THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Ignoring Giln's Premonition"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
26 total reviews
Comment from justafan
Some people were born to write. Some think they were. YOU, Mr. Squires, were born to do this.
You are so gifted and so generous to those around you, myself in particular. You have come to my rescue more than once. For that, I say, thank you :)
Always,
Missy
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Some people were born to write. Some think they were. YOU, Mr. Squires, were born to do this.
You are so gifted and so generous to those around you, myself in particular. You have come to my rescue more than once. For that, I say, thank you :)
Always,
Missy
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Bless you, Missy. You really know how to make a fella feel like his time hasn't been ill-spent.
Comment from Tina McKala
well, let's hope that giln was wrong at least about the part that they would be defeated...
jed and engle are actually funny :D like two kids fighting for their father's attention :D
"Thank you[,] sir." // i think there should be a comma wher i put it
with our real enemy[,] Glnot Rhuether. // you had it without comma, i think it should be there, but i'm not 100% sure
And I had no right to ask Arval to loan him to me, especially for this potentially dangerous undertaking. [His] eyes were locked on mine. [He] looked wounded. I turned away. // who is "he" in the brackets? could be both, arval and jed
AIM // in the previous chapter (I think) you were using "Aim"
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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well, let's hope that giln was wrong at least about the part that they would be defeated...
jed and engle are actually funny :D like two kids fighting for their father's attention :D
"Thank you[,] sir." // i think there should be a comma wher i put it
with our real enemy[,] Glnot Rhuether. // you had it without comma, i think it should be there, but i'm not 100% sure
And I had no right to ask Arval to loan him to me, especially for this potentially dangerous undertaking. [His] eyes were locked on mine. [He] looked wounded. I turned away. // who is "he" in the brackets? could be both, arval and jed
AIM // in the previous chapter (I think) you were using "Aim"
Comment Written 23-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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I'll check this out, Tina. Thanks. You're getting pretty close to the end, aren't you?
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
As expected this flowed very well and didn't have any useless words bogging it down. It was an enjoyable read. Doctrex strikes me as extremely confident and difficult to rattle. I would love to see what finally causes him to lose his calm.
I do have a few suggestions: "Jed to my right. The torchbearer was to his right." This reads a bit awkwardly. How about: "Jed to my right and the torchbearer to his."?
And this: "As the crossans, the riders on them, squeezed in around the large pond, the expert warned them not to let their animals drink too much at one time," I would eliminate "the riders on them", it just sounds a little odd. Instead, I would try: "As the crossans squeezed in around the large pond, the expert warned their riders not to let their animals drink too much at one time," It reads more simply and clearly.
Can't wait to read more!
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2014
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As expected this flowed very well and didn't have any useless words bogging it down. It was an enjoyable read. Doctrex strikes me as extremely confident and difficult to rattle. I would love to see what finally causes him to lose his calm.
I do have a few suggestions: "Jed to my right. The torchbearer was to his right." This reads a bit awkwardly. How about: "Jed to my right and the torchbearer to his."?
And this: "As the crossans, the riders on them, squeezed in around the large pond, the expert warned them not to let their animals drink too much at one time," I would eliminate "the riders on them", it just sounds a little odd. Instead, I would try: "As the crossans squeezed in around the large pond, the expert warned their riders not to let their animals drink too much at one time," It reads more simply and clearly.
Can't wait to read more!
Comment Written 14-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2014
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I believe you are right on both counts, Sean. Simple verbal economics. In the latter example, it really doesn't matter that the riders were on their mounts. I'll leave that to the imagination of the reader.
Both changes have been made. Much obliged.
I'm thrilled you got to read this. The action begins at the end of the next chapter.
Thanks again, Jay
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
In this chapter I found your extra exposÄ? of the various personalities quite fascinating, Jay. It strengthened the whole preparation for actio, I thought. Giddy
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2014
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In this chapter I found your extra exposÄ? of the various personalities quite fascinating, Jay. It strengthened the whole preparation for actio, I thought. Giddy
Comment Written 14-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2014
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Thank you for a 6 star that I thought no one one have left! I so DO appreciate your interest in this chapter. You read me right, at least my intention. I really appreciate your coming back time and again.
Comment from jaeladarling
Oooh, can't wait to see what becomes of this premonition. Will there be a defeat? Will there even be an ambush? Suspense! :)
Great chapter. Don't know when I can get to the next, but I hope it's soon!
Suggestions:
"very annoying, but brilliant medic." (No comma or add another comma after "brilliant")
"Thank you sir." (Comma after "you")
"I nodded, and gave his arm" (No comma)
"I said, and didn't make eye contact." ("I said and didn't make eye contact." Though you may consider "I said without making eye contact." :)
"And so I want to emphasize, you'll gain no favors by going" (Move the comma to after "going")
"I nodded, and smiled at them as well." (No comma)
"You need to rest, and prepare" (No comma)
"our real enemy Glnot Rhuether." (Comma after "enemy")
"for three days of CFPs, and an extra" (No comma)
"into the saddle, and patted Rain Spirit" (No comma)
"your friend, Jed, will be" (Commas are used correctly here, but they're unnecessary. Suggestion to remove them.)
"but without hesitation, asked:" (Change the colon to a comma.)
"He had glanced at me and his eyes" (Comma after "me")
"about sixty miles, then arced" (No comma)
"experts on the crossan, here." (No comma)
"Are we ready, then? (Close the quote)
"We started off slowly, and then" (No comma)
"before we come upon the water supply." ("came")
"As the crossans, the riders on them," (This sounds strange. As the riders on the crossans? As the crossans' riders? Needs to be different somehow.)
"pull them back, and walk them" (No comma)
"There were a lot of crossans so the process" (Comma after "crossans")
"to be direct with you Doctrex." (Comma after "you")
"I felt my eyebrows rise, and hoped it" (No comma, or add "I" after "and")
"I pulled out my map, and showed him" (No comma)
"The first would be Lieutenant Shint Shuurl's and" (Comma after "Shuurl's")
"I reached out, and laid my hand" (No comma)
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2014
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Oooh, can't wait to see what becomes of this premonition. Will there be a defeat? Will there even be an ambush? Suspense! :)
Great chapter. Don't know when I can get to the next, but I hope it's soon!
Suggestions:
"very annoying, but brilliant medic." (No comma or add another comma after "brilliant")
"Thank you sir." (Comma after "you")
"I nodded, and gave his arm" (No comma)
"I said, and didn't make eye contact." ("I said and didn't make eye contact." Though you may consider "I said without making eye contact." :)
"And so I want to emphasize, you'll gain no favors by going" (Move the comma to after "going")
"I nodded, and smiled at them as well." (No comma)
"You need to rest, and prepare" (No comma)
"our real enemy Glnot Rhuether." (Comma after "enemy")
"for three days of CFPs, and an extra" (No comma)
"into the saddle, and patted Rain Spirit" (No comma)
"your friend, Jed, will be" (Commas are used correctly here, but they're unnecessary. Suggestion to remove them.)
"but without hesitation, asked:" (Change the colon to a comma.)
"He had glanced at me and his eyes" (Comma after "me")
"about sixty miles, then arced" (No comma)
"experts on the crossan, here." (No comma)
"Are we ready, then? (Close the quote)
"We started off slowly, and then" (No comma)
"before we come upon the water supply." ("came")
"As the crossans, the riders on them," (This sounds strange. As the riders on the crossans? As the crossans' riders? Needs to be different somehow.)
"pull them back, and walk them" (No comma)
"There were a lot of crossans so the process" (Comma after "crossans")
"to be direct with you Doctrex." (Comma after "you")
"I felt my eyebrows rise, and hoped it" (No comma, or add "I" after "and")
"I pulled out my map, and showed him" (No comma)
"The first would be Lieutenant Shint Shuurl's and" (Comma after "Shuurl's")
"I reached out, and laid my hand" (No comma)
Comment Written 14-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2014
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You're back! "And what's wrong with my back?" she anguished.
Oh well, back to the comma study, Jaela. I could have sworn I had a good handle on them. I've been eliminating them like crazy after buts, ands, yets, or and the rest of the conjunctions. Is there an area you can advise me to concentrate on? Like one area I make most of my comma errors in? I appreciate all the time you spend on this grunt work.
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Gosh, I don't know. I've been trying to figure out a better way to help you get these down, but like you said, the major issue is conjunctions. What suprises me is that I'll read one where it looks like you've got it, and then the very next one will have many familiar errors. I've done professional edits where I've seen this happen too, and I'm still scratching my head on how to help in this area.
Oh, while I was looking this over (I've been back and forth between this missive and reviewing some of your work), I think something else I've noticed (though not *nearly* as excessive as the conjunctions, and not just in your work) is the need to use different punctuation when there are multiple commas in a sentence. ("but without hesitation, asked:")
I know that sometimes when a lot of commas are used, it seems like there should be something ELSE there. Like wow, Scoob, look at all those commas! LOL That's something to watch out for. If you have a sentence with many commas, and then you find yourself using a colon or semicolon, have a look and see if you really need that colon or semicolon.
If you want to really hit this thing head-on, once you've got each bit written (like a Fanstory-length chapter or something), go back and single out all the sentences with commas. (Do a copy/paste into a separate document.) Then look at each sentence individually. It might help to see each one by itself, without all the other words around it.
Other than that...I don't know. I'll keep thinking on it. I'm way behind on reading and posting. We got super busy at work all of a sudden, and my free time kind of went *poof*. I hate that, because I'm missing out on some of my favorite work (like yours), and I wanted to get feedback on my entire second manuscript before I publish. I'm going to try to carve out some time this week. Don't know how, but darn it, I'll figure it out!
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You are so kind, Jaela. I know I do a find/delete on word for every conjunction. Mainly I make sure there's no comma after one and try to judge whether one is needed before. I WILL get better dealing with them.
Thank you again.
Comment from Neonewman
Another masterfully crafted chapter you have delivered to your fans Jay Squires. I love a read that captivates my attention and runs away with it as yours has. God bless!
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2014
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Another masterfully crafted chapter you have delivered to your fans Jay Squires. I love a read that captivates my attention and runs away with it as yours has. God bless!
Comment Written 14-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2014
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THank you neonewman! I appreciate your loyalty. Some exciting stuff coming round the bend.
Comment from marijmd
This is the first chapter I read where it feels Doctrix isn't thinking clearly - he is not making decisions that are best for all involved. This is a nice increase in the tension - you want your hero to have flaws!
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2014
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This is the first chapter I read where it feels Doctrix isn't thinking clearly - he is not making decisions that are best for all involved. This is a nice increase in the tension - you want your hero to have flaws!
Comment Written 14-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Mary. And you are right! You'll see more of that in the next chapter as well.
Comment from Zue65
Well history abounds with stories of great leaders who are damned so stubborn and won't listen to common sense or premonition if you call it, just because they are great soldiers and veterans of battle. Then it is too late to back out and have sacrificed the lives of their comrades in the name of pride. I just hope Doctrex will learn his lesson in your story. You are the author and the fate of your characters depends on how your pen will go. Thanks for sharing this.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2014
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Well history abounds with stories of great leaders who are damned so stubborn and won't listen to common sense or premonition if you call it, just because they are great soldiers and veterans of battle. Then it is too late to back out and have sacrificed the lives of their comrades in the name of pride. I just hope Doctrex will learn his lesson in your story. You are the author and the fate of your characters depends on how your pen will go. Thanks for sharing this.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2014
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Thank you, my friend, for reading this. What you are seeing in this chapter is not Doctrex in his finest hour. This is book III that has been charting his development as a leader and a man. He is flawed, to be sure, but his strengths will be on display in the later chapters. Hope you will be aboard to witness them. By the way, I appreciate the depth in your review of this chapter.
Comment from Twilightspire
Ut oh.
Something tells me Doctrex should have listened to Giln. Glnot isn't a complete idiot. All of the visions and premonitions would have any soldier second-guessing themselves, denying their own intuition, and this seems to have been the plan all along.
It looks like Doctrex's inexperience will lead to a costly mistake, one he can't look away from or reason away.
Excellent work tying that all together in a way that even a dunder-head such as myself can see it.
Perfect chapter.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Ut oh.
Something tells me Doctrex should have listened to Giln. Glnot isn't a complete idiot. All of the visions and premonitions would have any soldier second-guessing themselves, denying their own intuition, and this seems to have been the plan all along.
It looks like Doctrex's inexperience will lead to a costly mistake, one he can't look away from or reason away.
Excellent work tying that all together in a way that even a dunder-head such as myself can see it.
Perfect chapter.
-T.J.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Oh ... I think I was referring to this chapter when I commented on your review of "Point of the Premonition". Good! Your gut feeling is similar to the ones who think Doctrex may be letting power get to his head. A dunder-head you are not, my friend! You dive in deep, even without an air supply, and come up sputtering but with enough eagerness to look for the next place to dive. Love it!
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Jay
Your writing is excellent. Jay,I'm not one who understand the tactics of war.
So I don't have any comments.
Gert
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Hi Jay
Your writing is excellent. Jay,I'm not one who understand the tactics of war.
So I don't have any comments.
Gert
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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You don't need to make extensive comments, Gert. It's just great to know you are enjoying it. Thanks!
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Thank you Jay,
Your message gave me relief.
Gert
