THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "I Want Doctrex To Give Me Away"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
34 total reviews
Comment from Gloria ....
First thing I want to mention is your artwork is really sharp looking on this chapter. Very impressive indeed. It shows up really good in the new and improved FanStory.
You've captured the essence of brandy perfectly. It's warmth does spread into the chest.
Well dear Jay, this is exceptional writing. I haven't followed your book in its entirety so it's difficult to offer anything much more than, WOW, this man can really, really write.
Super job.
Gloria
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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First thing I want to mention is your artwork is really sharp looking on this chapter. Very impressive indeed. It shows up really good in the new and improved FanStory.
You've captured the essence of brandy perfectly. It's warmth does spread into the chest.
Well dear Jay, this is exceptional writing. I haven't followed your book in its entirety so it's difficult to offer anything much more than, WOW, this man can really, really write.
Super job.
Gloria
Comment Written 15-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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Hey, Gloria. Yes, I love that picture. Straight from Google images. Oh, you are so sweet about this man's writing. I'm hoping to get started on your Tarot reading tomorrow. People are posting more than usual after Tuesday.
Comment from lancellot
A great chapter. I am wondering if Glnot didn't somehow have the room bugged or had a way of hearing. I think you have something up your magical sleeve.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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A great chapter. I am wondering if Glnot didn't somehow have the room bugged or had a way of hearing. I think you have something up your magical sleeve.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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A lot up these sleeves, LAnce. You don't have to give me sixes, though I love them. It's just nice to know you are interested.
Comment from William Ross
very well written definitely holds you in, captures your attention, wants you keep reading more. Great job on the writing the story i'll have to catch up with.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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very well written definitely holds you in, captures your attention, wants you keep reading more. Great job on the writing the story i'll have to catch up with.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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THAnks, William. Glad you are reading this. Please come back frequently.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Very nice work! This being the first chapter I've reviewed, it is hard to grade your work as a whole. I believe you have well thought out characters and a complex plot. I find it intriguing and want to get to know them better. All the best to you.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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Very nice work! This being the first chapter I've reviewed, it is hard to grade your work as a whole. I believe you have well thought out characters and a complex plot. I find it intriguing and want to get to know them better. All the best to you.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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Many thanks, Russell. I'm glad you are reading this. It's the last of a trilogy that's been going on for years. Glad to have you aboard.
Comment from CEO2020
I'm an aspiring author who just completed my first novel. I joined the site to receive reviews of my work before I begin seeking an agent. I also joined to read the work of other authors and I've found many styles of prose. Your writing style is intense. I can feel the emotions of the characters leaving the page. Interesting story here.
Happy Holidays
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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I'm an aspiring author who just completed my first novel. I joined the site to receive reviews of my work before I begin seeking an agent. I also joined to read the work of other authors and I've found many styles of prose. Your writing style is intense. I can feel the emotions of the characters leaving the page. Interesting story here.
Happy Holidays
Comment Written 15-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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So glad you enjoyed reading this, my friend. PLease come back often.
Comment from boxergirl
Great job, Jay, with building the continuation of tension in the story. I like the use of dramatic irony when the reader knows that Doctrex and Axtilla are playing Rheuther. But can they continue to do so? :-)
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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Great job, Jay, with building the continuation of tension in the story. I like the use of dramatic irony when the reader knows that Doctrex and Axtilla are playing Rheuther. But can they continue to do so? :-)
Comment Written 14-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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Well, now that they have actually talked there is less irony, I would think. But other things are opening up. Thanks, as always, for being here for me, Karen.
Comment from robyn corum
1.) enjoy our brandy without a toast," (he said) and then turned his smile to
--> otherwise, we don't REALLY know who's speaking/or it seems something is missing - though it may just be MEEEEE! hahaha
An interesting chapter. I'm afraid that I didn't understand a lot of it, obviously because of coming in late (again!) but I'm trying! *smile* Sooner or later, I've got to catch up!
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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1.) enjoy our brandy without a toast," (he said) and then turned his smile to
--> otherwise, we don't REALLY know who's speaking/or it seems something is missing - though it may just be MEEEEE! hahaha
An interesting chapter. I'm afraid that I didn't understand a lot of it, obviously because of coming in late (again!) but I'm trying! *smile* Sooner or later, I've got to catch up!
Comment Written 14-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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I added that "he said". Thanks for pointing it out. And, importantly, thanks for reading even when it may not make sense. Soon it will start.
Comment from alvina224224
Another intriguing episode, Jay. You are creating vivid images, and building an expectancy within the reader. The tension is growing, as the reader tries to drag every inference from what each character is saying or doing. Well written, friend.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2015
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Another intriguing episode, Jay. You are creating vivid images, and building an expectancy within the reader. The tension is growing, as the reader tries to drag every inference from what each character is saying or doing. Well written, friend.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2015
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YOU are so thoughtful, kind and generous with your rating, Alvina. I'm thrilled you are taking away so much from this novel.
Comment from Dashjianta
Nice, brief chat between Doctrex and Axtilla. I'm glad they got a chance to talk. Will be interesting to see if the plan works out. Curious signal from Bip, too. Has me wondering what he was trying to convey. Doctrex is seeming more confident than when he first woke up, like he's starting to get a real feel for how to handle Glnot.
Suggestions:
without a toast," (he said?) and then turned
and then turned my head
--This is the third 'and then' following a 'said/told him'. Probably not an issue, but thought I'd mention it in case you wanted to vary things.
She refused to look at me.
--Put this is a new para as you change subject?
He left, and when he was out of earshot, nearly to the door,
--Who's nearly to the door? I presumed from 'he left' Glnot was already through the door. Or is there a second door, past the first?
with a (the?) start of a grin
She nodded, and glanced at the door as well.
--Delete comma.
Add to that mix, the fact that this evening didn't seem to go over as he'd envisioned.
--Delete comma?
he brought his right palm across his body and laid it on his left chest and he slowly curled in all but the index finger.
--Delete first 'and' and last 'he' for a better flow?
hen he brought that in, leaving his fist(,) which he tapped against his chest.
Whatever battles (were?) going on inside Rhuether
he said, and then his lips pressed
--Another 'and then'. Don't know why they're sticking out at me today.
While I spoke, Rhuether's impatience grew. His eyes darted here and there. His mouth opened and closed.
--Not sure if this should be in a new para or not, as you're focusing on Glnot's actions.
those that were your special powers.(")
--I presume from the 'Brother' that Glnot says the next line.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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Nice, brief chat between Doctrex and Axtilla. I'm glad they got a chance to talk. Will be interesting to see if the plan works out. Curious signal from Bip, too. Has me wondering what he was trying to convey. Doctrex is seeming more confident than when he first woke up, like he's starting to get a real feel for how to handle Glnot.
Suggestions:
without a toast," (he said?) and then turned
and then turned my head
--This is the third 'and then' following a 'said/told him'. Probably not an issue, but thought I'd mention it in case you wanted to vary things.
She refused to look at me.
--Put this is a new para as you change subject?
He left, and when he was out of earshot, nearly to the door,
--Who's nearly to the door? I presumed from 'he left' Glnot was already through the door. Or is there a second door, past the first?
with a (the?) start of a grin
She nodded, and glanced at the door as well.
--Delete comma.
Add to that mix, the fact that this evening didn't seem to go over as he'd envisioned.
--Delete comma?
he brought his right palm across his body and laid it on his left chest and he slowly curled in all but the index finger.
--Delete first 'and' and last 'he' for a better flow?
hen he brought that in, leaving his fist(,) which he tapped against his chest.
Whatever battles (were?) going on inside Rhuether
he said, and then his lips pressed
--Another 'and then'. Don't know why they're sticking out at me today.
While I spoke, Rhuether's impatience grew. His eyes darted here and there. His mouth opened and closed.
--Not sure if this should be in a new para or not, as you're focusing on Glnot's actions.
those that were your special powers.(")
--I presume from the 'Brother' that Glnot says the next line.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
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Alex, I'm going to have to ask your forgiveness on this, but I had to paste it into my folder along with two more of my hyper-scrutinizers (high compliment) until I have a breathing space so I can go over each point. I don't want to leave this on my queue un answered. I hope that is satisfactory to you.
Comment from Fridayauthor
Good to be back although I have a lot to pick up. I like your summary and find it very helpful.
Good descriptions and especially nice dialog.
Just to show I can still be picky, I don't like "almost reflexively. Perhaps,"He jerked his eyes to my hand,a reflex. It was not proper to touch the Almighty Master.
Good job!
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2015
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Good to be back although I have a lot to pick up. I like your summary and find it very helpful.
Good descriptions and especially nice dialog.
Just to show I can still be picky, I don't like "almost reflexively. Perhaps,"He jerked his eyes to my hand,a reflex. It was not proper to touch the Almighty Master.
Good job!
Comment Written 14-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2015
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I was thinking of sending you a DM to see where the heck you were. good to have you back. "almost reflexively" huh? I do like your fix for it. Would have to use an EM dash after hand instead of a comma, but I like it.
