THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "SLEEP TIGHT, GENERAL DOCTREX (PT 1) "JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
29 total reviews
Comment from jaeladarling
Woo, now I'm really intrigued! What is this change in behavior? Now he's crying?? I've gotta find out what happens next!
A few more nits for this one. I'm actually glad that really the only things I'm finding are comma issues. I've gone through some whoppers that take FOREVER to get through because of all the technical errors. With this one, I'm able to enjoy the story as I go, and stopping once in a while for a comma here and there doesn't deter the flow. So thanks for the diligence :)
"My breathing stormed my ears and my exhale" (Comma after "ears")
"Add to it all, a cramping at the back of my neck!" (No comma)
"I was following your orders Supreme Colonel Zarbs." (Comma after "orders")
"And, you two--lower him down." (No comma)
"I tried to keep my eyes open, but couldn't." (No comma)
"but my arms hung down and occasionally" (Comma after "down")
"I detected a blur of movement at the door and when" (Comma after "door")
"Your bath is ready General Doctrex." (Comma after "ready")
"Her intent was obvious and her" (Comma after "obvious")
"Within two minutes Zarbs stuck" (Comma after "minutes")
"I'm sure they have." (The period should be a comma.)
"but it was twitchy and his eyes" (Comma after "twitchy")
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Woo, now I'm really intrigued! What is this change in behavior? Now he's crying?? I've gotta find out what happens next!
A few more nits for this one. I'm actually glad that really the only things I'm finding are comma issues. I've gone through some whoppers that take FOREVER to get through because of all the technical errors. With this one, I'm able to enjoy the story as I go, and stopping once in a while for a comma here and there doesn't deter the flow. So thanks for the diligence :)
"My breathing stormed my ears and my exhale" (Comma after "ears")
"Add to it all, a cramping at the back of my neck!" (No comma)
"I was following your orders Supreme Colonel Zarbs." (Comma after "orders")
"And, you two--lower him down." (No comma)
"I tried to keep my eyes open, but couldn't." (No comma)
"but my arms hung down and occasionally" (Comma after "down")
"I detected a blur of movement at the door and when" (Comma after "door")
"Your bath is ready General Doctrex." (Comma after "ready")
"Her intent was obvious and her" (Comma after "obvious")
"Within two minutes Zarbs stuck" (Comma after "minutes")
"I'm sure they have." (The period should be a comma.)
"but it was twitchy and his eyes" (Comma after "twitchy")
Comment Written 04-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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I will get the comma thing under control. I will get the comma thing under control. I will ...
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LOL!
Comment from Tina McKala
did glnot say that they are brothers and everybody should treat him like that?
the tortuting scene - when he slept - was so good, the description of him finding out where he was was one of your finest, i totally loved it! you really created that tiny space around me. you have a great finish of this novel, a fast pace, high tension, intelligent enemy. very good job!
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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did glnot say that they are brothers and everybody should treat him like that?
the tortuting scene - when he slept - was so good, the description of him finding out where he was was one of your finest, i totally loved it! you really created that tiny space around me. you have a great finish of this novel, a fast pace, high tension, intelligent enemy. very good job!
Comment Written 24-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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"did glnot say that they are brothers and everybody should treat him like that?" I don't know ... was that my quote? or a question? Hmmm, that would be a strange thing for Glnot to say. You and I were the only two who really liked the created claustrophobia. It was hard to write since I'm claustrophobic.
Comment from padumachitta
Hey Jay...I promised to back read...and so here I am. I will take the liberty of cut and paste...and comment only if I see something glaring to fix.
Otherwise, you can assume, I like it(you know this already)...
and I can just sit back and enjoy the read...padumachitta
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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Hey Jay...I promised to back read...and so here I am. I will take the liberty of cut and paste...and comment only if I see something glaring to fix.
Otherwise, you can assume, I like it(you know this already)...
and I can just sit back and enjoy the read...padumachitta
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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Thanks dear Padumachitta. This is cool!
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
Old Doctrex seems to be in a tight spot. From a plot standpoint, this is a very good chapter. Arklyn was taking such delight in knocking around Doctrex, I'm interested to see what could have changed his mind so sharply and so suddenly, especially to make him break down in tears.
I'm not sure if I would consider myself a claustrophobic, but the idea of being trapped in a small space definitely gives me the creeps. Yet when I read this, I didn't feel Doctrex's fear as deeply as I think I should have. You get a sense of him losing his cool when he starts shouting, his almost insane laughter, and then when he starts thinking about Axtilla, but I think you might need to put a little more in to more properly convey his terror. I'm a bit puzzled because you have all the right details, but it still seems somewhat lacking to me. It's hard for me to properly explain it. Perhaps you need more visceral descriptions? Him pounding his fists angrily, fearfully against the sides of the cage, pushing with all of his strength to no avail. His quick, shallow breaths, his ribcage pressing against the walls making him feel like he's suffocating. Maybe the difficulty in getting his mind to think straight, being reduced to a lizard brain as fear consumed him.
"Snug--as a bullet in a gun's chamber!" Love this.
As ever, great work, Jay, and I hope this helps!
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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Old Doctrex seems to be in a tight spot. From a plot standpoint, this is a very good chapter. Arklyn was taking such delight in knocking around Doctrex, I'm interested to see what could have changed his mind so sharply and so suddenly, especially to make him break down in tears.
I'm not sure if I would consider myself a claustrophobic, but the idea of being trapped in a small space definitely gives me the creeps. Yet when I read this, I didn't feel Doctrex's fear as deeply as I think I should have. You get a sense of him losing his cool when he starts shouting, his almost insane laughter, and then when he starts thinking about Axtilla, but I think you might need to put a little more in to more properly convey his terror. I'm a bit puzzled because you have all the right details, but it still seems somewhat lacking to me. It's hard for me to properly explain it. Perhaps you need more visceral descriptions? Him pounding his fists angrily, fearfully against the sides of the cage, pushing with all of his strength to no avail. His quick, shallow breaths, his ribcage pressing against the walls making him feel like he's suffocating. Maybe the difficulty in getting his mind to think straight, being reduced to a lizard brain as fear consumed him.
"Snug--as a bullet in a gun's chamber!" Love this.
As ever, great work, Jay, and I hope this helps!
Comment Written 26-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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Hey, thanks, Sean for the close read. I will take your suggestions with me to the final edit. You have some very valid points. I felt quite uncomfortable writing that scene since I am claustrophobic to the max. Thanks for suggestion I take a closer look at it. Maybe a glass of wine before I do.
Comment from Twilightspire
Whoa! Such an abrupt change of manner from the never-will-be Supreme Commander.
The beginning of this tale had me squirming in my seat. I wanted so much to take a break, but your words were riveting and drove me on. Such a great example of descriptive writing to show us an emotion, in this case, extreme claustrophobia. I'm still twitching, thank you very much.
The rest of this chapter was awesome. You did a complete one-eighty with Doctrex's captors and left us needing to know what is happening. Fantastic work, my friend. I'm can't wait to jump to the next chapter. So I won't. :D
-T.J.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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Whoa! Such an abrupt change of manner from the never-will-be Supreme Commander.
The beginning of this tale had me squirming in my seat. I wanted so much to take a break, but your words were riveting and drove me on. Such a great example of descriptive writing to show us an emotion, in this case, extreme claustrophobia. I'm still twitching, thank you very much.
The rest of this chapter was awesome. You did a complete one-eighty with Doctrex's captors and left us needing to know what is happening. Fantastic work, my friend. I'm can't wait to jump to the next chapter. So I won't. :D
-T.J.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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Thank you, T.J for the lovely six! You caught the mood of the piece perfectly, I'm happy to say. It was actually very difficult to write the "inside the capsule" scene since I am claustrophobic.
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid using felt, saw, heard, or smelled.
Excellent chapter. I liked the sudden change in what was happening to him, particularly with no explanation.
Karlene
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Try to avoid using felt, saw, heard, or smelled.
Excellent chapter. I liked the sudden change in what was happening to him, particularly with no explanation.
Karlene
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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I thought you'd like this, Karlene. I have been watching the injecting of the seeing, feeling, hearing and smelling. Thank you.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Okay, I'm totally as surprised by Zarb's complete turnaround as Doctrex! Way to change things up, Jay. I'm anxious to read what's going on with the next chapter. Very well done!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Okay, I'm totally as surprised by Zarb's complete turnaround as Doctrex! Way to change things up, Jay. I'm anxious to read what's going on with the next chapter. Very well done!
:) Bev
Comment Written 24-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Yeah, a lot of people didn't like the way that was handled. I think you'll like the way it is handled, though.
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Well, they should know that you try to keep your writing both fresh and unpredictable. At least, that's my opinion.
:) Bev
Comment from Goodauthor
This is very interesting. I am sorry, I didn't get back to the other chapters before they were automatically deleted from my list of saved messages. I enjoyed the read and it was well written.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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This is very interesting. I am sorry, I didn't get back to the other chapters before they were automatically deleted from my list of saved messages. I enjoyed the read and it was well written.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Hey, I'm just glad to have you back, regardless of the reason. I'm so glad you enjoyed this and are climbing back on the wagon.
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Thank you. I forgot so many things my instructors taught me. Like, for instance--Ther is no such thing as Writer's Block, what is blocked, is what you want to say. The words flow smoothly enough, what gets block is how you want to put those words on paper.
Comment from Fridayauthor
If I could knock it over, perhaps (To me, "it" seems to indicate he knows more about his situation.)
If I could knock over what ever entrapped me, perhaps...
I'd like a better description of how he is bound. . . hands in front, or back? Legs tied together?? Where is the line that holds him off the ground, around his waist.
I have trouble picturing it. His arms are first bound to his body, then his fingers are dragging on the ground when he's carried.
Between the prior paragraph and the one beginning, "This was no cot!" there is a time-jump, as there was when he was strung up. I'd like to have him try and determine his condition, move his arms and legs, feel his head, now that his arms are free.
A good chapter with a lot happening. An enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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If I could knock it over, perhaps (To me, "it" seems to indicate he knows more about his situation.)
If I could knock over what ever entrapped me, perhaps...
I'd like a better description of how he is bound. . . hands in front, or back? Legs tied together?? Where is the line that holds him off the ground, around his waist.
I have trouble picturing it. His arms are first bound to his body, then his fingers are dragging on the ground when he's carried.
Between the prior paragraph and the one beginning, "This was no cot!" there is a time-jump, as there was when he was strung up. I'd like to have him try and determine his condition, move his arms and legs, feel his head, now that his arms are free.
A good chapter with a lot happening. An enjoyable read.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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I'll have to look his "confinement" part over and see if I can strengthen the image. His chamber is a kind of tube. Remember I mentioned him feeling like a bullet in the chamber of a gun. I actually thought I was clear about that. He wasn't boud. It was simply so tight a fit that he couldn't raise his arms. When he wrenched his head back he was able to see out the top. The rope was attached to the outer rim of his chamber and the four corners to a larger rope swung over a beam going across the ceiling.
I do like your idea of "knock over what entrapped me".
Comment from chasennov
THE TRINING Book Three SLEEP TIGHT, GENERAL DOCTREX (PT 1) This is another excellent chapter you have created here, Jay. It read as well as the others. What can I say? Well done.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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THE TRINING Book Three SLEEP TIGHT, GENERAL DOCTREX (PT 1) This is another excellent chapter you have created here, Jay. It read as well as the others. What can I say? Well done.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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You couldn't have said it more succinctly and I am thrilled! Thank you for your kind words.
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You are most welcome.
