Sometimes Roses, Sometimes Thorns
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Lover's Orchestration"A collection of sonnets
8 total reviews
Comment from nordicgirl
This is exquisite. Wow! A perfect sustained clearly understood metaphor. This may be the best sonnet I have ever read. It is thrilling to read something this good.
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This is exquisite. Wow! A perfect sustained clearly understood metaphor. This may be the best sonnet I have ever read. It is thrilling to read something this good.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2014
Comment from Domino 2
Unique and very entertaining orchestra theme with depth of meaning for each instrument so well expressed.
I'd suggest commas after 'breathless' in 2nd line, after 'boldness' in 5th line, after 'doubt' in 10th line.
Top word choices.
Top enjambment, meter and rhymes.
Excellent love sonnet with inventive associated musical metaphors.
Cheers, Ray
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2014
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Unique and very entertaining orchestra theme with depth of meaning for each instrument so well expressed.
I'd suggest commas after 'breathless' in 2nd line, after 'boldness' in 5th line, after 'doubt' in 10th line.
Top word choices.
Top enjambment, meter and rhymes.
Excellent love sonnet with inventive associated musical metaphors.
Cheers, Ray
Comment Written 13-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2014
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I'm delighted you like it. Those were perfect improvements. I can't believe how much better it reads with the commas. Thanks for the great tips. :)
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No probs, and I'm so pleased you found my suggs helpful.
Commas are tricky so n so's, and I don't pretend to be any expert, so I'm glad you agree.
Ray
Comment from mfowler
This could well be the affair between two orchestral musicians.
I like the originality of the musical theme, the clever insertion of terms, and the way it's concisely conveyed throughout all stages of the sonnet.
Your structure is very good, with the turn in the third verse well staged.
The imagery of romance to the equivalent of music is cleverly placed. Really liked:
We kiss in quiet measures, my heart sings,
our lips in thrilling tremolo at play....can picture that.
Your closing couplet is excellent and gives hope.
I thought you used enjambment effectively to give the poem great flow.
Good luck in the final vote.
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This could well be the affair between two orchestral musicians.
I like the originality of the musical theme, the clever insertion of terms, and the way it's concisely conveyed throughout all stages of the sonnet.
Your structure is very good, with the turn in the third verse well staged.
The imagery of romance to the equivalent of music is cleverly placed. Really liked:
We kiss in quiet measures, my heart sings,
our lips in thrilling tremolo at play....can picture that.
Your closing couplet is excellent and gives hope.
I thought you used enjambment effectively to give the poem great flow.
Good luck in the final vote.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2014
Comment from ProSongwriter
Hi!
This is an excellent example of a sonnet. This one spoke to me personally on a professional level. I am a professional songwriter/musician/vocalist. Almost every line used a musical metaphor and did so in perfect prosody to the subject matter.
Music, as is love, is an international means of communication ... a language of sorts. Your word choices are excellent and you stuck to a very tight structure without making it sound monolithic. It flows freely with no suggestion of having been contrived for the sake of rhyme.
Very nicely done ... I really enjoyed this!
Wishing you well and a terrific Christmas.
Alan
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Hi!
This is an excellent example of a sonnet. This one spoke to me personally on a professional level. I am a professional songwriter/musician/vocalist. Almost every line used a musical metaphor and did so in perfect prosody to the subject matter.
Music, as is love, is an international means of communication ... a language of sorts. Your word choices are excellent and you stuck to a very tight structure without making it sound monolithic. It flows freely with no suggestion of having been contrived for the sake of rhyme.
Very nicely done ... I really enjoyed this!
Wishing you well and a terrific Christmas.
Alan
Comment Written 12-Dec-2014
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is a beautiful symphony of a sonnet, the course of the lovers through musical formats that change in each stanza, great imagery presented in these words. I love the picture choice. good luck in the contest...
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this is a beautiful symphony of a sonnet, the course of the lovers through musical formats that change in each stanza, great imagery presented in these words. I love the picture choice. good luck in the contest...
Comment Written 12-Dec-2014
Comment from Nosha17
The harmony between the notes of the two instruments are like a pair of lovers blending together. Excellent imagery and rhyming and good use of descriptive language. The personification of the musical instruments befits the tone of a sonnet well. Good luck in the contest. Faye
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The harmony between the notes of the two instruments are like a pair of lovers blending together. Excellent imagery and rhyming and good use of descriptive language. The personification of the musical instruments befits the tone of a sonnet well. Good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 12-Dec-2014
Comment from RodG
Yes, even without notes you succeeded beautifully here. A wonderful extended metaphor of two lovers finding music in one another. I really like how you I inserted those "foreign" terms in a manner that allowed the reader to surmise what they meant and not go far astray. Very original and crafted flawlessly.
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Yes, even without notes you succeeded beautifully here. A wonderful extended metaphor of two lovers finding music in one another. I really like how you I inserted those "foreign" terms in a manner that allowed the reader to surmise what they meant and not go far astray. Very original and crafted flawlessly.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2014
Comment from kiwisteveh
Must have been a very short deadline for this - sadly I see only to entries so far.
This is a very strong sonnet - the extended metaphor of the act of love as an orchestral piece works well. Rhyme and meter are great with one possible exception (see below). Good volta and nice conclusion.
A couple of things that trouble me - one is punctuation. There's not enough of it and at least two of the commas you do use are in strange places. Let me see:
Capital to start
comma or semicolon at the end of line 1
Period at the end of line 2
Comma after solfeggietto and again after sing
Comma end of line 4
Period end of line 5
Period end of line 8
Remove the comma after but - something needed at the end of that line.
Comma end of line 11
Period end of line 12
Remove the comma after yet
Period at the end.
Phew!
I am troubled by solfeggietto, too. It is more obscure than the other musical terms you use and only serious musicians will understand it - a big hiccup for most readers of your poem As well, I suspect correct pronunciation would give it five syllables, although I can see how slightly sloppy pronunciation might allow four.
You SHOULD fix the punctuation and I wish you would reconsider solfeggietto then you would have a wonderful piece worthy of being a contest winner.
Steve
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2014
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Must have been a very short deadline for this - sadly I see only to entries so far.
This is a very strong sonnet - the extended metaphor of the act of love as an orchestral piece works well. Rhyme and meter are great with one possible exception (see below). Good volta and nice conclusion.
A couple of things that trouble me - one is punctuation. There's not enough of it and at least two of the commas you do use are in strange places. Let me see:
Capital to start
comma or semicolon at the end of line 1
Period at the end of line 2
Comma after solfeggietto and again after sing
Comma end of line 4
Period end of line 5
Period end of line 8
Remove the comma after but - something needed at the end of that line.
Comma end of line 11
Period end of line 12
Remove the comma after yet
Period at the end.
Phew!
I am troubled by solfeggietto, too. It is more obscure than the other musical terms you use and only serious musicians will understand it - a big hiccup for most readers of your poem As well, I suspect correct pronunciation would give it five syllables, although I can see how slightly sloppy pronunciation might allow four.
You SHOULD fix the punctuation and I wish you would reconsider solfeggietto then you would have a wonderful piece worthy of being a contest winner.
Steve
Comment Written 12-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2014
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Jeez, I didn't hardly punctuate it at all. In a hurry and brain lapse. Thank you so much for the help with that. I am not good at it, yet. You're right, that word has to go. I have the feeling you are correct on the pronunciation too. Yes, I've always heard it "jetto" at the end. I'll bet the committee looks it up to be correct by the book. I hate when people throw in words like that. Ha! Glad you called me on it. Thanks for the great help. Yes, I wish there were more contestants. I just see it as a way to force myself to practice.
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So very much better. I can't thank you enough!!
