THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Sacred Rites of Conjugality"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
33 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Doctrex is using his persuasive ability to sway Glnot here, though you show Glnot's doubts through his actions and questions. It's good to see him being pro-active and not simply waiting and hoping, even if his options are very limited.
I'm not getting a sense of how Doctrex is feeling during this, though--that's probably why I picked up on the lack of internal thoughts as they'd help add that extra connection. Although, the problem could also be down to the FS format, and having the chapter chopped into chunks. It might be that if I were reading the whole chapter in one go the emotional side would be there as things are.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
I needed something easily remembered. So I chose the voodoo magic that Viktor, of my previous life, had a fascination with as a psychologist.
--How long has been thinking his story up? Is the choice of Mojo etc. spurr of the moment (the way he thinks the above suggests he's thinking it up as he goes), or did he have an inkling of what he might say to Glnot when he first suggested Axtilla ask for him to give her away? I'd like to see more of Doctrex's thoughts throughout the conversation to show how much of what he says is preplanned and how much based on/changed by Glnot's reactions. Also, is this all Doctrex speaking, or are his words being influenced as they have been in the past when he's talked people into things? (I'm guessing the first but wanted to double-check.) Maybe I'm being too fussy, but a bit more internal doodads might help balance out the dialogue and visuals. (I feel like a bit of a hypocrite saying this, but when I say in my author notes a scene feels lacking in something, this is the type of something I mean.)
What is it? Tell me about it.
--Maybe add a clue to how he says this: is he simply curious, concerned, annoyed, etc?
Two people, so bound, were bound for life of both of them. So if one died the other could never join with a new mate.
--This could be tightened by deleting "of both of them. So", so it reads: Two people, so bound, were bound for life. If one died the other could never join with a new mate.
I noticed signs of agitation again.
--Describe them?
I took another orongos from the bowl and peeled it as I continued.
--This would be a good place for a possible added thought. You could mention Glnot appears to be buying the story, or that Doctrex was surprised by how well his story is working so far, etc.
Because of the wars and plagues there wasn't always a father in the bride's family to give her away.
--Nobody died young before this? Sorry--being picky, but maybe Glnot could pick up on this and protest? You don't want it to be TOO easy for Doctrex to string him along.
"Indeed?"
--Consider popping in an action from Doctrex here. Raised eyebrows spring to mind. Or a deliberate injection of, um, amusement in Doctrex's voice.
in my younger days
--Maybe put something stronger in here instead--something to remind Glnot of their past--like 'not long after you, well...' and let it hang so Glnot doesn't have time to dwell on it.
I took the time to study its history. Tomes exist which describe its history
--Change second 'its history' to 'it' to avoid repeat.
tested my growing knowledge of the magic of the Mojo, against what I'd heard
--Delete comma
I popped a slice of orongos in my mouth and waited for his attention to return.
--Another place where you could add a thought. Maybe let Doctrex's mind wander and have him wonder how Axtilla might react when Glnot relays what's been discussed.
I waited for him to ask the question that would lead me into the most profound part of my plan.
--How is Doctrex feeling at this point? Confident, worried, hopeful? Maybe a bit of a mix?
which rendered his reactions to my story to be unrefined
--Do you need to tell the reader this?
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2016
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Doctrex is using his persuasive ability to sway Glnot here, though you show Glnot's doubts through his actions and questions. It's good to see him being pro-active and not simply waiting and hoping, even if his options are very limited.
I'm not getting a sense of how Doctrex is feeling during this, though--that's probably why I picked up on the lack of internal thoughts as they'd help add that extra connection. Although, the problem could also be down to the FS format, and having the chapter chopped into chunks. It might be that if I were reading the whole chapter in one go the emotional side would be there as things are.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
I needed something easily remembered. So I chose the voodoo magic that Viktor, of my previous life, had a fascination with as a psychologist.
--How long has been thinking his story up? Is the choice of Mojo etc. spurr of the moment (the way he thinks the above suggests he's thinking it up as he goes), or did he have an inkling of what he might say to Glnot when he first suggested Axtilla ask for him to give her away? I'd like to see more of Doctrex's thoughts throughout the conversation to show how much of what he says is preplanned and how much based on/changed by Glnot's reactions. Also, is this all Doctrex speaking, or are his words being influenced as they have been in the past when he's talked people into things? (I'm guessing the first but wanted to double-check.) Maybe I'm being too fussy, but a bit more internal doodads might help balance out the dialogue and visuals. (I feel like a bit of a hypocrite saying this, but when I say in my author notes a scene feels lacking in something, this is the type of something I mean.)
What is it? Tell me about it.
--Maybe add a clue to how he says this: is he simply curious, concerned, annoyed, etc?
Two people, so bound, were bound for life of both of them. So if one died the other could never join with a new mate.
--This could be tightened by deleting "of both of them. So", so it reads: Two people, so bound, were bound for life. If one died the other could never join with a new mate.
I noticed signs of agitation again.
--Describe them?
I took another orongos from the bowl and peeled it as I continued.
--This would be a good place for a possible added thought. You could mention Glnot appears to be buying the story, or that Doctrex was surprised by how well his story is working so far, etc.
Because of the wars and plagues there wasn't always a father in the bride's family to give her away.
--Nobody died young before this? Sorry--being picky, but maybe Glnot could pick up on this and protest? You don't want it to be TOO easy for Doctrex to string him along.
"Indeed?"
--Consider popping in an action from Doctrex here. Raised eyebrows spring to mind. Or a deliberate injection of, um, amusement in Doctrex's voice.
in my younger days
--Maybe put something stronger in here instead--something to remind Glnot of their past--like 'not long after you, well...' and let it hang so Glnot doesn't have time to dwell on it.
I took the time to study its history. Tomes exist which describe its history
--Change second 'its history' to 'it' to avoid repeat.
tested my growing knowledge of the magic of the Mojo, against what I'd heard
--Delete comma
I popped a slice of orongos in my mouth and waited for his attention to return.
--Another place where you could add a thought. Maybe let Doctrex's mind wander and have him wonder how Axtilla might react when Glnot relays what's been discussed.
I waited for him to ask the question that would lead me into the most profound part of my plan.
--How is Doctrex feeling at this point? Confident, worried, hopeful? Maybe a bit of a mix?
which rendered his reactions to my story to be unrefined
--Do you need to tell the reader this?
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2016
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Alex, you?ve given me some really meaty suggestions and some vantage points from which to view Doctrex in his proffered myth. Unfortunately, I can?t deal with them at this moment. They will be a major part of my final edit on this chapter. Thank you for giving this chapter such a deep read.
How long has been thinking his story up? Is the choice of Mojo etc. spurr of the moment [I?ll have to look this over. It was known at the time of the banquet, since he told Axtilla to insist to Rhuether that Doxtrex gives her away. I?ll make note on my final edit to look that over.
Once again, you are such a perceptive reviewer. Thanks for sharing it.
Comment from happykat4
Excellent chapter. Mojo, quite the story and told very well and Rhuether not yet a believer, but it appears the story will continue to draw him in. J, I have to tell you have not read the chapters but this is interesting and I think I will continue on. He said that his gift of the chapter hanging so that I will read it. Thank you.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2016
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Excellent chapter. Mojo, quite the story and told very well and Rhuether not yet a believer, but it appears the story will continue to draw him in. J, I have to tell you have not read the chapters but this is interesting and I think I will continue on. He said that his gift of the chapter hanging so that I will read it. Thank you.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much, Happykat. I'm pleased you are going to continue on with this novel. I hope it will satisfy you.
Comment from robyn corum
I particularly like the fact that Pondria is wiping the juice from his chin after just sharing a story of blood flowing like a river. Very apropos. *smile*
This should be interesting!
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2016
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I particularly like the fact that Pondria is wiping the juice from his chin after just sharing a story of blood flowing like a river. Very apropos. *smile*
This should be interesting!
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2016
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Robyn, timing is everything. Thank you for reading and I'm thrilled you enjoyed it.
Comment from amahra
Rhuether laughed until he choked and started coughing. He held up a finger, smiling through his cough until it subsided.[good and realistic image.]
Rhuether put his head in his hands and rocked in his chair. "Brother, you're making my head spin."
I popped a slice of orongos in my mouth and waited for his attention to return.
"Go ahead," he said, giving his head a little shake. {here and above are good visuals for the reader]
I wiped the juice from my hands with one of the napkins by the fruit bowl, pressed it against my lips, and returned it balled up to the table. "If you wish."[amazing how you make normal human action work for a really nice ending to a chapter.]
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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Rhuether laughed until he choked and started coughing. He held up a finger, smiling through his cough until it subsided.[good and realistic image.]
Rhuether put his head in his hands and rocked in his chair. "Brother, you're making my head spin."
I popped a slice of orongos in my mouth and waited for his attention to return.
"Go ahead," he said, giving his head a little shake. {here and above are good visuals for the reader]
I wiped the juice from my hands with one of the napkins by the fruit bowl, pressed it against my lips, and returned it balled up to the table. "If you wish."[amazing how you make normal human action work for a really nice ending to a chapter.]
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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Every time I saw a quote, I thought, "oh-oh, what'd I do wrong." THanks for 5 kudos!
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Jay Squire,
Nice piece of Fantasy Fiction beautifully depicting its theme!
The description of 'Mojo' is particularly noteworthy.
Wording is impressive and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow from the beginning to the end with lively imagery.
Interesting and motivating for the next part.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
 |
Hello Jay Squire,
Nice piece of Fantasy Fiction beautifully depicting its theme!
The description of 'Mojo' is particularly noteworthy.
Wording is impressive and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow from the beginning to the end with lively imagery.
Interesting and motivating for the next part.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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So appreciative, RP, especially coming from one of your stature here. The six dollops it!
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Jay,
Read through this chapter. Seems like Doctrex is setting up a con of some sort. One lingering perception I came away with was the surprise that Glnot was stepping into the con a little like a younger brother being played, harder to see him as a more cunning supreme leader, through this chapter... or perhaps it's all a little too easy. I'm interested to see how it plays out.
Was noticing them saying each other's names -- It was about 8 to 8.... ~16 evoking of names through the chapter. I suppose it could be some vying for power. Like if you say my name... I have to say yours... if you call me brother.... I have to do it too. But I'm not sure because many of your characters show this trait, so I figure I'd point at the ones that really drew my eye.
I continued to stare at him, my chin still atop my fist.
(I was thinking... it's kind of difficult to talk (long sentences) when you are resting your chin directly atop a fist, because it's the chin that moves when talking, or the jaw has to move the top of the head)
"We should be, brother*.
(Maybe you fixed this, When Glnot calls Doctrex 'Brother' it's caped... when Doctrex called him brother here... it's isn't/wasn't capitalized.)
And brother*, I am. That's why I cannot give Axtilla away."
Rhuether huffed*, and his eyes darted about the room before they alighted, blinking, on me. "But--but I've got to ... we've got to. I don't know anything about this Mojo. What is it? Tell me about it?"
(I think this is where I wondered about Rhuether acting more as a kid brother, being lured into a tale by an older, more confident brother.)
"[I'm sure the history is very important to you, Pondria, but] can we get to the specifics of today, right now?"
(If he's being impatient, would he delay the request to get to the point with identifying history?)
I smiled at this evidence of his impatience, but I needed to build [up to]? my argument properly. "We're almost there, Glnot*. Because of
"At last. Go on, go on(.)"
(missing period)
parts of the original Sacred Rites of Conjugation(,) since it
(suggest because since could be a time stamp, instead of the explanation.)
"Okay!" he said, louder (than)? I think {than}? he intended; with
(Maybe move the than? That's just my passing thought.)
continued. "With(Because of?) the wars and plagues there wasn't
"Many years ago, in my younger days, {at the time}(when) the Sacred Rites of Conjugality had already loosened its hold, and yet
(a concern here... because of the length and way the sentence starts, midway, I think Doctrex is answering the question directly...
When did this make sense to you?
Many years ago, at the time the Rites loosened it's hold...
Then it isn't till much later in the sentence... when I get to: I took the time to study..., i got a freefall sensation that the tone of the question is different than I thought... because the beginning, which I took for being the answer... was only time framing the start of a longer answer. I don't know if you understand what I mean, but I guess to make it clearer.... I started reading this as if it were in the format:
When did you ...?
Long time ago.
When it really seems, later on to be intended as:
When did you...?
Well, once upon a time...
so when I got to the "I took time to study, I had to re-visualize what the stuff before really was.
Bringing that to your attention, if you think it could be clarified)
Tomes exist which describe its history, its uses and abuses in other lands, {distant in time and space from the Far Southern Provinces} (this part seems tacked on. but to what? This might need strengthening because I'm not sure what the emphasis is on. double its history. Also(,) Glnot*, I tested my growing knowledge of
"You might think scholarly curiosity made me the single authority on Mojo in the Far Southern Province. (However)? When I paired it with the results(consequences?) of {the violation of}(violating?) the Rules of the Variations(,) I saw opportunity for personal profit."
"Ah-ha, yes! As soon as my reputation came to flower(reputation as what? a facilitator? maybe just as an expert? This I accepted, but wasn't sure what he meant), people all over the province, and even outside of it, paid me
(Might be more clearer if it's put in order: As soon as my reputation as a facilitator came to flower, people paid me handsomely to .... (do what? Hand brides off? As an expert came to flower?)
"{Glnot,} in your heart [to]? do you believe this is what I was leading to?" (there's an extra 'to')
"[Pondria,]? I don't understand, then. Because you are a facilitator,
"[Glnot, e](E)?ven after I studied the literature on Mojo, and heard of
abstract way. [Even though ]?I was preparing myself for a career as a facilitator, (and)? I didn't believe it in here." I tapped my chest.
(not sure... wondered if it is more convincing to start with 'I' here instead of 'even though' This isn't really a suggestion, it's... I don't even know, I was considering deleting it, but I had the same thought twice, so I didn't)
of the bride, a mere two hours into his assignment, told his daughter it(It? Mojo? It... the wedding? It his assignment? maybe clarify 'it'?) was a waste of time. He got up to leave and before he
missing. His words were his {deeds}(misdeed)?. He didn't even have
table's surface which rendered his reactions to my story to be unrefined. (awkward phrasing, maybe wordy... not sure. Are you saying that it was difficult to make out his reactions?)
When I described the blood pouring from the father's throat, Rhuether['s eyes] winced and [he] grimaced. He was nearly there.
(I didn't like the eyes wincing. Might be able to simplify this?)
(Now I might be nit-picking to the kitchen sink, and it might be because I'm as ignorant about Mojo and Variations as Glnot, so I'm really depending on Doctrex to be clear in what he's describing so I, if nothing else, gather what he's trying to sell with my limited knowledge of the traditions. I pulled sentences forward where I hesitated, but overall, there is a nice mixture of movement and dialogue, you keep Doctrex engaging with Glnot, instead of divulging into a dissertation, which I like, and what I gathered from the discussion: Doctrex and Glnot are in a battle of witts, and if Glnot falls for this, he is very trusting. It is believable to me. Perceiving one's self as infallible, leaves for a doorway to tricking yourself into believing things others might question... And anyone who calls them-self the Almighty anything, that gives a sense of ego about it.
Nice attention to details, and I am curious where it will lead.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2016
|
Hi, Jay,
Read through this chapter. Seems like Doctrex is setting up a con of some sort. One lingering perception I came away with was the surprise that Glnot was stepping into the con a little like a younger brother being played, harder to see him as a more cunning supreme leader, through this chapter... or perhaps it's all a little too easy. I'm interested to see how it plays out.
Was noticing them saying each other's names -- It was about 8 to 8.... ~16 evoking of names through the chapter. I suppose it could be some vying for power. Like if you say my name... I have to say yours... if you call me brother.... I have to do it too. But I'm not sure because many of your characters show this trait, so I figure I'd point at the ones that really drew my eye.
I continued to stare at him, my chin still atop my fist.
(I was thinking... it's kind of difficult to talk (long sentences) when you are resting your chin directly atop a fist, because it's the chin that moves when talking, or the jaw has to move the top of the head)
"We should be, brother*.
(Maybe you fixed this, When Glnot calls Doctrex 'Brother' it's caped... when Doctrex called him brother here... it's isn't/wasn't capitalized.)
And brother*, I am. That's why I cannot give Axtilla away."
Rhuether huffed*, and his eyes darted about the room before they alighted, blinking, on me. "But--but I've got to ... we've got to. I don't know anything about this Mojo. What is it? Tell me about it?"
(I think this is where I wondered about Rhuether acting more as a kid brother, being lured into a tale by an older, more confident brother.)
"[I'm sure the history is very important to you, Pondria, but] can we get to the specifics of today, right now?"
(If he's being impatient, would he delay the request to get to the point with identifying history?)
I smiled at this evidence of his impatience, but I needed to build [up to]? my argument properly. "We're almost there, Glnot*. Because of
"At last. Go on, go on(.)"
(missing period)
parts of the original Sacred Rites of Conjugation(,) since it
(suggest because since could be a time stamp, instead of the explanation.)
"Okay!" he said, louder (than)? I think {than}? he intended; with
(Maybe move the than? That's just my passing thought.)
continued. "With(Because of?) the wars and plagues there wasn't
"Many years ago, in my younger days, {at the time}(when) the Sacred Rites of Conjugality had already loosened its hold, and yet
(a concern here... because of the length and way the sentence starts, midway, I think Doctrex is answering the question directly...
When did this make sense to you?
Many years ago, at the time the Rites loosened it's hold...
Then it isn't till much later in the sentence... when I get to: I took the time to study..., i got a freefall sensation that the tone of the question is different than I thought... because the beginning, which I took for being the answer... was only time framing the start of a longer answer. I don't know if you understand what I mean, but I guess to make it clearer.... I started reading this as if it were in the format:
When did you ...?
Long time ago.
When it really seems, later on to be intended as:
When did you...?
Well, once upon a time...
so when I got to the "I took time to study, I had to re-visualize what the stuff before really was.
Bringing that to your attention, if you think it could be clarified)
Tomes exist which describe its history, its uses and abuses in other lands, {distant in time and space from the Far Southern Provinces} (this part seems tacked on. but to what? This might need strengthening because I'm not sure what the emphasis is on. double its history. Also(,) Glnot*, I tested my growing knowledge of
"You might think scholarly curiosity made me the single authority on Mojo in the Far Southern Province. (However)? When I paired it with the results(consequences?) of {the violation of}(violating?) the Rules of the Variations(,) I saw opportunity for personal profit."
"Ah-ha, yes! As soon as my reputation came to flower(reputation as what? a facilitator? maybe just as an expert? This I accepted, but wasn't sure what he meant), people all over the province, and even outside of it, paid me
(Might be more clearer if it's put in order: As soon as my reputation as a facilitator came to flower, people paid me handsomely to .... (do what? Hand brides off? As an expert came to flower?)
"{Glnot,} in your heart [to]? do you believe this is what I was leading to?" (there's an extra 'to')
"[Pondria,]? I don't understand, then. Because you are a facilitator,
"[Glnot, e](E)?ven after I studied the literature on Mojo, and heard of
abstract way. [Even though ]?I was preparing myself for a career as a facilitator, (and)? I didn't believe it in here." I tapped my chest.
(not sure... wondered if it is more convincing to start with 'I' here instead of 'even though' This isn't really a suggestion, it's... I don't even know, I was considering deleting it, but I had the same thought twice, so I didn't)
of the bride, a mere two hours into his assignment, told his daughter it(It? Mojo? It... the wedding? It his assignment? maybe clarify 'it'?) was a waste of time. He got up to leave and before he
missing. His words were his {deeds}(misdeed)?. He didn't even have
table's surface which rendered his reactions to my story to be unrefined. (awkward phrasing, maybe wordy... not sure. Are you saying that it was difficult to make out his reactions?)
When I described the blood pouring from the father's throat, Rhuether['s eyes] winced and [he] grimaced. He was nearly there.
(I didn't like the eyes wincing. Might be able to simplify this?)
(Now I might be nit-picking to the kitchen sink, and it might be because I'm as ignorant about Mojo and Variations as Glnot, so I'm really depending on Doctrex to be clear in what he's describing so I, if nothing else, gather what he's trying to sell with my limited knowledge of the traditions. I pulled sentences forward where I hesitated, but overall, there is a nice mixture of movement and dialogue, you keep Doctrex engaging with Glnot, instead of divulging into a dissertation, which I like, and what I gathered from the discussion: Doctrex and Glnot are in a battle of witts, and if Glnot falls for this, he is very trusting. It is believable to me. Perceiving one's self as infallible, leaves for a doorway to tricking yourself into believing things others might question... And anyone who calls them-self the Almighty anything, that gives a sense of ego about it.
Nice attention to details, and I am curious where it will lead.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2016
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HEy, Turtle. Phew! I finished. You made some valid points. Some I'm afraid I didn't understand, so I copied them into word to look at later. I wiped out just about every "Brother" and name, unless it was needed to keep the reader clear as to who spoke. It reads better.
Again, thanks for taking so much time to give me your true feelings.
Comment from barkingdog
Doctrex has Glnot eating out of his hand with this yarn he's spinning about Mojo and the Rules of Variation. God help anyone who doesn't obey the rules! They die on the spot or lose a body part--in the story of the disobedient father, a tongue.
I don't think after the telling of the second incident that Glnot will disobey Doctrex's directions.
What a brilliant idea. He'll trap Glnot with a tale of magic. Glnot's own superstitions will be his downfall.
I didn't see any corrections and am loving this plot, Jay. Glnot is sooo gullible. I don't know how Doctrex can keep from laughing.
:) e
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
|
Doctrex has Glnot eating out of his hand with this yarn he's spinning about Mojo and the Rules of Variation. God help anyone who doesn't obey the rules! They die on the spot or lose a body part--in the story of the disobedient father, a tongue.
I don't think after the telling of the second incident that Glnot will disobey Doctrex's directions.
What a brilliant idea. He'll trap Glnot with a tale of magic. Glnot's own superstitions will be his downfall.
I didn't see any corrections and am loving this plot, Jay. Glnot is sooo gullible. I don't know how Doctrex can keep from laughing.
:) e
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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Ellen, You are saying what I hoped you would say. I hope you are voicing the thoughts of other readers.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
This is very interesting, Jay. The power of belief can be so very strong, can't it? I like the example given here, nd the strength shown in the power of belief. I feel so much of our lives are determined by what we believe, right, wrong; true,false. The power of the mind is so very important. A great chapter, my friend. Interesting and enjoyable as always. I like how this is evolving from the power of war to power of the mind~Debbie
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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This is very interesting, Jay. The power of belief can be so very strong, can't it? I like the example given here, nd the strength shown in the power of belief. I feel so much of our lives are determined by what we believe, right, wrong; true,false. The power of the mind is so very important. A great chapter, my friend. Interesting and enjoyable as always. I like how this is evolving from the power of war to power of the mind~Debbie
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter. It is all mind and belief. GOod you noticed. thanks for reading.
Comment from ciliverde
As I recall, Pondria needs time alone with Axtilla, so he's concocted this tale about the Rites of Conjugality. It's a complex story, so he must have had time to think this through. He seems to have Rheuther by the short hairs, in spite of the unlikely sounding story. Rheuther is a strange man - impulsive, impressionable in a way. He's an unusual villain.
Oh, the orongos sure remind me of oranges :)
Carol
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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As I recall, Pondria needs time alone with Axtilla, so he's concocted this tale about the Rites of Conjugality. It's a complex story, so he must have had time to think this through. He seems to have Rheuther by the short hairs, in spite of the unlikely sounding story. Rheuther is a strange man - impulsive, impressionable in a way. He's an unusual villain.
Oh, the orongos sure remind me of oranges :)
Carol
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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thanks, Carol. I think in the final edit, I shall change the name of the orongos. Too obvious.
-
I think that's a good idea.
Comment from Mastery
Hello, Jay. I see you are off to a good start this year. congratyulations on winning a trophy by the way.
Good details in this piece, my friend. Like:
"I put my elbow on the table and my chin on my closed fist and stared at him." (Perhaps, "I rested my elbow on the table though.)
And: "I watched Rhuether's reactions carefully as I told the story. Instead of his eyes focusing on me, he narrowed them to a small part of the table's surface which rendered his reactions to my story to be unrefined."
Bravo, my friend. Keep at it. Bob
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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Hello, Jay. I see you are off to a good start this year. congratyulations on winning a trophy by the way.
Good details in this piece, my friend. Like:
"I put my elbow on the table and my chin on my closed fist and stared at him." (Perhaps, "I rested my elbow on the table though.)
And: "I watched Rhuether's reactions carefully as I told the story. Instead of his eyes focusing on me, he narrowed them to a small part of the table's surface which rendered his reactions to my story to be unrefined."
Bravo, my friend. Keep at it. Bob
Comment Written 04-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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Bob, you've always been a no-nonsense reviewer, as straight forward as your prose. Thanks for your continued support.