THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "AN ELONGATED ABBREVIATION (Pt 3) "JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
22 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. You have a wonderful idea and plot here, but I am not sure you are handling this right. One BIG mistake writers make is "Telling instead of showing. You are telling this story. In order to make it work, you MUST use dialogue. Dialogue carries the story. You explain things very well but as in this paragraph...you are telling the reader...not showing by use of dialogue and descriptive action...so sorry, my friend. I know you are capable of much better.
"Horrified, Doctrex asks about the others in the front ranks; his captor describes one whose head was crushed like a melon. Doctrex asks about the well-being of the other three. His captor intends rather to taunt him."
Bob
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reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Hi, Jay. You have a wonderful idea and plot here, but I am not sure you are handling this right. One BIG mistake writers make is "Telling instead of showing. You are telling this story. In order to make it work, you MUST use dialogue. Dialogue carries the story. You explain things very well but as in this paragraph...you are telling the reader...not showing by use of dialogue and descriptive action...so sorry, my friend. I know you are capable of much better.
"Horrified, Doctrex asks about the others in the front ranks; his captor describes one whose head was crushed like a melon. Doctrex asks about the well-being of the other three. His captor intends rather to taunt him."
Bob
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Hey, Bob, thanks for reading. I know what you're referring to. It's difficult to review something from the standpoint of a summary of a book. Yet this was what it was intended to be. A sort of cliff notes, as I described it. Its purpose was to allow the people who had not read what led up to the chapters I will be posting beginning Saturday, an idea of the flow of the plot. It was for that reason I had said I hoped it wouldn't be soporific to a reader expecting to see a building of tension to a natural crisis moment. Still, Bob, I understand the difficulty of reviewing this as something other than a chapter in a novel.
I hope you have a chance to read Saturday's offering which should be more of what you are looking for.
Jay
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I know I will love it, Jay. based on this, I should have graded it higher and feel bad about that. I should have known better that it was your intent. I don't believe I have ever seen anyone go to that much trouble to bring the reader up to speed. Blessings, my friend. I will make it a five if they will let me. Bob
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Looks like they did let you, Bob, but really it wasn't necessary. To be honest with you, I realized half-way through the three-part project that I was copping out and underestimating the abilities of the readers to connect with each post as it unfolded. Once all three posted I breathed a sigh that it was behind me. Bless you, Bob.
Comment from Acquired Taste
Jay, thank you so much for this - tremendously helpful (at least for me) and, as you noted, Clif Notes - terrific things they are! I definitely don't mind the highlighting - I like to make use of it myself. Looking forward to more. Jean
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Jay, thank you so much for this - tremendously helpful (at least for me) and, as you noted, Clif Notes - terrific things they are! I definitely don't mind the highlighting - I like to make use of it myself. Looking forward to more. Jean
Comment Written 05-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Great, Jean! I'm looking forward to posting the first newly created chapter Saturday. Hope to have you aboard.
Comment from Writingfundimension
This is a good continuation of your chapter summary, Jay. I'm always impressed with how seriously you take your writing and your commitment to your fans. Admirable! :) Bev
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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This is a good continuation of your chapter summary, Jay. I'm always impressed with how seriously you take your writing and your commitment to your fans. Admirable! :) Bev
Comment Written 04-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Hey, Bev. And thanks for the fine compliment. Yes, I do want my fans to follow me through to the end. It's important to me.
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You're welcome, Jay.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
Writer extends, and words are clear, but so much, wonder, thanks, for the reminder, lots to contemplate, caught up in the process, nicely done..Walt
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2015
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Writer extends, and words are clear, but so much, wonder, thanks, for the reminder, lots to contemplate, caught up in the process, nicely done..Walt
Comment Written 04-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2015
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I wasn't expecting a 6 star rating for these, Walter (but thanks!) These are just to bring the reader up to speed since I haven't been posting the Trining for a few months. The first of the Re-created chapters will post Saturday. Thanks again.
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looking forward to Saturday, I knew, thought you did a great job, I may not respond for a it, some testing to be done.. best day out there... Walt
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Good luck with the Testing.
Comment from GracieAnn
Jay, this chapter us full of emotive situations with grief and fear. The characters lost and Doc's reaction makes him more human. Dire circumstances call for dire measures. Well done. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2015
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Jay, this chapter us full of emotive situations with grief and fear. The characters lost and Doc's reaction makes him more human. Dire circumstances call for dire measures. Well done. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 04-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2015
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Thanks, GracieAnn. The actual chapters will begin Saturday night.
Comment from thee-name
Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
THE CAPTOR GOES ON TO EXPLAIN IN GRAPHIC DETAIL HOW THEY WERE SUCCESSFULLY AMBUSHED.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2015
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Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
THE CAPTOR GOES ON TO EXPLAIN IN GRAPHIC DETAIL HOW THEY WERE SUCCESSFULLY AMBUSHED.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2015
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Thank you, Thee-name.
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THANK YOU!
Comment from Sankey
Good to be bringing all this back up to date. I recognize most of it from way back. Keep up the good work. Just one spag....begins ministering (to)him.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2015
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Good to be bringing all this back up to date. I recognize most of it from way back. Keep up the good work. Just one spag....begins ministering (to)him.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2015
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That's odd, Geoff. I had ministering to him, but remembered deciding to leave out the "to". I went back and added it. Thanks, my friend for being my eyes and ears.
Comment from Gloria ....
Hi Jay, I bring greetings, water and a sixth star to energize you on your strenuous Tour de Squires - deux jours et la récupération des fichiers X.
Just a couple of observations:
He boasts they got information so easily from the first one (captive)they questioned that the interrogators were actually disappointed. In my humble opinion you could remove a few words here and there just to lighten your load.
he admitsthat the Almighty Glnot Rhuether told him to personally escort Doctrex to him. Then he makes a feeble attempt to convince Doctrex that he was bluffing about torturing him. Some of those hitch-hiking "thats" could be given the boot too.
They place Jed on the bed next to Doctrex's, and Doctrex immediatly (immediately) begins.
Keep pedaling and pacing yourself, you've got a few days to go yet. Keep your stick on the ice, I'm rooting for ya.
Gloria
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2015
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Hi Jay, I bring greetings, water and a sixth star to energize you on your strenuous Tour de Squires - deux jours et la récupération des fichiers X.
Just a couple of observations:
He boasts they got information so easily from the first one (captive)
he admits
They place Jed on the bed next to Doctrex's, and Doctrex immediatly (immediately) begins.
Keep pedaling and pacing yourself, you've got a few days to go yet. Keep your stick on the ice, I'm rooting for ya.
Gloria
Comment Written 03-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2015
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Thank you, Gloria. You are too kind. You made some marvelous catches also. I've made all the suggested changes. You've helped make the chapter tighter. Look for the first re-created chapter soon.
Comment from royowen
I'm glad you have given a chance to catch up with the series, I've missed it while it has not been posted, I haven't missed anything, best of luck in the catchup and hope the series will be inspired with better writing than those you wrote, I lost about 200 poems, but I think my writing was better after! Well done with this one, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2015
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I'm glad you have given a chance to catch up with the series, I've missed it while it has not been posted, I haven't missed anything, best of luck in the catchup and hope the series will be inspired with better writing than those you wrote, I lost about 200 poems, but I think my writing was better after! Well done with this one, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2015
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Thanks, Roy. I should be starting the re-created chapters about Saturday or Sunday.
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Can't wait
Comment from Zue65
The chapter ends with and interesting detail that put the readers on edge. Will Jed be saved or survive his deathly condition. What is in store for Doctrex and Jed? Are those around them to be trusted anyway? These questions of course will clear up in the next chapters to come.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2015
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The chapter ends with and interesting detail that put the readers on edge. Will Jed be saved or survive his deathly condition. What is in store for Doctrex and Jed? Are those around them to be trusted anyway? These questions of course will clear up in the next chapters to come.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2015
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Thank you for reading this as a summary of chapters past, and not as a new chapter. I hope you DO continue along with my newly written and posted chapters, the first to come about Saturday or Sunday.