THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 " Is the Alliance With Chiel Wise?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
45 total reviews
Comment from Liberty Justice
Hi just gave you thumbs uo for your book of the month. Ver y exciting story like a real life
movie. Seems Chiefs Men not happy with his decisions. Various plots and events occurred making this chapter provoking and Suspenceful. liberty justice
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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Hi just gave you thumbs uo for your book of the month. Ver y exciting story like a real life
movie. Seems Chiefs Men not happy with his decisions. Various plots and events occurred making this chapter provoking and Suspenceful. liberty justice
Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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Well, thank you for your vote of confidence, Liberty Justice For All ... you did. Just playing around, but I'm not making light of my appreciation for your kind words and rating.
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Jay: I know a lot of people follow your stories. I just fly in and out - busy Mom. I like the details that you used showing Corl, a gifted artist bent over in pain. Then, the general has water drawn and boiled for his bath, swashing. We can watch through your eyes. Your army are everyday guys, not soldiers. You have a plan of words and a timing. I'll be back, Jay. Congrats on your awards and stories. When does this story take place or in imagination?
flylikeaneagle
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
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Jay: I know a lot of people follow your stories. I just fly in and out - busy Mom. I like the details that you used showing Corl, a gifted artist bent over in pain. Then, the general has water drawn and boiled for his bath, swashing. We can watch through your eyes. Your army are everyday guys, not soldiers. You have a plan of words and a timing. I'll be back, Jay. Congrats on your awards and stories. When does this story take place or in imagination?
flylikeaneagle
Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
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You may fly in and perch on my story any day, Nancy. I appreciate your busyness. Thanks for going back into the archives for this one.
Comment from Writerbythesea
Jay,
How thrilling to read a segment of a work in progress. Your creativity, clarity of thought, use of realistic dialogue, defined character development, imaginative structuring of plot content, and overall skillfull writing are highly commended. I am fascinated by the struggle and plotting among the characters met, to date. My interest is piqued in wanting to read more, to explore further the landscape you have created, and conflicts to be resolved. Are you planning a glossary to accompany the piece? Will the overview of character descriptions be part of a preface? Those are a couple of suggestions. Finally, I commend your diction and word choices, stylistic elements, and your well punctuated prose! Thank you for the opportunity to read you work.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2016
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Jay,
How thrilling to read a segment of a work in progress. Your creativity, clarity of thought, use of realistic dialogue, defined character development, imaginative structuring of plot content, and overall skillfull writing are highly commended. I am fascinated by the struggle and plotting among the characters met, to date. My interest is piqued in wanting to read more, to explore further the landscape you have created, and conflicts to be resolved. Are you planning a glossary to accompany the piece? Will the overview of character descriptions be part of a preface? Those are a couple of suggestions. Finally, I commend your diction and word choices, stylistic elements, and your well punctuated prose! Thank you for the opportunity to read you work.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2016
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WElcome to FanStory, my friend and thank you for the sterling review and gracious rating. This is the third book in the Trilogy which, combined, is over a thousand pages. Thanks for reading this chapter.
Comment from Curly Girly
Corl has been beaten up. For one moment I was wondering if the jacket was a trap of some sort. Corl's behaviour seemed odd.
Well, let's hope so because nobody knows anything with much certainty:
I hoped my alliance was a wise one.
Another well-written chapter, Jay.
Nicole
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2016
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Corl has been beaten up. For one moment I was wondering if the jacket was a trap of some sort. Corl's behaviour seemed odd.
Well, let's hope so because nobody knows anything with much certainty:
I hoped my alliance was a wise one.
Another well-written chapter, Jay.
Nicole
Comment Written 10-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2016
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Many thanks, Nicole. One person thought the jacket was poisoned. Thanks for your continued support.
Comment from Sis Cat
Fantastic imagination on display in this epic fantasy. Story feels large, sweeping with an engaging cast off characters that are vivid and moving. I enjoy melting myself into the story and running with it. You created a world I believe in. Top notch writing also propel your story forward.
I like watching this struggle between good and evil. The themes of resistance, oppression, alliances, and rebellions are familiar but you handled them in a fresh way. I am kept guessing about which side will win.
I felt apprehensive when Doctrex put on the clothes tailored by Corl because I feared the clothing was poisoned in an attempt to assassinate the General. I let out a sigh of relief when Doctrex survived putting on the garment.
No spags this time.
You end the chapter with a chapter which kept me wanting more.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Fantastic imagination on display in this epic fantasy. Story feels large, sweeping with an engaging cast off characters that are vivid and moving. I enjoy melting myself into the story and running with it. You created a world I believe in. Top notch writing also propel your story forward.
I like watching this struggle between good and evil. The themes of resistance, oppression, alliances, and rebellions are familiar but you handled them in a fresh way. I am kept guessing about which side will win.
I felt apprehensive when Doctrex put on the clothes tailored by Corl because I feared the clothing was poisoned in an attempt to assassinate the General. I let out a sigh of relief when Doctrex survived putting on the garment.
No spags this time.
You end the chapter with a chapter which kept me wanting more.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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I always feel blessed when I get a review from you, Andre. Please don't feel you need to reward me with a six, though. I know where your mind and heart are, and your verbal kindness is payment enough. I do thank you for this one, however, so don't be contacting Tom for a way to retract it. I'll clutch that chartreuse cross 'till my fingers are bloody!
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Jay.
I like the continuation ... laying the groundwork of Doctrex's plans, piece by piece,... and even while laying the plans... casting doubt on future success by considering the weaknesses of each laid plan. Chiel is consistent, to me... there is a hint of question of where his chips might fall, which adds some suspense to how/if things will succeed.
I remember Corl. I wondered through this if Corl was beaten because he wasn't working fast enough... or if he was beaten because Doctrex had hinted a fondness of him. or mentioned him in a favorable way. Diabolical if that is the case. Not sure how to interpret it if it's just a matter of him being slow. If that's the case, I figure it as a good way to show how Glnot gives the flavor of "Beatings will continue until morale improves..."
The writing is solid, easy to read, engaging. Details and dialogue continue along with introspection and plot progression.
Chiel's white-knuckled fists jabbed(bounced?) repeatedly against
(jabs happen with the front of the fist, I thought... here, that would bend a standing man's wrists into a wierd angle? )
frequency that, if they [were](had been made of)? glass, they'd
(recheck this)
I stared at him and slowly shook my head.
I felt his love and pain so acutely, tears sprang to my eyes.
(his love and pain brought tears to my eyes?) I paused here to consider the three I... I... I's in a row... and I wondered if you could switch up the filter word 'felt' for a stronger verb? ... along the lines of: His love and pain 'verbed' me so acutely, tears sprang to my eyes. Not a big deal though, as the pattern is only an illusion.)
(Also thought here, Nice way here to remind of Glnot's awfulness in the close proximity of seeing him as a real person too.)
Bips stepped over[,] and, though six inches shorter, reached up and
(strongly suggesting removing that comma.)
"First of all, Chiel, our timetable is almost the same as yours," I restrain himself to keep from dancing.
Medic's vest with the 'M' on it?"
(this plan is looking a little familiar... so Doctrex will have a couple letters going out it seems)
A little over an hour{, Doctrex}."
(wondered if this 'doctrex' was needed.)
the rich soil of compassion was the root-bed of power(hunger?)
He hoisted the tray up onto his [right](is this detail necessary?) shoulder and turned to leave.
#
four men came with the bathwater. They struggled with a huge metal cauldron with two thick rings on either side through which they'd threaded long poles, and each one manned an end.
(paused here... there is a flow hiccup... and the sentence tumbles out of control. I get derailed at around the second 'with' ... I'm going to suggest restructuring into a couple sentences maybe? Not sure how.)
but not quite, sloshing its *scalding* pov? water out of the
(how does he know it's scalding?)
stand straighter. "Please, sir(Sir) ... try it on. It must fit--fit
(consistency?)
I wanted to laugh at this(the) gaudy, gold jacket(thing) with the
(this doesn't need to be modified, I don't think, ... this is only the thought that passed my mind at the instant I read it... and I shared that thought, nothing more. Probably because of the use of jacket in the sentence before. I don't know why I didn't delete this thought.)
was obvious he'd been {soundly} beaten.
(the soundly might weaken the beaten...)
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Hi, Jay.
I like the continuation ... laying the groundwork of Doctrex's plans, piece by piece,... and even while laying the plans... casting doubt on future success by considering the weaknesses of each laid plan. Chiel is consistent, to me... there is a hint of question of where his chips might fall, which adds some suspense to how/if things will succeed.
I remember Corl. I wondered through this if Corl was beaten because he wasn't working fast enough... or if he was beaten because Doctrex had hinted a fondness of him. or mentioned him in a favorable way. Diabolical if that is the case. Not sure how to interpret it if it's just a matter of him being slow. If that's the case, I figure it as a good way to show how Glnot gives the flavor of "Beatings will continue until morale improves..."
The writing is solid, easy to read, engaging. Details and dialogue continue along with introspection and plot progression.
Chiel's white-knuckled fists jabbed(bounced?) repeatedly against
(jabs happen with the front of the fist, I thought... here, that would bend a standing man's wrists into a wierd angle? )
frequency that, if they [were](had been made of)? glass, they'd
(recheck this)
I stared at him and slowly shook my head.
I felt his love and pain so acutely, tears sprang to my eyes.
(his love and pain brought tears to my eyes?) I paused here to consider the three I... I... I's in a row... and I wondered if you could switch up the filter word 'felt' for a stronger verb? ... along the lines of: His love and pain 'verbed' me so acutely, tears sprang to my eyes. Not a big deal though, as the pattern is only an illusion.)
(Also thought here, Nice way here to remind of Glnot's awfulness in the close proximity of seeing him as a real person too.)
Bips stepped over[,] and, though six inches shorter, reached up and
(strongly suggesting removing that comma.)
"First of all, Chiel, our timetable is almost the same as yours," I restrain himself to keep from dancing.
Medic's vest with the 'M' on it?"
(this plan is looking a little familiar... so Doctrex will have a couple letters going out it seems)
A little over an hour{, Doctrex}."
(wondered if this 'doctrex' was needed.)
the rich soil of compassion was the root-bed of power(hunger?)
He hoisted the tray up onto his [right](is this detail necessary?) shoulder and turned to leave.
#
four men came with the bathwater. They struggled with a huge metal cauldron with two thick rings on either side through which they'd threaded long poles, and each one manned an end.
(paused here... there is a flow hiccup... and the sentence tumbles out of control. I get derailed at around the second 'with' ... I'm going to suggest restructuring into a couple sentences maybe? Not sure how.)
but not quite, sloshing its *scalding* pov? water out of the
(how does he know it's scalding?)
stand straighter. "Please, sir(Sir) ... try it on. It must fit--fit
(consistency?)
I wanted to laugh at this(the) gaudy, gold jacket(thing) with the
(this doesn't need to be modified, I don't think, ... this is only the thought that passed my mind at the instant I read it... and I shared that thought, nothing more. Probably because of the use of jacket in the sentence before. I don't know why I didn't delete this thought.)
was obvious he'd been {soundly} beaten.
(the soundly might weaken the beaten...)
Comment Written 09-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Thanks again, Turtle. I made all but a few of the suggested change. I didn't feel there was a POV problem with the "scalding water" since I had mentioned just before that the "steaming cauldron."
{I felt his love and pain so acutely, tears sprang to my eyes.} I'll look this over later. I did realize "felt" was a filter word, and I do put a search on for the most used filter words. That one I left, though, because it just *felt* right.
I think I acted on the rest of your suggestions. Oh, I'm holding off a while on the "soundly beaten".
Thank you again, Turtle, for your always useful advice.
Comment from Robert Louis Fox
This episode starts strong. We are in the action right away. The protagonist is challenged with a danger (starving people). The suspense increases as complications leave the protagonist difficult choices. The dialog and descriptions of mannerisms is very clear.
Consider merging the following two paragraphs: [Chiel's head slumped to his chest. He shut his eyes so tightly tears squeezed through his lashes, and his chin trembled. Bips stepped over, and being about six inches shorter, could do little more than reach up and cup his palm on his leader's shoulder.
"Listen to Doctrex, Chiel. What he says makes sense." He smiled over to me and looked back up at Chiel. "Let's see what his plans are." He gave his shoulder a squeeze and brought his hand down.] Combining them maintains the same subject and gives a clear attribution for who is speaking. In this: ["Listen to Doctrex, Chiel. What he says makes sense." He smiled...] has an unclear antecedent to trip over and interrupt the otherwise vivid and constant dream you're spinning.
This all would be a lot more suspenseful if we knew Attilla was listening.
This also has an unclear antecedent. Are you talking about Chiel or Doctrex here? [He hoped his alliance was a wise one.]
I like the way you've put this episode together. It flows nicely and stays active with a shocking surprise scene at the end. Keep up the good writing! Best regards, BobFox
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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This episode starts strong. We are in the action right away. The protagonist is challenged with a danger (starving people). The suspense increases as complications leave the protagonist difficult choices. The dialog and descriptions of mannerisms is very clear.
Consider merging the following two paragraphs: [Chiel's head slumped to his chest. He shut his eyes so tightly tears squeezed through his lashes, and his chin trembled. Bips stepped over, and being about six inches shorter, could do little more than reach up and cup his palm on his leader's shoulder.
"Listen to Doctrex, Chiel. What he says makes sense." He smiled over to me and looked back up at Chiel. "Let's see what his plans are." He gave his shoulder a squeeze and brought his hand down.] Combining them maintains the same subject and gives a clear attribution for who is speaking. In this: ["Listen to Doctrex, Chiel. What he says makes sense." He smiled...] has an unclear antecedent to trip over and interrupt the otherwise vivid and constant dream you're spinning.
This all would be a lot more suspenseful if we knew Attilla was listening.
This also has an unclear antecedent. Are you talking about Chiel or Doctrex here? [He hoped his alliance was a wise one.]
I like the way you've put this episode together. It flows nicely and stays active with a shocking surprise scene at the end. Keep up the good writing! Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written 09-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Robert, no post is complete until I get a review from you. I do agree with you on combining the paragraphs. I deferred to the suggestions of another Fanstorian (regarding, not this, but other long paragraphs)and against my own judgement (and now yours). It will make it longer but more immediately understandable.
Axtilla is Doctrex's "hon". Were you thinking of that when you wrote Attila? LOl.
About the POV thing, allow me to explain. I put that sentence in about the alliance much as a baker would pop a needed chocolate chip in an uncooked cookie before putting it in the oven. I added that sentence to the chapter just before posting. Like the extra chocolate chip, I thought it was needed. I apparently forgot I was writing in the first person. Go figure! I changed it yesterday to "I hoped my alliance was a wise one." You must have downloaded the chapter earlier and didn't get the edited version. I DO thank you for being only the second person to alert me to it.
Now to go back and combine paragraphs. Thanks for that and all your kind remarks, BobFox.
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I'm traveling. Right now I'm in a place without internet. I download stories to review and work on them later. So yes, there is a delay between when I get them and when I respond. And where I'm going next could be worse.
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These days what I'm trying to unearth is suspense: Goals, countdowns, challenges, impossible choices, complications, inner conflicts, flawed heroes, sexual tension, betrayal, and cliffhangers.
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That covers just about all of them. Glad you found some of them with my novel.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Great writing as always, my friend. Well written detail about the bath. Sure sounds like a lot of work involved. I think I'll stick with modern plumbing and the shower. Have a good week, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Great writing as always, my friend. Well written detail about the bath. Sure sounds like a lot of work involved. I think I'll stick with modern plumbing and the shower. Have a good week, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 09-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Thank you SO MUCH for the Generous rating and the kind remarks. I appreciate you so much.
Comment from Ulla
Jay, I like this story more and more now that I am getting more into it. It's the old tale of nobody can trust anybody. It rings a bell somehow, history repeating itself. I feel sorry for Chiel and I felt sorry for the Taylor. That scene was very well written how he humbly bore his undeserved punishment. A fascinating list of characters you are painting here. All the best. Ulla
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Jay, I like this story more and more now that I am getting more into it. It's the old tale of nobody can trust anybody. It rings a bell somehow, history repeating itself. I feel sorry for Chiel and I felt sorry for the Taylor. That scene was very well written how he humbly bore his undeserved punishment. A fascinating list of characters you are painting here. All the best. Ulla
Comment Written 09-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Thank you, Ulla, for your generous rating and kind words. You picked up the tenor of what I wanted to leave with the reader. You need to know who your friends are, but don't believe them a hundred percent.
Comment from Spitfire
I'm beginning to pick up the gist of this. To be honest, it makes me think of the terrorist movement now so prevalent and extending further into our shores.
he found himself suddenly absorbed into a larger system, and in the end, that system was the shadow which would be cast, not his. He was a good man. But in him--as in all men--burrowing through the rich soil of compassion was the root-bed of power which could grow the way of tolerance or the way of tyranny. He hoped his alliance was a wise one.
This rings a bell or a story that repeats itself throughout history.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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I'm beginning to pick up the gist of this. To be honest, it makes me think of the terrorist movement now so prevalent and extending further into our shores.
he found himself suddenly absorbed into a larger system, and in the end, that system was the shadow which would be cast, not his. He was a good man. But in him--as in all men--burrowing through the rich soil of compassion was the root-bed of power which could grow the way of tolerance or the way of tyranny. He hoped his alliance was a wise one.
This rings a bell or a story that repeats itself throughout history.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thanks for stopping by with the wisdom of your observations and your kind and generous remarks.
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Whatever you write, it comes out well. Have you found an agent yet who might be interested in your talent?
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I'm hawking my short stories. I got one accepted by a literary journal--the one about the old guys competing.
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I get a fair amount of e-mail advertising contests or needed stories. I forward them to three other writers on the site. If you would like to be included, send me your e-mail address. Use mine for contact so it's easy for me to add to my list.
lamayshari@gmail.com
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Sure, Shari. My email is gwsquiresjr@gmail.com. I appreciate any sources. Thanks.