THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "An Unexpected Alliance"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
42 total reviews
Comment from Sis Cat
Insurgents. Wow, Doctrex got a shock when he heard that he was their leader. I enjoyed the conversation between Chiel and him. It engaged my imagination and moved the story forward and deeper. I just saw the new Star Wars movie yesterday. Your story reminded me of a fantasy, science fiction epic with many twists and turns.
Now I am caught up with my reading. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2015
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Insurgents. Wow, Doctrex got a shock when he heard that he was their leader. I enjoyed the conversation between Chiel and him. It engaged my imagination and moved the story forward and deeper. I just saw the new Star Wars movie yesterday. Your story reminded me of a fantasy, science fiction epic with many twists and turns.
Now I am caught up with my reading. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2015
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Thanks, Andre. Yep, gotta have the insurgents. I'm glad you are enjoying the ride on this one.
Comment from barkingdog
Ha--I knew Chiel was Glnot's adversary. He's the frickin' head of the rebel army. Wow, what a home run for Doctrex.
Now, to talk to Axtilla and somehow organize the overthrow!
Loved the cautious back and forth conversation until Chiel admitted who he was.
Merry Christmas Eve, Jay!
:) ellen xx
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2015
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Ha--I knew Chiel was Glnot's adversary. He's the frickin' head of the rebel army. Wow, what a home run for Doctrex.
Now, to talk to Axtilla and somehow organize the overthrow!
Loved the cautious back and forth conversation until Chiel admitted who he was.
Merry Christmas Eve, Jay!
:) ellen xx
Comment Written 24-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2015
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Many thanks, Ellen. I'm not surprised you weren't surprised. You have that sneaky kinda mind, LOL. Thanks for reading and being so encouraging.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Excellent post, Jay. Until the very end, I didn't spot anything I'd change - well, maybe a little bit of trimming here and there, but that's my opinion rather than a critique. A strong command of the dialogue, handling the delicacy of the 'meeting' very diplomatically. Cleverly done.
The only thing I suggest you look at is the response:
"You are, sir ... now."
It doesn't match the question and so sounds a bit odd to me. "You have, sir, just moments ago." matches it, or maybe "You're looking at him" or some such thing.
BUT it's truly a minor thing.
Happy Christmas to you and yours, Jay, and all the best in 2016
Av
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2015
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Excellent post, Jay. Until the very end, I didn't spot anything I'd change - well, maybe a little bit of trimming here and there, but that's my opinion rather than a critique. A strong command of the dialogue, handling the delicacy of the 'meeting' very diplomatically. Cleverly done.
The only thing I suggest you look at is the response:
"You are, sir ... now."
It doesn't match the question and so sounds a bit odd to me. "You have, sir, just moments ago." matches it, or maybe "You're looking at him" or some such thing.
BUT it's truly a minor thing.
Happy Christmas to you and yours, Jay, and all the best in 2016
Av
Comment Written 22-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2015
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I will definitely look that over, Av. Thanks for pointing it out. I was trying to avoid the classic takes and come up with something different, but if the question is "hello?" and the response "goodbye", I need to spend some time on the process. I appreciate the six, Ave. Merry Christmas to you as well!
Comment from Writingfundimension
Wow, you took me completely off guard with that ending, Jay. So, we can now see that Doctrex is in the position of having allies within and without the 'court'. I wonder if Axtilla knows about them? I'm guessing she does.
As always, excellent writing.
Merry Christmas,
Bev
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2015
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Wow, you took me completely off guard with that ending, Jay. So, we can now see that Doctrex is in the position of having allies within and without the 'court'. I wonder if Axtilla knows about them? I'm guessing she does.
As always, excellent writing.
Merry Christmas,
Bev
Comment Written 22-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2015
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Merry Christmas to you, too, Bev. I've already got my gift with the six. Thank you so much. I'm happy the chapter pleased you.
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You're welcome, Jay. :)
Comment from amahra
"Slivers of glass glinted in the light of the.." [loved the alliteration with: glass and glinted]
"Sir, I--I can't--I'm not at liberty to ..." his words dissolved in a series of
shrugs.[love this image.]
But you had another reason to come here. ["...had another reason for coming here?] [Okay, I'm being picky]
"You are, sir ... now.[Nice visual ending]
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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"Slivers of glass glinted in the light of the.." [loved the alliteration with: glass and glinted]
"Sir, I--I can't--I'm not at liberty to ..." his words dissolved in a series of
shrugs.[love this image.]
But you had another reason to come here. ["...had another reason for coming here?] [Okay, I'm being picky]
"You are, sir ... now.[Nice visual ending]
Comment Written 21-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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Ah, thanks, Ama. So glad you enjoyed. And that wasn't at all picky. I think I may just change it. I really appreciate you.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Every time I see "Chiel" I want to correct it. LOL To me "Bip" is a child's behavior improvement plan. I need to take a break. I am still in teacher mode. Not at all good, but I did enjoy reading your post.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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Every time I see "Chiel" I want to correct it. LOL To me "Bip" is a child's behavior improvement plan. I need to take a break. I am still in teacher mode. Not at all good, but I did enjoy reading your post.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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I've never heard of the Bip thing. Chiel kinda grows on you, though. Thanks for reading, Barbara.
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I guess BIP is a teacher thing.
Comment from Dashjianta
Another glimmer of hope through Chiel and his connection to those ready to revolt. Good detail with Doctrex noting the broken glass and stain at the start, and his observation of Chiel as they talk helps give some insight into Chiel's character. Question now, is how strong a position are Chiel and co. in? Will they prove useful, or are they more talk and than action?
Suggestions:
I had witnessed Chiel's pride when he first entered the room. It was in his bearing.
--Is there any way to combine these sentences so you lose the 'it was'?
Oh, I'm sorry(,) General Doctrex, sir.
I thought you had returned to your room(,) so I brought
--Would he say 'you had' or 'you'd'?
holding a deep-sided pan from either end.
--Possibly just me, but I stumbled over this at first. The 'at either end' had me picturing something large enough to need someone at each end, which doesn't work with one person carrying it. Perhaps he could be holding the handles on either side to avoid the possible confusion?
He instructed the young man to go back to the kitchen and he'd come for him later.
--Being picky: "he'd come for him later" is more an explanation than instruction. Perhaps add 'said' before it?
I don't see one who's paralyzed by your fear of him.
--Delete 'your'?
"What? ... what? ... well, of the Kabeezan army."
--Not sure if the double 'what?' works or not. Chiel strikes me as someone who's quite alert and knowledgeable.
The shock of my words forced a giggle out of Chiel
--Was Zarbs not prone to giggling, too? Just double checking, in case their traits are too similar.
"Sir," he said, haltingly, "W-why
--Do you need 'haltingly'? Isn't it shown in the stutter?
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2015
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Another glimmer of hope through Chiel and his connection to those ready to revolt. Good detail with Doctrex noting the broken glass and stain at the start, and his observation of Chiel as they talk helps give some insight into Chiel's character. Question now, is how strong a position are Chiel and co. in? Will they prove useful, or are they more talk and than action?
Suggestions:
I had witnessed Chiel's pride when he first entered the room. It was in his bearing.
--Is there any way to combine these sentences so you lose the 'it was'?
Oh, I'm sorry(,) General Doctrex, sir.
I thought you had returned to your room(,) so I brought
--Would he say 'you had' or 'you'd'?
holding a deep-sided pan from either end.
--Possibly just me, but I stumbled over this at first. The 'at either end' had me picturing something large enough to need someone at each end, which doesn't work with one person carrying it. Perhaps he could be holding the handles on either side to avoid the possible confusion?
He instructed the young man to go back to the kitchen and he'd come for him later.
--Being picky: "he'd come for him later" is more an explanation than instruction. Perhaps add 'said' before it?
I don't see one who's paralyzed by your fear of him.
--Delete 'your'?
"What? ... what? ... well, of the Kabeezan army."
--Not sure if the double 'what?' works or not. Chiel strikes me as someone who's quite alert and knowledgeable.
The shock of my words forced a giggle out of Chiel
--Was Zarbs not prone to giggling, too? Just double checking, in case their traits are too similar.
"Sir," he said, haltingly, "W-why
--Do you need 'haltingly'? Isn't it shown in the stutter?
Comment Written 21-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2015
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Hey, Alex, thanks for your as-always-expected- insightful review. I agree on every one of the points you made and made the changes. The giggling, I'll have to go back and see if I co-mingled traits.
Thanks again for doing such a great job.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Jay Squires,
Here I find you again!
Impressive wording; nice description of scenes and situations.
Smooth and captivating flow, particularly in the last three-fourth portion leading to the end motivating for the next part.
On the whole, Interesting.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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Hello Jay Squires,
Here I find you again!
Impressive wording; nice description of scenes and situations.
Smooth and captivating flow, particularly in the last three-fourth portion leading to the end motivating for the next part.
On the whole, Interesting.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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Many thanks, RP. So happy you enjoyed reading this.
Comment from Robert Louis Fox
I like the way the complications are evolving for Doctrex. And you are bringing in the motivations of others to also complicate Doctrex's choices.
I am seeing that Doctrex, though he seems to be a thinker, is actually ruled by his heart--by his instincts and urges.
Good interaction with the chef--a lot of revelations and then a real kicker for a cliffhanger. Good work!
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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I like the way the complications are evolving for Doctrex. And you are bringing in the motivations of others to also complicate Doctrex's choices.
I am seeing that Doctrex, though he seems to be a thinker, is actually ruled by his heart--by his instincts and urges.
Good interaction with the chef--a lot of revelations and then a real kicker for a cliffhanger. Good work!
Comment Written 21-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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Many thanks, BobFox. Your reactions mean a lot to me. Thanks for reading deeply and reacting intelligently and honestly.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
I love the ending. That was a surprise. Well written as always, my friend. You probably fixed this already, but just in case:
himover to where I sat (space after him)
Take care, Jay~Debbie
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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I love the ending. That was a surprise. Well written as always, my friend. You probably fixed this already, but just in case:
himover to where I sat (space after him)
Take care, Jay~Debbie
Comment Written 21-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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THanks so much for reading this, Debbie. YOU are special to me here. I wonder if you read this on Classic or the New FanStory. I checked Classic and there is a space after "him". At any rate, I'm thrilled you're still reading this.
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I downloaded this as soon as you posted it, but didn't review it until today. It is correct now on both. I still prefer Classic Fanstory despite the new warning they have added to it. Have a good day, my friend~Debbie
