THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "COUNT: ONE-KABEEZAN-ONE (Pt 1) "JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
26 total reviews
Comment from jaeladarling
Finally getting around to catching up! It got super-swampy busy there for a couple of months. I had to rearrange my time, and I think I finally found a workable solution. My own writing fell behind in the meantime. :(
Anyway, I'm glad to be immersed in the story again. I'm looking forward to seeing how this plays out.
I have some suggestions below, and I think they're all comma things. So take them as you will, I guess. LOL
Great chapter!
********
"into invisible corners, and whisper" (No comma)
"While we were walking our crossans I pulled" (Comma after "crossans")
"to go south, and enter the area" (No comma)
"down the ranks, and warn" (No comma)
"Neither backed down, and each turned his crossan, and appeared to be trying to occupy the same space." (You've kind of got three sentences crammed into one. Makes it rather cluttered. Maybe something like: "Neither backed down, and each turned his crossan. They appeared to be trying to occupy the same space." Or, "Neither backed down, and each turned his crossan, ostensibly to occupy the same space." Something like that? Just a thought.)
"Listen," I said, "Come back here." (Should be, "Listen," I said. "Come back here." Or, "Listen," I said, "come back here.")
"near a sulking Jed, and asked him quietly, what had" (No commas)
"a good courier just as you deserve" (Comma after "courier")
"He nodded, and said something I couldn't hear, and didn't ask for him to repeat." (No commas)
"Engle returned, and moved" (No comma)
"He looked past me at Jed who was" (Comma after "Jed")
"The soil was not composed of shale so vegetation" (Comma after "shale")
"press in on the ambushers, and respond" (No comma)
"he tried to smile, but couldn't" (No comma)
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2015
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Finally getting around to catching up! It got super-swampy busy there for a couple of months. I had to rearrange my time, and I think I finally found a workable solution. My own writing fell behind in the meantime. :(
Anyway, I'm glad to be immersed in the story again. I'm looking forward to seeing how this plays out.
I have some suggestions below, and I think they're all comma things. So take them as you will, I guess. LOL
Great chapter!
********
"into invisible corners, and whisper" (No comma)
"While we were walking our crossans I pulled" (Comma after "crossans")
"to go south, and enter the area" (No comma)
"down the ranks, and warn" (No comma)
"Neither backed down, and each turned his crossan, and appeared to be trying to occupy the same space." (You've kind of got three sentences crammed into one. Makes it rather cluttered. Maybe something like: "Neither backed down, and each turned his crossan. They appeared to be trying to occupy the same space." Or, "Neither backed down, and each turned his crossan, ostensibly to occupy the same space." Something like that? Just a thought.)
"Listen," I said, "Come back here." (Should be, "Listen," I said. "Come back here." Or, "Listen," I said, "come back here.")
"near a sulking Jed, and asked him quietly, what had" (No commas)
"a good courier just as you deserve" (Comma after "courier")
"He nodded, and said something I couldn't hear, and didn't ask for him to repeat." (No commas)
"Engle returned, and moved" (No comma)
"He looked past me at Jed who was" (Comma after "Jed")
"The soil was not composed of shale so vegetation" (Comma after "shale")
"press in on the ambushers, and respond" (No comma)
"he tried to smile, but couldn't" (No comma)
Comment Written 04-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2015
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Jaela, God It's great to have you back. I thought you left FanStory. Funny, I thought my comma use was improving. It was just that you were gone, LOL! You won't find too many after a coordinating conjunction, unless you go back to the posts before you started reviewing (lots there!) I put them in the find/replace box and go through each chapter trying to root them out. I'm finding them less and less which means I'm not committing the error as I write. Thanks again, Jaela. I will carry these with me to the final edit.
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LOL I'm REALLY glad to be back. It was driving me nuts not being able to keep up with everything. I have noticed a big improvement. :) And I'm still enjoying the story very much!
Comment from Tina McKala
weell, if the premonition is still on his mind, maybe he will do something differently and this difference will save his and his men's lives.
this third book is really very polished, i, again, have nothing to suggest :-)
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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weell, if the premonition is still on his mind, maybe he will do something differently and this difference will save his and his men's lives.
this third book is really very polished, i, again, have nothing to suggest :-)
Comment Written 23-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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Thanks, Tina. I awoke again today with four more chapters of The Trining making ATB status. It was you, my friend. YOU! Thanks.
Comment from Twilightspire
Doctrex is starting to slip and don't think he even realizes it. Either the toll of the long journey or his own inexperience is starting to really show.
You do a great job showing that in little things, his irritation with the crossan master, his normally huge diplomatic heart failing him with Engle and Jed. Fantastic work showing those little details that really steal the whole story and make it wonderful.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Doctrex is starting to slip and don't think he even realizes it. Either the toll of the long journey or his own inexperience is starting to really show.
You do a great job showing that in little things, his irritation with the crossan master, his normally huge diplomatic heart failing him with Engle and Jed. Fantastic work showing those little details that really steal the whole story and make it wonderful.
-T.J.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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T.J. you are so into this story and the characters. You are spot on about Doctrex. I think (I don't really know, you see) Doctrex knows he is slipping, but doesn't know what to do about it.
Comment from lindalcreel
More tension builds as Doctrix tries to figure out what Rheuther's next plan of attack is. I have to agree, the divide and conquer strategy seems to be working well. Will the men remain loyal to their commander, or will they listen to Rheuther and try to save themselves?
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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More tension builds as Doctrix tries to figure out what Rheuther's next plan of attack is. I have to agree, the divide and conquer strategy seems to be working well. Will the men remain loyal to their commander, or will they listen to Rheuther and try to save themselves?
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Thanks, Linda. I'm glad this is taking on a structure of tension for you. As usual, I appreciate your stars and your kind words.
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
Another great chapter, Jay. You are clearly putting much thought and forward planning into this story. It's not just 'happening'... I d wonder if you laboured your earliest musings on the value or otherwise of premonitions and dreams vs visions, etc. It just seemed to go on for a little too long and my interest waned.
'But I also knew his premonition could be easily garbled in with magic.' Garbled in? I think the sentence is fine without 'in'.
'Once Engle was gone, I pulled near a sulking Jed, and asked him quietly, what had come over him.' 'I pulled near a sulking Jed', is not quite right. Fine grammatically, but... How about, 'Once Engle was gone, I pulled near Jed. I saw he was sulking, and asked him...'
'The three stacked rocks at the far corner of Southern Three Road alerted the traveler of the route that, like most of the routes in this area, would take him to other roads that joined with still other roads to ultimately lead to Kabeez.' A long, complex sentence, Jay. Perhaps two sentences are required.
'It was all a counterpoint to a pervasive stillness spread(ing) over the gray plain on either side of the road.'
'A lot of the success of an ambush is their surprise,...' 'The success of any ambush lies in the element of surprise,...'
'(The question) was rhetorical.'
Thanks, Jay.
Ant.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Another great chapter, Jay. You are clearly putting much thought and forward planning into this story. It's not just 'happening'... I d wonder if you laboured your earliest musings on the value or otherwise of premonitions and dreams vs visions, etc. It just seemed to go on for a little too long and my interest waned.
'But I also knew his premonition could be easily garbled in with magic.' Garbled in? I think the sentence is fine without 'in'.
'Once Engle was gone, I pulled near a sulking Jed, and asked him quietly, what had come over him.' 'I pulled near a sulking Jed', is not quite right. Fine grammatically, but... How about, 'Once Engle was gone, I pulled near Jed. I saw he was sulking, and asked him...'
'The three stacked rocks at the far corner of Southern Three Road alerted the traveler of the route that, like most of the routes in this area, would take him to other roads that joined with still other roads to ultimately lead to Kabeez.' A long, complex sentence, Jay. Perhaps two sentences are required.
'It was all a counterpoint to a pervasive stillness spread(ing) over the gray plain on either side of the road.'
'A lot of the success of an ambush is their surprise,...' 'The success of any ambush lies in the element of surprise,...'
'(The question) was rhetorical.'
Thanks, Jay.
Ant.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Anthony, you've come through again with some excellent ideas. You've put a lot of thought into it and it's appreciated. Especially the long sentence. It bothered me, too. Apparently not enough to take an axe to it. I want you to know I will be pasting this into my edit folder for when the series ends--and my real work begins. The only things I change are the grammatical errors, misspells and blatant errors that make me look stupid. The kid deplores looking stupid! So, know that it will be carefully mulled over--all of it! And again, I thank you.
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Jay, one thing you're never gonna look is stupid!!! It takes a certain kind of brain to dream this stuff up... :)
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An afterthought to previous comment:
I find it interesting the way different writers approach the whole writing/editing thing. I'm such a purist I can't stand the thought of posting anything until I am sure it is as spag free and 'correct' (whatever that is) as possible. Others, like yourself, are happy to correct as you go along. It's an interesting difference in approach - I'm sure psychoanalysts would have something to say about it!!!
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You are kind, sir!
Comment from Writingfundimension
In the first half of the chapter, I was struck with the loneliness of being the sole leader, as Doctrex has become in a sense. With all the magick and general dis-ease among the men, it's becoming more difficult for him to have anyone outside himself to completely rely on. Perhaps this is the greatest danger of all. As always, very well written, Jay.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2014
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In the first half of the chapter, I was struck with the loneliness of being the sole leader, as Doctrex has become in a sense. With all the magick and general dis-ease among the men, it's becoming more difficult for him to have anyone outside himself to completely rely on. Perhaps this is the greatest danger of all. As always, very well written, Jay.
:) Bev
Comment Written 17-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2014
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That was some profound sentiment, Bev. I think you are right on about it. After another couple of chapters I think Doctrex would wish he'd stayed in Klasco's little cottage with his dysfunctional family and forgotten all about war!
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Ah, but destiny doesn't allow us such dispensations does it?
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I feel you have agreat lead up here, Jay. You have all the ducks neatly lined up for a showdown. Of course the tension is building as the atmosphere is stretched like a guitar string. Should I salute? Lol great writing, Giddy
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2014
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I feel you have agreat lead up here, Jay. You have all the ducks neatly lined up for a showdown. Of course the tension is building as the atmosphere is stretched like a guitar string. Should I salute? Lol great writing, Giddy
Comment Written 17-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2014
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You may salute, Giddy. I'll certainly return it with your kind review. Thank you!
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
Another good chapter, very tightly written. I'm waiting for the storm to come. You do a good job of explaining the strategic facet of warfare instead of just rushing headlong into an action scene which gives the inevitably violence a much more satisfying payoff.
The only suggestion I have, and it's a minor one, is when you write the possible suggestion Rhuether may have put in Giln's head. It works and there's nothing wrong with it per se, but I think the passage would be stronger without it. Let the reader's imagination come up with what might have been done there.
Good work!
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2014
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Another good chapter, very tightly written. I'm waiting for the storm to come. You do a good job of explaining the strategic facet of warfare instead of just rushing headlong into an action scene which gives the inevitably violence a much more satisfying payoff.
The only suggestion I have, and it's a minor one, is when you write the possible suggestion Rhuether may have put in Giln's head. It works and there's nothing wrong with it per se, but I think the passage would be stronger without it. Let the reader's imagination come up with what might have been done there.
Good work!
Comment Written 16-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2014
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Good suggestion, Sean. I'll look that over. For anything other than grammatical corrections that would make me look stupid if I didn't make them, I do immediately. Other things I paste into my folder for the final audit. You are too proficient a writer for me not to take seriously. Thanks my friend.
Comment from marijmd
The ending offers a good set up for the next chapter - The prospect of an ambush would make it difficult for anyone to pull off a convincing smile!
:) Maria
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2014
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The ending offers a good set up for the next chapter - The prospect of an ambush would make it difficult for anyone to pull off a convincing smile!
:) Maria
Comment Written 16-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2014
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Thanks, Maria. I thought the possibility of an ambush might make your feet tap! Thanks for stopping by.
Comment from Dashjianta
I like the way you've got Doctrex thinking about Giln's warning at the start and debating its validity with himself. Also like his questioning the expert's reasoning--and wonder if he could be under Rhuether's influence himself, and if he'd know if he were if he was.
The interplay between Jed and Engle adds extra depth and some humour to off-set the tension. (though not so humorous when it made Jed cry)
Doctrex's assessment of the terrain when they reach the south road, his noting the silence out-with his own troops and his measures to counter ambush all work well and set things up nicely for the next chapter.
Suggestions:
And I had my own first sleeping visions
--'I had' or 'I'd had'. I'm reading as him having had the first of his sleeping visions. If they're called 'first sleeping visions' ignore me.
Sure! A vision and a premonition were different beasts!
--Does it need both '!'s? It jumped out at me with there being two.
Reluctantly, he answered, "As you wish, sir."
--New para.
"How is your crossan holding up, Jed?"
--Consider a tag/action before he speaks just to clarify his change of attention.
I ran my finger down the road we were on to the triple rock marking that signaled changing our route southward.
--I stumbled over this when I read it. I think it's the last part 'signalled changing our route'. 'signalled the change in our route' might flow better, but then 'southward' won't work at the end. (could be a dialect difference)
I urged Jed and Engle to keep alert to their surroundings, that we were about to go south,
--Being very picky: if you take out the Jed and Engle bit you get 'I urged...that we were about to go south,' which doesn't quite work. Perhaps add in 'warning them that we were..." and take out the comma before and
"I want one of you to go down the ranks, and warn the men to be at the ready, with crossbows out."
--Delete first comma?
Neither backed down, and each turned his crossan, and appeared to be trying to occupy the same space.
--Something's snagging my attention here. The double and works, but I don't think you need the second comma. OR you could kill the first and and start a new sentence with 'each'. (or I could be wrong. I'm never sure with commas)
Once Engle was gone, I pulled near a sulking Jed, and asked him quietly, what had come over him.
--Move the second comma to before 'quietly'.
He looked past me at Jed who was staring straight ahead, next to the torchbearer.
--This sentence is a bit confused because of Jed staring straight ahead. It created an odd image of Jed staring straight ahead, and the torchbearer riding next to the spot where Jed's staring.
The torchbearer! His identity suddenly came to me!
--What triggered the sudden recollection? The angle he was looking at? The expression on the torchbearer's face? Something else entirely? Saying what would make it more believable.
He was the jailer Giln and Sheleck ordered to guard Zurn after they discovered he had followed their unit.
--You've got 'he' referring to two different people in one sentence. Probably doesn't matter (can still tell which 'he' is which) but thought I'd mention it.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2014
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I like the way you've got Doctrex thinking about Giln's warning at the start and debating its validity with himself. Also like his questioning the expert's reasoning--and wonder if he could be under Rhuether's influence himself, and if he'd know if he were if he was.
The interplay between Jed and Engle adds extra depth and some humour to off-set the tension. (though not so humorous when it made Jed cry)
Doctrex's assessment of the terrain when they reach the south road, his noting the silence out-with his own troops and his measures to counter ambush all work well and set things up nicely for the next chapter.
Suggestions:
And I had my own first sleeping visions
--'I had' or 'I'd had'. I'm reading as him having had the first of his sleeping visions. If they're called 'first sleeping visions' ignore me.
Sure! A vision and a premonition were different beasts!
--Does it need both '!'s? It jumped out at me with there being two.
Reluctantly, he answered, "As you wish, sir."
--New para.
"How is your crossan holding up, Jed?"
--Consider a tag/action before he speaks just to clarify his change of attention.
I ran my finger down the road we were on to the triple rock marking that signaled changing our route southward.
--I stumbled over this when I read it. I think it's the last part 'signalled changing our route'. 'signalled the change in our route' might flow better, but then 'southward' won't work at the end. (could be a dialect difference)
I urged Jed and Engle to keep alert to their surroundings, that we were about to go south,
--Being very picky: if you take out the Jed and Engle bit you get 'I urged...that we were about to go south,' which doesn't quite work. Perhaps add in 'warning them that we were..." and take out the comma before and
"I want one of you to go down the ranks, and warn the men to be at the ready, with crossbows out."
--Delete first comma?
Neither backed down, and each turned his crossan, and appeared to be trying to occupy the same space.
--Something's snagging my attention here. The double and works, but I don't think you need the second comma. OR you could kill the first and and start a new sentence with 'each'. (or I could be wrong. I'm never sure with commas)
Once Engle was gone, I pulled near a sulking Jed, and asked him quietly, what had come over him.
--Move the second comma to before 'quietly'.
He looked past me at Jed who was staring straight ahead, next to the torchbearer.
--This sentence is a bit confused because of Jed staring straight ahead. It created an odd image of Jed staring straight ahead, and the torchbearer riding next to the spot where Jed's staring.
The torchbearer! His identity suddenly came to me!
--What triggered the sudden recollection? The angle he was looking at? The expression on the torchbearer's face? Something else entirely? Saying what would make it more believable.
He was the jailer Giln and Sheleck ordered to guard Zurn after they discovered he had followed their unit.
--You've got 'he' referring to two different people in one sentence. Probably doesn't matter (can still tell which 'he' is which) but thought I'd mention it.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2014
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You've given me a wealth to read and consider. These I'll have to paste in my folder for the final edit. So many of these I'm tempted to change right away, but I've got so many reviews I'm trying to complete-- you know the drill ... gotta review to make the bucks to post my next one tomorrow!
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Aye. The review/post/promote cycle is hard work all on its own.
