THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "BUT SINCE YOU'RE NOT SAVAGES (Pt 1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
27 total reviews
Comment from jaeladarling
Bleh - think I'm going to be sick just from the description of being sick! LOL Well, I guess at least now he's facing the Big Boss. I'm kind of glad I got behind so I can keep reading! Can't wait to see what happens next.
Just two things:
"out of balance, and seemed" (No comma)
"It lolled left and right and then" (Comma after "right")
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Bleh - think I'm going to be sick just from the description of being sick! LOL Well, I guess at least now he's facing the Big Boss. I'm kind of glad I got behind so I can keep reading! Can't wait to see what happens next.
Just two things:
"out of balance, and seemed" (No comma)
"It lolled left and right and then" (Comma after "right")
Comment Written 04-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Only two things? Wow. Heh, thanks Jaela.
Comment from Tina McKala
so it seems we entered the final part of the story. is this ruether questioning him? what happened to the others? is this real? so many many questions!
the scene was perfect. full of tension and the descriptions were spot on. really loved this!
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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so it seems we entered the final part of the story. is this ruether questioning him? what happened to the others? is this real? so many many questions!
the scene was perfect. full of tension and the descriptions were spot on. really loved this!
Comment Written 24-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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Interesting you'd think this is Rhuether. I was not even attempting to have the reader think that. But it's not bad you did so ... right? You find out soon enough.
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
Apparently I read this in the wrong order haha. I was a bit confused as to what was happening in the previous chapter, but I decided to roll with it thinking that perhaps you were only publishing snippets of your story instead of the whole thing. The way these chapters are organized made me think that chronologically this came after the last chapter I reviewed (top of the page, it's the second 16, shouldn't it be first?). It isn't a big deal at all, and I'm not going to ding you for it, but maybe you should rearrange it?
Having become more familiar with your work, I'm finding you have a real talent for writing lean. That's a hard one to pull off, I personally find myself struggling to do it. But you're able to trim the fat from your writing, rarely going into excessive detail with your descriptions (and very fine they are), and focusing on the most important details, moving the story along at a brisk pace. More excellent dialogue. Doctrex seems like a very tough guy. He's miserable, disoriented, a prisoner, but he doesn't lose his cool.
A few minor things:
"gasping for air, and inhaled more of the putrid slop." Works as it, but I suggest losing the comma, replacing it with a dash, then putting a then in place of the and: "gasping for air--then inhaled more of the putrid slop." Makes getting his face shoved back into the muck more sudden.
"Framing them from above were brows, like two fat, fuzzy caterpillars, and below a full, untrimmed beard, the color of dirty cinnamon. His head was bald or shaven." That first sentence, loved the description, and I just wanted to point that out. In the second, I would suggest just going with one or the other, bald or shaven. Doctrex's confusion here is unimportant.
Nitpicks and all, great work here, Jay. I'll be sure to keep a closer eye on the publication dates haha.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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Apparently I read this in the wrong order haha. I was a bit confused as to what was happening in the previous chapter, but I decided to roll with it thinking that perhaps you were only publishing snippets of your story instead of the whole thing. The way these chapters are organized made me think that chronologically this came after the last chapter I reviewed (top of the page, it's the second 16, shouldn't it be first?). It isn't a big deal at all, and I'm not going to ding you for it, but maybe you should rearrange it?
Having become more familiar with your work, I'm finding you have a real talent for writing lean. That's a hard one to pull off, I personally find myself struggling to do it. But you're able to trim the fat from your writing, rarely going into excessive detail with your descriptions (and very fine they are), and focusing on the most important details, moving the story along at a brisk pace. More excellent dialogue. Doctrex seems like a very tough guy. He's miserable, disoriented, a prisoner, but he doesn't lose his cool.
A few minor things:
"gasping for air, and inhaled more of the putrid slop." Works as it, but I suggest losing the comma, replacing it with a dash, then putting a then in place of the and: "gasping for air--then inhaled more of the putrid slop." Makes getting his face shoved back into the muck more sudden.
"Framing them from above were brows, like two fat, fuzzy caterpillars, and below a full, untrimmed beard, the color of dirty cinnamon. His head was bald or shaven." That first sentence, loved the description, and I just wanted to point that out. In the second, I would suggest just going with one or the other, bald or shaven. Doctrex's confusion here is unimportant.
Nitpicks and all, great work here, Jay. I'll be sure to keep a closer eye on the publication dates haha.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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I'll make a note to check out the order of things tomorrow. My brain's spaghetti after a whole day of reading. I'll get back with you on it. I liked your idea about the Em dash followed by "then". Also (you're on a roll!) I thought about the bald or shaven and figured he would have not been thinking that articulately in his condition. I just made him bald. Thank you for your help on both these issues.
By the way, you will be getting a "thumbs up" as soon as we get a new supply of them. I'm running a month behind, so I keep the names in a folder. Your name was added to the list just now. I like to reward those who are genuinely helpful. You are!
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Good point on the bald/shaven. I can see that. And thanks! I appreciate it. Reminds me that I need to use mine haha. It just slips my mind, so expect one from me too.
Comment from Ben Colder
I think this is neat, the way you place the characters to an easy read. Very well done. A person should have no problem understanding the depth of your story. Shalom my friend.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2014
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I think this is neat, the way you place the characters to an easy read. Very well done. A person should have no problem understanding the depth of your story. Shalom my friend.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2014
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I'm thrilled you chose to read this chapter, Ben. It means a lot to me.
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
Nice chapter once again, Jay. Chillingly cold with a tinge of horror pervading all. I felt for the crossans...
Loved this descriptive sentence: 'I put my face in my hands and tried to blot out his voice, his dead eyes, his gray lips and his moist little tongue, flickering in and out of the cinnamon bush, like a viper.'
'Kept them closed.' Is this a complete sentence??? Know what you're saying, but it needs to be grammatically correct, yes? Okay to use in speech, but not prose. 'I kept them closed.'
'I raised my head (up), sputter(ing), [up] from a fetid swamp.'
'Well, now that I think about it, I (do) know.'
'He stared at me through tired, bored, or dissolute brown eyes.' How about, 'He stared at me through tired, bored eyes. Or were they simply dissolute?'
'We were in a cave(--)spacious and with rock(y) walls; a doorway to...'
'He looked disappointed I asked.' reads a little awkwardly. Perhaps, 'He seemed disappointed with my question.'
Thanks, Jay.
Anthony
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2014
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Nice chapter once again, Jay. Chillingly cold with a tinge of horror pervading all. I felt for the crossans...
Loved this descriptive sentence: 'I put my face in my hands and tried to blot out his voice, his dead eyes, his gray lips and his moist little tongue, flickering in and out of the cinnamon bush, like a viper.'
'Kept them closed.' Is this a complete sentence??? Know what you're saying, but it needs to be grammatically correct, yes? Okay to use in speech, but not prose. 'I kept them closed.'
'I raised my head (up), sputter(ing), [up] from a fetid swamp.'
'Well, now that I think about it, I (do) know.'
'He stared at me through tired, bored, or dissolute brown eyes.' How about, 'He stared at me through tired, bored eyes. Or were they simply dissolute?'
'We were in a cave(--)spacious and with rock(y) walls; a doorway to...'
'He looked disappointed I asked.' reads a little awkwardly. Perhaps, 'He seemed disappointed with my question.'
Thanks, Jay.
Anthony
Comment Written 19-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2014
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Thanks, Anthony, for the deep read. I truly appreciate it.
Sentence fragments in a first person narrative, while not grammatically correct, has such accepted currency today I don't feel a need to use full sentences.
'He looked disappointed I asked.' Totally agree. I'm going to add a "that" which had been there after "disappointed" but I was on a quest to remove all unnecessary "thats". That one was a casualty, but I see it needs to be added back. With a second look, I like your solution better. I went back and changed it. Thanks.
The rest I shall paste into my folder for the final edit. I do take all suggestions seriously.
Thanks, Anthony.
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Yeah, I'm too much of a purist. Just ignore anything you don't like... :) I understand 'common usage'.
Comment from krprice
"I'm sorry, I don't know. . . "Where is that soldier? Sol-Jul!" He. . .
Make sure to put a comma before a conjunction in a series of words, phrases, and clauses.
It fell onto my cheek . . It lolled left and right, and then. . .
In spite of myself, a kind of whimper left. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2014
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"I'm sorry, I don't know. . . "Where is that soldier? Sol-Jul!" He. . .
Make sure to put a comma before a conjunction in a series of words, phrases, and clauses.
It fell onto my cheek . . It lolled left and right, and then. . .
In spite of myself, a kind of whimper left. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 19-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2014
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Thank you Karlene for all your help. Glad you liked it.
Comment from Writingfundimension
A really gritty and excellently penned chapter, Jay. I want to believe that Doctrex is in another one of his dream states, but the details about the horrible captor make me think this is not one of those times. An exorcist once said that the demonic is unrelentingly boring. As you describe the slow, sluggish movements of that man, that is the thought that came to my mind. Great chapter, once again!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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A really gritty and excellently penned chapter, Jay. I want to believe that Doctrex is in another one of his dream states, but the details about the horrible captor make me think this is not one of those times. An exorcist once said that the demonic is unrelentingly boring. As you describe the slow, sluggish movements of that man, that is the thought that came to my mind. Great chapter, once again!
:) Bev
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Ha! I like that "unrelentingly boring!" Thank you so much Bev. You have been a mainstay to my writing here and I appreciate it. Now dreams on hold. Reality reigns!
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You're very welcome, Jay. I'm ready for whatever you've got in mind for Doctrex! :) Bev
Comment from Twilightspire
Now this is descriptive mastery! You set the scene perfectly from Doctrex's limited faculties. The "not savage" is a striking and animalistic man, which you show very cleanly for us. It also explains what happened in the last paragraphs of the former chapter. I rescind my earlier statements, you match the literary prose with explanations in this chapter.
Oh my God, which men are alive and which are dead? I hope Jed survived.
Geez, what a crap situation for Doctrex to find himself in. I can't wait to see how he gets out of it.
Fantastic chapter, my friend.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Now this is descriptive mastery! You set the scene perfectly from Doctrex's limited faculties. The "not savage" is a striking and animalistic man, which you show very cleanly for us. It also explains what happened in the last paragraphs of the former chapter. I rescind my earlier statements, you match the literary prose with explanations in this chapter.
Oh my God, which men are alive and which are dead? I hope Jed survived.
Geez, what a crap situation for Doctrex to find himself in. I can't wait to see how he gets out of it.
Fantastic chapter, my friend.
-T.J.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Thank you for the Six, TJ. Your reviews keep me going, my friend. I still have readers thinking this is a dream Doctrex is going to wake up from. Reality time! I'm so happy you're back, TJ. If I get enough funny money from reviews to promote, I shall be posting the next chapter today--later today.
Comment from Fridayauthor
A difficult chapter to write as he wakes up, not knowing what happened. We learn, through his eyes and ears the order of what's important to him. His survival. Did his men live? Where is he? Who is his captor?
As we did the poor crossans."
As did the poor crossans." ??
my chin fell into my chest.
my chin fell onto my chest. ??
When Doctrex awakes, he sees only his captor, throne and a room beyond. Then,later, he sees or you tell us, ... soldiers milled around, at the ready. Were they not there earlier?
...white-hot phosphorescence that was the voice. This shows me a visual where the "voice" is an audible...
white-hot phosphorescence is a nice image, but not for a voice. (Just opinion.)
Were there not eighty men? His only concern seems to be his friends.
Very good dialog here, leading us to get to know his captor.
I enjoyed the descriptions as well, with a bit of confusion.
He is in a cave which I visualize as stone, but he seems to be immersed in a (well described) swamp. I found that difficult to visualize.
Very good and interesting chapter.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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A difficult chapter to write as he wakes up, not knowing what happened. We learn, through his eyes and ears the order of what's important to him. His survival. Did his men live? Where is he? Who is his captor?
As we did the poor crossans."
As did the poor crossans." ??
my chin fell into my chest.
my chin fell onto my chest. ??
When Doctrex awakes, he sees only his captor, throne and a room beyond. Then,later, he sees or you tell us, ... soldiers milled around, at the ready. Were they not there earlier?
...white-hot phosphorescence that was the voice. This shows me a visual where the "voice" is an audible...
white-hot phosphorescence is a nice image, but not for a voice. (Just opinion.)
Were there not eighty men? His only concern seems to be his friends.
Very good dialog here, leading us to get to know his captor.
I enjoyed the descriptions as well, with a bit of confusion.
He is in a cave which I visualize as stone, but he seems to be immersed in a (well described) swamp. I found that difficult to visualize.
Very good and interesting chapter.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Ray. You made a good catch with his chin falling into his chest and I clarified the "As we did the poor crossans." I'll add mention of the soldiers in the cave door the first time he looks, and, yes you are right about the rest of the 80 soldiers. He should show some compassion there. I'll work on that. Thanks again.
Comment from padumachitta
Jay. OMG..all dead, surely this is a bad dream..surely this can't be so...it it a trick it is not true...whoever these people are they are not civilized...
I worry about torture...but the torture is that all are dead...Doctrex, how can h live with that?
padumachitta
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Jay. OMG..all dead, surely this is a bad dream..surely this can't be so...it it a trick it is not true...whoever these people are they are not civilized...
I worry about torture...but the torture is that all are dead...Doctrex, how can h live with that?
padumachitta
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Reality time! Thanks, Padumachitta for your empathic reading. I'm glad you're entering this at the right level to understand what Doctrex is going through. Ray (FridayAuthor) pointed out that Doctrex is showing concern for the front ranks while 80 men were lost, and I had to agree with him. I'll intensify his self-flagellation in the final edit.
