THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "The Grimy Truth & a Pound of Guilt"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Jay,
I read through this chapter of the Trining, I enjoyed it. I thought the lore aspect of the brothers captured my attention, I found myself curious to see how these two come to sorts, if Glnot will behead his lore brother, or if they will figure out a way to combine their powers... if it would be a good thing for Doctrex to even do, as Glnot doesn't seem exactly the most stable of sorts. Normally I would have a few extra things to say, but I'm officially overwhelmed, (and my original review got deleted) I didn't see anything that ground my read to a halt, though, so the flow and descriptions continue to be clear.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2015
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Hi, Jay,
I read through this chapter of the Trining, I enjoyed it. I thought the lore aspect of the brothers captured my attention, I found myself curious to see how these two come to sorts, if Glnot will behead his lore brother, or if they will figure out a way to combine their powers... if it would be a good thing for Doctrex to even do, as Glnot doesn't seem exactly the most stable of sorts. Normally I would have a few extra things to say, but I'm officially overwhelmed, (and my original review got deleted) I didn't see anything that ground my read to a halt, though, so the flow and descriptions continue to be clear.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2015
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Oh, how frustrating when a review gets lost. Thanks for reading it though and I hope you get over your overwhelm.
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Thanks, Jay, It doesn't happen often. I'm hoping to catch up with all my chores and be able to slow back down.
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Thanks, Jay, It doesn't happen often. I'm hoping to catch up with all my chores and be able to slow back down.
Comment from barkingdog
This is very exciting. I can't wait to hear Doctrex's plan. After he reminds Ruether of their individual magic, once combined being stronger, could they somehow join again?
Loved the background on them as conjoined twins.
:) e
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2015
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This is very exciting. I can't wait to hear Doctrex's plan. After he reminds Ruether of their individual magic, once combined being stronger, could they somehow join again?
Loved the background on them as conjoined twins.
:) e
Comment Written 28-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2015
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Ellen, thank you for your generous comments. The next section will post this evening. I'm kind of happy with it.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Jay Squires,
It's a wonderful piece of Fantasy Fiction beautifully depicting the role / power of Physical Magic, Mental Magic and their mutual cooperation.
Wording is simple as well as impressive.
Smooth and captivating flow from the beginning to the end and worth reading in one sitting. It's the main quality of a writing/composition.
The description of situations and use of simile - "Yes," scraped from a throat as dry as an autumn leaf' - is particularly noteworthy.
Interesting indeed!
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2015
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Hello Jay Squires,
It's a wonderful piece of Fantasy Fiction beautifully depicting the role / power of Physical Magic, Mental Magic and their mutual cooperation.
Wording is simple as well as impressive.
Smooth and captivating flow from the beginning to the end and worth reading in one sitting. It's the main quality of a writing/composition.
The description of situations and use of simile - "Yes," scraped from a throat as dry as an autumn leaf' - is particularly noteworthy.
Interesting indeed!
Comment Written 27-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2015
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Bless you, RP, for your kind words of enthusiastic support and your generous rating. I hope this means you'll be sticking around for some more of "The Trining".
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Hi Jay,
Most Welcome and Thanks for your lovely words!
~RP.
Comment from madhatter1977
I think from what I've read this is an excellent fantasy or fantasy/myth you're creating. The detail and characters are very well written and I didn't find the character list at the bottom distracting, rather more informative. You have an amazing imagination for this style of writing. Keep it up and best wishes, Pete :)
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2015
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I think from what I've read this is an excellent fantasy or fantasy/myth you're creating. The detail and characters are very well written and I didn't find the character list at the bottom distracting, rather more informative. You have an amazing imagination for this style of writing. Keep it up and best wishes, Pete :)
Comment Written 27-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2015
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Thank you so much, Pete, for taking a chance with this. And your 6 star rating will keep my glow on throughout the night.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. Another fine chapter in your book, my friend. Great imagery and dialogue throughout:
" The muscles around his closed eyes tightened to a wince. His lips converted to a thin, tight line. After a moment he sighed. "Yes," scraped from a throat as dry as an autumn leaf, and then he sniffed and looked up at me."
And: "He took in a noisy breath through his nose. "Go on."
Suggestions: (In your previous notes you use the pronouns "he" and "I" repeatedly....I suggest you use proper names somewhere in there as reminders for continuing readers and clear identification for new readers)
"I took a chance. "That it almost killed you?" (You don't need to say "I took a chance, I don't believe. Readers are smart...they'll get it)
And: "His head made a tiny nodding...etc ((I would use the word "small" rather than "tiny" here.)
Bravo! Good job, Jay. Bob
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Hi, Jay. Another fine chapter in your book, my friend. Great imagery and dialogue throughout:
" The muscles around his closed eyes tightened to a wince. His lips converted to a thin, tight line. After a moment he sighed. "Yes," scraped from a throat as dry as an autumn leaf, and then he sniffed and looked up at me."
And: "He took in a noisy breath through his nose. "Go on."
Suggestions: (In your previous notes you use the pronouns "he" and "I" repeatedly....I suggest you use proper names somewhere in there as reminders for continuing readers and clear identification for new readers)
"I took a chance. "That it almost killed you?" (You don't need to say "I took a chance, I don't believe. Readers are smart...they'll get it)
And: "His head made a tiny nodding...etc ((I would use the word "small" rather than "tiny" here.)
Bravo! Good job, Jay. Bob
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thanks for your support, Bob. I'll take a close look at your suggestions. The problem with changing the "he", "she" to proper names is in the way it's posted on FS. If it weren't a chopped up chapter, it would be understood by previous reference, and the proper names would seem overkill. I'll look it over, though. You are the master at tight writing, so I always take your suggestions very seriously.
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Merely a suggestion. I suggest you read it over in that part and pretend you are a new reader. :) Bob
Comment from Writingfundimension
'As long as they both lived as conjoined, they needed to share their powers. They had to learn the strength that lay in loving cooperation.' What an elegant myth, Jay.
'Then, even while suffering excruciating pain, Rheuther carved his dead brother from his side and threw him over the cave opening to the sea.' A chilling action so very well described.
This is one of the best chapters of this novel in my opinion, Jay. Of course, I'm biased as I love mythology of all types. Wish I had a six left for this.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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'As long as they both lived as conjoined, they needed to share their powers. They had to learn the strength that lay in loving cooperation.' What an elegant myth, Jay.
'Then, even while suffering excruciating pain, Rheuther carved his dead brother from his side and threw him over the cave opening to the sea.' A chilling action so very well described.
This is one of the best chapters of this novel in my opinion, Jay. Of course, I'm biased as I love mythology of all types. Wish I had a six left for this.
:) Bev
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Your words were a seven, Bev. I'm so blessed having you reading my novel. Thank you.
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Aw, you're very welcome, Jay. :)
Comment from Shirley McLain
Nice chapter that I enjoyed reading. I think I'm just a little confused about the two characters. Is Doctrex pretending to be the others brother? You did a good job. I didn't see any spag. Shirley
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Nice chapter that I enjoyed reading. I think I'm just a little confused about the two characters. Is Doctrex pretending to be the others brother? You did a good job. I didn't see any spag. Shirley
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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You and I know without a doubt who we are. All the evidence proves that Doctrex is unequivocally Pondria, but does not have that personal inner-belief he is Pondria. But, that said, if he wants to live and destroy Rhuether (that the prophecy says he and Axtilla must do), he must make Rhuether believe that he accepts his sibling status. Clear as mud, right. Thanks for reading. Hope you continue on with it.
Comment from Dashjianta
Good place to put in the recap about the myth, given how long it's been since Arval told it to him. And then to have Doctrex use the myth to make a connection with Glnot adds a glimmer of hope, plus a question mark over where Doctrex might go with it. Plus there's the impression that one wrong word will result in death, which adds to the tension.
There's a section, near the start, though, where I sensed (forgive me if I'm reading more into this than's there) you weren't fully confident with what you were writing. In the paragraph starting "I arrived at a crucial moment in the dialogue.", you seemed to be telling too much, as though you felt like you needed to explain what you were showing, because you weren't 100% happy with what you were trying to show. (I've gone into detail in the suggestions). Is there something about it that's bothering you? (I know you sometimes have Doctrex tell what he's doing, but this feels like more than that somehow.)
Suggestions (apologies in advance if I pick up too much comma stuff. I've become a bit obsessed by them, as you know.):
--You've got the last section of the previous chapter posted twice.
Removing a handkerchief from his blouse pocket, he folded it into a square, pressed it to the socket of one eye, turned it to the dry side(,) and pressed it to the other.
--Missing Oxford comma at the end of your list of actions. I'm half-regretting my decision to put them all in, in Jared, but thought I'd point it out. I won't point them all out, just wanted to draw your attention in case you wanted to put them in.
After another few minutes(,) he lifted his chin to face me, but left his eyes closed.
--Add the comma, because the initial part of the sentence is setting the scene by placing it in time (technically its an Introductory Adverbial Clause or Phrase). Also, delete the comma before 'but' because the two parts of the sentence aren't independent clauses. 'but's work the same way as 'and's in that respect--both halves of the sentence have the same 'he' as the subject, so no comma needed.
lowered (his) chin to chest.
I arrived at a crucial moment in the dialogue.
--I want to put a 'had' in after 'I'. Something feels off without it, but I can't say what.
My mind raced to remember the...AND... I reviewed the myth, generally:
--Do you need both of these in the same paragraph? You're essentially telling the reader Doctrex is thinking twice. The first, I think, you could get away with, but the second feels like too much. Also, with the first, you could look at showing his racing mind by saying what he's thinking instead. eg "Glnot had to be thinking of the Myth of the Conjoined Twins. Arval Breenz had recited..."
What did the seer, in the myth, tell Pondria's and Rhuether's mother?
--You don't need the commas here, as knowing the seer is from the myth is important to the reader's understanding. You only need to use commas in this way if you're separating out non-vital added information. (Unless you want the pause in rhythm, of course, but I think in this case it makes the sentence stutter.)
Shunned by the other gods, and fearful (that(,)) when Draal returned from the Far North to claim her in marriage,
--I don't like recommending adding 'that' but in this case I think it needs it to flow properly. Plus, I've suggested the added comma because "fearful when Draal returned from the Far North to claim her in marriage" is an additional piece of information added to the sentence. To check if you've got the commas in the right place, take out the part in commas and see if it still makes sense. In this case "Shunned by the other gods, and fearful (that)... he [Draal] would kill the twins...". Or, if you don't have a pair of commas, ask yourself why not, just in case you've missed one.
As her twins, named Glnot Rhuether and Pondria, grew to manhood, and she realized they were
--Delete the 'and'? You could then join this sentence to the next with the 'and' instead, and eliminate the 'she' from "She returned to"
she realized they were of an age (where?) they wouldn't enjoy living in the cave
In answer to her plea(,) he told her he could not remove the curse
--Introductory phrase.
Each would receive a different magical power, but through patient cooperation,
--This is a subjective one but, technically, there should be a comma after 'but' (take out the bit between commas as it is and "Each would receive a different magical power...their combined magical powers would rival the gods." doesn't work). However, there are people who argue that, as this is fiction, the comma after 'but' should be omitted for better flow. Personally, I disagree, as I read the pause in the sentence whether the comma's there or not.
"As long as they both lived as conjoined, they needed to share their powers. They had to learn the strength that lay in loving cooperation."
--Why is this bit inside speech marks and not the rest of what Arval said? Or is it the italics which have strayed? I don't think you need to use italics for what follows as the reader already knows they're following Doctrex's thoughts.
He could fly through the air, provide ample food for Glnot and his mother and himself with an abundance of fish, and fruits and vegetables from who knew where.
--I'm getting a little lost in all the ands, and I think it's because the comma after "He could fly through the air" implies there's going to be a third ability when there's only two. So, first, break things down into a lost of actions: flying and feeding. So, as there's only two, join them together with an 'and', plus no comma as there's only one subject (Glnot): "He could fly through the air and provide ample food for..." Then you have the first of two lists. "Glnot and his mother and himself ". Here, because you have two lists in the one sentence, I would avoid the use of extra ands, and include the oxford comma to avoid the two lists getting muddled together, so you'd have: Glnot, his mother, and himself ." Then you have the second list "an abundance of fish, and fruits and vegetables" This one will depend on how you intend it to come across. If you want fruits and vegetables to be one item I THINK it's correct as it, but if that's not your intention, delete the first 'and' plus add a comma before the second one, so the whole sentence will read:
He could fly through the air and provide ample food for Glnot, his mother, and himself with an abundance of fish, fruits, and vegetables from who knew where.
(Hopefully that's got a smoother flow.)
Of course(,) he travelled everywhere Pondria directed.
--'Of course' spearted by the comma as it's additional observation.
alter their dreams and guide, or bedevil, them with visions.
--is guiding them a separate ability from altering their dreams, if so, I suggest putting in the comma to make it clear. Also, the guiding/bedevilling sound like flip sides of the same thing, so you could take the comma away there, giving you: alter their dreams, and guide or bedevil them with visions.
(Depends on how on whether you want 'or bedevil' to come across as an added detail or not.)
He secured a dagger, keeping it hidden from him, and(,) when Pondria slept,
--Do you need 'from him'?
he flew away to the Far North Province, where--Pondria's waning powers gone--Rhuether (he) plunged into a snow bank.
--I think you can tell which 'he' you mean without needing to repeat Rhuether's name.
If they chose to let their souls slowly ripen to a fullness of cooperation(,) their combined powers would have rivaled the gods.
--an aside: rivalled is spelt with one l in the US?
His lips converted to a thin, tight line.
--I'm not sure about 'converted' here. Maybe 'compressed'?
After a moment(,) he sighed.
"Yes," scraped from a throat as dry as an autumn leaf
--I like this. Good description.
I smiled, but left him only his own words to reflect on.
--No comma here. It would need to be 'but I left him...' to be an independent clause, yes?
Rhuether'd been capable of mythic madness. He proved that.
--This might work better if you move the 'had' so the danger of the madness remains in the present. "Rhuether WAS capable of mythic madness. He'D proved that. '
He laid the fingertips of one hand over his moustache and lips and lightly tapped. He affirmed his conclusion with several small nods, removed his fingers from his lips and said,
--Consider combining this into one, to avoid the double 'He did...'. So you get "He laid the fingertips of one hand over his moustache and lips and lightly tapped, affirmed his conclusion with several small nods, removed his fingers from his lips, and said,"
(I wish I had better advice for this, but it's the main part of my own writing I don't know how to fix. Assuming it needs fixed...it might be an non-issue only I see because I've been noticing it so much in my own edits.) Also, is 'affirmed his conclusion' telling the reader something they should infer for themselves?
Sure, I could have your head lopped off.
--Is 'sure' too modern a thing for Glnot to say in this way? I'm not sure, but it stuck out for me.
Still(,) I kept coming back to the same thing:
--It's how I hear it. I have no better explanation for suggesting adding it in.
I took a slow, even inhale, and leaned toward him.
--No comma before the 'and'. Only two actions (inhaling and leaning) and second part isn't independent.
but, did you come to avenge my murder?"
--Considering changing to 'your murder' as it can imply Glnot was murdered, rather than the murderer. Unless it's intentional, which the reply suggests it might be.
"(He)he gave us each magic?
--and no ? at the end, as Doctrex is telling Glnot the answer to the previous question?
"I wanted to fly(,) and make the sky rain fishes, and the sea flame.
--or take the comma that's already there out if he's speaking fast.
(")The seer said he couldn't remove the original curse, but he could help us endure being joined as we were by giving us magic."
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Good place to put in the recap about the myth, given how long it's been since Arval told it to him. And then to have Doctrex use the myth to make a connection with Glnot adds a glimmer of hope, plus a question mark over where Doctrex might go with it. Plus there's the impression that one wrong word will result in death, which adds to the tension.
There's a section, near the start, though, where I sensed (forgive me if I'm reading more into this than's there) you weren't fully confident with what you were writing. In the paragraph starting "I arrived at a crucial moment in the dialogue.", you seemed to be telling too much, as though you felt like you needed to explain what you were showing, because you weren't 100% happy with what you were trying to show. (I've gone into detail in the suggestions). Is there something about it that's bothering you? (I know you sometimes have Doctrex tell what he's doing, but this feels like more than that somehow.)
Suggestions (apologies in advance if I pick up too much comma stuff. I've become a bit obsessed by them, as you know.):
--You've got the last section of the previous chapter posted twice.
Removing a handkerchief from his blouse pocket, he folded it into a square, pressed it to the socket of one eye, turned it to the dry side(,) and pressed it to the other.
--Missing Oxford comma at the end of your list of actions. I'm half-regretting my decision to put them all in, in Jared, but thought I'd point it out. I won't point them all out, just wanted to draw your attention in case you wanted to put them in.
After another few minutes(,) he lifted his chin to face me, but left his eyes closed.
--Add the comma, because the initial part of the sentence is setting the scene by placing it in time (technically its an Introductory Adverbial Clause or Phrase). Also, delete the comma before 'but' because the two parts of the sentence aren't independent clauses. 'but's work the same way as 'and's in that respect--both halves of the sentence have the same 'he' as the subject, so no comma needed.
lowered (his) chin to chest.
I arrived at a crucial moment in the dialogue.
--I want to put a 'had' in after 'I'. Something feels off without it, but I can't say what.
My mind raced to remember the...AND... I reviewed the myth, generally:
--Do you need both of these in the same paragraph? You're essentially telling the reader Doctrex is thinking twice. The first, I think, you could get away with, but the second feels like too much. Also, with the first, you could look at showing his racing mind by saying what he's thinking instead. eg "Glnot had to be thinking of the Myth of the Conjoined Twins. Arval Breenz had recited..."
What did the seer, in the myth, tell Pondria's and Rhuether's mother?
--You don't need the commas here, as knowing the seer is from the myth is important to the reader's understanding. You only need to use commas in this way if you're separating out non-vital added information. (Unless you want the pause in rhythm, of course, but I think in this case it makes the sentence stutter.)
Shunned by the other gods, and fearful (that(,)) when Draal returned from the Far North to claim her in marriage,
--I don't like recommending adding 'that' but in this case I think it needs it to flow properly. Plus, I've suggested the added comma because "fearful when Draal returned from the Far North to claim her in marriage" is an additional piece of information added to the sentence. To check if you've got the commas in the right place, take out the part in commas and see if it still makes sense. In this case "Shunned by the other gods, and fearful (that)... he [Draal] would kill the twins...". Or, if you don't have a pair of commas, ask yourself why not, just in case you've missed one.
As her twins, named Glnot Rhuether and Pondria, grew to manhood, and she realized they were
--Delete the 'and'? You could then join this sentence to the next with the 'and' instead, and eliminate the 'she' from "She returned to"
she realized they were of an age (where?) they wouldn't enjoy living in the cave
In answer to her plea(,) he told her he could not remove the curse
--Introductory phrase.
Each would receive a different magical power, but through patient cooperation,
--This is a subjective one but, technically, there should be a comma after 'but' (take out the bit between commas as it is and "Each would receive a different magical power...their combined magical powers would rival the gods." doesn't work). However, there are people who argue that, as this is fiction, the comma after 'but' should be omitted for better flow. Personally, I disagree, as I read the pause in the sentence whether the comma's there or not.
"As long as they both lived as conjoined, they needed to share their powers. They had to learn the strength that lay in loving cooperation."
--Why is this bit inside speech marks and not the rest of what Arval said? Or is it the italics which have strayed? I don't think you need to use italics for what follows as the reader already knows they're following Doctrex's thoughts.
He could fly through the air, provide ample food for Glnot and his mother and himself with an abundance of fish, and fruits and vegetables from who knew where.
--I'm getting a little lost in all the ands, and I think it's because the comma after "He could fly through the air" implies there's going to be a third ability when there's only two. So, first, break things down into a lost of actions: flying and feeding. So, as there's only two, join them together with an 'and', plus no comma as there's only one subject (Glnot): "He could fly through the air and provide ample food for..." Then you have the first of two lists. "Glnot and his mother and himself ". Here, because you have two lists in the one sentence, I would avoid the use of extra ands, and include the oxford comma to avoid the two lists getting muddled together, so you'd have: Glnot, his mother, and himself ." Then you have the second list "an abundance of fish, and fruits and vegetables" This one will depend on how you intend it to come across. If you want fruits and vegetables to be one item I THINK it's correct as it, but if that's not your intention, delete the first 'and' plus add a comma before the second one, so the whole sentence will read:
He could fly through the air and provide ample food for Glnot, his mother, and himself with an abundance of fish, fruits, and vegetables from who knew where.
(Hopefully that's got a smoother flow.)
Of course(,) he travelled everywhere Pondria directed.
--'Of course' spearted by the comma as it's additional observation.
alter their dreams and guide, or bedevil, them with visions.
--is guiding them a separate ability from altering their dreams, if so, I suggest putting in the comma to make it clear. Also, the guiding/bedevilling sound like flip sides of the same thing, so you could take the comma away there, giving you: alter their dreams, and guide or bedevil them with visions.
(Depends on how on whether you want 'or bedevil' to come across as an added detail or not.)
He secured a dagger, keeping it hidden from him, and(,) when Pondria slept,
--Do you need 'from him'?
he flew away to the Far North Province, where--Pondria's waning powers gone--Rhuether (he) plunged into a snow bank.
--I think you can tell which 'he' you mean without needing to repeat Rhuether's name.
If they chose to let their souls slowly ripen to a fullness of cooperation(,) their combined powers would have rivaled the gods.
--an aside: rivalled is spelt with one l in the US?
His lips converted to a thin, tight line.
--I'm not sure about 'converted' here. Maybe 'compressed'?
After a moment(,) he sighed.
"Yes," scraped from a throat as dry as an autumn leaf
--I like this. Good description.
I smiled, but left him only his own words to reflect on.
--No comma here. It would need to be 'but I left him...' to be an independent clause, yes?
Rhuether'd been capable of mythic madness. He proved that.
--This might work better if you move the 'had' so the danger of the madness remains in the present. "Rhuether WAS capable of mythic madness. He'D proved that. '
He laid the fingertips of one hand over his moustache and lips and lightly tapped. He affirmed his conclusion with several small nods, removed his fingers from his lips and said,
--Consider combining this into one, to avoid the double 'He did...'. So you get "He laid the fingertips of one hand over his moustache and lips and lightly tapped, affirmed his conclusion with several small nods, removed his fingers from his lips, and said,"
(I wish I had better advice for this, but it's the main part of my own writing I don't know how to fix. Assuming it needs fixed...it might be an non-issue only I see because I've been noticing it so much in my own edits.) Also, is 'affirmed his conclusion' telling the reader something they should infer for themselves?
Sure, I could have your head lopped off.
--Is 'sure' too modern a thing for Glnot to say in this way? I'm not sure, but it stuck out for me.
Still(,) I kept coming back to the same thing:
--It's how I hear it. I have no better explanation for suggesting adding it in.
I took a slow, even inhale, and leaned toward him.
--No comma before the 'and'. Only two actions (inhaling and leaning) and second part isn't independent.
but, did you come to avenge my murder?"
--Considering changing to 'your murder' as it can imply Glnot was murdered, rather than the murderer. Unless it's intentional, which the reply suggests it might be.
"(He)he gave us each magic?
--and no ? at the end, as Doctrex is telling Glnot the answer to the previous question?
"I wanted to fly(,) and make the sky rain fishes, and the sea flame.
--or take the comma that's already there out if he's speaking fast.
(")The seer said he couldn't remove the original curse, but he could help us endure being joined as we were by giving us magic."
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Hahaha. You do know this is two paragraphs longer than the chapter? Just kidding, and I feel so privileged to have your comments. I'm forced to just glance through it, making corrections of gross errors, and leaving suggestions to a post-promotion edit.
But, I REALLY want you to know my gratefulness.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
(You've displayed the last chapter's finishing lines twice??)
This is an amazing chapter - the story of the twins especially fascinating
Jealous of his twin brother, Rheuther stabbed him to death. Yikes! Then he carved him from his side - what agonizing pain!!
closed them again and lowered chin to chest. - is this deliberate or have you left out "his"?
As her twins, named Glnot Rhuether and Pondria, grew to manhood, [and] she realized they were of an age they wouldn't enjoy living in the cave above the sea. - read this over and over, and think you need to lose "and"
I really enjoyed this, Jay - deserving of a six (while I still have one)
Margaret
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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(You've displayed the last chapter's finishing lines twice??)
This is an amazing chapter - the story of the twins especially fascinating
Jealous of his twin brother, Rheuther stabbed him to death. Yikes! Then he carved him from his side - what agonizing pain!!
closed them again and lowered chin to chest. - is this deliberate or have you left out "his"?
As her twins, named Glnot Rhuether and Pondria, grew to manhood, [and] she realized they were of an age they wouldn't enjoy living in the cave above the sea. - read this over and over, and think you need to lose "and"
I really enjoyed this, Jay - deserving of a six (while I still have one)
Margaret
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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How could that possibly have happened? Yet it's there, plain as day. I took care of it. As well as removing the "and" while adding "where" between "age" and "they".
Thank you so much for the six, Margaret. Are you well again???
Comment from krprice
Another excellent chapter.
While Doctrex might not be Pondria, he is willing to use the myth to manipulate Ghlot and get him to keep him alive and work together. Look forward to see more, as always.
Karlene
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Another excellent chapter.
While Doctrex might not be Pondria, he is willing to use the myth to manipulate Ghlot and get him to keep him alive and work together. Look forward to see more, as always.
Karlene
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Bless you, Karlene. I'm thrilled you are enjoying this.