THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Eclipse of the Silver-Caned Rhuether"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
26 total reviews
Comment from June Estep Fiorelli
I loved the description of the ceremony with the heavy stamping, and the giant who filled the doorway and presented Rhuether. Good job.
Since I was unable to read the first chapters, I can only assume that some torches were already lit prior to the ceremony. If that's correct, it might help to mention that, maybe something about bothered by the dim light and now pleased to have the wall ones lit. Just a thought.
Sometimes I have trouble with your tags...or the lack, thereof. It's only momentary, but it does interrupt the flow. An example comes when the giant calls out "The Almighty Master" the second time. then two paragraphs down you start with HE.
At first I didn't know if the HE was the giant or Rhuether. The reader can figure it out quickly, but shouldn't have to do the work.
In that same area, maybe delete probably from, "I knew I should probably stand up."
(Once again, I'm Strunking you. " Avoid qualifiers, the leeches that infest the pond of prose, sucking the blood of words."
Just call me picky!
I love the sparing between them. You're so good at that! June
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2015
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I loved the description of the ceremony with the heavy stamping, and the giant who filled the doorway and presented Rhuether. Good job.
Since I was unable to read the first chapters, I can only assume that some torches were already lit prior to the ceremony. If that's correct, it might help to mention that, maybe something about bothered by the dim light and now pleased to have the wall ones lit. Just a thought.
Sometimes I have trouble with your tags...or the lack, thereof. It's only momentary, but it does interrupt the flow. An example comes when the giant calls out "The Almighty Master" the second time. then two paragraphs down you start with HE.
At first I didn't know if the HE was the giant or Rhuether. The reader can figure it out quickly, but shouldn't have to do the work.
In that same area, maybe delete probably from, "I knew I should probably stand up."
(Once again, I'm Strunking you. " Avoid qualifiers, the leeches that infest the pond of prose, sucking the blood of words."
Just call me picky!
I love the sparing between them. You're so good at that! June
Comment Written 17-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2015
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Thank you, June, in so many ways. For the six, hurrah! For critting it since it was the 26th, which gives it the ATB status. I know--numbers ... but as a former salesman I have a hard time getting away from them. And finally, thanks for your suggestions. All good. I'll have to let you and strunk swat me for keeping "probably" in that sentence. If you read it without it it's just a statement of practicality. With it there's that touch of irony that Doctrex is known for. Once again ... thanks, June. You da bomb!
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OK I'll let you win on probably, since you called me da bomb. I'm honored.
June
Comment from Naham Mills
Captivating and very imaginative. Highly original piece of work. I would love to see the finished version of your book.
It needs to be published!
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2015
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Captivating and very imaginative. Highly original piece of work. I would love to see the finished version of your book.
It needs to be published!
Comment Written 15-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2015
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What a compliment, Naham. Now If I could only convince an Editor. This is the third book in the Trilogy. I hope to publish them individually. A Boxed Set would look nice on the mantle, though.
Comment from redrocklover
This is a captivating story. One of the things I liked best was how smoothly the dialogue between the characters flowed. And the ending certainly left me wondering what was up with Rhuether. I'm looking forward to reading future excerpts.
Linda
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2015
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This is a captivating story. One of the things I liked best was how smoothly the dialogue between the characters flowed. And the ending certainly left me wondering what was up with Rhuether. I'm looking forward to reading future excerpts.
Linda
Comment Written 14-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2015
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Thanks, Linda. I'm happy you enjoyed this and are looking forward to the future chapters. Welcome aboard.
Comment from Fridayauthor
Nice to hear from these folks again but I have a lot of catching up to do.
Nicely written, as usual.
Just some picks to get back in shape.
"Finally getting the torches lit on the wall near the door pleased me, though how it came about seemed bizarre."
This sentence confused me as it sounds like he got the torches lit, but then he would know how he did it, wouldn't he? How about... "the torches were alight on the wall, though..." (Perhaps this was explained earlier and I missed it.
...in a face that sustained scars and pocks...
...in a face that had sustained scars and pocks...
...or,in a face painted with scars and pocks...
...or, in a face that contained scars and pocks...
...Then, as though homing in on the fact I offered no perceived threat,
...Then, perceiving I offered no threat,...
Thanks!
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2015
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Nice to hear from these folks again but I have a lot of catching up to do.
Nicely written, as usual.
Just some picks to get back in shape.
"Finally getting the torches lit on the wall near the door pleased me, though how it came about seemed bizarre."
This sentence confused me as it sounds like he got the torches lit, but then he would know how he did it, wouldn't he? How about... "the torches were alight on the wall, though..." (Perhaps this was explained earlier and I missed it.
...in a face that sustained scars and pocks...
...in a face that had sustained scars and pocks...
...or,in a face painted with scars and pocks...
...or, in a face that contained scars and pocks...
...Then, as though homing in on the fact I offered no perceived threat,
...Then, perceiving I offered no threat,...
Thanks!
Comment Written 14-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2015
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Thanks for your perceptive read, ray. I made the first one immediately. Funny I assumed the reader wouldn't think HE lit the torches. The second one I changed as well. The third one, I'm still thinking about. I really appreciate your input.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Jay. A really excellent chapter, here. The verbal bantering between Doctrex and Glnot was the highlight for me. Both men are highly intelligent and tuned the other's weaknesses. And, yet, there's a sense for me that Glnot is speaking to Doctrex more as an equal than a prisoner, which I find intriguing.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2015
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Hi, Jay. A really excellent chapter, here. The verbal bantering between Doctrex and Glnot was the highlight for me. Both men are highly intelligent and tuned the other's weaknesses. And, yet, there's a sense for me that Glnot is speaking to Doctrex more as an equal than a prisoner, which I find intriguing.
:) Bev
Comment Written 14-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2015
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All that you so perceptively point out, will be fully explained later. Thanks for your close read.
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You're welcome, Jay.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Jay, I read through this chapter, I have been for a couple days, but everytime I seem to get into details, something seems to get in the way. I enjoyed the dialogue and remember the torch ceremony, and really thought the ending brought curiosity and intrigue,
about the palace looking for a place to bathe[,] without addressing the matter to
(not sure, but my gut paused at the comma)
I felt the urge to applaud, or yell "bravo!", but knew neither was appropriate.
(A good detailed account of the torch lighting ceremony. It is an image that I saw and will be imbedded, though I don't know why. (scenery is the hardest for me to process and retain, and certain actions fall away on me as I look for information that I need for later, but I saw this and I wondered about the meaning, I like that there is a ... dismissiveness/ flippant sort of humor within Doctrex, but also a respectfulness even in the face of being a prisoner. The act seems overindulgent, yet he doesn't tease.)
crossbow he held in his right hand looked like a child's toy.
(my impression from the description, one serious mo-fo you don't want to tango with)
I made mental note of it. (as did I because he did)
I knew I should probably stand.
(remember that hubris you were reflecting on there earlier, Doctrex.... (that's what I thought when I read this... wonder if he'll stand)
Entering the room, he side-stepped to his left.
(is this considered the subordinating style? Not sure but : After entering the room? Otherwise he could be entering sideways, which is weird, and then he's just standing in front of the door facing Doctrex's left..
asked, breathless from the exertion, but keeping his full grin on me.
(You do a very good job of teasing the reader at times,.... dangling the question long enough before providing an answer. That takes some storytelling timing skills and I appreciate the anticipation in learning bits of answers. I took this to mean that Somehow, Doctrex's wound transferred itself to Glnot. That could pose problematic for Glnot if he were to cut of a head, and later find his head having the wound of it. Not sure if that's what happened, but It was curious that the wound disappeared, and I'm glad it is being addressed again.)
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2015
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Hi Jay, I read through this chapter, I have been for a couple days, but everytime I seem to get into details, something seems to get in the way. I enjoyed the dialogue and remember the torch ceremony, and really thought the ending brought curiosity and intrigue,
about the palace looking for a place to bathe[,] without addressing the matter to
(not sure, but my gut paused at the comma)
I felt the urge to applaud, or yell "bravo!", but knew neither was appropriate.
(A good detailed account of the torch lighting ceremony. It is an image that I saw and will be imbedded, though I don't know why. (scenery is the hardest for me to process and retain, and certain actions fall away on me as I look for information that I need for later, but I saw this and I wondered about the meaning, I like that there is a ... dismissiveness/ flippant sort of humor within Doctrex, but also a respectfulness even in the face of being a prisoner. The act seems overindulgent, yet he doesn't tease.)
crossbow he held in his right hand looked like a child's toy.
(my impression from the description, one serious mo-fo you don't want to tango with)
I made mental note of it. (as did I because he did)
I knew I should probably stand.
(remember that hubris you were reflecting on there earlier, Doctrex.... (that's what I thought when I read this... wonder if he'll stand)
Entering the room, he side-stepped to his left.
(is this considered the subordinating style? Not sure but : After entering the room? Otherwise he could be entering sideways, which is weird, and then he's just standing in front of the door facing Doctrex's left..
asked, breathless from the exertion, but keeping his full grin on me.
(You do a very good job of teasing the reader at times,.... dangling the question long enough before providing an answer. That takes some storytelling timing skills and I appreciate the anticipation in learning bits of answers. I took this to mean that Somehow, Doctrex's wound transferred itself to Glnot. That could pose problematic for Glnot if he were to cut of a head, and later find his head having the wound of it. Not sure if that's what happened, but It was curious that the wound disappeared, and I'm glad it is being addressed again.)
Comment Written 13-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2015
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Thanks, Turtle, for your usual very close read with the delightful rolling commentary. I changed that line about the giant entering the room. "He entered the room and then he side-stepped to his left." I believe that's how I did it.
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Suggest killing the second "he"....
He entered the room and then sidestepped to his left.
My kindle says sidestepped is one word...
Comment from chasennov
The Grand Entrance. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. Eclipse of the Silver-Caned Rhuether.' This is also an excellent return of your well managed series, Jay. I enjoy your narrative, as well as your foreign dialogue. This story could well have been developed around the galaxies. Well done.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2015
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The Grand Entrance. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. Eclipse of the Silver-Caned Rhuether.' This is also an excellent return of your well managed series, Jay. I enjoy your narrative, as well as your foreign dialogue. This story could well have been developed around the galaxies. Well done.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2015
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Thank you, Chase. Glad it resonates with you.
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You are always most welcome, Jay.
Comment from krprice
The only negative comment I have is to reconsider using the word 'knew.' IE: I knew he wanted me to stand. Since you're in his POV, it's obvious he knew.
Excellent chapter, as always.
Karlene
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2015
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The only negative comment I have is to reconsider using the word 'knew.' IE: I knew he wanted me to stand. Since you're in his POV, it's obvious he knew.
Excellent chapter, as always.
Karlene
Comment Written 13-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2015
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I do understand what you're saying, Karlene. It takes a while to bang it into this old head. That said, there are sometimes when "I knew" gives the necessary emphasis. It would mean the same as "I felt he wanted me to stand," just as you would say, "I just knew he wanted me to stand." To simply say "he wanted me to stand" I am getting into the mind of another character. Of course that is a more dangerous breach.
However I do know I am guilty of misuse many, many times.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
You have an incredible mind, Jay,to think up such an amazing plot.The wound idea transferring from one or the other like that is extraordinary.I enjoy the interchanges between these two main characters. Giddy
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2015
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You have an incredible mind, Jay,to think up such an amazing plot.The wound idea transferring from one or the other like that is extraordinary.I enjoy the interchanges between these two main characters. Giddy
Comment Written 12-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2015
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Thank you so much, Giddy. No, I don't have an incredible mind (though I thank you for thinking so), I just grab on to the characters and let them drag me along while I report it. At least that's the feeling I have. I had only a general idea for the plot and nothing that turned out was in the first construct. It evolved with the characters. I hope that makes some crazy kind of sense. Again, thanks for reading and your loyalty.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Jay I'm have no need to go into detail about grammar etc.
I'm not very qualified for such
The way I felt when I heard the tense and negative attitude between Docterx and the Almighty Master -- makes me wonder if the mighty one is playing cat and mouse with
Docterx ( the General?)
Gert
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2015
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Jay I'm have no need to go into detail about grammar etc.
I'm not very qualified for such
The way I felt when I heard the tense and negative attitude between Docterx and the Almighty Master -- makes me wonder if the mighty one is playing cat and mouse with
Docterx ( the General?)
Gert
Comment Written 12-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2015
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Definitely cat and mouse. You know I remember writing this before and I remember you answering it ... but here it is again. Weird.
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I don't understand what made it repeat taht thought?
Gert
