The Conjurer
Be careful what you ask for.51 total reviews
Comment from Aussie
"nature's purest pallet." I really loved that description. Your story is a good, meaty car ride. Some say "to face a Shaman is to face god." I loved your descriptive lines like "I felt as conspicuous as a penguin lying on a Florida beach. You bring to life for the reader who is Australian, a tour of your country. I look forward to your further chapters? More please. Well done.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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"nature's purest pallet." I really loved that description. Your story is a good, meaty car ride. Some say "to face a Shaman is to face god." I loved your descriptive lines like "I felt as conspicuous as a penguin lying on a Florida beach. You bring to life for the reader who is Australian, a tour of your country. I look forward to your further chapters? More please. Well done.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Kay, I absolutely love that quote. Being involved in shamanism seems such a natural state for me. I've had some really scary times when I went into experiences completely unprepared for the power, and have 'seen' some amazing things. It's not a life for the faint of heart, but I believe a path we can all benefit so much from.
Thanks for your generosity and encouragement, my friend. Coming from the only Aborigine I know, it's high praise.
Love, Bev
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We live in twin worlds, nothing ever dies; have to be careful of those beings that would do harm. Love, Kay.
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So well said, Kay. I appreciate that you really get it and are able to express it so well. XX Bev
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, writingfundimension, you did an excellent job writing this chapter that introduces us to the character in this tale of woe in mexico, I enjoyed reading it
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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this is an excellent write, writingfundimension, you did an excellent job writing this chapter that introduces us to the character in this tale of woe in mexico, I enjoyed reading it
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Hi, Sweetwoodjax. Thank you so much for taking time to review so generously. I really appreciate your support.
:) Bev
Comment from CR Delport
I've been away for a while, busy with work and other things, but will ease back over the next few weeks. This is very well written and makes for an interesting read. Good job.
Take care.
Christelle.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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I've been away for a while, busy with work and other things, but will ease back over the next few weeks. This is very well written and makes for an interesting read. Good job.
Take care.
Christelle.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Hi, Christelle. Thank you for taking your precious time to read and review this first part of my story. I appreciate both your support and generosity.
:) Bev
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear Bev-
How nice to find you posting right when I have time (well, sort of) for reviewing!
Great narrative style--well paced and deep POV too. Draws the reader in. Good use of detail (just the right amount) and fine characterization. you do a great job of imagining the internal landscape of this male character. You drew me in to both the scene and the protagonist's mind. Bravo!
Almost a six! but there is room for minor fine tuning and spag fixes.
NOTES
*formatting typo:
The sun's heat toasted the skin of my arms a deeper shade of brown.(ADD SPACE)Back home in Texas,
* sunglesses
sunglasses
* In the distance were hills, and I estimated them to be at least twenty miles away.
A bit wordy. Suggest trimming and tightening to:
In the distance were hills, at least twenty miles away.
or
In the distance were hills, at least twenty miles away by my estimate.
* Two other things occurred to me in that moment: A(a) couple of hours in that heat and I'd be ready to declare Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. The second thing gave me a bad moment of doubt: T(t)his would be the perfect place to get rid of a body.
* duelling with my doubts.
dueling
* whereas I knew the ocean, which out here didn't offer me jack-shit in the credibility department.
Consider shifting OUT HERE to the end:
whereas I knew the ocean, which didn't offer me jack-shit in the credibility department out here.
* The risk was, therefore, real that the man he'd arranged for me to meet could be the leader of a drug cartel.
It's fine, but consider rearranging slightly:
The risk that the man he'd arranged for me to meet could be the leader of a drug cartel was, therefore, real.
*
I could hear him slowly inhaling cigarette smoke as he took his time answering.
COULD is not really needed here. Also, slowly is superfluous because TOOK HIS TIME indicates the same meaning. Suggest trimming and tightening to:
I heard him inhale cigarette smoke as he took his time answering.
*I could hear wheezing from smoke-abused lungs.
trim COULD use HEARD
Excellent depiction of the scene and context here (capturing both internal and external landscapes in few words):
Despite the heat of well over a hundred degrees, I remained in the open, leaning against a band shell decorated with streamers left from a recent wedding celebration. Curiosity lurked in the shadows behind tipped hat brims and scarves protecting faces from the sun's brutality.
SUPERB SIMILE--humorous, too:
I felt as conspicuous as a penguin lying on a Florida beach,
Excellent closing hook.
It's wonderful seeing how much your writing is evolving, dear. Sounds like a good book opening but makes a good short story too--looking forward to part two.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Hi dear Bev-
How nice to find you posting right when I have time (well, sort of) for reviewing!
Great narrative style--well paced and deep POV too. Draws the reader in. Good use of detail (just the right amount) and fine characterization. you do a great job of imagining the internal landscape of this male character. You drew me in to both the scene and the protagonist's mind. Bravo!
Almost a six! but there is room for minor fine tuning and spag fixes.
NOTES
*formatting typo:
The sun's heat toasted the skin of my arms a deeper shade of brown.(ADD SPACE)Back home in Texas,
* sunglesses
sunglasses
* In the distance were hills, and I estimated them to be at least twenty miles away.
A bit wordy. Suggest trimming and tightening to:
In the distance were hills, at least twenty miles away.
or
In the distance were hills, at least twenty miles away by my estimate.
* Two other things occurred to me in that moment: A(a) couple of hours in that heat and I'd be ready to declare Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. The second thing gave me a bad moment of doubt: T(t)his would be the perfect place to get rid of a body.
* duelling with my doubts.
dueling
* whereas I knew the ocean, which out here didn't offer me jack-shit in the credibility department.
Consider shifting OUT HERE to the end:
whereas I knew the ocean, which didn't offer me jack-shit in the credibility department out here.
* The risk was, therefore, real that the man he'd arranged for me to meet could be the leader of a drug cartel.
It's fine, but consider rearranging slightly:
The risk that the man he'd arranged for me to meet could be the leader of a drug cartel was, therefore, real.
*
I could hear him slowly inhaling cigarette smoke as he took his time answering.
COULD is not really needed here. Also, slowly is superfluous because TOOK HIS TIME indicates the same meaning. Suggest trimming and tightening to:
I heard him inhale cigarette smoke as he took his time answering.
*I could hear wheezing from smoke-abused lungs.
trim COULD use HEARD
Excellent depiction of the scene and context here (capturing both internal and external landscapes in few words):
Despite the heat of well over a hundred degrees, I remained in the open, leaning against a band shell decorated with streamers left from a recent wedding celebration. Curiosity lurked in the shadows behind tipped hat brims and scarves protecting faces from the sun's brutality.
SUPERB SIMILE--humorous, too:
I felt as conspicuous as a penguin lying on a Florida beach,
Excellent closing hook.
It's wonderful seeing how much your writing is evolving, dear. Sounds like a good book opening but makes a good short story too--looking forward to part two.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Hi, Rama. Thank you SO much for all your help here. I'm always glad to find ways to make the story flow better, and I can count on you to find them! I'll be making your changes post haste. Great to hear from you, and thanks for taking all the time you did with this review.
Hugs, Bev
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Big hugs, dear Bev. Happy to help, and especially to review YOU! :) Hugs, rd
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Aw, I really appreciate you, Rama. :)
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Ditto, dear! Big hug, rd
Comment from Janet Foor
I enjoyed reading your story Bev. The details were realistic and so believable. Thank you for the author's notes. That was very helpful as I wasn't familiar with some of the terminology. I look forward to reading what comes next.
Janet
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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I enjoyed reading your story Bev. The details were realistic and so believable. Thank you for the author's notes. That was very helpful as I wasn't familiar with some of the terminology. I look forward to reading what comes next.
Janet
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hi, Janet. Thank you much for taking time to read my story. I appreciate your excellent review and shared insights.
Have a great week!
Bev
Comment from c_lucas
What happened to Maine? Sounds like Carlos_Castaneda on the other end of the phone. Although disappointed, I enjoyed the read. Very well written.
ERROR
so I could (send?) her an answering sizzle.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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What happened to Maine? Sounds like Carlos_Castaneda on the other end of the phone. Although disappointed, I enjoyed the read. Very well written.
ERROR
so I could (send?) her an answering sizzle.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Yes, Carlos (among others) is the prototype for my character, Charlie. Nice catch!!
Thanks for the grand review.
:) Bev
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You're welcome Bev. Charlie
Comment from boxergirl
Hey Bev...great job with your introductory chapter. Interesting details to catch our attention and realistic dialogue to set the foreboding tone at the end. Looking forward to reading more! 8-)
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hey Bev...great job with your introductory chapter. Interesting details to catch our attention and realistic dialogue to set the foreboding tone at the end. Looking forward to reading more! 8-)
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Thanks so much, Karen. I really appreciate this encouraging and generous review. Have a great week~Bev
Comment from barkingdog
Damn, Bev. What a place to leave us. I was right there in the square looking around and Bam! I'm back here reviewing. Quite a trip!
All the while, I felt the heat of the desert. It was miserable. Why would any one want to take that trip unless it was for something very important? You got that across for sure.
I hope you continue this story. It's off to a chilling start. A mystery with supernatural edges.
-I laughed at this: ' Elise knew the desert, having been raised in New Mexico, whereas I knew the ocean, which out here didn't offer me jack-shit in the credibility department.'
-shade of brown.( )Back home in Texas
- it was electric(,) so I could her(hear) an answering sizzle.
- in that heat and I'd be ready to declare Jesus Christ
The risk was, therefore, real that the man he'd
Therefore, the risk was real
(This just seemed smoother, but no biggie.)
- a meeting[,] and to plan to spend several
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Damn, Bev. What a place to leave us. I was right there in the square looking around and Bam! I'm back here reviewing. Quite a trip!
All the while, I felt the heat of the desert. It was miserable. Why would any one want to take that trip unless it was for something very important? You got that across for sure.
I hope you continue this story. It's off to a chilling start. A mystery with supernatural edges.
-I laughed at this: ' Elise knew the desert, having been raised in New Mexico, whereas I knew the ocean, which out here didn't offer me jack-shit in the credibility department.'
-shade of brown.( )Back home in Texas
- it was electric(,) so I could her(hear) an answering sizzle.
- in that heat and I'd be ready to declare Jesus Christ
The risk was, therefore, real that the man he'd
Therefore, the risk was real
(This just seemed smoother, but no biggie.)
- a meeting[,] and to plan to spend several
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hey, Ellen. Thank you for this very generous review. I also appreciate your suggestions. Always great to get a fresh set of eyes on something. I'm really glad you liked the story and hope you'll like where I'm going with it. Have a great week~~Bev
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Fantastic! You're going to continue it. Awesome. We need another excellent prose writer's contributions. ;) e
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It's your encouragement that got me the nerve to post it, Ellen. Thanks again for being in my corner. :) Bev
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((((BEV))))
Comment from Joan E.
Since this is really not a short story, I look forward to reading additional chapters. The artwork you chose is certainly mystical. (In paragraph five, I think "hear" lost its "a".) I liked your writing in the first person, present tense for immediacy and having us discovery that our scientist was planning to meet a shaman. I also enjoyed your "penguin" analogy. You are the master of suspense with your dramatic ending as well. Brava- Joan
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Since this is really not a short story, I look forward to reading additional chapters. The artwork you chose is certainly mystical. (In paragraph five, I think "hear" lost its "a".) I liked your writing in the first person, present tense for immediacy and having us discovery that our scientist was planning to meet a shaman. I also enjoyed your "penguin" analogy. You are the master of suspense with your dramatic ending as well. Brava- Joan
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hi, Joan. Thank you so much for this very generous and most encouraging review. The original novel had only three chapters before I lost my way LoL. I feel more capable to tell this story at this point in time. It's always so great to get the support of folks like yourself. Have a great week.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from MelB
First, I was glad to hear it was a guy peeing on the top of a fence. At first, I thought it was a woman and I was wondering how in the world she could do that - LOL
Anyway, great start to this story. I'm anxious to see what else happens.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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First, I was glad to hear it was a guy peeing on the top of a fence. At first, I thought it was a woman and I was wondering how in the world she could do that - LOL
Anyway, great start to this story. I'm anxious to see what else happens.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Thanks, Melissa. I appreciate your excellent review. :) Bev
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You're welcome:)
