THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Cleaning Lady's Mighty Siege"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
44 total reviews
Comment from Sis Cat
What, Doctrex is capable of magic and is influencing Rhuether's mind? This realization about myself would wig me out, too. I had to focus, really focus to read and review this. My recent readings of David McCullough's "1776" and "John Adams" and how he got inside of the mind of conflicted characters made me appreciate this chapter more and it colored my perspective. Similarly, you feature characters facing huge challenges, wars, infighting, and rebellion,
This is also a chapter about writer's block and inspiration. The palace garden scene struck home with me.
I am relieved that I have completed my performances this month and now have some time to review and write before my performances resume next month.
Jay, I enjoy your imaginative storytelling style. It provides me with a respite and inspiration. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2016
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What, Doctrex is capable of magic and is influencing Rhuether's mind? This realization about myself would wig me out, too. I had to focus, really focus to read and review this. My recent readings of David McCullough's "1776" and "John Adams" and how he got inside of the mind of conflicted characters made me appreciate this chapter more and it colored my perspective. Similarly, you feature characters facing huge challenges, wars, infighting, and rebellion,
This is also a chapter about writer's block and inspiration. The palace garden scene struck home with me.
I am relieved that I have completed my performances this month and now have some time to review and write before my performances resume next month.
Jay, I enjoy your imaginative storytelling style. It provides me with a respite and inspiration. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2016
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Thank you, my friend. Your comments overwhelm me. Thank you for the six stars.
Comment from Curly Girly
Hi, Jay. This is another well-written chapter. There's much mental chaos going on and it all feels like a mind game. We'll have to wait and see what unfolds.
One typo:
his signature as unique and virtually unforgeable. / unforgeTable
Nicole
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Hi, Jay. This is another well-written chapter. There's much mental chaos going on and it all feels like a mind game. We'll have to wait and see what unfolds.
One typo:
his signature as unique and virtually unforgeable. / unforgeTable
Nicole
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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THank you so much, Nicole. Appreciate you're reading this for 2 cents. Sorry you couldn't get there sooner. "Unforgeable" is right, though I can see where you were going with it. I was trying for "unable to forge" and while spellcheck won't accept it, I find the spelling's acceptable on any number of dictionaries on line.
How're things going with you. Any closer to publication, or I should say submission? Let me know.
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Not yet, Jay. I'm getting there, though. Nicole
Comment from Spitfire
Skillful ability at building up suspense and adding obstacles to the narrator's attempts to write. ( Great description of the cleaning ladies and interaction with the hero). What keeps the reader on edge is Pondria's unease about what he's doing. Guilt seems to be settling in.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Skillful ability at building up suspense and adding obstacles to the narrator's attempts to write. ( Great description of the cleaning ladies and interaction with the hero). What keeps the reader on edge is Pondria's unease about what he's doing. Guilt seems to be settling in.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Interesting you should call him Pondria, instead of Doctrex. Hmmmmm, hold onto that thought for next chapter.
Comment from busses
This is a great read and a great write! unfortunately I can't comment on the storyline as I haven't read the previous chapters. I do however like what I read and have grabbed it jist for the most part. I will have to go back and read up
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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This is a great read and a great write! unfortunately I can't comment on the storyline as I haven't read the previous chapters. I do however like what I read and have grabbed it jist for the most part. I will have to go back and read up
Comment Written 24-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Don't worry about reading up on the past chapters. Just too many of them, not paying any money. The next two chapters tie in nicely with this one.
Comment from Dawn Munro
"pre-creation darkness"
"blossoms' spicy extravagance"
"a state of near trembling"
"web of entrapment"
"What was this edifice I created but a chimera?"
I offer these few up as examples of how you manage to make this story come alive for the reader. As I've told you, it's not my preferred genre, but the writing is brilliant, and it's easy to become involved in the plot because of it.
Once again I am going to cheat you, however - I am late reviewing and a six will do nothing for you, but of course it is outstanding - none better, IMHO.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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"pre-creation darkness"
"blossoms' spicy extravagance"
"a state of near trembling"
"web of entrapment"
"What was this edifice I created but a chimera?"
I offer these few up as examples of how you manage to make this story come alive for the reader. As I've told you, it's not my preferred genre, but the writing is brilliant, and it's easy to become involved in the plot because of it.
Once again I am going to cheat you, however - I am late reviewing and a six will do nothing for you, but of course it is outstanding - none better, IMHO.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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Bless you, Dawn. I admire your writing so much. Coming from you, a five is a seven any day!
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Wow - you just made my day - no, my year! You're most welcome.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Jay,
I read through this chapter, things I really liked, the use of the end retrospect to really reiterate/ suspend disbelief as to why Glnot fell for the Mojo deal, hook-line-and ... It opens up an interesting complication. I wondered if Doctrex was inadvertently using Glnot's magic... and now, is that inability to create the eight pages of activity some sort of backwards punishment from the seer... or is it Glnot seeping back. I know enough that there is a complication afoot, but exactly what I am curious to see.
There are some spots I paused on because the phrasings or descriptions felt clunky to me, like there might be opportunity to smooth out a description, but not in such a way where I could say that there is really anything wrong. It was harder to put my finger on.
I thought about how you utilize scene details, there are times when I really try to pay attention, because I have to work on looking at what's outside/ around my characters, and you have a good scene grounding.
The beginning transition paragraph, is there a way to have Doctrex perhaps staring at a piece of paper, or have him in the 'current activity' (not just the physical touching his neck wondering about time looking back, but what is he doing, now is he outside? I was looking to have a little more securing to the 'now' moment, Before he transitions to catching up the reader up on what we missed when the chapter transitioned. Which I do like, I like that we fast-forwarded through those details in retrospect, as you build up to a new conflict complications of why is Doctrex too distracted to complete this simple task.
I massaged the back of my neck. Where had the time gone? Rhuether had returned two days earlier with the letter signed by
wedding ceremony (IN how many days? in two days?). During his rounds, Bips
distance of my room. {They needed to get to Chiel within minutes so his courier would be on the back of his crossan, the attack letter in-pouch, racing to the Plain of Dzur.} Paused here on time sense of they needed... Once the order was received, they would need to alert Chiel within minutes.... (Not sure, but I'm pulling forward that the They needed paused me.)
His needed the ring of authority and authenticity [{running through it}](is this needed?) from the opening message to the affirmation at the end.
Axtilla's and mine could be blank assignments, with just (an)? identifying cover to make them appear complete.
cheese and fruit for breakfast and lunch(,) and a small dinner I could eat while I worked. Problem solved.
Rhuether had chosen {this time} to have the barber perform his grooming sessions on me daily, in preparation for the wedding.
(this time? as in dinner time, last time mentioned above? I wasn't sure when 'this time' was referring to.)
(The)? Bringing in and removing (of)? [the] bathwater had been scheduled for daily. I opted for every other day and then later in the evening so I could use bathing as a reward for my daily writing. I needed that incentive. I was already beginning to worry.(No time sense of when the was already beginning to worry)
Yesterday, with three days left, I encountered the first unexpected distraction. All the torches in the room needed replacing.
The entire process, from the removal of the first torch to the placement of the last one(,) took better than two hours.
(suggesting the comma after one... as the other half of the interrupt comma)
my finger on it--I had so much trouble with it.
(I was very aware of the way that this section simutaneously fastforwarded, but also slowed down the six days. As a reader, my first read through, my thoughts were: It is clear that Doctrex's inability to finish the assignment might not be normal... or at least, it is banging the drum of significant. Some of the time phrasings, I paused on if they can be smoothed out, but the little details do fill the spaces back up.
When did we catch up to current Doctrex? Was it when the woman were in the room, or was it after that. I wasn't sure)
The spokeswoman--I had been right about her--stopped in front of my table(.) "Sir," she said, "we are here to clean your room. We clean
(missing period)
Something in her voice told me she {wasn't prepared to}(wouldn't)? be reasoned with, but I figured I'd try. "I'm very busy. Suppose I
I gathered [all the paper, from the table and from under the bed, took the ink bottle and quill,](my supplies)? and [I] left the room.
(I thought this, but I think it was only because there's a few mismatches in the listing... I gathered... took ... and I left. Maybe just delete that last I there? recheck this sentence)
For the next two hours I sat at the small round table in the garden. The table's surface was merely decorative, with large, irregularly-shaped metal netting criss-crossing the surface. (I think the first and second sentence's information might be able to be merged... for some flow)
I discovered a larger stone which I brushed off and placed on top of the sheaf of papers.
(paperweight!)
the self-destructive power of Pondria's Magic, which (had)? almost destroyed him when he chose to misuse it, he now readily bowed in
unrecognized, craving for self-immolation.
(Interesting, it's as if Glnot wants to be in control of destroying himself. This reflection was helpful in suspending disbelief in all of Doctrex's plans and securing why they make sense as working.)
I had taken him[,] from victor to the defeated.
(suggest deleting this comma, or at least I'm challenging that the pause seperates the continuous thought and might not be needed)
The end part of this was very strong, the beginning ... I still think that it might help to secure the 'now' moment so the reader knows when past reflection catches up to Doctrex current activity.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Hi, Jay,
I read through this chapter, things I really liked, the use of the end retrospect to really reiterate/ suspend disbelief as to why Glnot fell for the Mojo deal, hook-line-and ... It opens up an interesting complication. I wondered if Doctrex was inadvertently using Glnot's magic... and now, is that inability to create the eight pages of activity some sort of backwards punishment from the seer... or is it Glnot seeping back. I know enough that there is a complication afoot, but exactly what I am curious to see.
There are some spots I paused on because the phrasings or descriptions felt clunky to me, like there might be opportunity to smooth out a description, but not in such a way where I could say that there is really anything wrong. It was harder to put my finger on.
I thought about how you utilize scene details, there are times when I really try to pay attention, because I have to work on looking at what's outside/ around my characters, and you have a good scene grounding.
The beginning transition paragraph, is there a way to have Doctrex perhaps staring at a piece of paper, or have him in the 'current activity' (not just the physical touching his neck wondering about time looking back, but what is he doing, now is he outside? I was looking to have a little more securing to the 'now' moment, Before he transitions to catching up the reader up on what we missed when the chapter transitioned. Which I do like, I like that we fast-forwarded through those details in retrospect, as you build up to a new conflict complications of why is Doctrex too distracted to complete this simple task.
I massaged the back of my neck. Where had the time gone? Rhuether had returned two days earlier with the letter signed by
wedding ceremony (IN how many days? in two days?). During his rounds, Bips
distance of my room. {They needed to get to Chiel within minutes so his courier would be on the back of his crossan, the attack letter in-pouch, racing to the Plain of Dzur.} Paused here on time sense of they needed... Once the order was received, they would need to alert Chiel within minutes.... (Not sure, but I'm pulling forward that the They needed paused me.)
His needed the ring of authority and authenticity [{running through it}](is this needed?) from the opening message to the affirmation at the end.
Axtilla's and mine could be blank assignments, with just (an)? identifying cover to make them appear complete.
cheese and fruit for breakfast and lunch(,) and a small dinner I could eat while I worked. Problem solved.
Rhuether had chosen {this time} to have the barber perform his grooming sessions on me daily, in preparation for the wedding.
(this time? as in dinner time, last time mentioned above? I wasn't sure when 'this time' was referring to.)
(The)? Bringing in and removing (of)? [the] bathwater had been scheduled for daily. I opted for every other day and then later in the evening so I could use bathing as a reward for my daily writing. I needed that incentive. I was already beginning to worry.(No time sense of when the was already beginning to worry)
Yesterday, with three days left, I encountered the first unexpected distraction. All the torches in the room needed replacing.
The entire process, from the removal of the first torch to the placement of the last one(,) took better than two hours.
(suggesting the comma after one... as the other half of the interrupt comma)
my finger on it--I had so much trouble with it.
(I was very aware of the way that this section simutaneously fastforwarded, but also slowed down the six days. As a reader, my first read through, my thoughts were: It is clear that Doctrex's inability to finish the assignment might not be normal... or at least, it is banging the drum of significant. Some of the time phrasings, I paused on if they can be smoothed out, but the little details do fill the spaces back up.
When did we catch up to current Doctrex? Was it when the woman were in the room, or was it after that. I wasn't sure)
The spokeswoman--I had been right about her--stopped in front of my table(.) "Sir," she said, "we are here to clean your room. We clean
(missing period)
Something in her voice told me she {wasn't prepared to}(wouldn't)? be reasoned with, but I figured I'd try. "I'm very busy. Suppose I
I gathered [all the paper, from the table and from under the bed, took the ink bottle and quill,](my supplies)? and [I] left the room.
(I thought this, but I think it was only because there's a few mismatches in the listing... I gathered... took ... and I left. Maybe just delete that last I there? recheck this sentence)
For the next two hours I sat at the small round table in the garden. The table's surface was merely decorative, with large, irregularly-shaped metal netting criss-crossing the surface. (I think the first and second sentence's information might be able to be merged... for some flow)
I discovered a larger stone which I brushed off and placed on top of the sheaf of papers.
(paperweight!)
the self-destructive power of Pondria's Magic, which (had)? almost destroyed him when he chose to misuse it, he now readily bowed in
unrecognized, craving for self-immolation.
(Interesting, it's as if Glnot wants to be in control of destroying himself. This reflection was helpful in suspending disbelief in all of Doctrex's plans and securing why they make sense as working.)
I had taken him[,] from victor to the defeated.
(suggest deleting this comma, or at least I'm challenging that the pause seperates the continuous thought and might not be needed)
The end part of this was very strong, the beginning ... I still think that it might help to secure the 'now' moment so the reader knows when past reflection catches up to Doctrex current activity.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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I thoroughly agree with your assessment of the beginning. While it still doesn't feel quite right, here is the revised first paragraph: "A blank sheet of paper lay on the table, the upper left-hand corner of whose whiteness my quill-tip marred with black dots of irresolution. With the fingers of my other hand, I massaged the back of my neck." Too Henry James-ish?
I went through the rest, adopting most of your suggestions (almost all that had to do with commas).
I feel so blessed having you here for my back, Turtle.
Comment from Neonewman
I thoroughly enjoyed the smooth as silk style you have added to the back story Jay. I have learned a great deal from reading your work that has aided in my own crafts advancement. I wouldn't change a thing with this chapter. I also enjoyed the chaos of what I would call "A.D.D." As I suffer from this daily. Too many wonderful distractions in life.
"Rhuether began as my captor, and with a few words he became the prisoner in his own palace." Brilliant!
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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I thoroughly enjoyed the smooth as silk style you have added to the back story Jay. I have learned a great deal from reading your work that has aided in my own crafts advancement. I wouldn't change a thing with this chapter. I also enjoyed the chaos of what I would call "A.D.D." As I suffer from this daily. Too many wonderful distractions in life.
"Rhuether began as my captor, and with a few words he became the prisoner in his own palace." Brilliant!
Comment Written 23-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much, Steve. I'm always humbled when someone tells me they improve their writing by reading mine. That is such an AWESOME compliment.
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My pleasure Jay. The reviews you give are also quite inspiring, we must not forget those. You certainly take the time and care to help others my friend.
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My pleasure Jay. The reviews you give are also quite inspiring, we must not forget those. You certainly take the time and care to help others my friend.
Comment from Loren (7)
Not sure if this was your intention, but it looks to me as if Doctrex suffers from ADD. But then, don't we all---at certain, uncertain times in our lives. This is what I especially enjoyed about this chapter. The complexity of thought, the distractions we focus on that would otherwise be so mundane. Only because we are looking for that answer hidden so deep inside - maybe answers we're yet able to accept much less verbalize. have no idea if this makes sense or it wasa the intention of this chapter, but that's what I gleaned form it. Loren
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2016
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Not sure if this was your intention, but it looks to me as if Doctrex suffers from ADD. But then, don't we all---at certain, uncertain times in our lives. This is what I especially enjoyed about this chapter. The complexity of thought, the distractions we focus on that would otherwise be so mundane. Only because we are looking for that answer hidden so deep inside - maybe answers we're yet able to accept much less verbalize. have no idea if this makes sense or it wasa the intention of this chapter, but that's what I gleaned form it. Loren
Comment Written 23-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2016
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THANks for the sixer, Loren. If it's brilliant, yeah, that was what I intended. If you keep in mind your psychological assessment, you'll connect better with the next chapter.
Comment from William Ross
very good, I've read a couple of chapters on this i find it written extremely well. easy to read easy to follow a good story line and a wonderful read. Not sure as would change a thing on this. great job. no i'm sorry thought it was on the 5
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2016
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very good, I've read a couple of chapters on this i find it written extremely well. easy to read easy to follow a good story line and a wonderful read. Not sure as would change a thing on this. great job. no i'm sorry thought it was on the 5
Comment Written 23-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2016
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Thanks, William. I'm just curious. Did you hit the right "star" rating? If you did, cool! It's just that you didn't say one thing negative about it, yet gave it four stars. If you intended 4 stars, just ignore my confusion.
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No sorry my fault thought i was on 5 stars i fixed it sorry
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I thought that was the case. I hesitated, not wanting to sound like a whiner, but it just didn't make sense. Thanks for responding ... and changing.
Comment from F. Wehr3
I am wondering if Ruether has anything to do with Pondria's difficultly concentrating. They are cut from the same cloth, so both would be clever. I am enjoying your series and anxious to see what happens next.
'Yet if I were totally honest with myself there was a period of time in the midst of those two hours I could have worked on Rhuether's assignment.' If introduces a conditional clause in this sentence. Use comma after myself.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2016
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I am wondering if Ruether has anything to do with Pondria's difficultly concentrating. They are cut from the same cloth, so both would be clever. I am enjoying your series and anxious to see what happens next.
'Yet if I were totally honest with myself there was a period of time in the midst of those two hours I could have worked on Rhuether's assignment.' If introduces a conditional clause in this sentence. Use comma after myself.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 23-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2016
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Thank you, Russell. I will take care of that comma. Glad you're enjoying it.
