THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Could This Be Magic?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from Walter L. Jones
We are on a roll magic is it, or perhaps results, and as the path leads, so is the reality of the writer, and I an observer smile and keep the mind going on fire, I just enjoy the whole of the write, Walt
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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We are on a roll magic is it, or perhaps results, and as the path leads, so is the reality of the writer, and I an observer smile and keep the mind going on fire, I just enjoy the whole of the write, Walt
Comment Written 24-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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Once again, you've outdone yourself with your generosity, Walt. Thanks for the six, my friend.
Comment from Sis Cat
Surreal. One does not know what is real or narcotic. I love the unsettling tone.
The generous final paragraphs of the previous chapter not only caught me up on your story, but helped me appreciate the quality of your writing, which is vivid, imaginative, and stark.
Was Percy and narcotic dream? Was the net real or imagined? The reader is kept guessing. The healing at the end makes me wonder if Percy was real.
No spags. Just clean prose.
This has been an engaging fantasy read. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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Surreal. One does not know what is real or narcotic. I love the unsettling tone.
The generous final paragraphs of the previous chapter not only caught me up on your story, but helped me appreciate the quality of your writing, which is vivid, imaginative, and stark.
Was Percy and narcotic dream? Was the net real or imagined? The reader is kept guessing. The healing at the end makes me wonder if Percy was real.
No spags. Just clean prose.
This has been an engaging fantasy read. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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Thank you, Andre. I'm so happy this was a good experience for you. BTW, I'm going to start including a comprehensive Character List that should prove helpful NOT JUST FOR new readers but also those who were regulars before the 9 or 10 month hiatus.
Comment from CelticSkye
I enjoyed this very much. It sucked me in immediately and now I want to go back and start at the beginning.
Very well written and flows very well so its very easy to read.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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I enjoyed this very much. It sucked me in immediately and now I want to go back and start at the beginning.
Very well written and flows very well so its very easy to read.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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Thank you for reading, CelticSkye. Glad you enjoyed and the characters would love you to go back and see what made them do what they did.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jay, I believe I have missed a chapter or two but what I read I really liked. It is so well written as per usual. I will go back and read the previous missed chapters and give you a more justifiable review on the following one. All the best. Ulla
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Hi Jay, I believe I have missed a chapter or two but what I read I really liked. It is so well written as per usual. I will go back and read the previous missed chapters and give you a more justifiable review on the following one. All the best. Ulla
Comment Written 01-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Oh, you are so sweet, Ulla. Yes, I don't think you'll get the full impact of this chapter without the previous two. BTW, I'm going to start including a comprehensive Character List that should prove helpful NOT JUST FOR new readers but also those who were regulars before the 9 or 10 month hiatus.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Jay, I read through this chapter. Very easy chapter to read, Sums up movement to the next chapter nicely, and explains the previous chapter with the narcotic lenses off. I went with six stars cause there was a moment when I forgot I was reviewing. When I was leaning over to see what the doctor was flabbering for.
scorching pain.--?"General Doctrex?"
(Not sure about that emdash here)
recognized them[,] and opened the other.
(suggest no comma)
"Percy?" I was surprised, for just a moment, at how effortlessly the syllables slid
(nice relation of the recent battle with the narcotic. Also glad that the Doctrex did wake up, though that I didn't have too much doubt would occur)
Before Percy began(took? had taken?) his final flight, he('d)? sat on my chest.
(not sure... just wondered if the tensing was further in the past in that paragraph, if a few had's might have been in order there)
I discovered that from the moment a fly first buzzed my nose and my ear(,)
(suggesting this comma is needed to keep the interrupt straight with the introductory element)
sleep ... not much more time passed than what it took for the doctor to drink a
(How interesting that you took last chapter's epic battle to stay awake, and turned it not only into an epic failure, and that he ended up asleep, but the emotional turmoil was a haze of not as significant as it felt at the time. Isn't that pretty much how a lot of life's trials turn out. Much ado over nothing.
So did the doctor swat Percy for him? I'm thinking maybe so.
gauze. "I'll try to be gentle, sir, but your wound is quite large. You may feel some pain as I pull it(this?) back from where it's adhered to the wound. Shall we give it
"Unless?"
(You did a really good job of strumming my curiosity and anticipation by here on what was going on, giving enough clues to imply that the wound wasn't behaving as anticipated by the doctor, but not enough to know what was going on and really wanting to know what the doctor was thinking. Thus I could relate to Doctrex in his asking ... unless? Yes .... Unless??)
"I shall let him know you are recovered."
(I'm guessing Axtillia is not a him, so it's not Axtilla.)
A very smooth chapter here, easy flow, no sentences to stop me in the wake, a great summation of the past chapters epic (not-so epic) sleep battle, and a little reflection on how life's problems might not be what they seem like at the time. I'm satisfied enough that the wound is healed, and I'm taking it literally that there might be magic in this world. )
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Hi Jay, I read through this chapter. Very easy chapter to read, Sums up movement to the next chapter nicely, and explains the previous chapter with the narcotic lenses off. I went with six stars cause there was a moment when I forgot I was reviewing. When I was leaning over to see what the doctor was flabbering for.
scorching pain.--?"General Doctrex?"
(Not sure about that emdash here)
recognized them[,] and opened the other.
(suggest no comma)
"Percy?" I was surprised, for just a moment, at how effortlessly the syllables slid
(nice relation of the recent battle with the narcotic. Also glad that the Doctrex did wake up, though that I didn't have too much doubt would occur)
Before Percy began(took? had taken?) his final flight, he('d)? sat on my chest.
(not sure... just wondered if the tensing was further in the past in that paragraph, if a few had's might have been in order there)
I discovered that from the moment a fly first buzzed my nose and my ear(,)
(suggesting this comma is needed to keep the interrupt straight with the introductory element)
sleep ... not much more time passed than what it took for the doctor to drink a
(How interesting that you took last chapter's epic battle to stay awake, and turned it not only into an epic failure, and that he ended up asleep, but the emotional turmoil was a haze of not as significant as it felt at the time. Isn't that pretty much how a lot of life's trials turn out. Much ado over nothing.
So did the doctor swat Percy for him? I'm thinking maybe so.
gauze. "I'll try to be gentle, sir, but your wound is quite large. You may feel some pain as I pull it(this?) back from where it's adhered to the wound. Shall we give it
"Unless?"
(You did a really good job of strumming my curiosity and anticipation by here on what was going on, giving enough clues to imply that the wound wasn't behaving as anticipated by the doctor, but not enough to know what was going on and really wanting to know what the doctor was thinking. Thus I could relate to Doctrex in his asking ... unless? Yes .... Unless??)
"I shall let him know you are recovered."
(I'm guessing Axtillia is not a him, so it's not Axtilla.)
A very smooth chapter here, easy flow, no sentences to stop me in the wake, a great summation of the past chapters epic (not-so epic) sleep battle, and a little reflection on how life's problems might not be what they seem like at the time. I'm satisfied enough that the wound is healed, and I'm taking it literally that there might be magic in this world. )
Comment Written 01-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Turtle, thanks for the six goes without saying, but you invested so much time in my story that I'm really moved.
[Turtle, that sentence bothered me too. Does this change help. I removed the "I discovered" from the beginning and added it to just before the final clause (In doing that I eliminated that despised "that": From the moment a fly first buzzed my nose and my ear before landing on the sheet, and during the entire time I befriended and dubbed him Percy ... counted him as my savior, and then my betrayer, and finally the most despised traitor who bound me over to the enemy general of eternal sleep, I discovered not much more time passed than what it took for the doctor to drink a cup of coffee.]
"I shall let him know you are recovered."
(I'm guessing Axtillia is not a him, so it's not Axtilla.) [NO, but you opened whole avenues, I'd never have thought of. OMG, especailly the earlier part about the doctor swatting the fly! I may have to include that as a possibility to the final edit.
I made most of the suggested changes, and you have no idea how helpful you've been to me, just by getting me to look closely at my words and sentences. A skill as an editor, I wish I had.
Okay, here's my thought. I didn't trip over the discovered, so much as the From when ... before. The use of before implies a sandwiching of time which was tripping me.
From the moment I opened my door, before I closed it, I realized I was in trouble.
(where there's an implied 'but' in the time-sense of motion, that I now realize might not be wanted. So:
From the moment a fly first buzzed my nose and my ear then landed on the sheet, and during the entire time I had befriended and dubbed him Percy ... counted him as my savior, and then my betrayer, and finally the most despised traitor who bound me over to the enemy general of eternal sleep, not much more time passed than what it took for the doctor to drink a cup of coffee.
(I don't think you need 'I discovered at all... because the previous sentence said... I answered my own question.
I found an answer to my own question. Milk spoils when left out.
Not
I answered my own question. When I leave milk out, I discovered it spoils.
Maybe. Those are my thoughts, though. : )
Turtle.
Comment from justafan
I do believe I have missed a chapter or two Jay. I have been so busy cleaning a tree off the shop in the back of our house that I have been neglectful in my reading and reviewing. Forgive me, please!
This is a lil strange but it pulled me in and I am going to go back and read the previous chapters hon. Not to worry:)
I enjoyed this.
Always,
Missy
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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I do believe I have missed a chapter or two Jay. I have been so busy cleaning a tree off the shop in the back of our house that I have been neglectful in my reading and reviewing. Forgive me, please!
This is a lil strange but it pulled me in and I am going to go back and read the previous chapters hon. Not to worry:)
I enjoyed this.
Always,
Missy
Comment Written 01-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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If you missed the two chapters about Percy the fly, you really should go back and pick them up. I know! 2 cents. But you can't get the full impact of this chapter without having read the previous. I'm so happy you enjoyed this, though.
BTW, I'm going to start including a comprehensive Character List that should prove helpful NOT JUST FOR new readers but also those who were regulars before the 9 or 10 month hiatus. Missy, you da bomb!
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And you da CHIT!!! I am just your doggone biggest fan, Jay :)
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Been told I'm full of it, but it's good to have a fan who likes me even when I'm not scrubbed up.
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I do, I do, I do!!!!
Comment from krprice
Check for words like felt, knew, and that. They should be removed and/or the sentences should be rewritten without them.
Excellent chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Check for words like felt, knew, and that. They should be removed and/or the sentences should be rewritten without them.
Excellent chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 01-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Thank you, Karlene. I'm happy you enjoyed this chapter.
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I'll be out of town from Thurs. thru Monday.
Karlene
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Okee-dokes.
Comment from robina1978
Excellent artwork that complements this chapter very well. The Doctor and his patient don' understand how the patients wound healed so fast. Just magic can do that.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Excellent artwork that complements this chapter very well. The Doctor and his patient don' understand how the patients wound healed so fast. Just magic can do that.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Thanks, Robina. Glad you enjoyed it. BTW, I'm going to start including a comprehensive Character List that should prove helpful NOT JUST FOR new readers but also those who were regulars before the 9 or 10 month hiatus.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi..the six is of course for the craft and the content. I like the mention of magic and the solid non response...and it still it could be a warning...a moment of other...and well the visitor.
I am needing coffee and will re read for pleasure with a second cup...and tease out the bits i like ...
I hope you have a good day...padumachitta
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Hi..the six is of course for the craft and the content. I like the mention of magic and the solid non response...and it still it could be a warning...a moment of other...and well the visitor.
I am needing coffee and will re read for pleasure with a second cup...and tease out the bits i like ...
I hope you have a good day...padumachitta
Comment Written 01-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Thank you so much for the 6, Padumachitta. It's always such a joy to get one from you because I can tell you are sincere. BTW, I'm going to start including a comprehensive Character List that should prove helpful NOT JUST FOR new readers but also those who were regulars before the 9 or 10 month hiatus.
Comment from Gloria ....
I opened one eye a crack. A huge pair of eyes, an inch away, stared into it. Ha, I gotta tell you Jay, the way you wrote that just reminded me of Tiger, the neighbour's cat. Up close even small cat eyes look humongous. Please pardon my aside.
Again, a very picturesque chapter, Jay. My imagination just fires up with all kinds of images with your attention to detail.
The dialogue precise and authentic, and I'm looking forward to the magic.
Great job as always dear friend.
Gloria
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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I opened one eye a crack. A huge pair of eyes, an inch away, stared into it. Ha, I gotta tell you Jay, the way you wrote that just reminded me of Tiger, the neighbour's cat. Up close even small cat eyes look humongous. Please pardon my aside.
Again, a very picturesque chapter, Jay. My imagination just fires up with all kinds of images with your attention to detail.
The dialogue precise and authentic, and I'm looking forward to the magic.
Great job as always dear friend.
Gloria
Comment Written 31-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Thank you so much, Gloria. Your praise is held close to my heart. Thanks for that. BTW, I'm going to start including a comprehensive Character List that should prove helpful NOT JUST FOR new readers but also those who were regulars before the 9 or 10 month hiatus.
