THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "MIND AS A SHATTERING BALL (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
28 total reviews
Comment from jaeladarling
Whoa, what a twist there. These mind-invasive things are what gives the story its edge. I like it!
Just a few things, and one's not even a comma. :p
"into Rain Spirit II's side and she" (Comma after "side")
"He was steely-faced, and looking straight ahead." (No comma)
"boulders on the left, and three" (No comma)
"better staging for an ambush than this when" (Comma after "this")
"as a kind of detatched witness," ("detached")
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Whoa, what a twist there. These mind-invasive things are what gives the story its edge. I like it!
Just a few things, and one's not even a comma. :p
"into Rain Spirit II's side and she" (Comma after "side")
"He was steely-faced, and looking straight ahead." (No comma)
"boulders on the left, and three" (No comma)
"better staging for an ambush than this when" (Comma after "this")
"as a kind of detatched witness," ("detached")
Comment Written 04-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2015
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Ah ... a spelling error. I'm surprised that got through spell-check. Thank you, Jaela.
Comment from Tina McKala
well, this chapter read like a bad premonition, i'm really on the edge of my seat, even worried to read on... :-(
a suggestion: consider reminding us of who karule is - i assume he's the one responsible for the crossans, but i was not sure - just a short explanation when you mention him for the first time here.
and you have most of the text written in bold font - is it intentional, or just for fanstory?
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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well, this chapter read like a bad premonition, i'm really on the edge of my seat, even worried to read on... :-(
a suggestion: consider reminding us of who karule is - i assume he's the one responsible for the crossans, but i was not sure - just a short explanation when you mention him for the first time here.
and you have most of the text written in bold font - is it intentional, or just for fanstory?
Comment Written 24-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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Good point about Karule. So many characters, some minor, some major, all having such damn weird names. As far as the bold font goes, I believe this was the point where I was experimenting. At some point, I decided to have all the text emboldened. The summary of the previous text, though, I left plain.
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
Quite the cliffhanger here! I love your descriptions, they're quite poetic and vivid, particularly scene where Doctrex gets flung from his crossan. Likening his confusion to broken shards was very nice. A few things: instead of "Christmas ball" I would say ornament. Also, the opening sentence (big nitpick): "I turned in my saddle to see if everyone was in readiness" Not a fan of the use of the word readiness. I would say "at the ready" or just "ready". Good stuff!
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2014
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Quite the cliffhanger here! I love your descriptions, they're quite poetic and vivid, particularly scene where Doctrex gets flung from his crossan. Likening his confusion to broken shards was very nice. A few things: instead of "Christmas ball" I would say ornament. Also, the opening sentence (big nitpick): "I turned in my saddle to see if everyone was in readiness" Not a fan of the use of the word readiness. I would say "at the ready" or just "ready". Good stuff!
Comment Written 19-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Sean, for the evidence of such a close read. I anguished over the use of Christmas ball. The reason I finally chose it was because every other choice didn't convey the circularity of it. Do you automatically image a ball when ornament is used? I admit I do, but I wasn't sure everyone would.
The use of "in readiness" was in the summary of the last few sentences of the previous chapter. I can see changing it to simply "ready", but I would have to go to the previous chapter to do that.
The rest of your excellent suggestions will be pasted to a folder to be part of my final audit.
Thanks so much, Sean!
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Yeah, of course! Nothing I hate more on this site than generic reviews that look as if they could have applied to any posting out there. The rating may be nice, but it doesn't help anybody. And yes, I do, and I'm certain if you ask people to describe an average Christmas ornament, 9 out of 10 people will draw you a circle. I did a Google Image search and the first page was loaded with those pictures. I think you should just trust that your reader will conjure that sort of mental image.
Ah. I thought so but it was a little hard to tell because the formatting was so much more different in this chapter, with the bolding it's like a photo negative.
And you're welcome!
Comment from krprice
Why the different font?
He looked up and to the side. Delete I knew. You're in his pov.
Put a comma before the conjunction in a series of words, phrases, or clauses.
Unless I could. . . excellent paragraph.
"One row! And put. . . He laughed, a strange. . . laugh like a grater. . .
Excellent chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2014
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Why the different font?
He looked up and to the side. Delete I knew. You're in his pov.
Put a comma before the conjunction in a series of words, phrases, or clauses.
Unless I could. . . excellent paragraph.
"One row! And put. . . He laughed, a strange. . . laugh like a grater. . .
Excellent chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 19-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2014
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I was experimenting with the font. I had so much in italics and it got lost in the regular font.
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
What a chapter! Not a great deal happened, as far as action is concerned, but you transport your readers on a journey of descriptive genius.
'"Yes, sir," he said(.) (H)e tried to smile, but couldn't bring it off.'
'"Yeah, I knew you'd work it out with him." I winked. (You have a paragraph break here) "You know," I added,...' Bring these two paragraphs together.
'I remembered thinking, later, there couldn't be a better staging for an ambush than this(,) when a very un-ambush-like thing happened(.) (J)ust for an instant, (I) felt very silly: I experienced myself leaving my saddle and arcing over Rain Spirit II's head.'
The descriptive power of this sentence is wonderful...it's just a little too long: 'I remembered, as a kind of deta(t)ched witness, watching the beautiful blond hair of her mane floating under me, and feeling foolish and exposed, listening, suspended inside an explosion of excruciatingly brilliant red, like being inside a Christmas ball that had fallen from the tree, shattering on the floor.' Detached. I'm thinking perhaps you can get away with the lengthiness as the sentence really does flow nicely... You decide...
'And I am a fragmented awareness found in each of the shards, the witness acknowledging what I had been, and experiencing the sadness of knowing I wouldn't be again--wouldn't unless ...' The thinking behind this is very creative...it just doesn't work, somehow. It's the last part, I think. I don't really get what you mean until I read the next paragraph. You know what you mean , but I don't think you are quite conveying it to your readers... I perceive you are entering another consciousness, as in a dream...right?
'Each word is a blisteringly hot sliver of crimson; but I must take each word-prism in, let each scorching sliver join with every other, binding together, like film running in reverse: all the separate scattered shards flying toward the center, to a spot, a dot, to the hollow pop the ball made hitting the floor, reversing itself, producing a new sound of healing, a seamless, orotund, sudden wholeness; and then a connectedness to its source, the floating upward to the needly branch of the tree.' My goodness! That is one loooong sentence, Jay! It's brilliant, but it's too long!!!
Your descriptive prowess amazes me, Jay. How do you do it???
Ant.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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What a chapter! Not a great deal happened, as far as action is concerned, but you transport your readers on a journey of descriptive genius.
'"Yes, sir," he said(.) (H)e tried to smile, but couldn't bring it off.'
'"Yeah, I knew you'd work it out with him." I winked. (You have a paragraph break here) "You know," I added,...' Bring these two paragraphs together.
'I remembered thinking, later, there couldn't be a better staging for an ambush than this(,) when a very un-ambush-like thing happened(.) (J)ust for an instant, (I) felt very silly: I experienced myself leaving my saddle and arcing over Rain Spirit II's head.'
The descriptive power of this sentence is wonderful...it's just a little too long: 'I remembered, as a kind of deta(t)ched witness, watching the beautiful blond hair of her mane floating under me, and feeling foolish and exposed, listening, suspended inside an explosion of excruciatingly brilliant red, like being inside a Christmas ball that had fallen from the tree, shattering on the floor.' Detached. I'm thinking perhaps you can get away with the lengthiness as the sentence really does flow nicely... You decide...
'And I am a fragmented awareness found in each of the shards, the witness acknowledging what I had been, and experiencing the sadness of knowing I wouldn't be again--wouldn't unless ...' The thinking behind this is very creative...it just doesn't work, somehow. It's the last part, I think. I don't really get what you mean until I read the next paragraph. You know what you mean , but I don't think you are quite conveying it to your readers... I perceive you are entering another consciousness, as in a dream...right?
'Each word is a blisteringly hot sliver of crimson; but I must take each word-prism in, let each scorching sliver join with every other, binding together, like film running in reverse: all the separate scattered shards flying toward the center, to a spot, a dot, to the hollow pop the ball made hitting the floor, reversing itself, producing a new sound of healing, a seamless, orotund, sudden wholeness; and then a connectedness to its source, the floating upward to the needly branch of the tree.' My goodness! That is one loooong sentence, Jay! It's brilliant, but it's too long!!!
Your descriptive prowess amazes me, Jay. How do you do it???
Ant.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Bless you, Anthony, for your insight and your editing skills. I'll be the first to tell you I love a good long sentence, as long as it doesn't comma-splice and has a sort of logical thread to it. I'll look to shortening it if I can keep the sense of flow and the dreaminess. Like I told you in a previous (wonderful) review, I paste these in a folder for the final edit and only change things that will embarrass me not to change.
You are an asset to my writing, Ant (you prefer that over Anthony?)
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Yes, I too like the long-winded sentence. I think a well-crafted long sentence, replete with semi-colons and commas in the right places, is a beautiful thing that can convey a string of interconnected thoughts that otherwise can seem stilted and 'jerky'. Unfortunately, 'modern' readers appear to struggle with this concept. I don't know how many times I have been,picked up on it, unfairly at times, I reckon. Writing style has to come into it. I think that's why I suggested at one place you decide for yourself... :) I don't want to be a cruel reviewer or suggest that you need to change your style... I was told by one reviewer that I shouldn't use semi colons because 'they are not a fan of them'. I think a semi colon used properly is a beautiful thing and very useful.
Comment from Twilightspire
Ummm...Jay? I'm kind of confused at the ending. Did Doctrex astral project himself ahead? Is he talking to Glnot? The horse? I reread it and am still a bit confused as to exactly what happened.
The chapter started out fantastic, building to the climax of an ambush that shouldn't have happened if Doctrex was a bit more militarily minded. The exchange between Jed and Doctrex had me questioning if there even was a pitched battle between Eele and the enemy. I keep thinking about the phantom soldiers and you mentioning, through Jed, his recount of what happened made me seriously think this whole thing was a trap in the first place.
My only suggestion would be tightening up the ending with a little less literary description and a little more explanation.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Ummm...Jay? I'm kind of confused at the ending. Did Doctrex astral project himself ahead? Is he talking to Glnot? The horse? I reread it and am still a bit confused as to exactly what happened.
The chapter started out fantastic, building to the climax of an ambush that shouldn't have happened if Doctrex was a bit more militarily minded. The exchange between Jed and Doctrex had me questioning if there even was a pitched battle between Eele and the enemy. I keep thinking about the phantom soldiers and you mentioning, through Jed, his recount of what happened made me seriously think this whole thing was a trap in the first place.
My only suggestion would be tightening up the ending with a little less literary description and a little more explanation.
-T.J.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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I have the advantage of reading the review you made after this, so I know everything is okay. The thing is in the "book" form this wouldn't be separated. All one chapter. But you know know how it is with FS. Thanks for reading and for the candidness of your review.
Comment from lindalcreel
I know about Doctrix' history, but it must be weighing heavy on his mind to have to put these soldiers in a situation where there doesn't seem to be any way to escape alive. We'll see what happens in the next chapters.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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I know about Doctrix' history, but it must be weighing heavy on his mind to have to put these soldiers in a situation where there doesn't seem to be any way to escape alive. We'll see what happens in the next chapters.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Thank you for commiserating with Doctrex, Linda. If I play it right there should be considerable tension in the following chapters.
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You are doing a great job of building up the tension without giving away too much of the story.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi Jay. Well, this is a chilling chapter. There is something about it that sets my teeth on eadge. I think you set up the tension uo so well, I just knew I was gonna be reading something not good for our guys. So, I was all on edge and them bam.
geez.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Hi Jay. Well, this is a chilling chapter. There is something about it that sets my teeth on eadge. I think you set up the tension uo so well, I just knew I was gonna be reading something not good for our guys. So, I was all on edge and them bam.
geez.
padumachitta
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Oh, you do my heart good, Padumachitta, that you are feeling the tension of it. I was hoping for that effect. I'll ratchet it up even more later.
Comment from chasennov
THE TRINING Book Three MIND AS A SHATTERING BALL (Pt 2) I have to say exactly the same about this work you seem to create so easily; excellent. Well done.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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THE TRINING Book Three MIND AS A SHATTERING BALL (Pt 2) I have to say exactly the same about this work you seem to create so easily; excellent. Well done.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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I wish it were easy, Chasennov. The only parts that come easily are the ones I swear are being channeled. I do appreciate you!
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You are always welcome.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay what a great chapter.
I like how you wrote about Doctrex existence in a Parallel universe.
It was very captivating of how you wrote about his experience.
Gert
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2014
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Hello Jay what a great chapter.
I like how you wrote about Doctrex existence in a Parallel universe.
It was very captivating of how you wrote about his experience.
Gert
Comment Written 17-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2014
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Thanks, Gert. So happy you came by and read this, leaving your kind words and your wonderful stars.
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You are welcome Jay
