THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "AN ELONGATED ABBREVIATION (Pt 1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
20 total reviews
Comment from Zue65
Your ending is a come on for the readers to wait for the next and read for ourselves what is this most ambitious magical extravaganza to date that the author is talking about. It is an effective technique to keep us glued to your story.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2015
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Your ending is a come on for the readers to wait for the next and read for ourselves what is this most ambitious magical extravaganza to date that the author is talking about. It is an effective technique to keep us glued to your story.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2015
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Thank you, Nassus. Remember this is only a summary. The real chapters begin Saturday, with Cha. 20, Pt. 1. Hope you pop a big bowl of corn, grab a coke and read it.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Losing so much of your story is a writer's worst nightmare, I guess you'll take steps to make sure that doesn't happen again. You are very considerate to do this for your readers but I myself think I would have been happy just to go on. Nevertheless refresher is always good and very helpful no doubt to many, Giddy
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2015
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Losing so much of your story is a writer's worst nightmare, I guess you'll take steps to make sure that doesn't happen again. You are very considerate to do this for your readers but I myself think I would have been happy just to go on. Nevertheless refresher is always good and very helpful no doubt to many, Giddy
Comment Written 03-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2015
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Thanks for your understanding. I think I'll be gaining a few readers I wouldn't have if I hadn't written these summaries.
Comment from Sankey
Hi there well here we are again. Thanks for the update a lot of it came back to me as I read. No spags in here thank goodness. Hope I can keep up. have acquired a lot of new friends since we were going through this together before. Glad it is back! have you figured out how to get "My Kabeez" on here yet?
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2015
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Hi there well here we are again. Thanks for the update a lot of it came back to me as I read. No spags in here thank goodness. Hope I can keep up. have acquired a lot of new friends since we were going through this together before. Glad it is back! have you figured out how to get "My Kabeez" on here yet?
Comment Written 02-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2015
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Glad you liked this Geoff. It's just a kind of refresher since its been so long since I posted here. No, I can't figure how to get "My Kabeez" connected to the post.
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Did you ask Dean to help?
Comment from Writingfundimension
This is a great idea, Jay. I found it helpful and others will, as well. What this points out to me is how much has happened over the course of this novel. In other words, the sheer scope of the project. I think I'd have jumped off a bridge if I'd lost a portion as you did.
Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2015
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This is a great idea, Jay. I found it helpful and others will, as well. What this points out to me is how much has happened over the course of this novel. In other words, the sheer scope of the project. I think I'd have jumped off a bridge if I'd lost a portion as you did.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 02-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2015
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Well, remember, the scene just before the start of this chapter he, Viktor, jumped off the bridge! A coincidence? I think not! Actually, just being silly. I'm glad this is helpful to you.
Comment from krprice
Excellent synopsis.
Having been gone from 15 Jan to 25 Jan, I didn't know about your computer crash. If you hadn't learned by now, backup your writing as often as possible.
Karlene
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2015
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Excellent synopsis.
Having been gone from 15 Jan to 25 Jan, I didn't know about your computer crash. If you hadn't learned by now, backup your writing as often as possible.
Karlene
Comment Written 02-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2015
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Oh yes, I know and KNEW about backing up. When I sold insurance I was given a supply of wooden disks with TUIT written on it. When a prospect wanted to put off a purchase I would hand him one of those and say, so you'll buy from me as soon as you get around to it?" Well you just got a round tuitt. Corny, I know. But those last chapters were going to be backed up as soon as I got a round tuit.
Comment from Gloria ....
Great writing, Jay. There is a lot of information to process for this new kid in on the story. Your synopsis is crisp, lean and really helpful in understanding what has already gone down. It will take me a few chapters to get a real feel for Doctrex. But so far, so good. I've got my ticket on The Trining train and I ain't even drowsy at all. :)
Just a couple of nits:
he is a truly a brute, (one extra a) harvested for killing.
With mass histeria (hysteria) rampant in the camp, that imaginary foray
indemic (endemic) only to the southern province.
Now I am off to read and review, Part Two.
Gloria
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2015
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Great writing, Jay. There is a lot of information to process for this new kid in on the story. Your synopsis is crisp, lean and really helpful in understanding what has already gone down. It will take me a few chapters to get a real feel for Doctrex. But so far, so good. I've got my ticket on The Trining train and I ain't even drowsy at all. :)
Just a couple of nits:
he is a truly a brute, (one extra a) harvested for killing.
With mass histeria (hysteria) rampant in the camp, that imaginary foray
indemic (endemic) only to the southern province.
Now I am off to read and review, Part Two.
Gloria
Comment Written 02-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2015
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What some marvelous catches, Gloria! The extra "a" I understand, since I changed the structure of the sentence and forgot to remove it. The misspellings I am blushing over. Thank you so much by allowing me to keep my embarrassment confined to just the two of us. Keeping this genius illusion unbroken is like keeping all the plates spinning on their respective poles. LOL, thank you, my dear. I appreciate you more than you know.
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Aw, shucks, You're making me blush. Just don't ever hope to get any comma corrections out of me, because I started the EACS, which is an acronym for Eradicate All Commas Society. So far, I'm the only member, even though I've been peddling free memberships absolutely everywhere. :)
I appreciate you too and your secret's safe with me.
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
As you said, a little dry but it serves its purpose by abbreviating your story and getting the uninitiated up to speed. I also liked you how you ended this bit on a cliffhanger of sorts to get them interested in seeing what happens next. The best advice I can grant is that I think you should spend a little more time building up your appendix. It's a little spare when it comes to explaining terms and the general lore of your world. For example, there's no entry for an AIM, nothing to explain fire eggs, the explanation of a crossan is a little bit lacking. I think that more than anything will help the noobies be informed.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2015
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As you said, a little dry but it serves its purpose by abbreviating your story and getting the uninitiated up to speed. I also liked you how you ended this bit on a cliffhanger of sorts to get them interested in seeing what happens next. The best advice I can grant is that I think you should spend a little more time building up your appendix. It's a little spare when it comes to explaining terms and the general lore of your world. For example, there's no entry for an AIM, nothing to explain fire eggs, the explanation of a crossan is a little bit lacking. I think that more than anything will help the noobies be informed.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2015
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Of course you are right, Sean. I just want to get the damned thing finished so I can get on with the chapters. This was designed to be placed in my portfolio (or on the noobie's "bookshelf" for reference when reading the chapters. I did include AIM since it was referenced in the first part. I don't believe crossan was, though it becomes a part of the second part.
Comment from ravenblack
Thank you for providing such a thorough summation for we newcomers. A psychic war concomitant with an actual physical war- a fascinating premise.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2015
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Thank you for providing such a thorough summation for we newcomers. A psychic war concomitant with an actual physical war- a fascinating premise.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2015
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Thanks, Ed. Surprised to see you here, your being a poet and not that much into FS prose. You're welcome to come along. I'd love to have you along.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Jay,
Good idea to give us a recap. It should help a lot.
I'm glad to see my Doctrex is back! (*<*)
~~ This is confusing: his is flustered
Do you mean: he is flustered?
When Braims comes to Doctrex's tent with the result of his examination, his is flustered.
Bring on the troops.
Don't forget to backup your backup.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2015
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Hi, Jay,
Good idea to give us a recap. It should help a lot.
I'm glad to see my Doctrex is back! (*<*)
~~ This is confusing: his is flustered
Do you mean: he is flustered?
When Braims comes to Doctrex's tent with the result of his examination, his is flustered.
Bring on the troops.
Don't forget to backup your backup.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 01-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2015
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How did you find that nit? I thought I hid it so well. Seriously, all the times I read that I can't believe that slipped by. Thanks, my friend.
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I think that's what happens. I read mine soooo many times before I post it, and still you catch me!
It's always easier to spot someone else's boo boos anyway. Has something to do with Murphy, I think. (*<*)
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Damn Murphy!
Comment from Dashjianta
Ooo! Shiny ones! (If you're unfamiliar with Baldur's Gate, that's what the imp used to say when someone brought him a new treasure.)
It's a good recap--I don't think you've missed anything out that I can remember. Perhaps when you mention the phantom bird you could specify that it was Arz Makel's head it was holding, but apart from that it's all there.
I picked up a couple of things that stuck out at me in the suggestions--if you want me to give it a closer going over let me know and I'll take a more detailed look for you.
Nits:
He hears: "One will die for every three men who fall.
--The " monster has come out to play again. Need to take away the stray or put in its friend.
One, (by?) the name of Gotzel, confesses
he has the brothers take role for theirs and Engle and another soldier ( )take role from his troops.
--There's an extra space where the empty brackets are.
Advance Intelligent (Intelligence?) Man, Arz Makel
Suggestions:
Doctrex's troops arrive to find the weary, but elated, brothers who had successfully defended their camp against the Pomnots, and one of the dead brutes had been dragged into camp and was ready to be examined.
--This sentence is a bit clunky. Quick fix would be to change 'had been dragged' to 'who has been dragged', although to keep tense consistent, have/has in place of 'had' would flow better.
--There are a couple of times when 'he' you refer to could be either of the people involved. The first example, it might just have been the way I read if first time, but I did pause at the 'he' after 'but' for a moment:
"He privately interviews Zurn and determines that he fully knew he was deserting when he concealed himself among his brothers' troops as they left. But he felt he had to be there..."--joining the two sentences together, and killing the 'he' after 'but' would fix it.
--In the second example, 'he' at the start of the second sentence could be read as Doctrex or Giln:
"That night, he hears Giln outside his tent calling his name. He and Sheleck go in."--Maybe go with 'He invites Giln and Sheleck in' to avoid the issue?
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2015
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Ooo! Shiny ones! (If you're unfamiliar with Baldur's Gate, that's what the imp used to say when someone brought him a new treasure.)
It's a good recap--I don't think you've missed anything out that I can remember. Perhaps when you mention the phantom bird you could specify that it was Arz Makel's head it was holding, but apart from that it's all there.
I picked up a couple of things that stuck out at me in the suggestions--if you want me to give it a closer going over let me know and I'll take a more detailed look for you.
Nits:
He hears: "One will die for every three men who fall.
--The " monster has come out to play again. Need to take away the stray or put in its friend.
One, (by?) the name of Gotzel, confesses
he has the brothers take role for theirs and Engle and another soldier ( )take role from his troops.
--There's an extra space where the empty brackets are.
Advance Intelligent (Intelligence?) Man, Arz Makel
Suggestions:
Doctrex's troops arrive to find the weary, but elated, brothers who had successfully defended their camp against the Pomnots, and one of the dead brutes had been dragged into camp and was ready to be examined.
--This sentence is a bit clunky. Quick fix would be to change 'had been dragged' to 'who has been dragged', although to keep tense consistent, have/has in place of 'had' would flow better.
--There are a couple of times when 'he' you refer to could be either of the people involved. The first example, it might just have been the way I read if first time, but I did pause at the 'he' after 'but' for a moment:
"He privately interviews Zurn and determines that he fully knew he was deserting when he concealed himself among his brothers' troops as they left. But he felt he had to be there..."--joining the two sentences together, and killing the 'he' after 'but' would fix it.
--In the second example, 'he' at the start of the second sentence could be read as Doctrex or Giln:
"That night, he hears Giln outside his tent calling his name. He and Sheleck go in."--Maybe go with 'He invites Giln and Sheleck in' to avoid the issue?
Comment Written 01-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2015
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Thank you for your encouraging, kind review. Time, and the kind reviewers on FS will tell.
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You are wonderful, Alex. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to summarize while converting it into the present tense. Whoa! Your advice is so helpful. But, no, you needn't do more. I've made most of the changes. I want to get this review finished before I go (I'm late for church) but I just want to thank you again, SO MUCH.
I had to change the one suggestion to "Advance Intelligent Men's Arz Makel's head." Does that sound right?
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Should it be 'Advance Intelligent MAN's' or is the title plural regardless?
Yep, it's quite a challenge compressing it all and switching to present tense. Gets easier(ish) with practise though.
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Oops--that'll teach me to reply when busy. It should be "Advance Intelligent Man Arz Makel's head." No possessive on his rank.
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Or the way you've got it's right too, as he belongs to the group of AIMs (err, how long did that take me to twig? Doh! And it won't even let me edit my reply to hide my slowness.)
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haha ... you slow?
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Do you think I should do a summary of all three books? I had started, and got about 1/3 the way through book one before I saw what a task that would be and decided on doing just book III. I still have that portion of part I.
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I think a summary of all the books will be worth doing BUT only if it's not going to take you away from creating new work AND it's going to be of benefit to you ie. if you think doing the summary will help you get all the plot lines straight in your head for the last of the third book.
If it's purely for FS it MIGHT cause some confusion if someone new reads this summary, then the ones for books 1 and 2 afterwards. Not that it should, but not everyone pays attention to the intro/notes.
If you get stuck creatively, definitely do it then, because it'll give you direction, uses a different type of creativity and might jog the stuck bit unstuck.
So...uh...yes. Do it, but when it's the right time for you to do it.
