THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Big Surprise For Doctrex"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
37 total reviews
Comment from Sasha
I enjoyed the symbolism and meaning behind those dots, actually quite fascinating. I also enjoyed the description of the salute. Great chapter that leaves us wondering how Doctrex is going to resolve his dilemma. Great work with this one.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2016
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I enjoyed the symbolism and meaning behind those dots, actually quite fascinating. I also enjoyed the description of the salute. Great chapter that leaves us wondering how Doctrex is going to resolve his dilemma. Great work with this one.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2016
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THanks so much, Sasha. I appreciate your reading this. I hope you're feeling well again.
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Bit by bit I am ever so slowly getting better.
Comment from ciliverde
Great job, Jay.
I'm way behind...too busy over the holidays.
but I did read through this...can't read them all, but have to keep up on this one :)
The suspense is starting to kill me! Seriously,
Happy New Year,
Carol
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2016
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Great job, Jay.
I'm way behind...too busy over the holidays.
but I did read through this...can't read them all, but have to keep up on this one :)
The suspense is starting to kill me! Seriously,
Happy New Year,
Carol
Comment Written 02-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2016
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Thank you, Carol. Glad you chose mine as a keeper. What makes everything seem more suspenseful are the abbreviated chapters I'm forced to write for FanStory.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Jay,
Read through this chapter,
I wasn't sure what the surprise was... the fruit? Or that the General left him some things... or was it that he thought it was the General, but it was Glnot, or that Glnot knew? A little confused there. But the dialogue and motion flowed, I coasted through this chapter pausing on very little, just interested to see what will happen.
squeegee off what had gathered in the puffiness below his eyes.
(Paused on squeegee... the word drew attention to itself. wipe would have been invisible, maybe?)
"But you wonder why not Bips?" he asked[,] through a spreading
(suggest no comma here because of the through)
He smiled and
(There is a lot of unstable emotion showing, tears, to almost smiling to flat bland no emotion, to smiling... then back to tears again. This leader of the rebellion is all over the map.)
and invited me to try one for myself, which I did. "They're called
(nice motion with the scene and descriptions. Gives a good ground and backdrop between the dialogue.)
My mouth* still held the taste of the last slice of orongos, and my wipe my mouth*. (noticed the very slight echo)
Hmm. I found it pretty difficult to find a previous chapter. I was going to go back and check my memory on if it was his idea to have Axtilla hand her off. I know they were discussing it, I was expecting her to have him hand her off... but the details are fuzzy. And your chapter numbering structure means I can't easily look back. They show up out of order. So I'll just figure I'm right and guess it's supposed to be a surprise that he doesn't agree to what he planned. Probably doesn't want to make it look like he's eager, I figure.
Turtle.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2015
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Hi Jay,
Read through this chapter,
I wasn't sure what the surprise was... the fruit? Or that the General left him some things... or was it that he thought it was the General, but it was Glnot, or that Glnot knew? A little confused there. But the dialogue and motion flowed, I coasted through this chapter pausing on very little, just interested to see what will happen.
squeegee off what had gathered in the puffiness below his eyes.
(Paused on squeegee... the word drew attention to itself. wipe would have been invisible, maybe?)
"But you wonder why not Bips?" he asked[,] through a spreading
(suggest no comma here because of the through)
He smiled and
(There is a lot of unstable emotion showing, tears, to almost smiling to flat bland no emotion, to smiling... then back to tears again. This leader of the rebellion is all over the map.)
and invited me to try one for myself, which I did. "They're called
(nice motion with the scene and descriptions. Gives a good ground and backdrop between the dialogue.)
My mouth* still held the taste of the last slice of orongos, and my wipe my mouth*. (noticed the very slight echo)
Hmm. I found it pretty difficult to find a previous chapter. I was going to go back and check my memory on if it was his idea to have Axtilla hand her off. I know they were discussing it, I was expecting her to have him hand her off... but the details are fuzzy. And your chapter numbering structure means I can't easily look back. They show up out of order. So I'll just figure I'm right and guess it's supposed to be a surprise that he doesn't agree to what he planned. Probably doesn't want to make it look like he's eager, I figure.
Turtle.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2015
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I wasn't sure what the surprise was... [Well, Glnot did mention the flowers and the fruit bowl. But he had told Doctrex earlier he would make the arrangements for the bath and I assumed the reader would figure the clean sheets and the water pitcher and glass were part of the overall surprise.
squeegee off what had gathered in the puffiness below his eyes. [You know, I think you?re right on this. I also had a kind of literal ?flash? when I wrote it imagining today?s squeegees. I should listen to my own ?flashes?. I?ll probably choose ?wipe?.
if it was his idea to have Axtilla hand her off. [It was his idea. He told her, when Glnot had left to get Bips, that she needed to convince him that she wanted Doctrex to give her away. She even asked what that meant and he explained it was common where he (Viktor in the previous life) had come from.
My mouth* still held the taste of the last slice of orongos, and my wipe my mouth*. (noticed the very slight echo)
[Agree a hundred percent. Since both mouth and lips were used, I decided to stop the sentence with ?I reached for a cloth napkin.? It was strongly enough implied what he was getting it for.
Thank you, Turtle, for all these suggestions. I'll have to take a close look at Chiel's instability. I'll have to compare it with a later scene though where his emotions get the better of him and Bips looks a little concerned.
Comment from Dashjianta
Things are starting to shift in Doctrex's favour with his learning about Chiel's people's movement and Axtilla playing along by asking he give her away. Sensible of him to refuse to avoid rousing Glnot's suspicion. Though, at the moment, it's all very vague hope, until they can come together and find a way to use their resources to oppose Glnot.
I did feel like something was missing though--possibly a touch of tension, making things feel too easy. Nothing big--just, perhaps, the sound of footsteps/a door banging outside when he's talking to Chiel to give a moment's fear of discovery, or a flash of panic at the start of the scene when Glnot speaks to Doctrex, when Doctrex can wonder if Glnot's there because he found out about Chiel or Bip. Something that keeps the danger close to the surface and brings the larger environment into play.
Suggestions:
"But ..(.)?"
still clung to his lashes, and made another pass
--delete comma
he said, flatly.
-no comma?
I had a deep knowing he wasn't finished.
--Is there anything that gives him this knowing? A look or stance you could describe?
'The Three Musketeers'(,) 'All for one and one for all'
--Not sure on this, but it feels like there should be some sort of punctuation here.
until he can spot the five-pointed star
--Are socks a rarity? Just wondering, as it'd make the tattoo hard to spot if they're not.
I took it to the wall where I could more easily read it under the torchlight. I tilted it to get the best light and read:
--Maybe change "I tilted..." to ", tilting it..." to make into one sentence and avoid the repeated "I".
"I trust I didn't wake you, brother?"
--Might just be me, but the transition here seems a little abrupt, with nothing to introduce the speaker until he says 'brother'. Maybe add a new opening line to set the scene? Or, go back to the previous scene and add a line at the end to show Doctrex getting ready for bed?
Rhuether seemed to get caught up in the grandness of his generosity.
--How so? Is there a physical indication to show this, or just the words?
and are grown only in the mountains of Kroley, but quite prolifically there
--Do you need 'there' at the end?
Then, I lifted the orongos to my nose in both hands,
--delete commas?
I looked down and closed my eyes. I clasped my fingers together and pressed them to my lips.
--Join these two sentences with a comma to eliminate the repeated "I"?
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2015
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Things are starting to shift in Doctrex's favour with his learning about Chiel's people's movement and Axtilla playing along by asking he give her away. Sensible of him to refuse to avoid rousing Glnot's suspicion. Though, at the moment, it's all very vague hope, until they can come together and find a way to use their resources to oppose Glnot.
I did feel like something was missing though--possibly a touch of tension, making things feel too easy. Nothing big--just, perhaps, the sound of footsteps/a door banging outside when he's talking to Chiel to give a moment's fear of discovery, or a flash of panic at the start of the scene when Glnot speaks to Doctrex, when Doctrex can wonder if Glnot's there because he found out about Chiel or Bip. Something that keeps the danger close to the surface and brings the larger environment into play.
Suggestions:
"But ..(.)?"
still clung to his lashes, and made another pass
--delete comma
he said, flatly.
-no comma?
I had a deep knowing he wasn't finished.
--Is there anything that gives him this knowing? A look or stance you could describe?
'The Three Musketeers'(,) 'All for one and one for all'
--Not sure on this, but it feels like there should be some sort of punctuation here.
until he can spot the five-pointed star
--Are socks a rarity? Just wondering, as it'd make the tattoo hard to spot if they're not.
I took it to the wall where I could more easily read it under the torchlight. I tilted it to get the best light and read:
--Maybe change "I tilted..." to ", tilting it..." to make into one sentence and avoid the repeated "I".
"I trust I didn't wake you, brother?"
--Might just be me, but the transition here seems a little abrupt, with nothing to introduce the speaker until he says 'brother'. Maybe add a new opening line to set the scene? Or, go back to the previous scene and add a line at the end to show Doctrex getting ready for bed?
Rhuether seemed to get caught up in the grandness of his generosity.
--How so? Is there a physical indication to show this, or just the words?
and are grown only in the mountains of Kroley, but quite prolifically there
--Do you need 'there' at the end?
Then, I lifted the orongos to my nose in both hands,
--delete commas?
I looked down and closed my eyes. I clasped my fingers together and pressed them to my lips.
--Join these two sentences with a comma to eliminate the repeated "I"?
Comment Written 30-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2015
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Thanks, Alex, for a complete review. I made almost all the changes you suggested. The part about the socks have me flummoxed. I don't know why I didn't think of that! I suppose I should at least have him pull his socks down. In the final edit I may locate it someplace entirely different. Leg won't work because of the hair. Any ideas?
I wanted to tell you not to worry about putting question marks by all suggested changes. I do that if I'm not too sure about the sensitivity of the writer, but I think we both know our suggestions are subject to override, but neither of us is that sensitive to criticism.
So ... thanks again, my friend, and have a happy and published New Year.
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The only places I can think of are the back of the hand or the cheek, and the cheek seems too obvious. Inside of the wrist, maybe? Though in cold weather that may be covered most of the time too.
I'll try to remember about not using so many question marks--it's habit mostly, though also some uncertainty on my part.
Happy new year to you too!
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I need you to understand I don't mind the question marks. I just feel they are unnecessary for us to use them. I could use the middle knuckle instead of the ankle bone and branch out from that. i might do that, but I'll do it in the final edit. Again, thanks, Alex.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
I enjoyed the symbolism and meaning behind those dots! Very creative. You also created the mood between the two men very well, I think. Made me crave a mandarin orange too. LOL!
Couple of little things:
"Chiel," I said, "(i)s everyone so moved by those words?"
"Why not just tell me, brother(?)" - this sounds like it needs a question mark, maybe?
Well done, Jay.
Av
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2015
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I enjoyed the symbolism and meaning behind those dots! Very creative. You also created the mood between the two men very well, I think. Made me crave a mandarin orange too. LOL!
Couple of little things:
"Chiel," I said, "(i)s everyone so moved by those words?"
"Why not just tell me, brother(?)" - this sounds like it needs a question mark, maybe?
Well done, Jay.
Av
Comment Written 29-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2015
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Thank you, Av. I took care of both those nits. I'm tickled you are enjoying this so much.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Very nice work! I am enjoying your tale. Please consider the following.
'As I pulled a piece of it away from the flesh a fine mist sprayed out and Rhuether's nostrils flared and he smiled.' I believe you have an introductory clause ending in 'flesh' which would need and comma. This is followed by three complete sentences which would need two commas or you could substitute and with as and only use one comma. Ex: Rhuether's nostrils flared as he smiled.
As a final insult she wants you to give her away to me." Another intro clause, comma after insult.
Best wishes to you! Your friend,
Russell
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2015
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Very nice work! I am enjoying your tale. Please consider the following.
'As I pulled a piece of it away from the flesh a fine mist sprayed out and Rhuether's nostrils flared and he smiled.' I believe you have an introductory clause ending in 'flesh' which would need and comma. This is followed by three complete sentences which would need two commas or you could substitute and with as and only use one comma. Ex: Rhuether's nostrils flared as he smiled.
As a final insult she wants you to give her away to me." Another intro clause, comma after insult.
Best wishes to you! Your friend,
Russell
Comment Written 29-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2015
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Thank you so much, Russell. I'm surprised I missed commas after those introductory phrases. I'll look into the other two commas. Hope you'll continue to read.
Comment from robyn corum
A nice chapter, adding to the story's development. I liked the symbolism/marks of the rebellion movement and thought you were VERY creative there. Especially in finding the dots in the letter. (Which showed up awkwardly in this post, btw. Off-center and unconnected? Was that intentional?)
I feel more at home with the story now. Looking forward to more.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2015
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A nice chapter, adding to the story's development. I liked the symbolism/marks of the rebellion movement and thought you were VERY creative there. Especially in finding the dots in the letter. (Which showed up awkwardly in this post, btw. Off-center and unconnected? Was that intentional?)
I feel more at home with the story now. Looking forward to more.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2015
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No, the letter was not supposed to show off center. I tried to make it like a letter with the indentation, but having the letter in the center of the screen. Things just went crazy. I should pull it all to the left alignment.
Comment from country ranch writer
sounds like the brother is not wanting to turn the girl over to his brother so he will have to think of another way to get the girl he wants
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2015
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sounds like the brother is not wanting to turn the girl over to his brother so he will have to think of another way to get the girl he wants
Comment Written 29-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2015
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Thanks for reading, BJ. I hope you're enjoying it.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay I enjoy giving you 6 stars for this chapter
I will say it again you have a natural talent knowing how to make your words draw a readers full attention especially -
He looked away and the words left his throat and lips with a kind of raspy cry, "I will," and he turned back to me. "It's Axtilla," he said, and he took in a breath. "When we had the dinner, I had hoped she would soften, and give up her--her--"
( are you saying give Axtilla up to Doctrex?
Gert
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Hello Jay I enjoy giving you 6 stars for this chapter
I will say it again you have a natural talent knowing how to make your words draw a readers full attention especially -
He looked away and the words left his throat and lips with a kind of raspy cry, "I will," and he turned back to me. "It's Axtilla," he said, and he took in a breath. "When we had the dinner, I had hoped she would soften, and give up her--her--"
( are you saying give Axtilla up to Doctrex?
Gert
Comment Written 28-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Glnot was hoping Axtilla would give up her antagonism of Doctrex. Thanks, Gert, for the six star rating.
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Hi Jay Thank you for making that part to me clear.
Gert
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
"Yes. The Ankle."
"Ah, the ankle," (Should ankle be capitalized or lower-case both places?)
Great chapter, my friend. Good description and detail of the salute and ankle tattoo. Pretty brave of a prisoner to say no. I'm looking forward to reading the response to that in the next chapter. Have a good day~Debbie
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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"Yes. The Ankle."
"Ah, the ankle," (Should ankle be capitalized or lower-case both places?)
Great chapter, my friend. Good description and detail of the salute and ankle tattoo. Pretty brave of a prisoner to say no. I'm looking forward to reading the response to that in the next chapter. Have a good day~Debbie
Comment Written 28-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Thank you, Debbie first for reading and secondly for your sharp eye. I went back and corrected that. I'm glad you are enjoying this story. Have a happy New Year.