Awakening
What happens after you win?16 total reviews
Comment from jpduck
Boy, did Anders have a dinger of a hangover -- very well described (you've obviously been there!)
You've followed your own instructions well -- it has a level of physical action, terse language and a sense of fun and adventure. Just one problem: it is far too well written to be classified as pulp fiction!
I particularly enjoyed 'but the tangles and matting captured it mid stroke'. A remarkably concise description of a series of actions which, on the face of it, are quite complex.
Suggestions, typos & SPAGs (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):
'if he hadn't already have been there' (This feels a bit clumsy. I think 'if he wasn't already there' would be better).
'unveiling the darkness outside [of] his small starcraft. (The 'of' feels unnecessary).
'The door shuddered and slid[e] sideways'
'One of them trained [their] *his* weapon on him'
'carrying some clothes in his arms.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'and noticed that the guard had fallen on the tunic they had brought for him.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
Adrian
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
  |
Boy, did Anders have a dinger of a hangover -- very well described (you've obviously been there!)
You've followed your own instructions well -- it has a level of physical action, terse language and a sense of fun and adventure. Just one problem: it is far too well written to be classified as pulp fiction!
I particularly enjoyed 'but the tangles and matting captured it mid stroke'. A remarkably concise description of a series of actions which, on the face of it, are quite complex.
Suggestions, typos & SPAGs (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):
'if he hadn't already have been there' (This feels a bit clumsy. I think 'if he wasn't already there' would be better).
'unveiling the darkness outside [of] his small starcraft. (The 'of' feels unnecessary).
'The door shuddered and slid[e] sideways'
'One of them trained [their] *his* weapon on him'
'carrying some clothes in his arms.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'and noticed that the guard had fallen on the tunic they had brought for him.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
Adrian
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks Adrian
I wanted to try to elevate the writing a bit. Isaac Asimov started with pulp. Some of it is pretty well written, it was the subject matter that was deemed outlandish or not 'literary'.
I love this sort of thing - always have. I will take a critique of being too well written any day!
Appreciate the attention to detail as always and will rectify.
Much appreciated.
G
Comment from Sis Cat
What do you mean, "To be continued . . . Maybe." You have to continue this. It reminded me of the intergalactic version of what happens to the Middle East after the United States overthrew the Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. A worse mess.
The first, middle, and last thing I noticed about your Pulp Fiction contest entry was the writing. Your writing pops off the screen with visceral descriptions, snappy dialogue, gripping action sequences, comical violence, and a captivating character, Anders. This story enthralled me. It is writing of the highest order.
Only spags is that you need to insert blank lines before the paragraphs that begin
"Not much bloody use now," (Add comma)
Anders looked at the armed guard and said, "You do realise
These are minor compared to the joy I experienced reading your entry. I wish you success in the contest. Thank your for daring.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
 |
What do you mean, "To be continued . . . Maybe." You have to continue this. It reminded me of the intergalactic version of what happens to the Middle East after the United States overthrew the Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. A worse mess.
The first, middle, and last thing I noticed about your Pulp Fiction contest entry was the writing. Your writing pops off the screen with visceral descriptions, snappy dialogue, gripping action sequences, comical violence, and a captivating character, Anders. This story enthralled me. It is writing of the highest order.
Only spags is that you need to insert blank lines before the paragraphs that begin
"Not much bloody use now," (Add comma)
Anders looked at the armed guard and said, "You do realise
These are minor compared to the joy I experienced reading your entry. I wish you success in the contest. Thank your for daring.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks for the great review. I have been writing this for a while now. It will probably end up as a full book. Originally, I wanted to do an actual 'Flash Gordon' story which is why the back story is so similar. Good sci-fi also should draw allegories, they always have.
I love writing this stuff. Always have. My first love as a kid, and a writer. I am a big sci-fi geek too which is why I created the competition. I just wish it had been better supported.
Many thanks for the generous rating and stars.
-
Better supported? There were not enough entries or votes? Maybe writers today are too distant from the joy of the golden age of Pulp Fiction.
-
I think so. It has been on the listing for a while and rolled over a day or so ago. Now up to 4 entries, so okay.
Comment from royowen
I enjoyed you're pulp fiction episode, I think this is definitely an interesting story that probably deserves an airing, I thin I wouldn't mind following it if you brought it out, a number of questions emerge, why wouldn't the assailants weapons work on him, and why the Anders was drunk, why none of them is his size. Fascinating, well composed, designed, characters are believable, engaging plot, well done, GMG good luck, blessings, Roy. Spag:- There was nothing (in) else.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
|
I enjoyed you're pulp fiction episode, I think this is definitely an interesting story that probably deserves an airing, I thin I wouldn't mind following it if you brought it out, a number of questions emerge, why wouldn't the assailants weapons work on him, and why the Anders was drunk, why none of them is his size. Fascinating, well composed, designed, characters are believable, engaging plot, well done, GMG good luck, blessings, Roy. Spag:- There was nothing (in) else.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks for the review, Roy. I like the questions you raise, and there are answers. I have written more as this wasn't originally intended for this contest but as it hasn't been too well supported I thought I would through it in.
This kind of thing is my first love. I am a big sci-fi geek.
Many thanks. Much appreciated
-
Me too, sci fi that is, I once has the best collection, Herbert, Asimov, Ron LHubbard Wyndham, C S Lewis, go for it. Roy.
-
Quite a collection. I am reading back through Ray Bradbury at the moment. Having said that, I recently re-read CS Lewis, 'Out of the Silent Planet' which I first read in school. Start of the trilogy. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. The writing is superb. Poetry in prose - outstanding.
G
-
I've read that particular trilogy, "voyage to Venus" was either the second or third, it was 40 years since I've read, I really liked Wyndham and Herbert, I've read some of Bradbury as well. That was all I read once upon a time, of course Tolkien's" Lord of the rings" a must read, the "foundation" trilogy, of course there was a fourth, by Asimov, some of these guys are actually dead now, Roy.
Comment from chasennov
"Awakening" I always wondered what it would be like travelling the Galaxies, Your story gave me some insight into that. Space travel I presume can become complicated for some. Well done.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
|
"Awakening" I always wondered what it would be like travelling the Galaxies, Your story gave me some insight into that. Space travel I presume can become complicated for some. Well done.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks for the review. this is my kind of thing. I am so obsessed with space both in fiction and reality. Fascinates me. Some of the real stuff is mind-boggling!
Much appreciated
-
You're most welcome. Have you read any of my Hakus on the Universe?
-
I don't think so but I will keep an eye out for them, or raid your portfolio!
-
Anytime you wish.
Comment from mfowler
This is stirring stuff, Gerard.
It was a cross between Star Wars, Red Dwarf and Dr Who (if you know them).
I love the character, Anders, especially the drunken version.
His struggle to get his head around what was going on was very well told. Loved the woodpecker, in particular.
He started to rummage through the multitude of empty bottles littering the floor, seeking something to help dull the woodpecker in his head...too good, and using it three times as an extended metaphor was cool.
I liked the notion of stun rays not affecting him, and then the scimitar getting the reaction: "Yep, that'll work," offered Anders in response...was very funny.
Your action scenes were bloody and bloody well described.
The whole sequence from the background to your maybe, to be continued finished fitted the Flash Gordon stuff to a tee, with maybe a dash of modern blood and guts eg
He uttered before heading out of the door and turning left, still bare chested, and shivering. Anders paused at the severed head propped up against the door. He bent down and ripped out an eye, "Just in case."
I wish you the best with this contest. You'll go close.
A couple of suggestions:
Still fully clothed, just like many nights before, he had no idea how long he'd been wearing these clothes....two 'clothes' derivatives give this sentence a strange feel; suggest 'Still fully dressed..'
The door shuddered and slide sideways as two guards entered the room. ...slid ..for 'slide'
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
|
This is stirring stuff, Gerard.
It was a cross between Star Wars, Red Dwarf and Dr Who (if you know them).
I love the character, Anders, especially the drunken version.
His struggle to get his head around what was going on was very well told. Loved the woodpecker, in particular.
He started to rummage through the multitude of empty bottles littering the floor, seeking something to help dull the woodpecker in his head...too good, and using it three times as an extended metaphor was cool.
I liked the notion of stun rays not affecting him, and then the scimitar getting the reaction: "Yep, that'll work," offered Anders in response...was very funny.
Your action scenes were bloody and bloody well described.
The whole sequence from the background to your maybe, to be continued finished fitted the Flash Gordon stuff to a tee, with maybe a dash of modern blood and guts eg
He uttered before heading out of the door and turning left, still bare chested, and shivering. Anders paused at the severed head propped up against the door. He bent down and ripped out an eye, "Just in case."
I wish you the best with this contest. You'll go close.
A couple of suggestions:
Still fully clothed, just like many nights before, he had no idea how long he'd been wearing these clothes....two 'clothes' derivatives give this sentence a strange feel; suggest 'Still fully dressed..'
The door shuddered and slide sideways as two guards entered the room. ...slid ..for 'slide'
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
-
Cheers Mark. I am a huge sci-fi geek and am very familiar with all those you mention. I have been inside a dalek and met Tom Baker twice. I went to a talk he gave in Hastings years ago, got my picture taken and his signed autobiography (my pride and joy beside a signed William Shatner Star Trek uniform).
My friend Rupert is also a graphic novelist and he was on a panel at San Diego Comic Con last year. His book's main character was modelled on me! I did the posing and it is my likeness (only with shorter hair!). I am such a geek!
Yeah, I wanted it to be like the old pulp fiction pieces but brought up to date a little bit.
I would write this all day, every day if I could get away with it.
Many thanks for the great review. Much appreciated, as usual.
I am gonna go and follow those sugestions you made.
Comment from robina1978
I already thought I did not read about this before, when I was your fan. It fulfils all the requirements for the contest. The character has changed and I fund it a thrilling, exciting story with a nice balance between narrative and dialogues. Best wishes for the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
|
I already thought I did not read about this before, when I was your fan. It fulfils all the requirements for the contest. The character has changed and I fund it a thrilling, exciting story with a nice balance between narrative and dialogues. Best wishes for the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
-
Many thanks for the review. Glad you found it exciting. Much appreciated
