The Conjurer
Be careful what you ask for.51 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Well, what a treat to find a post
from you, Bev - and you never disappoint....
a well-written, descriptive chapter that
drew me in and held my attention.....
I'm looking forward to the next part.
Margaret
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Well, what a treat to find a post
from you, Bev - and you never disappoint....
a well-written, descriptive chapter that
drew me in and held my attention.....
I'm looking forward to the next part.
Margaret
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Hi, Margaret. Hope you are feeling better.
Thanks for the very generous review and your encouragement. It's always so rewarding to have a writer of your caliber enjoy an effort of mine.
:) Bev
Comment from Ranger101
Before I begin:
1. I'm a hardass. If a writer isn't occasionally getting at least in striking range of Stephen King or Jane Alison, then it sucks.
2. And to me, even many established money-making writers suck. Christine Feehan has oodles of books on Amazon (where customers are allowed peeks at books). But I can't stand her. Compare Feehan to the prologue of Alison's "The Love-Artist" and you'll see what I mean.
3. I think *my* writing sucks. The Land of Suck is a sprawling continent with all kinds of hostile terrain that blocks many from easy escape. Some of us are stuck in dark swamps, covered in mud or worse. Some of us hang from cliffs.
To begin, you have the start of a great story here. An Englishman (or Englishwoman) seeking a shaman across an American desert. And why? Great stuff!
But I think you're working too hard to describe too much. (But I think I also see the kind of writing style you're aiming for. It's a tough style to master, though.)
Most or a lot of great writing is like a leaping unicorn. It's light and fast and trails rainbows. Strap a saddle on it and stuff the saddlebags full of what you think is gold, and the unicorn (the sentence) becomes just another beast of burden, and the rainbows turn to gray drizzle. To me, it is all about style.
In the Army we were always told to remember the KISS principle. ("Keep It Simple, Stupid.") I'm not rewriting stuff here, just re-describing:
"The sun's heat toasted the skin of my arms a deeper shade of brown."
The sun was toasting my arms a deeper brown.
[I considered "toasted my arms", but that seemed to describe something rapid.]
"I needed to pee, and knew I'd have to pull over into the edge of the chaparral."
I had to piss. I'd have to pull over--in the middle of the chaparral.
[At least in American parlance, men generally "piss" or "whiz"; women and children "pee".]
"The prospect, frankly, terrified me due to my permeating fear of snakes... [yadda yadda yadda]... when all the things that give me nightmares would be on the hunt for food."
Snakes out there. I hate snakes. Hate tarantulas too, not to mention the scorpions. And the centipedes! Who knew *centipedes* could kill you?
So I gave up the evening run. What if I had a breakdown? Night time is dinner time in the chaparral.
"Two cars were all I'd seen for the last fifteen miles and both were headed in the opposite direction."
I saw just two cars the last fifteen miles. Both speeding the other way.
"I drained the last of my water bottle and added it to the pile on the opposite seat."
I drained the last of the Dasani and tossed the bottle with rest of the empties on the floor.
I could be totally off base here with all that, but it's the way I see it.
A note:
"As I searched for a place to pull off the road, I noticed barbed wire. Who owns property way out here?"
A good straightforward sentence.
In the American west, however, all kinds of land (Federal, state or private) is fenced off for grazing, often lands one might think useless for grazing or anything else. But the question can be a fair one, depending on circumstance.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Before I begin:
1. I'm a hardass. If a writer isn't occasionally getting at least in striking range of Stephen King or Jane Alison, then it sucks.
2. And to me, even many established money-making writers suck. Christine Feehan has oodles of books on Amazon (where customers are allowed peeks at books). But I can't stand her. Compare Feehan to the prologue of Alison's "The Love-Artist" and you'll see what I mean.
3. I think *my* writing sucks. The Land of Suck is a sprawling continent with all kinds of hostile terrain that blocks many from easy escape. Some of us are stuck in dark swamps, covered in mud or worse. Some of us hang from cliffs.
To begin, you have the start of a great story here. An Englishman (or Englishwoman) seeking a shaman across an American desert. And why? Great stuff!
But I think you're working too hard to describe too much. (But I think I also see the kind of writing style you're aiming for. It's a tough style to master, though.)
Most or a lot of great writing is like a leaping unicorn. It's light and fast and trails rainbows. Strap a saddle on it and stuff the saddlebags full of what you think is gold, and the unicorn (the sentence) becomes just another beast of burden, and the rainbows turn to gray drizzle. To me, it is all about style.
In the Army we were always told to remember the KISS principle. ("Keep It Simple, Stupid.") I'm not rewriting stuff here, just re-describing:
"The sun's heat toasted the skin of my arms a deeper shade of brown."
The sun was toasting my arms a deeper brown.
[I considered "toasted my arms", but that seemed to describe something rapid.]
"I needed to pee, and knew I'd have to pull over into the edge of the chaparral."
I had to piss. I'd have to pull over--in the middle of the chaparral.
[At least in American parlance, men generally "piss" or "whiz"; women and children "pee".]
"The prospect, frankly, terrified me due to my permeating fear of snakes... [yadda yadda yadda]... when all the things that give me nightmares would be on the hunt for food."
Snakes out there. I hate snakes. Hate tarantulas too, not to mention the scorpions. And the centipedes! Who knew *centipedes* could kill you?
So I gave up the evening run. What if I had a breakdown? Night time is dinner time in the chaparral.
"Two cars were all I'd seen for the last fifteen miles and both were headed in the opposite direction."
I saw just two cars the last fifteen miles. Both speeding the other way.
"I drained the last of my water bottle and added it to the pile on the opposite seat."
I drained the last of the Dasani and tossed the bottle with rest of the empties on the floor.
I could be totally off base here with all that, but it's the way I see it.
A note:
"As I searched for a place to pull off the road, I noticed barbed wire. Who owns property way out here?"
A good straightforward sentence.
In the American west, however, all kinds of land (Federal, state or private) is fenced off for grazing, often lands one might think useless for grazing or anything else. But the question can be a fair one, depending on circumstance.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Thank you for the review.. I'll take all your suggestions under consideration, though it seems as if you are completely pre-disposed before even getting into the story, hence the extremely low rating. Where your suggestions have merit, I'll be sure to make the changes.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Oh, yeah. I'm liking this one. You and your other-worldly connections. Love it. Great writing as always, Bev. You set a scene and pull the reader into it, teasing the senses with your descriptions. Yummy cliffhanger. Look forward to reading the next.
A few suggestions for your consideration:
The rental car's jacked-up air-conditioning chilled my legs while my head and arms baked in the heat. I shoved the expensive pair of sungl(a)sses my girlfriend bought me onto the bridge of my nose and cursed their inadequacy against the () brilliance.
Two cars were all I'd seen for the last fifteen miles(,) both () headed in the opposite direction.
Hopping across the ditch and unzipping my pants, I aimed a stream of urine along the top of the fence, half-hoping it was electric, so I could hear an answering sizzle. It was my fuck-you to someone arrogant enough to fence in nature's purest palette. - Love this image! HAHAHA!
(I stood there awhile) - (after settling willy back into place) - I suggest swapping these two around. The willy should be settled first, imho. LOL!
A couple of hours in that heat and I'd be ready to declare Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. The second thing gave me a bad moment of doubt: This would be the perfect place to get rid of a body - nice bit of darkness here.
I got back ehind the wheel, checked the clock on the dashboard and realized - suggest:- 'Back behind the wheel, I checked the clock etc etc
I found the other half of my turkey sandwich, (glad) I had the foresight to bring it along. - suggestion
I (heard) wheezing from smoke-abused lungs.
I felt as conspicuous as a penguin lying on a Florida beach - awesome!!
and (smelled) the musky odor of sweat () from my armpits. I glanced about(,) () looking for anyone matching the description of Senor Pasquale:
A strong write. What's happening with your last book?
Hugs,
Av
xx
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Oh, yeah. I'm liking this one. You and your other-worldly connections. Love it. Great writing as always, Bev. You set a scene and pull the reader into it, teasing the senses with your descriptions. Yummy cliffhanger. Look forward to reading the next.
A few suggestions for your consideration:
The rental car's jacked-up air-conditioning chilled my legs while my head and arms baked in the heat. I shoved the expensive pair of sungl(a)sses my girlfriend bought me onto the bridge of my nose and cursed their inadequacy against the () brilliance.
Two cars were all I'd seen for the last fifteen miles(,) both () headed in the opposite direction.
Hopping across the ditch and unzipping my pants, I aimed a stream of urine along the top of the fence, half-hoping it was electric, so I could hear an answering sizzle. It was my fuck-you to someone arrogant enough to fence in nature's purest palette. - Love this image! HAHAHA!
(I stood there awhile) - (after settling willy back into place) - I suggest swapping these two around. The willy should be settled first, imho. LOL!
A couple of hours in that heat and I'd be ready to declare Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. The second thing gave me a bad moment of doubt: This would be the perfect place to get rid of a body - nice bit of darkness here.
I got back ehind the wheel, checked the clock on the dashboard and realized - suggest:- 'Back behind the wheel, I checked the clock etc etc
I found the other half of my turkey sandwich, (glad) I had the foresight to bring it along. - suggestion
I (heard) wheezing from smoke-abused lungs.
I felt as conspicuous as a penguin lying on a Florida beach - awesome!!
and (smelled) the musky odor of sweat () from my armpits. I glanced about(,) () looking for anyone matching the description of Senor Pasquale:
A strong write. What's happening with your last book?
Hugs,
Av
xx
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Hi, Av. Thanks for the excellent review and suggestions. It's always good to have a fresh perspective. Your suggestions are good ones, too.
I'm still working with an editor on the book. Thanks for asking.
Bev
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Oh, goody! It certainly merits publication. Keep me posted!!!
x
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That's kind of you, Av.
Xo Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
I shoved the expensive pair of SUNGLESSES my girlfriend bought me onto the bridge of my nose and cursed their inadequacy against the light's brilliance." SUNGLASSES.
I was still imagining the protagonist as female until "I aimed a stream of urine along the top of the fence..." LOL!
Darn good opening for a novel, Bev. Tightly written, with good, rhythmic flow. Good writing is like poetry in that it has a natural rhythm to it. And your images are crisp and clear. Well done, girl!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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I shoved the expensive pair of SUNGLESSES my girlfriend bought me onto the bridge of my nose and cursed their inadequacy against the light's brilliance." SUNGLASSES.
I was still imagining the protagonist as female until "I aimed a stream of urine along the top of the fence..." LOL!
Darn good opening for a novel, Bev. Tightly written, with good, rhythmic flow. Good writing is like poetry in that it has a natural rhythm to it. And your images are crisp and clear. Well done, girl!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Hi, Adrienne. Thank you for the very gracious and generous review. I also appreciate your catching that spag. I think I set some kind of record with them this time! That's why posting to FanStory is so helpful. Lots of folks, beside yourself, mentioned they didn't realize the protagonist was male for quite a while into the story. I find that fascinating, actually. One person mentioned that I'd not described my character at all, which was something I intended for this first part.. It points out how important the physical attributes are in a story, I think. Anyway, a long-winded thank you!
:) Bev
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I don't think it's necessary to introduce your character like he was stepping on stage. I like to have a character reveal himself in stages, as you've just done. I enjoy using my imagination a bit while I'm reading. And I love surprises. As a first chapter, I think it rocks. It has a nice professional tone. Do the next one!
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I so appreciate your kind words, especially after the rather nasty review I received earlier today. I was ready to slit my wrists, but I think maybe now I'll hang in there LoL. I don't mind good insights, but can do without the rancor. Anyway, I appreciate you, Adrienne. And when can we expect more of your excellent novel? I miss reading you excellent writing.
:) Bev
Comment from ellie6
Will the shaman make an appearance, and will our protagonist escape unscathed? It seems to me there is a lot more to come. You have captured my attention.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Will the shaman make an appearance, and will our protagonist escape unscathed? It seems to me there is a lot more to come. You have captured my attention.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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The shaman will, indeed, make an appearance in the next chapter. The scientist, however, will never the same LoL. But that's a bit down the road.
Thanks so much, ellie6. I really appreciate the grand review.
:) Bev
Comment from MsPetra
I think you did a great job on this. I was compelled to read on. I want to know what comes next.
You painted a vivid picture. I could see it in my mind. Your narrative was flawless. You did an excellent job of filling in the backstory while progressing the current story.
Please keep writing. I will be looking forward to future offerings from you.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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I think you did a great job on this. I was compelled to read on. I want to know what comes next.
You painted a vivid picture. I could see it in my mind. Your narrative was flawless. You did an excellent job of filling in the backstory while progressing the current story.
Please keep writing. I will be looking forward to future offerings from you.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Thank you so much for this very positive and encouraging review, MsPetra. I really appreciate you taking time to reach the first part of my story. Up next, the shaman and his cohorts make an appearance.
:) Bev
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Cool! I am looking forward to it.
Comment from bookishfabler
Wow, I enjoyed reading this. I wish I was around more to keep enjoying the writing here. Anyway, I love your descriptiveness and how it makes your characters come to life. I have no nits, I honestly wasn't looking for them. But nothing glared out at me. Great job. I hope to catch more.
Hugs
Heidi
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Wow, I enjoyed reading this. I wish I was around more to keep enjoying the writing here. Anyway, I love your descriptiveness and how it makes your characters come to life. I have no nits, I honestly wasn't looking for them. But nothing glared out at me. Great job. I hope to catch more.
Hugs
Heidi
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Hi, Heidi. Thank you a big bunch for this fab review. I really appreciate the encouragement and support. Part two will be up in about a week. I hope to take this story to some very interesting places.
Have a great week!
Bev
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you are very welcome
hugs heidi
Comment from Louise Michelle
Great descriptive details makes me see the scene and feel I am right there. The pile of water bottles on the seat is telling with just a few well chosen words.
Hmm...what on earth is this professional doing in Mexico, exchanging money. Very good page turner at the end. Hugs, Lou
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Great descriptive details makes me see the scene and feel I am right there. The pile of water bottles on the seat is telling with just a few well chosen words.
Hmm...what on earth is this professional doing in Mexico, exchanging money. Very good page turner at the end. Hugs, Lou
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Hi, Lou. Thank you much for the grand review. I sure appreciate your kind insights and generosity. I'm enjoying telling this tale, and hope to post again in about a week.
XX Bev
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Dang it, Bev! That's the ultimate cliff-hanger. I was bracing myself for Pasquale and his peeps. It's never a good sign when the birds refuse to chirp. You can't deny your faithful fans a first-hand look at this legend. Dare I hope you'll post more of this story??
I loved your opening paragraph. The imagery immediately draws the reader into the scene. You feel like you're in the seat right next to our guy. That is, if his collection of water bottles and sandwich wasn't there.
Great simile and description:
"I felt as conspicuous as a penguin lying on a Florida beach, and could smell the musky odor of sweat leaking from my armpits." (Love the verb, "leaking".)
This story is in your wheelhouse of expertise, which is why it's so damned good.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Dang it, Bev! That's the ultimate cliff-hanger. I was bracing myself for Pasquale and his peeps. It's never a good sign when the birds refuse to chirp. You can't deny your faithful fans a first-hand look at this legend. Dare I hope you'll post more of this story??
I loved your opening paragraph. The imagery immediately draws the reader into the scene. You feel like you're in the seat right next to our guy. That is, if his collection of water bottles and sandwich wasn't there.
Great simile and description:
"I felt as conspicuous as a penguin lying on a Florida beach, and could smell the musky odor of sweat leaking from my armpits." (Love the verb, "leaking".)
This story is in your wheelhouse of expertise, which is why it's so damned good.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Hi, Marietta. Thank you very much for this really awesome review. I'm glad you pointed out (in a separate note) the situation about the electrified fence. I'm going to try to re-word it while keeping in mind the caution about the electricity. It's details like that which are important in a story's credibility. So, thanks for sharing and caring!
:) Bev
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You're welcome. I hope we'll see more of this story. :D
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You will :)
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
It was an excellent beginning that introduced your main protagonist, Bev. Also I liked the way you made it clear what the point of the story was going to be about, him wanting to interview this old man and what he was to expect from him. Now the scene is set for the meeting, and the ending has set us up to expect some interesting action, Giddy
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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It was an excellent beginning that introduced your main protagonist, Bev. Also I liked the way you made it clear what the point of the story was going to be about, him wanting to interview this old man and what he was to expect from him. Now the scene is set for the meeting, and the ending has set us up to expect some interesting action, Giddy
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2015
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Hi, Giddy. Thank you very much for this most encouraging review. I've been involved in shamanic practices of differing levels over the past two decades. In part, that is the source of this material.
Thanks for reading and supporting me, my friend.
:) Bev
