THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Doctrex & the Gold-Necked White Bird"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
42 total reviews
Comment from Loren (7)
Your first 4-5 paragraphs shows a different writing style for you, but perfect for the fanciful world you've created for this occasion. The banter going on in the body of the text reminds me of Oscar Wilde's "The Importance of Being Ernest." *smile* Don't know if anyone else will see it, but I did. Finally, the story line remains solid and consistent. Loren
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
  |
Your first 4-5 paragraphs shows a different writing style for you, but perfect for the fanciful world you've created for this occasion. The banter going on in the body of the text reminds me of Oscar Wilde's "The Importance of Being Ernest." *smile* Don't know if anyone else will see it, but I did. Finally, the story line remains solid and consistent. Loren
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
-
I feel so much more redeemed, not just by your always generous words, but my chapter's comparison to Wilde, whose referenced play I haven't read. Thanks, friend Loren.
BTW, I am posting some important chapters from the end of Book II (first one last night) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, if you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them. I couldn't promote this first one very high, so you may have to go to my profile to get it. But, hey, it?s worth more than 2 cents.
-
BTW, I am posting four important chapters from the end of Book II (the SECOND one today) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, if you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them.
Comment from Sis Cat
Spiritual, metaphysical chapter reminded me of a haunting or a possession. It was surreal, magical realism in a fantasy setting . . . the garden, the bird, the voices, the sense of Doctrex having two minds. I am reminded of the scene in Lord of the Rings where Golum argues with himself in his reflection in a pond. This is mesmerizing writing. I enjoyed this chapter and looks for what is next. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
|
Spiritual, metaphysical chapter reminded me of a haunting or a possession. It was surreal, magical realism in a fantasy setting . . . the garden, the bird, the voices, the sense of Doctrex having two minds. I am reminded of the scene in Lord of the Rings where Golum argues with himself in his reflection in a pond. This is mesmerizing writing. I enjoyed this chapter and looks for what is next. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
-
So glad to have you reading this. I have about 5, maybe 6 chapters to go for the finale (I feel like I should be offering wine and cheese for the last chapter). BTW, I am posting some important chapters from the end of Book II (first one tonight) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, if you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them. I couldn't promote this first one very high, so you may have to go to my profile to get it.
-
BTW, I am posting four important chapters from the end of Book II (the SECOND one today) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, if you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
If I had any Six's left, this easily earned one, both for presentation in your incorporated font styles, and for content and story telling. It was quite interesting to read and your authors notes succinctly explained what I have missed prior to reading this chapter. I can offer no changes. Very well done.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
|
If I had any Six's left, this easily earned one, both for presentation in your incorporated font styles, and for content and story telling. It was quite interesting to read and your authors notes succinctly explained what I have missed prior to reading this chapter. I can offer no changes. Very well done.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
-
Thank you so very much, Mary! You have made my evening!
-
BTW, I am posting four important chapters from the end of Book II (the SECOND one today) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, if you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them.
Comment from robyn corum
wow. You always manage to do something to surprise me just when I think I have a handle on things. Evil man. This was a fascinating chapter. I enjoyed it and can't wait to see what happens because of it!
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
|
wow. You always manage to do something to surprise me just when I think I have a handle on things. Evil man. This was a fascinating chapter. I enjoyed it and can't wait to see what happens because of it!
Comment Written 02-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
-
Robin, You are always a blessing to me. I am posting some important chapters of the end of Book II (first one tonight) that might help you understand the ending of Book III
-
Thanks,Jay!
-
BTW, I am posting four important chapters from the end of Book II (the SECOND one today) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, if you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them.
-
I'll get an announcement, right? If so, then I'll be reading! *smile*
-
No announcement on your PM since it's less than 2 years old. Sorry. That's why I'm appearing so needy.
-
No, no. I WANT you to tell me. Thanks!
-
ummm, just did. LOL, so the first two have re-posted and the 3rd will be on Wednesday.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Jay,
I read through this chapter, it looks like there are some serious revelations coming about for Doctrex here... some I'm taking at face value because I wasn't with this when the Kabeezan army and Doctrex were meeting and together, or when the council of twelve happened, but from my impression, the way it is presented seems to make up a good reminder of relevant points acquired over many chapters, progression of time... something that becomes helpful with multiple books... to do it in such a way that doesn't stop the story, I think that is well done.
There were a few sentences I tripped over but the dialogue between Doctrex and the bird? seer? powers behind the curtain? was compelling and I noticed you kept some nice action beats to keep the reader in touch with what Doctrex is feeling along the way. Also like the details of scene, though sometimes they are interrupted with interrupts and it makes them choppy to untangle.
I really liked the who is the mask, who is real, and who is controlling whom aspect of the dialogue. Get's the head spinning and makes it hard to stay certain. Though, Doctrex should have asked for some help writing the rest of Glnot's Mojo tasks, ; ) I imagined him saying... uh, pretty bird, by the way, can you add a few words into my head so I can finish this writing chore... else for 8 hours, I'm just going to have Glnot touch his nose to each finger and toe, reciting the alphabet backwards. Done!
But I'm getting silly...
blossom, then to the next, until a confirmation of movement[,]? accompanied by a slight rustle[,]? startled me.
(not wrong as is, but I'm wondering if those commas are removed... Out popped the owner accompanied by her poodle. It's almost used as an and, but how much of an afterthought the sound is, depends on the comma. eh... add a comma squash a comma, add it back in tomorrow.)
There, in a tangle of stems and twigs beneath the blossoms closest to me[,] and almost camouflaged by those blossoms behind, a fluffy white bird with a gold-feathered throat[,] and eyes like glittering black coins[,] preened itself.
(Going to suggest deleting those three commas, though I don't know if I like that you told us it preened itself, and then afterwards, went into detailed steps of preening. -- how I thought of it in (exaggerated) comparison: Julie opened the car door. She reached out, grabbed the handle, lifted it, and pulled such that the door rotated in a clockwise manor. -- Not sure if you see what I mean. )
It dragged a white feather through its beak, never once taking its eyes off me, and let it fall back to its wing, sought out another and drew it through.
It didn't shy away under my gaze, but in fact hopped across the stem and onto another closer to me. All the time(while?) those black disks of its eyes held steady on mine.
(Paused on 'All the time' All the time in the world wouldn't save her. All the time I spent on my homework was a waste. Eh... don't know. All the time those black eyes held steady on mine, I wanted to run. All the time those girls drank Koolaid. All the while, those girls drank Koolaid. Not sure if you are seeing why I tripped on All the time) The whole time, all the while.?
"Hello," I said[,] and filled the awkward silence with the sandpapery sound of my palms rubbing together.
(might need a time buffer then here, and you could use before in the next sentence... I puzzled over it a while longer before turning to go back)
I puzzled over it a while longer and then turned to go back.
in a chant, more compelling of a[n] response: Doctrex ...?
(I think that 'an' should be 'a')
I cast my eyes over my left shoulder to the palace, angled them up toward the eaves and the sloping tiled roof.
(Paused here. I cast my eyes over and angled them up. >> I cast my eyes over my shoulder and angled them up. >> I cast my eyes over my shoulder to the palace and angled them up>> I cast my eyes over my shoulder and angled them up toward the roof. >> I cast my eyes over my shoulder to the palace and angled them up toward the eaves and roof. (I think you will be seeing by here, I'm thinking that this isn't a list of three, and you might need an and instead of the comma.)
wherever you choose. Defrocking the Emperor, while at the same time teaching the Almighty Master the joys of cooperation. He broke the last word down into its syllables, articulating them in a sing-song voice.
"Tell me," I started, then stopped. I took a deep breath and spoke through a smile I tried to keep the trembling out of: "Are you ... the seer?"
my shoulder."( )All right," I said, and with that my body took on a
(not important, but I noticed you might need the space)
For the love of Axtilla.
(I'm really enjoying the love aspect of this story, as it goes on, his and her belongingness together builds for me... from starting at that mid-point)
in my mind. "Doctrex was as much your puppet as my mask."
(super dialogue, flowed really nice, compelling and a I sense a lot of revelations, a lot of interesting back-rememberences)
I was drawn, not to the substance, but (to)? the sound of his
Above the hedge-top stubble, [and]? framed against the dirty, gray dusk I'd grown accustomed to in the Far Northern Province, was the white bird I'd seen earlier. (If you have this extra description as an interrupt... I suggest deleting the and. Example. Above the hedge and framed against dusk was the bird I'd seen. Above the hedge, framed against dusk, was the bird I'd seen. I'm not sure I like the was verb... floated? perched? stood? flew?)
It was the same bird, though larger and more magnificent than I remembered--with its opulent span of white wings, {and held between them as in cupped palms the downy, gold-necked body.}
(I read this sentence several times and had trouble sorting out what you were trying to describe. I get lost after 'as in'. Couldn't find the verb and link it to the noun.. lost. This sentence, strongly think it needs something here)
Majestically, the wings, carrying* the words "forever true," pumped up and down, as though driven by invisible pistons, and carried* them both away on pulsing cushions of air. (I read this sentence several times too. Paused on this sentence for a long while. Not sure how to fix it, I know what I think you are trying to say, but it is coming off clunky to me.)
I {was}(found myself?) staring down at the fingers of my hands,
(Not even a suggestion, just something I thought/ wondered as I read through this part, I found myself thinking the transition could use a little sense of was lost a moment and then found. Because a moment before, it's all about the wings in the sky and then staring down.)
two hedges[,] and frowned at the smudged gray skyline.
(Thinking you could delete that comma too. I peered and frowned.)
earlier, so I gave you another quarter hour."
(Nice way to clarify that Doctrex was sleeping if the reader was struggling with the transition from flapping bird to staring off.)
So, all in all, I only saw one sentence and a half that I felt needs some scrutiny, the rest is me poking at commas and what-not, babbling my thoughts 'cause I can't seem to help myself. This was a solid chapter, with the kind of complexities that get my brain piqued for contemplating, even if I can't put that completely into words. Enjoyed reading and am interested in if this dream was more for the reader, and for Doctrex ... if he will remember it or only subconsciously.
--Turtle.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
|
Hi Jay,
I read through this chapter, it looks like there are some serious revelations coming about for Doctrex here... some I'm taking at face value because I wasn't with this when the Kabeezan army and Doctrex were meeting and together, or when the council of twelve happened, but from my impression, the way it is presented seems to make up a good reminder of relevant points acquired over many chapters, progression of time... something that becomes helpful with multiple books... to do it in such a way that doesn't stop the story, I think that is well done.
There were a few sentences I tripped over but the dialogue between Doctrex and the bird? seer? powers behind the curtain? was compelling and I noticed you kept some nice action beats to keep the reader in touch with what Doctrex is feeling along the way. Also like the details of scene, though sometimes they are interrupted with interrupts and it makes them choppy to untangle.
I really liked the who is the mask, who is real, and who is controlling whom aspect of the dialogue. Get's the head spinning and makes it hard to stay certain. Though, Doctrex should have asked for some help writing the rest of Glnot's Mojo tasks, ; ) I imagined him saying... uh, pretty bird, by the way, can you add a few words into my head so I can finish this writing chore... else for 8 hours, I'm just going to have Glnot touch his nose to each finger and toe, reciting the alphabet backwards. Done!
But I'm getting silly...
blossom, then to the next, until a confirmation of movement[,]? accompanied by a slight rustle[,]? startled me.
(not wrong as is, but I'm wondering if those commas are removed... Out popped the owner accompanied by her poodle. It's almost used as an and, but how much of an afterthought the sound is, depends on the comma. eh... add a comma squash a comma, add it back in tomorrow.)
There, in a tangle of stems and twigs beneath the blossoms closest to me[,] and almost camouflaged by those blossoms behind, a fluffy white bird with a gold-feathered throat[,] and eyes like glittering black coins[,] preened itself.
(Going to suggest deleting those three commas, though I don't know if I like that you told us it preened itself, and then afterwards, went into detailed steps of preening. -- how I thought of it in (exaggerated) comparison: Julie opened the car door. She reached out, grabbed the handle, lifted it, and pulled such that the door rotated in a clockwise manor. -- Not sure if you see what I mean. )
It dragged a white feather through its beak, never once taking its eyes off me, and let it fall back to its wing, sought out another and drew it through.
It didn't shy away under my gaze, but in fact hopped across the stem and onto another closer to me. All the time(while?) those black disks of its eyes held steady on mine.
(Paused on 'All the time' All the time in the world wouldn't save her. All the time I spent on my homework was a waste. Eh... don't know. All the time those black eyes held steady on mine, I wanted to run. All the time those girls drank Koolaid. All the while, those girls drank Koolaid. Not sure if you are seeing why I tripped on All the time) The whole time, all the while.?
"Hello," I said[,] and filled the awkward silence with the sandpapery sound of my palms rubbing together.
(might need a time buffer then here, and you could use before in the next sentence... I puzzled over it a while longer before turning to go back)
I puzzled over it a while longer and then turned to go back.
in a chant, more compelling of a[n] response: Doctrex ...?
(I think that 'an' should be 'a')
I cast my eyes over my left shoulder to the palace, angled them up toward the eaves and the sloping tiled roof.
(Paused here. I cast my eyes over and angled them up. >> I cast my eyes over my shoulder and angled them up. >> I cast my eyes over my shoulder to the palace and angled them up>> I cast my eyes over my shoulder and angled them up toward the roof. >> I cast my eyes over my shoulder to the palace and angled them up toward the eaves and roof. (I think you will be seeing by here, I'm thinking that this isn't a list of three, and you might need an and instead of the comma.)
wherever you choose. Defrocking the Emperor, while at the same time teaching the Almighty Master the joys of cooperation. He broke the last word down into its syllables, articulating them in a sing-song voice.
"Tell me," I started, then stopped. I took a deep breath and spoke through a smile I tried to keep the trembling out of: "Are you ... the seer?"
my shoulder."( )All right," I said, and with that my body took on a
(not important, but I noticed you might need the space)
For the love of Axtilla.
(I'm really enjoying the love aspect of this story, as it goes on, his and her belongingness together builds for me... from starting at that mid-point)
in my mind. "Doctrex was as much your puppet as my mask."
(super dialogue, flowed really nice, compelling and a I sense a lot of revelations, a lot of interesting back-rememberences)
I was drawn, not to the substance, but (to)? the sound of his
Above the hedge-top stubble, [and]? framed against the dirty, gray dusk I'd grown accustomed to in the Far Northern Province, was the white bird I'd seen earlier. (If you have this extra description as an interrupt... I suggest deleting the and. Example. Above the hedge and framed against dusk was the bird I'd seen. Above the hedge, framed against dusk, was the bird I'd seen. I'm not sure I like the was verb... floated? perched? stood? flew?)
It was the same bird, though larger and more magnificent than I remembered--with its opulent span of white wings, {and held between them as in cupped palms the downy, gold-necked body.}
(I read this sentence several times and had trouble sorting out what you were trying to describe. I get lost after 'as in'. Couldn't find the verb and link it to the noun.. lost. This sentence, strongly think it needs something here)
Majestically, the wings, carrying* the words "forever true," pumped up and down, as though driven by invisible pistons, and carried* them both away on pulsing cushions of air. (I read this sentence several times too. Paused on this sentence for a long while. Not sure how to fix it, I know what I think you are trying to say, but it is coming off clunky to me.)
I {was}(found myself?) staring down at the fingers of my hands,
(Not even a suggestion, just something I thought/ wondered as I read through this part, I found myself thinking the transition could use a little sense of was lost a moment and then found. Because a moment before, it's all about the wings in the sky and then staring down.)
two hedges[,] and frowned at the smudged gray skyline.
(Thinking you could delete that comma too. I peered and frowned.)
earlier, so I gave you another quarter hour."
(Nice way to clarify that Doctrex was sleeping if the reader was struggling with the transition from flapping bird to staring off.)
So, all in all, I only saw one sentence and a half that I felt needs some scrutiny, the rest is me poking at commas and what-not, babbling my thoughts 'cause I can't seem to help myself. This was a solid chapter, with the kind of complexities that get my brain piqued for contemplating, even if I can't put that completely into words. Enjoyed reading and am interested in if this dream was more for the reader, and for Doctrex ... if he will remember it or only subconsciously.
--Turtle.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
-
Oh, Turtle ... I had more fun reading your meanderings between your suggestions than usual. All editing should be this enjoyable. When I got to the end of it (and it was long), I remembered thinking ohhhhh, it's over.
I believe I made every change you suggested. I, too, struggled with the description of the bird above the hedge. I'm not going to make any hurried changes there, but let it steep.
Again ... thank you for all your suggestions. I hope you have better luck this month with the reviewer award. You are so deserving. Good luck with it.
-
BTW, I am posting some important chapters from the end of Book II (first one last night) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, since you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them. I couldn't promote this first one very high, so you may have to go to my profile to get it. I don't expect your usual thorough review, just to read to get you up to speed for the finale. And then, only if you have time and want to.
Comment from fafa
The adventures have the virtue of catchingthe reader, of leaving with desire of morequantity, your story or chapter has gooddialogues and an adventurous profile ofgood, congratulations, big greeting
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
|
The adventures have the virtue of catchingthe reader, of leaving with desire of morequantity, your story or chapter has gooddialogues and an adventurous profile ofgood, congratulations, big greeting
Comment Written 02-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
-
Why thank you, Fafa. Appreciate your kind remarks and rating.
Comment from Nika2016
Very interesting story and the first chapter that I have read. Including character descriptions helps the reader with the plot. It strangely reminds me of the tales of Carlos Castaneda
with talking birds who carry wisdom and pose riddles. This one is a winner!
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
|
Very interesting story and the first chapter that I have read. Including character descriptions helps the reader with the plot. It strangely reminds me of the tales of Carlos Castaneda
with talking birds who carry wisdom and pose riddles. This one is a winner!
Comment Written 02-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
-
Many thanks, Nika. Glad you enjoyed this. Hope you come back for more.
-
Sell it in Amazon so we can buy it? You get 80% and they promote..all formats
-
BTW, I am posting four important chapters from the end of Book II (the SECOND one today) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, if you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them.
Comment from boxergirl
Hi Jay,
Another great job with the continuation of your story line. Full of strong imagery from your descriptive details, loved the bird scene.
I liked the use of the dialogue of flashback details. Seems to add to the mysterious tone of the scene. Good stuff as always.
Karen :-)
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
 |
Hi Jay,
Another great job with the continuation of your story line. Full of strong imagery from your descriptive details, loved the bird scene.
I liked the use of the dialogue of flashback details. Seems to add to the mysterious tone of the scene. Good stuff as always.
Karen :-)
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
-
Bless you, Karen, and thanks so much for the kind words and the 6 stars.
-
BTW, I am posting some important chapters from the end of Book II (first one last night) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, if you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them. I couldn't promote this first one very high (in the nineties), so you may have to go to my profile to get it.
-
BTW, I am posting four important chapters from the end of Book II (the SECOND one today) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, if you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them.
-
Thanks!
-
sorry if it sounds like I'm needy, but my re-posts, being less than 2 years old, will not alert my fans on their PM screen.
Comment from write hand blue
Hi Jay. I've just read another of your epic chapters and I think it may be one of your best. This is not easy to decide because they are all brilliant.
Your descriptions of the bird, shows that like all good writers you observe. I kept and was involved with birds for years. All your descriptions and actions are accurate and razor sharp in the descriptive sense.
I cannot find any fault in this compelling read... ~Mel~
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
|
Hi Jay. I've just read another of your epic chapters and I think it may be one of your best. This is not easy to decide because they are all brilliant.
Your descriptions of the bird, shows that like all good writers you observe. I kept and was involved with birds for years. All your descriptions and actions are accurate and razor sharp in the descriptive sense.
I cannot find any fault in this compelling read... ~Mel~
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
-
Mel, you're welcome to read my stuff any time! Thank you my friend. There was no brilliance when I wrote it. It was fitting one word with the next and feeling like a grammer-schooler.
-
BTW, I am posting some important chapters from the end of Book II (first one last night) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, if you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them. I couldn't promote this first one very high, so you may have to go to my profile to get it.
-
BTW, I am posting four important chapters from the end of Book II (the SECOND one today) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, if you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them.
Comment from camaria
First chapter I've read, but this tale seems to have some solid backstory and some nice, fleshed-out characters. Dialogue is awesome, very natural. Just some things that caught my eye. Most of them personal opinion:
an alien chill leached to my body
Perhaps 'leached into' would read better?
blossoms(,) the size of my head,
comma not needed
throat(,) and eyes like glittering black coins
Again, I believe, comma not needed.
It drew up one hinged leg from the limb
I think you can take out 'from the limb' here. Reads fine without it.
I puzzled over it a while longer and then turned to go back.
'longer, and then turned' Add a comma.
whispered as clearly as if the whisperer stood beside me
The repetition of whisper is jarring, maybe use 'speaker' instead of whisperer?
palpably I stopped
Add comma after palpably
I took a deep breath and spoke through a smile I tried to keep the trembling out of:
This read awkwardly. Perhaps just 'spoke through a trembling smile'?
Yes I waited
No punctuation after 'Yes'. Think you need to add a period here.
"All right," I said,
'Alright.'
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
|
First chapter I've read, but this tale seems to have some solid backstory and some nice, fleshed-out characters. Dialogue is awesome, very natural. Just some things that caught my eye. Most of them personal opinion:
an alien chill leached to my body
Perhaps 'leached into' would read better?
blossoms(,) the size of my head,
comma not needed
throat(,) and eyes like glittering black coins
Again, I believe, comma not needed.
It drew up one hinged leg from the limb
I think you can take out 'from the limb' here. Reads fine without it.
I puzzled over it a while longer and then turned to go back.
'longer, and then turned' Add a comma.
whispered as clearly as if the whisperer stood beside me
The repetition of whisper is jarring, maybe use 'speaker' instead of whisperer?
palpably I stopped
Add comma after palpably
I took a deep breath and spoke through a smile I tried to keep the trembling out of:
This read awkwardly. Perhaps just 'spoke through a trembling smile'?
Yes I waited
No punctuation after 'Yes'. Think you need to add a period here.
"All right," I said,
'Alright.'
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
-
You've given me some things to look very closely at, particularly the "from the limb" line. I agree with you and you are the second person to point it out. I'll check out the comma questions as well. Thanks so much for taking your valuable time scouring this.
-
BTW, I am posting some important chapters from the end of Book II (first one last night) that might help you understand the ending of Book III, if you weren't a reader from the beginning. You might want to take a look at them. I couldn't promote this first one very high, so you may have to go to my profile to get it.
