When Blood Collides
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "A Parasitic Relationshp"A family's love is tested.
28 total reviews
Comment from I am Cat
Oh snap! Seriously?
lol
This is getting juicy...
now how am I supposed to sleep well tonight with
this on the table?
This is much easier to follow,
this and the last one...
than the one I told you about the other day...
and so, i'm back on track...
and yes, just waiting to see what happens
Cat
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2015
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Oh snap! Seriously?
lol
This is getting juicy...
now how am I supposed to sleep well tonight with
this on the table?
This is much easier to follow,
this and the last one...
than the one I told you about the other day...
and so, i'm back on track...
and yes, just waiting to see what happens
Cat
Comment Written 07-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2015
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Thanks, Cat. I had to go back and read it again. If I rewrite it, I would put more dialogue in. It's so easy to let narrative take over.
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Yes, I agree... I can go back later and re-read if you like and let you know where I got lost... I'm in a hurry tonight, but certainly will if it will help. xox
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I appreciate the offer. Let you know after I read this draft in its entirety. Nothing is in stone even after it's printed. Sigh...
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right?
I've done yearbooks, and it seems that every damn one I ever did... no matter how many times I edited and reedited... there always seemed to be something in the first 10 pages! WTF?
lol
how does that happen?
I'm happy to just give an honest opinion... you know about opinion, right? lol
Have a good one!
Cat
Comment from w.j.debi
What a shocking ending. Letting know about the memorial service after it is over with seems a bit harsh. That final sentence certainly has a hook for the next chapter. Thankfully, I see you have posted it.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015
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What a shocking ending. Letting know about the memorial service after it is over with seems a bit harsh. That final sentence certainly has a hook for the next chapter. Thankfully, I see you have posted it.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2015
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LOL. Accidentally shorted my last answer to you.. Anyway, we all felt bad for Auntie Dee, even those who didn't like her.
Comment from Muffins
The description of Dee's personality and the "Manatee" quote help the reader form a clear picture of Dee in their mind. It wasn't necessary to devote 2 to 3 paragraphs on how she wore her hair, the clothes she wore, or how long her nails were. You chose specific details that had the impact to create a powerful image.
All hate is awful, but family hatred makes the soul bleed. No matter how Beverly felt about her mother in law she had the obligation to inform her about Bobby's death immediately. For a wife to tell her husband's mother about his death three days after it happen is evil. There isn't any excuse for it unless she was on drugs. Dee, from what you wrote, is a handful but ,as a mother, she did not deserve that.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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The description of Dee's personality and the "Manatee" quote help the reader form a clear picture of Dee in their mind. It wasn't necessary to devote 2 to 3 paragraphs on how she wore her hair, the clothes she wore, or how long her nails were. You chose specific details that had the impact to create a powerful image.
All hate is awful, but family hatred makes the soul bleed. No matter how Beverly felt about her mother in law she had the obligation to inform her about Bobby's death immediately. For a wife to tell her husband's mother about his death three days after it happen is evil. There isn't any excuse for it unless she was on drugs. Dee, from what you wrote, is a handful but ,as a mother, she did not deserve that.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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You are soooooooooo right, Muffins. Thanks for the insightful and complimentary review.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Oh, my goodness, Shari ... what a concluding line to leave your reader gasping!
Non-fiction is often ... well ... yawn-worthy. This piece certainly wasn't. Your aunt - the Manatee - seems almost like a caricature. Love the note of wry irony flowing through the lines.
Sonali
along, a solid widow(er) who wanted their arrangement
Dee moved into Kings Point ... do you need an apostrophe for Kings ..?
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2015
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Oh, my goodness, Shari ... what a concluding line to leave your reader gasping!
Non-fiction is often ... well ... yawn-worthy. This piece certainly wasn't. Your aunt - the Manatee - seems almost like a caricature. Love the note of wry irony flowing through the lines.
Sonali
along, a solid widow(er) who wanted their arrangement
Dee moved into Kings Point ... do you need an apostrophe for Kings ..?
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2015
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Dee could be delightful and lots of fun, but don't get on her bad side. No apostrophe for Kings Point--I checked it out. Did make the change to widower. Thanks so much, Sonali
Comment from maggieadams
Wow, you do have some incredible endings...what...a murder in your family. Aren't siblings interesting. A counselor woke me up to the fact that siblings are the most complex one will ever have and by far the longest relationship one will ever have. Should the line: both sisters were in their seventies by now be changed to: by then (instead of by now)... Seems to be better with consistency of tense.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Wow, you do have some incredible endings...what...a murder in your family. Aren't siblings interesting. A counselor woke me up to the fact that siblings are the most complex one will ever have and by far the longest relationship one will ever have. Should the line: both sisters were in their seventies by now be changed to: by then (instead of by now)... Seems to be better with consistency of tense.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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I changed that line as suggested. It does sound better. If I were to delve into my Dad's relationship with his sister, you'd read about a suicide that wasn't suppose to happen!
Comment from Deniz22
Truthfully, I'm getting lost as the cast of characters grows. I have the feeling I've missed a few episodes, which might be true, since I've been off a while. I don't want to say "soap opera" but the term does rear it's sudsy head every now and then. But believe me, I could write one about my extended family that might exceed the "drama" part of what you've written about yours. ...after all, I CAN "leap tall buildings in a single bound"...:) SM
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Truthfully, I'm getting lost as the cast of characters grows. I have the feeling I've missed a few episodes, which might be true, since I've been off a while. I don't want to say "soap opera" but the term does rear it's sudsy head every now and then. But believe me, I could write one about my extended family that might exceed the "drama" part of what you've written about yours. ...after all, I CAN "leap tall buildings in a single bound"...:) SM
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Soap Opera fits the bill, and I'm betting most members would have more frightening stories. You just have to get the guts to write about it. :-) LL
Comment from adewpearl
excellent character development
including revealing back story
good dialogue that reveals much about the attitude of the speaker
a most dramatic closing
Brooke
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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excellent character development
including revealing back story
good dialogue that reveals much about the attitude of the speaker
a most dramatic closing
Brooke
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thanks, Brooke, for the detailed review.
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Shari. Crikey mate she sounds like a keeper LOL. This is another great chapter and as always it is very easy to read and to understand. What is "Manatee?" This murder bit has me intrigued. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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G'day Shari. Crikey mate she sounds like a keeper LOL. This is another great chapter and as always it is very easy to read and to understand. What is "Manatee?" This murder bit has me intrigued. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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A Manatee is a see mammal that looks like a dirigible. Think of a walrus. The manatee is noted for is gentleness, but that wouldn't fit my aunt's personality. The size of this creature has earned him the nickname of the gentle cow.
Comment from ProSongwriter
Hi Shari ...
Di and I are still going through the grieving process of the loss of our son. I've not been very active with my R&R. In time, things will return to as close to normal as possible ... hopefully in the not too distant future. I felt I owed you a visit. Besides, I enjoy reading your work.
Wow, what an eye-raising chapter! Sounds almost as dysfunctional as my family! Dee is quite a strict, no-nonsense gal and apparently not tolerant of those who weren't! The gypsy envious of stability but either unable or unwilling to find it for herself.
And quite a pointed statement from your Mom about Beverly having killed Bobby.
There is a lot of intrigue in this family story. Dysfunction banding together when the occasion arises. Quite a story, for sure!
Best to you ...
Alan
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Hi Shari ...
Di and I are still going through the grieving process of the loss of our son. I've not been very active with my R&R. In time, things will return to as close to normal as possible ... hopefully in the not too distant future. I felt I owed you a visit. Besides, I enjoy reading your work.
Wow, what an eye-raising chapter! Sounds almost as dysfunctional as my family! Dee is quite a strict, no-nonsense gal and apparently not tolerant of those who weren't! The gypsy envious of stability but either unable or unwilling to find it for herself.
And quite a pointed statement from your Mom about Beverly having killed Bobby.
There is a lot of intrigue in this family story. Dysfunction banding together when the occasion arises. Quite a story, for sure!
Best to you ...
Alan
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Nice to hear from you again, Alan. I understand your grief. It took be a long time to get over my mother's death. And she was 87!
Dig hard enough, I bet every family has its skeletons. Some of them a lot worse than mine.
Hugs,
Shari
Comment from IndianaIrish
Wow. Dee sounds like she has her own personal Peyton Place! Great chapter, Shari, and I really enjoyed the goings-on. So, Dee never got in contact with her daughter at all after she got married? A couple of things to look at.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
published them in the literary magazine under her name.(,)" Mother told me.
"Give each kid his own workbook, and he'll(they'll) be happy," she advised me as I struggled with discipline problems. ( maybe mention disciple at school and not home?)
She moved out, penniless now. ( now is present tense)
He wasn't rich, (extra spce) But(but) four years later(,)(extra spce) she relented
Beverly called her sister one evening(worded that Beverly called her sister instead of your aunt)
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2015
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Wow. Dee sounds like she has her own personal Peyton Place! Great chapter, Shari, and I really enjoyed the goings-on. So, Dee never got in contact with her daughter at all after she got married? A couple of things to look at.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
published them in the literary magazine under her name.(,)" Mother told me.
"Give each kid his own workbook, and he'll(they'll) be happy," she advised me as I struggled with discipline problems. ( maybe mention disciple at school and not home?)
She moved out, penniless now. ( now is present tense)
He wasn't rich, (extra spce) But(but) four years later(,)(extra spce) she relented
Beverly called her sister one evening(worded that Beverly called her sister instead of your aunt)
Comment Written 21-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2015
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Thanks, Karyn, for all your suggestions especially the last one! I could see where that would cause confusion.
