THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Pressure on a Bruise"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
37 total reviews
Comment from Sis Cat
Clean prose. Engaging story. Most of this chapter occurs in interior monologue. Nevertheless, his thoughts are filled with confusions and conjectures. There is action and the story moves forward. This chapter comprised a summary of characters in the novel. I was glad to see the frog and Percy mentioned again. I am a bit apprehensive about that marriage whether it is before the battle or afterwards. Rhuether's full-blown laughter heightened my suspicions.
By the time I reviewed this, all of the spags have been cleaned up and I can find no more.
Thank you for sharing your exemplary writing.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016
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Clean prose. Engaging story. Most of this chapter occurs in interior monologue. Nevertheless, his thoughts are filled with confusions and conjectures. There is action and the story moves forward. This chapter comprised a summary of characters in the novel. I was glad to see the frog and Percy mentioned again. I am a bit apprehensive about that marriage whether it is before the battle or afterwards. Rhuether's full-blown laughter heightened my suspicions.
By the time I reviewed this, all of the spags have been cleaned up and I can find no more.
Thank you for sharing your exemplary writing.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016
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I'm so happy you enjoyed this, Andre. You are one of my favorite reviewers, not because of the sixes, but because you seem to take something away from my writing. So ... thanks, my friend.
Comment from June Estep Fiorelli
Hi, Jay, I'm waiting for the fall...but will it be Ginot or Doctrex? I'm not sure at this point. They both have something up their respective sleeves, and though we hope the protagonist wins the fair maiden, I'm not betting the family jewels on it.
In the part about the fearful things...the frog, etc. Although I was unable to go back to read that, others would have, so I suggest some small cuts here.
There's quite a bit of telling in this chapter, one of the pitfalls of 1st person POV. (Have you thought of rewriting the book with the omnipotent POV? Just suggesting a possibility; it's much easier.)
In the paragraph about lunch: you write " ...have someone bring your lunch by today." Doesn't he have lunch every day now? Is there some significance to this? That Chiel will have someone do it? Not sure if there is some significance I'm missing?
You've written a good, suspenseful ending. Good luck, Jay. June
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2016
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Hi, Jay, I'm waiting for the fall...but will it be Ginot or Doctrex? I'm not sure at this point. They both have something up their respective sleeves, and though we hope the protagonist wins the fair maiden, I'm not betting the family jewels on it.
In the part about the fearful things...the frog, etc. Although I was unable to go back to read that, others would have, so I suggest some small cuts here.
There's quite a bit of telling in this chapter, one of the pitfalls of 1st person POV. (Have you thought of rewriting the book with the omnipotent POV? Just suggesting a possibility; it's much easier.)
In the paragraph about lunch: you write " ...have someone bring your lunch by today." Doesn't he have lunch every day now? Is there some significance to this? That Chiel will have someone do it? Not sure if there is some significance I'm missing?
You've written a good, suspenseful ending. Good luck, Jay. June
Comment Written 22-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2016
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Thank you, June. I've never felt brave enough for the omniscient POV. This is the last book of a LOOOOONG trilogy (about 1,000 pages). No, I don't think I'll be making any POV changes, thank you. LOL. I've had enough trouble getting rid of filter words, and keeping it out of the passive voice.
Glad to have you dropping by again. Why'd you wait and have to read it for 2 cents? I shouldn't complain about that. It's quite a tribute.
Bless you, June.
Jay
Comment from Curly Girly
There is much detail in the small things. I'm not sure if they are all important or not, but things are moving slowly, inch by inch.
"Battle?" He chuckled, considered the confusion he must have seen etched in my face,
I'm also confused!
Nicole
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2016
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There is much detail in the small things. I'm not sure if they are all important or not, but things are moving slowly, inch by inch.
"Battle?" He chuckled, considered the confusion he must have seen etched in my face,
I'm also confused!
Nicole
Comment Written 20-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2016
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So, you are saying it's moving too slowly? That's a feeling I have too. I'm just following the tempo of the characters feed me. The Battle? Why would that not confuse you? LOL. It's part of the cliff-hanger.
Comment from Reedblitzerman
Hi Jay. So this answers some of the questions I asked previously. Nice bridge to the next episode. You can see Pondria building the justification in his mind to do Glnot in. I liked this detail, "The tailor was horrified that I spoke the name Glnot Rhuether instead of Almighty Master." It's so specific, it could almost be a mini scene of it's own. It stuck with me.
I was late to this book. Is the water at the opening significant? I don't know if this is a desert world where having plentiful water might be a sign of wealth. I can see it sets the scene. but maybe switching the order with "for now my job is done", which I feel might be a stronger opening. You get the feeling he's gloating a bit, so the end comes as even more of a shocker.
The cliffhanger at the end was excellent. I didn't see it coming and neither did Pondria.
I will be looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2016
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Hi Jay. So this answers some of the questions I asked previously. Nice bridge to the next episode. You can see Pondria building the justification in his mind to do Glnot in. I liked this detail, "The tailor was horrified that I spoke the name Glnot Rhuether instead of Almighty Master." It's so specific, it could almost be a mini scene of it's own. It stuck with me.
I was late to this book. Is the water at the opening significant? I don't know if this is a desert world where having plentiful water might be a sign of wealth. I can see it sets the scene. but maybe switching the order with "for now my job is done", which I feel might be a stronger opening. You get the feeling he's gloating a bit, so the end comes as even more of a shocker.
The cliffhanger at the end was excellent. I didn't see it coming and neither did Pondria.
I will be looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2016
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Water plays a significant role in it, which will be referenced with a little back story about 4 or 5 chapters hence. More important to understand what's going on here, though, are two chapters from Book II (chapters 15 and 16). Here are the links to them if you are interested:
http://classic.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=712143
http://classic.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=712310
Meanwhile, thanks so much for your interest, Reed. Its so encouraging.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A well-written chapter, Jay. I like the ending--a promise of excitement to come. This is all coming together so very well. I think this might be the best part of the book yet. Take care, my friend. Hope you are getting lots done with the help of your furry friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2016
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A well-written chapter, Jay. I like the ending--a promise of excitement to come. This is all coming together so very well. I think this might be the best part of the book yet. Take care, my friend. Hope you are getting lots done with the help of your furry friend~Debbie
Comment Written 20-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2016
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Thanks, Debbie. Glad you're enjoying this. Yeah, Sirius and I are doing fine. Thanks for asking.
Comment from --Turtle.
Rhuether fully expected from her.
(You did a really good job of utilizing speculation to paint the story here in a believable way. The confidence in Doctrex's laying out what is happening makes it read as if the reader is IN the room with Glnot and Axtilla as it happens, and yet the pov is maintained, and the pov allows for the potential of setting the reader up for being tricked... I can't remember.. wait, I remember now ... an unreliable pov who is being honest with the reader, but potentially with the wrong information. Maybe this played out exactly as Doctrex believes. Maybe not. I actually believe it probably is as Doctrex believes here... his belief is so strong, I sense this as a device as I read it... the reader gets to see what is happening with Glnot, without losing pov.
down a flower stem to breathe in the fragrance. Axtilla ...
(I like his head over heals reminder, here the strength of the feelings indicates Doctrex's bond with Axtilla is strong and true)
This was his palace, though, and I'd not seen him give me advance notice when he would come by.
(paused on this sentence... maybe you mean, and he'd yet to give me advance notice when he would come by. Kill the filter words I see)
crossing my arms across my stomach.
(already counting chickens, Doctrex? The battle is already won? Hmmm?)
"We had originally planned for the ceremony after the battle between our soldiers and the Kabeezan military(,) since your Council of Twelve had foolishly planned an all-out assault on us here." (suggest the comma to help prepare for differentiate between since= time... or since = explaination
{converted to}(became?) full-blown laughter.
I wasn't sure about converted to... thought to suggest became for your consideration only.
So things are moving along as plan, nice use of speculation to imply to show what might be going on with Glnot and Axtilla, nice suspense and curiosity to what Glnot finds very amusing, continuing along to see what is going to happen next.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Rhuether fully expected from her.
(You did a really good job of utilizing speculation to paint the story here in a believable way. The confidence in Doctrex's laying out what is happening makes it read as if the reader is IN the room with Glnot and Axtilla as it happens, and yet the pov is maintained, and the pov allows for the potential of setting the reader up for being tricked... I can't remember.. wait, I remember now ... an unreliable pov who is being honest with the reader, but potentially with the wrong information. Maybe this played out exactly as Doctrex believes. Maybe not. I actually believe it probably is as Doctrex believes here... his belief is so strong, I sense this as a device as I read it... the reader gets to see what is happening with Glnot, without losing pov.
down a flower stem to breathe in the fragrance. Axtilla ...
(I like his head over heals reminder, here the strength of the feelings indicates Doctrex's bond with Axtilla is strong and true)
This was his palace, though, and I'd not seen him give me advance notice when he would come by.
(paused on this sentence... maybe you mean, and he'd yet to give me advance notice when he would come by. Kill the filter words I see)
crossing my arms across my stomach.
(already counting chickens, Doctrex? The battle is already won? Hmmm?)
"We had originally planned for the ceremony after the battle between our soldiers and the Kabeezan military(,) since your Council of Twelve had foolishly planned an all-out assault on us here." (suggest the comma to help prepare for differentiate between since= time... or since = explaination
{converted to}(became?) full-blown laughter.
I wasn't sure about converted to... thought to suggest became for your consideration only.
So things are moving along as plan, nice use of speculation to imply to show what might be going on with Glnot and Axtilla, nice suspense and curiosity to what Glnot finds very amusing, continuing along to see what is going to happen next.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Many thanks for the excellent review, Turtle.
"(paused on this sentence... maybe you mean, and he'd yet to give me advance notice when he would come by. Kill the filter words I see)" I actually have been getting pretty good at eliminating filter words. But I'm only in Filter 101 and you're in the next semester. I changed it--actually pasted yours in.
I also took a look at "converted" in the last sentence. I agree with you, but I "converted it" to "changed to" instead of "became" since I wanted a feeling of process that comes with "changed to". Converted, though, DID sound kind of sterile.
Again, thanks for your help.
Comment from William Ross
Very good, very well written, have a hard time keeping so many stories straight, reading so many different ones at once. The writing is excellent. great job. have a great day.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Very good, very well written, have a hard time keeping so many stories straight, reading so many different ones at once. The writing is excellent. great job. have a great day.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Thank you, William. Ohhhhh, I know the feeling. I'm happy I cut back my reviewing.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Hi, Jay - just popped in for a short while - not able to
concentrate for too long.
The flickering torchlight still empowered the imagination to conjure movement, especially in the parts the rational mind accept as able to move in the real world, like wings and breath - just love this line - great writing.
I'm left wondering what Rheuther has in mind - he's so devious.
Margaret
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Hi, Jay - just popped in for a short while - not able to
concentrate for too long.
The flickering torchlight still empowered the imagination to conjure movement, especially in the parts the rational mind accept as able to move in the real world, like wings and breath - just love this line - great writing.
I'm left wondering what Rheuther has in mind - he's so devious.
Margaret
Comment Written 19-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Good to have you back, Margaret. I've been away a lot as well.
Comment from Writingfundimension
I find it very challenging to keep the momentum going on a novel. Yet, you have not only met that challenge, but have managed to make the story even more rich and deep. It's been very interesting for me personally to watch this process, Jay.
Highlights for me:
'She'd listen to the nuance of every word Rhuether delivered. She'd know to keep her smiles hidden.'
This further cements my belief that Doctrex and Axtilla are two halves of one whole. He knows how she'll respond and, I'd bet, he's right on target.
'The flickering torchlight still empowered the imagination to conjure movement, especially in the parts the rational mind accept as able to move in the real world, like wings and breath.' Lovely, lyrical writing.
With that ending, I'm afraid Doctrex might have been a bit too smug in his assumptions. Looking forward to seeing what the devious Rheuther has up his sleeve.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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I find it very challenging to keep the momentum going on a novel. Yet, you have not only met that challenge, but have managed to make the story even more rich and deep. It's been very interesting for me personally to watch this process, Jay.
Highlights for me:
'She'd listen to the nuance of every word Rhuether delivered. She'd know to keep her smiles hidden.'
This further cements my belief that Doctrex and Axtilla are two halves of one whole. He knows how she'll respond and, I'd bet, he's right on target.
'The flickering torchlight still empowered the imagination to conjure movement, especially in the parts the rational mind accept as able to move in the real world, like wings and breath.' Lovely, lyrical writing.
With that ending, I'm afraid Doctrex might have been a bit too smug in his assumptions. Looking forward to seeing what the devious Rheuther has up his sleeve.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Yes, Doctrex does have a touch of hubris in his make-up. I wonder if it will be his undoing. Thanks, Bev, for the six. It means a lot to me.
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You're welcome, Jay. Well-deserved. :) Bev
Comment from Fridayauthor
As usual, a fine chapter. While it is something of a pause between action, you manage to maintain the the high level of tension. The dialog is especially right on.
Most enjoyable, Jay and fun to read.
Thanks!
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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As usual, a fine chapter. While it is something of a pause between action, you manage to maintain the the high level of tension. The dialog is especially right on.
Most enjoyable, Jay and fun to read.
Thanks!
Comment Written 18-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Hey, Ray. Ever since he has been captured and brought to the palace it's been a pause before action. I'm glad you're enjoying it.