THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "All Spruced Up For an Execution?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
30 total reviews
Comment from June Estep Fiorelli
I like Corl, too.
I realize there's a lot of background information in this chapter, so it isn't as tense as the others. However, it moves along well, and a writer does have to take time to put in the shading.
Corl gives us the touch of humor we need, but isn't he also scared to death? There's a band of sweat once, but perhaps you can add an action or two showing fear ...like a glance toward the door...contrasting to his half smile.
Also, I'm noticing the more frequent use of the "terrible twenty"...(the verb to be) in this chapter. For example in the paragraph beginning "I pushed off...." in the sentence ending "...Zarbs would have given him." Strunk and White would not be happy. I suggest something like, "He knew exactly where they were; no doubt Zarbs reported that immediately." ...but you can word it better.
Just some thoughts. Liking the genre more than I thought. June
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2015
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I like Corl, too.
I realize there's a lot of background information in this chapter, so it isn't as tense as the others. However, it moves along well, and a writer does have to take time to put in the shading.
Corl gives us the touch of humor we need, but isn't he also scared to death? There's a band of sweat once, but perhaps you can add an action or two showing fear ...like a glance toward the door...contrasting to his half smile.
Also, I'm noticing the more frequent use of the "terrible twenty"...(the verb to be) in this chapter. For example in the paragraph beginning "I pushed off...." in the sentence ending "...Zarbs would have given him." Strunk and White would not be happy. I suggest something like, "He knew exactly where they were; no doubt Zarbs reported that immediately." ...but you can word it better.
Just some thoughts. Liking the genre more than I thought. June
Comment Written 08-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2015
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This is another one of those answers I know I made. You didn't get my respone? Actually I thanked you (and do again) for pointing out my over-use of the "to be" verb. I conscientiously try to deal with them before I post. I put all the varieties of "to be" in find/replace and study each one closely. I pulled out my "Elements of Style" yesterday to review. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. Dang git, writing's hard!
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I sent my review, but got no acknowledgement that it was sent. And, if you sent an earlier reply, I didn't get that....Soooo, since I thought it hadn't been sent, I hit "Edit this review" so I could send it again. It is not the first time a review hasn't been noted. Sorry if you were inundated.
You can now shake your Strunk and White finger at me for "...hadn't been sent".
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I hope Strunk and White will allow for a few "To Be's" among friends. Or is it "Not to be"?
Comment from OLA THOMAS
This is another steaming chapter, addition to previous ones. I love your writing style, keeps me glued to the page always. Good job, man/
ola thomas
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2015
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This is another steaming chapter, addition to previous ones. I love your writing style, keeps me glued to the page always. Good job, man/
ola thomas
Comment Written 08-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2015
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Many thanks, Ola. I didn't know you enjoyed my fantasy. Glad to have you reading it. I just appreciate YOU!
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
evil Eddy is at work for you too. I could not get my last post the way I wanted it to be. He seems to be stuck on stupid right now. Having some trouble concentrating, but reading what I know from good writers. Take care, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2015
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evil Eddy is at work for you too. I could not get my last post the way I wanted it to be. He seems to be stuck on stupid right now. Having some trouble concentrating, but reading what I know from good writers. Take care, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 07-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2015
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THank you, Debbie. Glad you found this worthwhile. Hope your concentration improves.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Once again you have a wonderful post and addition to your novel. I can't wait to see what else you do with this novel. You always surprise me.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2015
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Once again you have a wonderful post and addition to your novel. I can't wait to see what else you do with this novel. You always surprise me.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2015
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THanks you, Barbara, for your wonderful comments. You are appreciated.
Comment from Writingfundimension
'He'd not have gone to the trouble if the only thing showing at the end of the spike would be my head.'
Great start to the chapter, Jay.
I have some anxiety about this whole need to be dressed a certain way. I hope it's not a portent of something unpleasant for Doctrex.
I'm kind of on the fence about the need for italics with the following:
Ach! So many ifs, unlesses and assumings!
Not sure it adds to the impact, but that's up to you to decide.
Excellent writing, as always.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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'He'd not have gone to the trouble if the only thing showing at the end of the spike would be my head.'
Great start to the chapter, Jay.
I have some anxiety about this whole need to be dressed a certain way. I hope it's not a portent of something unpleasant for Doctrex.
I'm kind of on the fence about the need for italics with the following:
Ach! So many ifs, unlesses and assumings!
Not sure it adds to the impact, but that's up to you to decide.
Excellent writing, as always.
:) Bev
Comment Written 07-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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I do try not to overuse Italics in thought. I'll take a closer look at that. Thanks for your input and for your kind words.
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You're welcome, Jay.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Very nice chapter that I enjoyed reading. You do a very good job with your writing. I am looking forward to reading more of the story. Shirley
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Very nice chapter that I enjoyed reading. You do a very good job with your writing. I am looking forward to reading more of the story. Shirley
Comment Written 07-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Glad you enjoyed it, Shirley. I think you have a special interest in FAntasy, do you not? I really appreciate the six stars.
Comment from amahra
What! When you stopped posting this story. I thought it had ended and I had missed the ending. The writing is good as always, but now I'm lost and have forgotten some stuff. Sorry, Jay. My fault.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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What! When you stopped posting this story. I thought it had ended and I had missed the ending. The writing is good as always, but now I'm lost and have forgotten some stuff. Sorry, Jay. My fault.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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No, it didn't end. I had to rewrite what had been destroyed in the crash and my great depression. I had a devil of a time getting back into it, but now I have a head of steam.
Comment from Sis Cat
I do not trust those clothes. I fear they are poisoned or Doctrex is being dressed for execution of sacrifice. The interaction between him and Corl is cautious, suspicious. Corl is hiding something and Doctrex is probing for information. This chapter came alive for me watching and listening to the two spar and avoid. The details are vivid, too, for example, "a thin band of sweat glistened at his hair line like a slipped halo."
For this chapter, I did something different that I have not done before. I read it out loud. The words sounded odd to my tongue and I had to pace myself and breathe at the appropriate times. I tripped over the pronunciation of fantasy names. All in all, I grasped the story more from reading it out loud than by reading it silently in my head, because the eye has a tendency to skim over words. When I read it out loud, the story deepens.
Thank you for sharing your compelling writing.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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I do not trust those clothes. I fear they are poisoned or Doctrex is being dressed for execution of sacrifice. The interaction between him and Corl is cautious, suspicious. Corl is hiding something and Doctrex is probing for information. This chapter came alive for me watching and listening to the two spar and avoid. The details are vivid, too, for example, "a thin band of sweat glistened at his hair line like a slipped halo."
For this chapter, I did something different that I have not done before. I read it out loud. The words sounded odd to my tongue and I had to pace myself and breathe at the appropriate times. I tripped over the pronunciation of fantasy names. All in all, I grasped the story more from reading it out loud than by reading it silently in my head, because the eye has a tendency to skim over words. When I read it out loud, the story deepens.
Thank you for sharing your compelling writing.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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THank you, Andre, for taking the extra time with this. I agree, reading aloud, if not better, it does stress some elements not noticed when read silently. But it sure takes a lot longer. You are such an asset to me, my friend.
Comment from krprice
Another good chapter. Wonder why Ghnot had new clothes made for Doctorex? For his execution? Doesn't make sense or is it to watch Ghnot wed Axtilla? Questions, nothing but questions.
Karlene
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Another good chapter. Wonder why Ghnot had new clothes made for Doctorex? For his execution? Doesn't make sense or is it to watch Ghnot wed Axtilla? Questions, nothing but questions.
Karlene
Comment Written 06-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Oh, Karlene, how observant you are! Give the novel a few more chapters and it'll turn on its head. Thanks for reading and enjoying.
Comment from ciliverde
Excellent writing, as always. The dialogue is especially engaging, and Corl is a very interesting character. One has to wonder, considering the title of this chapter, exactly what is in store for Doctrex. I wonder if he will find some use for that cord? I look forward to learning more in the next chapter, although I suspect more mystery may be introduced :)
Carol
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Excellent writing, as always. The dialogue is especially engaging, and Corl is a very interesting character. One has to wonder, considering the title of this chapter, exactly what is in store for Doctrex. I wonder if he will find some use for that cord? I look forward to learning more in the next chapter, although I suspect more mystery may be introduced :)
Carol
Comment Written 06-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
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Thank you so much, Carol. Glad to have you reading this and offering your unique slant. Much more change coming in a few chapters.