THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Euthanasia Factor (PT 1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
42 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
oh my, this was very poignant, you made doctrex so vulnerable in this chapter, his worrying for jed pulled all the strings in my heart as i read this. poor boy. wonderfully written!
only two small suggesntions concerning the writing style
"Look at me, Garvin."
"Yes, sir. [*]You need to know, // i loved what you did with garvin looking over doctrex's shoulder, it created a great ambiance and made the characters real to me, but i was missing some action here - i marked the place with the brackets and star - some physical action of garvin would fit in the place I think, it would also pause his response a bit and then i think it would sound more natural. -> just my opinions, use or ignore :)
was silent. Then, "We don't have time, sir." // i'm not a big fan of the sentences as the one here - starting with "Then..." it can be a question of style, but you haven't been using them, so I thouhgt I'd point this one out :)
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2015
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oh my, this was very poignant, you made doctrex so vulnerable in this chapter, his worrying for jed pulled all the strings in my heart as i read this. poor boy. wonderfully written!
only two small suggesntions concerning the writing style
"Look at me, Garvin."
"Yes, sir. [*]You need to know, // i loved what you did with garvin looking over doctrex's shoulder, it created a great ambiance and made the characters real to me, but i was missing some action here - i marked the place with the brackets and star - some physical action of garvin would fit in the place I think, it would also pause his response a bit and then i think it would sound more natural. -> just my opinions, use or ignore :)
was silent. Then, "We don't have time, sir." // i'm not a big fan of the sentences as the one here - starting with "Then..." it can be a question of style, but you haven't been using them, so I thouhgt I'd point this one out :)
Comment Written 19-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2015
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You are so generous, Tina, with your rating. Thank you for pointing out that transition you feel would be useful. I'll take a close look at that. Your reviews are so appreciated.
Comment from write hand blue
It's such a shame Jay that I missed your previous chapters.
I could feel the tension even though I wasn't quite sure what was going on. My fault.
This is a powerful piece of writing and could end up as part of a sale-able book.
:) Mel.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2015
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It's such a shame Jay that I missed your previous chapters.
I could feel the tension even though I wasn't quite sure what was going on. My fault.
This is a powerful piece of writing and could end up as part of a sale-able book.
:) Mel.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2015
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Mel, thank you for your generous rating and your kind words. After it's completed and pared down of all its fatty tissue, I plan to send it to market and see what happens. Thanks for your help with this.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Jay, I never read any of this book, since, despite my own stories of demons from Hell, I don't read fantasies. But this chapter was fascinating, very well written with great dialogue. Now I want to konw if he gets through his illness or injuries. :)
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2015
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Jay, I never read any of this book, since, despite my own stories of demons from Hell, I don't read fantasies. But this chapter was fascinating, very well written with great dialogue. Now I want to konw if he gets through his illness or injuries. :)
Comment Written 11-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2015
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Well ... I was determined I would never read a book about beautiful women from Hell, either. And along came Phyllis. I grew to love your series. No pressure though. LOL, thanks for reading this chapter, Phyllis.
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Awwww... golly, thanks, Jay. You're a sweetheart. :)
Comment from thee-name
Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
GAVIN PROCEEDED TO THE WALL AND I TRAILED BEHIND HIM, CASTING A FINAL GLANCE BACK AT JED.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2015
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Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
GAVIN PROCEEDED TO THE WALL AND I TRAILED BEHIND HIM, CASTING A FINAL GLANCE BACK AT JED.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2015
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THanks for reading. Glad you enjoyed.
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THANK YOU!
Comment from LIJ Red
When I open a book at random in the thrift store, without knowing a bit of the
story line, I decide what I think of it. The writer's skill and style are usually obvious within a page, as is the type of story. Excellent.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2015
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When I open a book at random in the thrift store, without knowing a bit of the
story line, I decide what I think of it. The writer's skill and style are usually obvious within a page, as is the type of story. Excellent.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2015
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Whoa! Red, I cherish this. Thank you.
Comment from bob cullen
Understandably this is a tense scene but it is written superbly. The dialogue is brilliant.
Jay, I think I now know why you're such a great editor. You don't only read as an editor, you write as one. I searched to find an error and found nothing.
Your writing I so professional
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2015
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Understandably this is a tense scene but it is written superbly. The dialogue is brilliant.
Jay, I think I now know why you're such a great editor. You don't only read as an editor, you write as one. I searched to find an error and found nothing.
Your writing I so professional
Comment Written 11-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2015
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Hey, Bob. Love the glorious chartreuse cross! Glad to have you stop by. I hope you check out the remaining chapters as well.
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
Glad to see another chapter of the Trining! As usual very tight writing here. It would be really easy to be lost in the details and Doctrex's emotional pain and inner thoughts, but you took a wise course and instead allowed the action and his words to do all of that for you. The result is that everything moves along very fluidly, easily holding on to my attention. It was a pleasant change to have Doctrex crack a bit and show some emotions. He seems to be such an unemotional, unflappable guy, so to see him begin crying here was really quite affective. Hopefully they can save Jed, but I'm not so sure.
A few things:
"and lifted my hand like I was conducting an orchestra" This seems a bit too theatrical of a simile. I think it would be better if the added description was lost and you just said that he raised his hand.
"I wagged a finger toward Jed" I'm not a fan of the word "wagged" here. It's too disapproving of a word, like he's scolding Jed, which he of course isn't.
Predictably excellent stuff, Jay. And maybe it's just because this story has been on hiatus for so long, but it feels like Doctrex has been taking care of Jed for a while. It's working well now, but I think you need to bring this subplot to its conclusion soon in order to not lose the momentum you have going.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2015
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Glad to see another chapter of the Trining! As usual very tight writing here. It would be really easy to be lost in the details and Doctrex's emotional pain and inner thoughts, but you took a wise course and instead allowed the action and his words to do all of that for you. The result is that everything moves along very fluidly, easily holding on to my attention. It was a pleasant change to have Doctrex crack a bit and show some emotions. He seems to be such an unemotional, unflappable guy, so to see him begin crying here was really quite affective. Hopefully they can save Jed, but I'm not so sure.
A few things:
"and lifted my hand like I was conducting an orchestra" This seems a bit too theatrical of a simile. I think it would be better if the added description was lost and you just said that he raised his hand.
"I wagged a finger toward Jed" I'm not a fan of the word "wagged" here. It's too disapproving of a word, like he's scolding Jed, which he of course isn't.
Predictably excellent stuff, Jay. And maybe it's just because this story has been on hiatus for so long, but it feels like Doctrex has been taking care of Jed for a while. It's working well now, but I think you need to bring this subplot to its conclusion soon in order to not lose the momentum you have going.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2015
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I know what you're saying about the momentum, Sean. UNFORTUNATELY,
the paring it down will have to come in the edit. I've got two more chapters with them. Still and all, your point is well taken.
I may have to modify the orchestrating thing. I liked it, but your point has some validity.
As always ... great advice.
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Like I said, my perception may be skewed because of the hiatus, also because these chapters are broken into smaller bits. It's probable that together it wouldn't get that feeling at all.
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I was thinking about that for some time after I read it. Regular book chapters have a different pace than FS chapters. On the other hand, writing a chapter for FS means you have to make preparations for the chapter's end that you wouldn't be making for a paper chapter.
The best short story I think I ever wrote was 8,000 words. I posted it in its entirety here (about 5 years ago). I think it got two reviews, though I promoted it to the hilt--I think $1.30 a read. So that's a simple reality: short posts = more reviews.
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And that's really too bad. I did that before too, posting a story of mine in its entirety. Ideally, it should be so good that it doesn't matter the length, but I guess most people just take a glance and move on. Made me second guess the quality of my work, but I knew you can't think that way. It's just the nature of people--short attention spans for the most part.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I was very happy to get back to this chapter, Jay. I didn't feel as if I lost track, but picked up the story very quickly. This was a difficult chapter to read because of the emotion involved and the close relationship between the two main characters. I thought it was very well done, Giddy
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2015
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I was very happy to get back to this chapter, Jay. I didn't feel as if I lost track, but picked up the story very quickly. This was a difficult chapter to read because of the emotion involved and the close relationship between the two main characters. I thought it was very well done, Giddy
Comment Written 10-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2015
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Thanks, Giddy. I've heard others say what a difficult chapter it was to read. That's good, though, isn't it. I really appreciate you, my friend.
Comment from poetbear
Solid write.
Great characters and topic.
Very timely at the moment.
Great feeling and pathos.
Makes a interesting read because some will relate.
It reads well and works well.
Great write.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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Solid write.
Great characters and topic.
Very timely at the moment.
Great feeling and pathos.
Makes a interesting read because some will relate.
It reads well and works well.
Great write.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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Mady, you are so sweet with your sixes. Thank you, and for your cogent words. I get more comments about euthanasia. I was having such a hard time coming up with a title. It was not an attempt at being timely. Again... thanks!
Comment from Sam Mendonca
This was a very tense chapter. I hope you decided to let
Jed live and learn the truth.
I enjoyed reading it very much.
Is the artwork you have posted the cover of the book?
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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This was a very tense chapter. I hope you decided to let
Jed live and learn the truth.
I enjoyed reading it very much.
Is the artwork you have posted the cover of the book?
Comment Written 10-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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Thank you so much for the kind words and the 6 stars, Sam. Yes, it was tense reading and writing.
