THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "DON'T GIVE UP ON JED! (Pt 1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
28 total reviews
Comment from jaeladarling
Glad to see Jed alive, even though he's in such horrible shape! They really got trampled. I need to go work on my own stuff now, but I'm anxious to get to the next chapter!
Just a couple things:
"His right cheekbone was swollen to twice its size, the skin" (Change the comma to a semicolon.)
"He started to leave, but first" (No comma)
"for the wounds and he" (Comma after "wounds")
"blurred out I was aware" (Comma after "out")
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Glad to see Jed alive, even though he's in such horrible shape! They really got trampled. I need to go work on my own stuff now, but I'm anxious to get to the next chapter!
Just a couple things:
"His right cheekbone was swollen to twice its size, the skin" (Change the comma to a semicolon.)
"He started to leave, but first" (No comma)
"for the wounds and he" (Comma after "wounds")
"blurred out I was aware" (Comma after "out")
Comment Written 04-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Dang it, Jaela! I got rid of the comma's after "but" and "and"; now you're telling me I need one BEFORE the and in one case, and don't need it before the "but" in another. What I thought I understood, I find I have no inkling of. Oy vey! But it will get better!
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Oh see, here's the thing: you have two independent clauses (complete sentences) separated with the "and", so you need one there. You do NOT have two independent clauses with the "but" - you are essentially telling us the subject did two things. Now, if you had "He started to leave, but first he" - then you WOULD have two independent clauses, and you would need the comma to separate them. Clear as mud? :)
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No, it makes perfect sense now. We'll see if it does tomorrow. Thanks.
Comment from Tina McKala
hmmm, very poignant chapter, though i still not fully understand what is going on on the background of what we see, what is the politics. i hope i will fnd out soon, but it is also good to make me wonder and guess and read on,so no complaints here - unless it is not intentional ;-)
no suggestions this time. the description of jed's wounds was very raw, but still decent, you found the right balance between showing us what they did to him, the severity of it, and making it a smooth read. quite an accomplishement!
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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hmmm, very poignant chapter, though i still not fully understand what is going on on the background of what we see, what is the politics. i hope i will fnd out soon, but it is also good to make me wonder and guess and read on,so no complaints here - unless it is not intentional ;-)
no suggestions this time. the description of jed's wounds was very raw, but still decent, you found the right balance between showing us what they did to him, the severity of it, and making it a smooth read. quite an accomplishement!
Comment Written 24-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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Appreciate the comments, particularly about my holding back on the description of Jed's wounds. I think one gets enough of that on the prime time crime series on tv.
Comment from padumachitta
Hey Jay...I promised to back read...and so here I am. I will take the liberty of cut and paste...and comment only if I see something glaring to fix.
Otherwise, you can assume, I like it(you know this already)...
and I can just sit back and enjoy the read...padumachitta
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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Hey Jay...I promised to back read...and so here I am. I will take the liberty of cut and paste...and comment only if I see something glaring to fix.
Otherwise, you can assume, I like it(you know this already)...
and I can just sit back and enjoy the read...padumachitta
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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This is getting pretty close to as far as I got. I'll be staring tonight the arduous task of recreating the chapters.
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
I read your your note in your latest chapter before realizing this one came first. I'm really sorry, Jay! That's horrible luck. Is there any hope that you can recover your lost files?
More great stuff here, you have a real ear for dialogue. With every chapter I'm finding Zarbs to be more of a buffoon than ever. I'm interested to see where you go with his character, he has a lot of potential. I'm eagerly anticipating Doctrex's meeting with Rhuether. Doctrex has a sharp mind, I would love to see some conversation between the two.
A few things:
"Zarbs adopted a cocked-head look of puzzlement." Is a little awkward. How about: "Zarbs cocked his head in puzzlement." Or "Puzzled, Zarbs cocked his head." I think either read more clearly.
Karule's death was extremely sudden. Last chapter, I thought he just passed out. Poor guy. I think Doctrex was a little hasty in proclaiming him dead. Maybe just a brief sentence about how his fingers were laid on his throat to feel for a pulse?
Yes, sir. And ... the other?" He glanced down at Karule.
"He is ... dead. I want you to treat his body with respect. I'll want it and the other body that died under your soldiers' torture together."
Before "He is ... dead." I would maybe write: "The pads of my fingers were pressed lightly against Karule's throat. Nothing."
As ever, good work, Jay! And best of luck recovering your lost files.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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I read your your note in your latest chapter before realizing this one came first. I'm really sorry, Jay! That's horrible luck. Is there any hope that you can recover your lost files?
More great stuff here, you have a real ear for dialogue. With every chapter I'm finding Zarbs to be more of a buffoon than ever. I'm interested to see where you go with his character, he has a lot of potential. I'm eagerly anticipating Doctrex's meeting with Rhuether. Doctrex has a sharp mind, I would love to see some conversation between the two.
A few things:
"Zarbs adopted a cocked-head look of puzzlement." Is a little awkward. How about: "Zarbs cocked his head in puzzlement." Or "Puzzled, Zarbs cocked his head." I think either read more clearly.
Karule's death was extremely sudden. Last chapter, I thought he just passed out. Poor guy. I think Doctrex was a little hasty in proclaiming him dead. Maybe just a brief sentence about how his fingers were laid on his throat to feel for a pulse?
Yes, sir. And ... the other?" He glanced down at Karule.
"He is ... dead. I want you to treat his body with respect. I'll want it and the other body that died under your soldiers' torture together."
Before "He is ... dead." I would maybe write: "The pads of my fingers were pressed lightly against Karule's throat. Nothing."
As ever, good work, Jay! And best of luck recovering your lost files.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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No, the lost chapters are gone for good. At first I thought I lost the entire book, but I had backed up Scrivener (which I use for creating) all at once one time and so kept all but the last 10 or so chapters. That's how stupid people learn. I should back up everything several times a day. I'll look into having Doctrex confirm his death. You're right. He'd never forgive himself if Karule had merely fainted and Doctrex turned him back to the butchers. Thanks, Sean!
Comment from Fridayauthor
Very good chapter, Jay. There was just enough of logical dialog to convey the story without a lot of extra words.
I have no negative comments whatsoever!
Nice job.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2014
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Very good chapter, Jay. There was just enough of logical dialog to convey the story without a lot of extra words.
I have no negative comments whatsoever!
Nice job.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2014
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Thank you, Ray. Wow! No constructive criticism? I refuse to consider anything you say as a negative comment. But I do appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Oh, this torture is so hard to read Jay. You certainly have a way of describing situations that put the reader right there in the room. Thank goodness this is fiction, because it's very convincing! Giddy
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2014
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Oh, this torture is so hard to read Jay. You certainly have a way of describing situations that put the reader right there in the room. Thank goodness this is fiction, because it's very convincing! Giddy
Comment Written 01-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2014
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Well, you couldn't have said anything to make this writer puff up more than that (How's that for a sentence?) Thank you so much, Giddy.
Comment from Twilightspire
Oh my sweet god, what have they done to Jed? They stole everything from him, his life, his dignity, even his unnatural perception. The medic will have to work double time to get him good-to-go. What a horrible thing to have happened to such a man.
You have done an amazing job making a character that we are this invested in and to see him fall so low really pulls at the heartstrings. Excellent work on this chapter, my friend and I'm glad to see we didn't have to wait as long as I feared.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Oh my sweet god, what have they done to Jed? They stole everything from him, his life, his dignity, even his unnatural perception. The medic will have to work double time to get him good-to-go. What a horrible thing to have happened to such a man.
You have done an amazing job making a character that we are this invested in and to see him fall so low really pulls at the heartstrings. Excellent work on this chapter, my friend and I'm glad to see we didn't have to wait as long as I feared.
-T.J.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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You are kind, as usual, TJ. Thanks for the sixer. You have a way of getting into the characters and feel an uncanny empathy for their condition.
Comment from boxergirl
Another interesting continuation of your story line, Jay. Doctrex has sent for the two soldiers who were tortured and has the medic there trying to find a way to bring them back. He learns that the medic had not previously seen the two men.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Another interesting continuation of your story line, Jay. Doctrex has sent for the two soldiers who were tortured and has the medic there trying to find a way to bring them back. He learns that the medic had not previously seen the two men.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Thanks, boxergirl! Now, it's all in getting Jed well.
Comment from JackiO
Ugh kill Zarbs slowly already, his attempts at mopping up his mess are annoying!
I really hop Doctrex gets to have a decent go at him.
Missed your writing!
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Ugh kill Zarbs slowly already, his attempts at mopping up his mess are annoying!
I really hop Doctrex gets to have a decent go at him.
Missed your writing!
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Thanks, JackiO, for your input. I always enjoy a truly visceral response the reader gets for a character.
Comment from lancellot
Very good on the internal, and external dialogue. A good job on the General's control of his emotions and his need to attend to the mater at hand. Recriminations later.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Very good on the internal, and external dialogue. A good job on the General's control of his emotions and his need to attend to the mater at hand. Recriminations later.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014
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Thank you lancellot for your kind words and your incisive reading.
