Striking Up a Conversation
A contest entry29 total reviews
Comment from S.M.E.Schultz
Great natural conversation and nice flow. I would have tried to keep the conversation in the first person because the opening sentence has the protagonist speaking. You made Zach's anxiety and disappointment very clear through his dialogue and didn't need a physical description to enhance it. Very good relationship development in the dialogue as well.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2015
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Great natural conversation and nice flow. I would have tried to keep the conversation in the first person because the opening sentence has the protagonist speaking. You made Zach's anxiety and disappointment very clear through his dialogue and didn't need a physical description to enhance it. Very good relationship development in the dialogue as well.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2015
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The first sentence is contest required, so I added (* * * * ) to break it up. Thanks for the review. Always appreciated.
Comment from Kausar_Javeria
Hello there~!
Ah! That's some real fine advice there! This is the best entry I've seen. And such a nicely-written self-improvement work! Perfect for kids and everybody else!
Good Luck!
JazakAllah Khair~!
(God Bless~!)
(^_^)-<~~KAUSAR~~>-(^_^)
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2015
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Hello there~!
Ah! That's some real fine advice there! This is the best entry I've seen. And such a nicely-written self-improvement work! Perfect for kids and everybody else!
Good Luck!
JazakAllah Khair~!
(God Bless~!)
(^_^)-<~~KAUSAR~~>-(^_^)
Comment Written 05-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2015
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Thank you, Kausar, I appreciate you stopping by.
Comment from Zue65
Wow, your kids are very very lucky with the kind of parents they have. We can seldom find your breed at this age when relationship is the least concern of people whose time is devoted more in getting money and food on the table. I learned a lot in the dialogue you had with your son, that is the essence of parenthood to the max. I hope more people like you should be invited in Parenting seminars and learn from the wealth of experience you have in raising children the right way. Thanks a bunch for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2015
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Wow, your kids are very very lucky with the kind of parents they have. We can seldom find your breed at this age when relationship is the least concern of people whose time is devoted more in getting money and food on the table. I learned a lot in the dialogue you had with your son, that is the essence of parenthood to the max. I hope more people like you should be invited in Parenting seminars and learn from the wealth of experience you have in raising children the right way. Thanks a bunch for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2015
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Thank you, nassus. Your words has given me a smile from ear to ear. I am grateful for everything you said. This has to be one of the best reviews I've ever received here on FS.
Much appreciated, John
Comment from LIJ Red
I've been haunted by news items about the dismal state of the American family.
Your story is a excellent flash of the seldom seen other side of the coin-and smoothly written at that.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2015
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I've been haunted by news items about the dismal state of the American family.
Your story is a excellent flash of the seldom seen other side of the coin-and smoothly written at that.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2015
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Thank you very much, LIJ, your review is kindly appreciated.
Comment from chasennov
A contest entry "Striking Up a Conversation" A very good way to be; starting up a conversation. Some kids don't take advice, id yours do, that I reckon is a bonus. Well done.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2015
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A contest entry "Striking Up a Conversation" A very good way to be; starting up a conversation. Some kids don't take advice, id yours do, that I reckon is a bonus. Well done.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2015
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chasenov, thank you very much for a great review. Always appreciated.
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You are most welcome.
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
This is a heart-warming interaction between father and son, with a very good lesson thrown in to-boot. I like the way this father kept his cool and didn't simply tell his son to 'get over it' as many do.
One thing I noticed:
'The cold air on my face...' You start the story off writing in first person singular. But a little later I read a line of thought coming from the father's POV - 'I gotta build his confidence, quick.' If the story is in POV of the son, how could he know what his father is thinking? You do it again later with this comment: 'It took clear judgement not to bust out laughing at the serious face his son put on.' Again, change of POV. You need to make it one or the other. I would suggest it should be written in the father's POV.
Anthony
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2015
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This is a heart-warming interaction between father and son, with a very good lesson thrown in to-boot. I like the way this father kept his cool and didn't simply tell his son to 'get over it' as many do.
One thing I noticed:
'The cold air on my face...' You start the story off writing in first person singular. But a little later I read a line of thought coming from the father's POV - 'I gotta build his confidence, quick.' If the story is in POV of the son, how could he know what his father is thinking? You do it again later with this comment: 'It took clear judgement not to bust out laughing at the serious face his son put on.' Again, change of POV. You need to make it one or the other. I would suggest it should be written in the father's POV.
Anthony
Comment Written 04-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2015
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AC, thank you for the great review. I appreciate your stopping by to read and review.
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My pleasure
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello mystery writer,
You had me completely engaged in this touching dialogue between father and son.
Best wishes for the contest.
Happy New Year.
Sonali
other hits come now at the end instead(?)
his hands like he (was) being arrested."Uh
Hah. You think you're funny do you(?)"
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Hello mystery writer,
You had me completely engaged in this touching dialogue between father and son.
Best wishes for the contest.
Happy New Year.
Sonali
other hits come now at the end instead(?)
his hands like he (was) being arrested."Uh
Hah. You think you're funny do you(?)"
Comment Written 04-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Thank you, Sonali. I appreciate your stopping by to read and review. I appreciate those corrections. Much obliged.
Comment from Spitfire
Excellent dialogue. This would make a neat one minute play (there are such things.) You changed from first person POV in line on third person the rest of your story. I would suggest:
The cold air did nothing to ease the heat Zach felt
from striking out ... with the bases loaded!
"Dad, I suck. Why do I play? We lost the game 'cause I STRUCK OUT." Zach complained while they walked to their car.
I love the relationship between these two and the parenting skills of the father. Wonderful use of logic as in a Socratic dialogue.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2015
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Excellent dialogue. This would make a neat one minute play (there are such things.) You changed from first person POV in line on third person the rest of your story. I would suggest:
The cold air did nothing to ease the heat Zach felt
from striking out ... with the bases loaded!
"Dad, I suck. Why do I play? We lost the game 'cause I STRUCK OUT." Zach complained while they walked to their car.
I love the relationship between these two and the parenting skills of the father. Wonderful use of logic as in a Socratic dialogue.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2015
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I can't change the line because it's contest stipulated. Maybe I'll break it from the story with a few of these, ****.
Thank you for the great review. I appreciate you reading and sharing with me.
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You're right. I just checked that out.
Comment from adewpearl
You'll get'em next time, son - add comma for direct address
you set the stage well and introduce your main characters well
excellent natural-sounding dialogue
a lot more then three thousand hits - than
Yea, but in base - Yeah
Hey, dad, let me ask - Dad
love the dialogue and the way the dad reassures his son and teaches him not to set an impossibly high bar lest he always be disappointed in himself
Brooke
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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You'll get'em next time, son - add comma for direct address
you set the stage well and introduce your main characters well
excellent natural-sounding dialogue
a lot more then three thousand hits - than
Yea, but in base - Yeah
Hey, dad, let me ask - Dad
love the dialogue and the way the dad reassures his son and teaches him not to set an impossibly high bar lest he always be disappointed in himself
Brooke
Comment Written 04-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Thank you, Brooke, for stopping by to read and for those corrections. Always appreciated. You know who...
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
This is a good contest entry for This Sentence Starts the Story. How
often we forget the good plays we make in sports and only
remember the mistakes we made. This father did an excellent
job of helping his son through this.
I noted some spags for you below. You may want to correct them
before the contest judging. Good luck in the contest.
Jan
your right on target >>> you're right on target
then it's okay if I do to." >>> then it's okay if I do, too."
the cars a rotten egg. >>> the car's a rotten egg.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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This is a good contest entry for This Sentence Starts the Story. How
often we forget the good plays we make in sports and only
remember the mistakes we made. This father did an excellent
job of helping his son through this.
I noted some spags for you below. You may want to correct them
before the contest judging. Good luck in the contest.
Jan
your right on target >>> you're right on target
then it's okay if I do to." >>> then it's okay if I do, too."
the cars a rotten egg. >>> the car's a rotten egg.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Thank you for the spags. I corrected them. I appreciate your stopping by to read and review.
