THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "THE UNMASKING OF ARKLYN ZARBS (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
27 total reviews
Comment from jaeladarling
Hmmmm...interesting conversation. I'm just glad I was only reading about this Supreme Colonel instead of seeing a picture. Sounds disgusting! I'm intrigued to see how Doctrex will get himself out of this mess.
A couple nits:
"Now, I do want you to know my name." (No comma)
"The soldier yanked me to my feet with hands gripping my arms like pliers," (Comma after "feet" or remove the one after "pliers")
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Hmmmm...interesting conversation. I'm just glad I was only reading about this Supreme Colonel instead of seeing a picture. Sounds disgusting! I'm intrigued to see how Doctrex will get himself out of this mess.
A couple nits:
"Now, I do want you to know my name." (No comma)
"The soldier yanked me to my feet with hands gripping my arms like pliers," (Comma after "feet" or remove the one after "pliers")
Comment Written 04-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Thanks again, Jaela. Don't think these are falling on deaf ears. I will take all this to my final edit ... as soon as I get the last chapters written.
Comment from Tina McKala
doctrex seemed brave in this chapter, and very strong that he managed to negotiate with his capturer. and i sense glnot rhuether is approaching and the inevitable meeting is knocking on the door.
very powerful chapter, very good characterization of the new character and doctrex remained true to his character even though we see him in a situation we didn't see him before.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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doctrex seemed brave in this chapter, and very strong that he managed to negotiate with his capturer. and i sense glnot rhuether is approaching and the inevitable meeting is knocking on the door.
very powerful chapter, very good characterization of the new character and doctrex remained true to his character even though we see him in a situation we didn't see him before.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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The big flaw I see in the several chapters of his confinement is that I don't speak once of any cuts, abrasions or the like on Doctrex from being thrown from his crossan.
Comment from Twilightspire
Quick thinking on our General's part! He handled this with an experienced diplomat's tongue for lying!
Fantastic work with the descriptions. Every time you write about our soon to be Supreme Commander, you make us revile him even more.
Excellent job on this chapter, my friend. You captured the atmosphere of desolation as well as Doctrex's quick thinking with a flourish. Keep 'em coming.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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Quick thinking on our General's part! He handled this with an experienced diplomat's tongue for lying!
Fantastic work with the descriptions. Every time you write about our soon to be Supreme Commander, you make us revile him even more.
Excellent job on this chapter, my friend. You captured the atmosphere of desolation as well as Doctrex's quick thinking with a flourish. Keep 'em coming.
-T.J.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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Bless and thank you, T.J. Love those sixes! As I will be explaining, after the next two posts I'm going to have to re-create the remaining chapters from memory. There were about 10 or twelve long chapters that went down with my crashed computer (No, no, no, I failed to back up those chapters, thinking that by using Scrivener it would be automatically backed up--learn from my mistakes, friend. I'm only saying this because I am a S-L-O-W creator, so expect no more than a post a week. I will re-post the first seven chapters of a mainstream novel during that interval. So... be patient.
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
No surprise to me, but another good entry. You have a real ear for dialogue, I find. It sounds natural to me and you put enough meaning into what's being said to carry on the conversation without it feeling slow. Arklyn sounds like a slimy, over-ambitious worm whose isn't as intelligent as he believes himself to be. I think his pride is going to be his downfall. I liked your likening the soldier's grip to pliers, it's a simile that I don't see often making it fresh, also giving me this image of something strong and pinching.
No major errors that I've found (predictably) but I do have several nitpicks:
"I'm surprised you didn't ask him why?" I feel like this should just be a statement and not a question. Losing the question mark would give the sentence more weight.
"And that is I might be a little more valuable to him as an alive prisoner the Kabeezans want than a head on a stick ... or a platter." This seems needlessly wordy to me. How about: And that is I might be a little more valuable to him alive than as a head on a stick ... or a platter. More straightforward; but then again, as dialogue, does it need to be that tight? People don't always speak that smoothly.
You also mention a "fleck" of dust, but I'm not a fan of that word. When someone says fleck, I think of something stationary, like flecks of paint on a wall, or flecks of iron in a rock. I think mote would work better there, but again it's dialogue.
Less specific but something that did have me wondering was your use of italics. It's being narrated from Doctrex's perspective, but he's still having internal thoughts? An interesting choice. It works fine, but there are several parts where I was surprised that it wasn't a thought he was having. For instance: "Who would have told him that?" I think should be italicized, but it's an artistic choice.
Hope this helps! Forgive the slowness of my reviews, my personal life leaves little time for me recently.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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No surprise to me, but another good entry. You have a real ear for dialogue, I find. It sounds natural to me and you put enough meaning into what's being said to carry on the conversation without it feeling slow. Arklyn sounds like a slimy, over-ambitious worm whose isn't as intelligent as he believes himself to be. I think his pride is going to be his downfall. I liked your likening the soldier's grip to pliers, it's a simile that I don't see often making it fresh, also giving me this image of something strong and pinching.
No major errors that I've found (predictably) but I do have several nitpicks:
"I'm surprised you didn't ask him why?" I feel like this should just be a statement and not a question. Losing the question mark would give the sentence more weight.
"And that is I might be a little more valuable to him as an alive prisoner the Kabeezans want than a head on a stick ... or a platter." This seems needlessly wordy to me. How about: And that is I might be a little more valuable to him alive than as a head on a stick ... or a platter. More straightforward; but then again, as dialogue, does it need to be that tight? People don't always speak that smoothly.
You also mention a "fleck" of dust, but I'm not a fan of that word. When someone says fleck, I think of something stationary, like flecks of paint on a wall, or flecks of iron in a rock. I think mote would work better there, but again it's dialogue.
Less specific but something that did have me wondering was your use of italics. It's being narrated from Doctrex's perspective, but he's still having internal thoughts? An interesting choice. It works fine, but there are several parts where I was surprised that it wasn't a thought he was having. For instance: "Who would have told him that?" I think should be italicized, but it's an artistic choice.
Hope this helps! Forgive the slowness of my reviews, my personal life leaves little time for me recently.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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You are absolutely right about the question mark on the obviously declarative sentence. Having the question mark there took away from the sarcasm I had intended. I have no idea where that came from.
I also reordered the "head on a stake" sentence to read: "Not boasting, Supreme Colonel Zarbs, but I just want to remind you of something that, in your understandable desire to please The Almighty Master, you might not have thought through ... which is that I might be a little more valuable to him alive than as a head on a stick ... or on a platter." The problem is it is now longer, but with the ellipsis it seems readable. Tell me what you think.
I have to think of the fleck of dust. I do understand what you mean, though.
The italics. That's a problem. I know editors hate them. I try to only use them when a character is thinking in the present tense. That is something I will consider in the final edit. I think I mentioned before I paste all reviews (except the two liners designed only to get the funny money) into a folder for the final edit. I would be a fool not to take these suggestions very seriously. (Wasn't it you who pointed out to me that I had Doctrex as the CAPTOR instead of CAPTIVE? I don't think I would have ever spotted that on my own.)
Once again, friend, thank you for the evidence of a very close read.
Jay
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It's longer, but regardless I like it. One thing I would change, however, is the double ellipsis. I think it's too much. I would replace the second one with a period or a dash.
And honestly, I don't remember, but I'll be happy to take credit for it anyway haha.
You're welcome!
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Done! That double ellipsis bothered me, too. But for the life of me I blanked on an alternative. I changed it to the Em dash and when I get to the final edit if it doesn't seem right I'll change it then.
Comment from chasennov
THE TRINING Book Three THE UNMASKING OF ARKLYN ZARBS (Pt 2) Well I got to read another excellent chapter you have so very well created. Love to read your work. Well done.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2014
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THE TRINING Book Three THE UNMASKING OF ARKLYN ZARBS (Pt 2) Well I got to read another excellent chapter you have so very well created. Love to read your work. Well done.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Chasennov for reading and enjoying this chapter. I'm glad to have you aboard.
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You are most welcome.
Comment from lindalcreel
This was a new twist. I'm assuming this guy is Rheuther's second in command, but when Doctrix spoke his name, he seemed almost fearful. Maybe he isn't as tough as he pretends to be and I sure hope Doctrix has some tricks up his sleeve or he will lose all of his soldiers.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2014
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This was a new twist. I'm assuming this guy is Rheuther's second in command, but when Doctrix spoke his name, he seemed almost fearful. Maybe he isn't as tough as he pretends to be and I sure hope Doctrix has some tricks up his sleeve or he will lose all of his soldiers.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Linda, for your perceptiveness. I was hoping that showed through. There are some curves ahead. I think you'll like where I'm taking this.
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Always a pleasure.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi Jay. How the hell is he gonna get out of this situation? I have no clue. Much of his army and support base is in dissarra , if not dead. I think he is showing his mettle here. He is a smart guy, and mya well buy himself time.
One would think such a valuable prize would get better treatment, but Zarbs doesn't seem like a multi layer thinker...padumachitta
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2014
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Hi Jay. How the hell is he gonna get out of this situation? I have no clue. Much of his army and support base is in dissarra , if not dead. I think he is showing his mettle here. He is a smart guy, and mya well buy himself time.
One would think such a valuable prize would get better treatment, but Zarbs doesn't seem like a multi layer thinker...padumachitta
Comment Written 20-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2014
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Love that you're really getting into this, Padumachitta! There are some curves ahead. You should love the next chapter, unless you're claustrophobic. Won't post, though, until Saturday.
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
Really enjoyable chapter, Jax. I love the mind games these two are playing! Doctrex is one clever dude... he must be a reflection on his creator... :) By the way, I love the names you come up with. How do you think of them? Lie awake at night dreaming them up???
'Just keep him talking. I still had information he needed. He wouldn't kill me as long as I was useful, but he wouldn't hesitate to torture me right up to the brink of death, just to loosen my tongue. I wasn't looking forward to that part of it. Just keep him talking.'
- Doctrex is thinking these thoughts, yes? If so, you need to keep his thoughts in the present: 'I still have information; He won't kill me as long as I am useful...; I'm not looking forward to that...'
'With those words, his eyes, his voice(,) his whole countenance ...'
'He stared at me, slowly blinking his (expressionless) eyes.'
You will notice I didn't mention anything that has a bearing upon your personal style... I am learning to accept it...and like it... :)
Ant
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2014
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Really enjoyable chapter, Jax. I love the mind games these two are playing! Doctrex is one clever dude... he must be a reflection on his creator... :) By the way, I love the names you come up with. How do you think of them? Lie awake at night dreaming them up???
'Just keep him talking. I still had information he needed. He wouldn't kill me as long as I was useful, but he wouldn't hesitate to torture me right up to the brink of death, just to loosen my tongue. I wasn't looking forward to that part of it. Just keep him talking.'
- Doctrex is thinking these thoughts, yes? If so, you need to keep his thoughts in the present: 'I still have information; He won't kill me as long as I am useful...; I'm not looking forward to that...'
'With those words, his eyes, his voice(,) his whole countenance ...'
'He stared at me, slowly blinking his (expressionless) eyes.'
You will notice I didn't mention anything that has a bearing upon your personal style... I am learning to accept it...and like it... :)
Ant
Comment Written 20-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Anthony. You don't know how much I appreciate the time you take to read my chapters. Only a handful of reviewers here (I'm speaking obviously of only the ones who read my stories)provide me with reviews I can grow from. You are definitely one of them.
I think I mentioned it before, the only changes I make at the time of the review are those grammatical, spelling, punctuation errors that make me look stupid. Don't like looking stupid, LOL, but everything else goes into a folder to be used for the final edit, after the book finishes. I do want you to know, however, I look at every nuance of your suggestions and consider it carefully. Otherwise this whole experience would be an elaborate exercise of how to cleverly accept praise and ignore criticism. Both are recipes for failure as a writer.
Thanks for keeping me honest.
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It's my pleasure, Jay. I think a review must be more than just a few candid words to gain the requisite dollars and points. It takes me a long time to review, but I can't see much point doing it any other way. It's much easier when the story is a good read... Some writers are hard work...really hard work. :)
Comment from Sam Mendonca
I found this chapter very chilly of how things are starting to play out in the story line.
It's like a time bomb getting ready to explode.
Great chapter. (Smile)
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2014
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I found this chapter very chilly of how things are starting to play out in the story line.
It's like a time bomb getting ready to explode.
Great chapter. (Smile)
Comment Written 19-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2014
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Bless you, Sam. Thanks so much for the 6 stars.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Jay,
it Looks like you know how to write about playing mind games
How clever you are. Must say you drew my attention for your next chapter.
Gert
Gert
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2014
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Jay,
it Looks like you know how to write about playing mind games
How clever you are. Must say you drew my attention for your next chapter.
Gert
Gert
Comment Written 19-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Gert. I don't know how you manage to hang onto a six star so late in the week. I'm so glad you did! I give all mine out by Monday. I'm so happy you are liking my book. It will get kind of intense over the next few chapters.
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You are welcome Jay
I hang on to my sixes until I find a writing that I fine intriguing and doesn't drag on
Gert