THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "ZILTINAUR SPILLS HIS GUTS (Pt. 1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
20 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
i believe this accident with the santa will have a great imapct on the army as everybody but doctrex was fooled by this trick - i belive his authority will be huge now.
the 'what if' sequence was powerful, very raw.
again, i'm sorry, no suggestions. your writing is very strong.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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i believe this accident with the santa will have a great imapct on the army as everybody but doctrex was fooled by this trick - i belive his authority will be huge now.
the 'what if' sequence was powerful, very raw.
again, i'm sorry, no suggestions. your writing is very strong.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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I'm happy there weren't any suggestions. I loved writing this and worked very hard on it. Thanks, Tina!
Comment from Twilightspire
Well, Christmas is forever ruined for me now. :D
Again, excellent work reclaiming the mood and tension of the story with this chapter. That last scene, Doctrex's imaginings is chilling and utterly terrifying to think of. It puts the Trojan Horse in a new, bloodier light.
Great work on this chapter and I'm hoping to be caught up here very soon. :D
-T.J.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Well, Christmas is forever ruined for me now. :D
Again, excellent work reclaiming the mood and tension of the story with this chapter. That last scene, Doctrex's imaginings is chilling and utterly terrifying to think of. It puts the Trojan Horse in a new, bloodier light.
Great work on this chapter and I'm hoping to be caught up here very soon. :D
-T.J.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Another sixer! Geez, you are wonderful! I think you'll be okay on Christmas. Just beware of Santas who want to open their bag of gifts with everyone present in your living-room.
Comment from Benjohnsonjr
Another enjoyable read. Something else I wanted to mention, use it or ignore it, your choice.
" I wasn't sure of my reception where I was going,"
Maybe better remdered as:
"I wasn't sure of the reception that awaited me"
Reception already implies your going somewhere.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Another enjoyable read. Something else I wanted to mention, use it or ignore it, your choice.
" I wasn't sure of my reception where I was going,"
Maybe better remdered as:
"I wasn't sure of the reception that awaited me"
Reception already implies your going somewhere.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Excellent point, Ben. I just made your suggested change. Great pick!
Comment from High Wire Girl
Hey, Jay!
Super duper job on the build in this chapter. I was hoping for a nice payoff at the end. I personally prefer my savage gore subtle, just as you revealed.
Nice!
Here's my suggestions:
- I think your children would agree (leave out the 'with me'). I don't think you need it.
- legs extruding - perhaps you can use legs protruding?
- was a latch of some kind (period). New sentence with He
- I wasn't sure of my reception where I was going. Sounds awkward? Maybe something like - I wasn't sure how I'd be received when I got to where I was going. Maybe.
- Instead of 'put all my trust in Rain Spirit II', 'put all my trust in my horse'.
- Instead of 'not by the expressions of their contrition', how about 'not by their expressions of contrition'?
- Instead of 'one more time just how flimsy was the fabric of allegiance', maybe try 'one more time just how flimsy the fabric of allegiance can be'.
- take their position(s) on the road.
- could be used on (use during) toe-to-toe combat
- As the first group marched (roughly) four across and ten deep,
- the standing soldiers behind them firing (instead of fired) theirs
- the systematic flurry of darts (use ammunition so you don't repeat darts too many times.)
- Still they moved toward us, tumbling into the road and were stepped over. I'd suggest 'Still they moved toward us, tumbling into the road, becoming part of it.
- Within a half hour, it had ended. I'd say 'Within a half hour, the exchange was over.'
- Not one (soldier) in the Kabeezan Army had fallen. Profound!
- a gift bagful? I don't like this. It reminds me of Baa Baa Black Sheep.
- a tight circle around their Father Ziltinaur (period). New sentence with His hounds
- that is a good thing, a (very) good thing.
- And everyone wants to be a good little boy, instead use a different word than good - maybe decent or obedient or virtuous. There is such a thing as too much good. :)
- When you're using the word 'gift', watch the over usage. Maybe try present or bestowal or endowment - those are fancy words, but they might work.
- Same with the word 'bag'. Maybe satchel or sack.
I always read this stuff out loud. It helps me process the action because there's a lot of it. And also so all the dialog sounds realistic.
This is my favorite chapter so far. I should have named one of my kids with 'aur' at the end. 'Desmondaur' It's righteous.
Love,
Mary ox
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Hey, Jay!
Super duper job on the build in this chapter. I was hoping for a nice payoff at the end. I personally prefer my savage gore subtle, just as you revealed.
Nice!
Here's my suggestions:
- I think your children would agree (leave out the 'with me'). I don't think you need it.
- legs extruding - perhaps you can use legs protruding?
- was a latch of some kind (period). New sentence with He
- I wasn't sure of my reception where I was going. Sounds awkward? Maybe something like - I wasn't sure how I'd be received when I got to where I was going. Maybe.
- Instead of 'put all my trust in Rain Spirit II', 'put all my trust in my horse'.
- Instead of 'not by the expressions of their contrition', how about 'not by their expressions of contrition'?
- Instead of 'one more time just how flimsy was the fabric of allegiance', maybe try 'one more time just how flimsy the fabric of allegiance can be'.
- take their position(s) on the road.
- could be used on (use during) toe-to-toe combat
- As the first group marched (roughly) four across and ten deep,
- the standing soldiers behind them firing (instead of fired) theirs
- the systematic flurry of darts (use ammunition so you don't repeat darts too many times.)
- Still they moved toward us, tumbling into the road and were stepped over. I'd suggest 'Still they moved toward us, tumbling into the road, becoming part of it.
- Within a half hour, it had ended. I'd say 'Within a half hour, the exchange was over.'
- Not one (soldier) in the Kabeezan Army had fallen. Profound!
- a gift bagful? I don't like this. It reminds me of Baa Baa Black Sheep.
- a tight circle around their Father Ziltinaur (period). New sentence with His hounds
- that is a good thing, a (very) good thing.
- And everyone wants to be a good little boy, instead use a different word than good - maybe decent or obedient or virtuous. There is such a thing as too much good. :)
- When you're using the word 'gift', watch the over usage. Maybe try present or bestowal or endowment - those are fancy words, but they might work.
- Same with the word 'bag'. Maybe satchel or sack.
I always read this stuff out loud. It helps me process the action because there's a lot of it. And also so all the dialog sounds realistic.
This is my favorite chapter so far. I should have named one of my kids with 'aur' at the end. 'Desmondaur' It's righteous.
Love,
Mary ox
Comment Written 12-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Oh, Mary, such meaty stuff. I go through your posts and feel fortunate to come up with a missed space. You are good. Did you say you used to be an editor? Are now? I am going to paste all of this in my folder and use it for the final edit. You are SO good! I know I said that, but it bears repeating. Bless you!
Comment from Writingfundimension
This chapter makes me wonder what I would do if I was to be transported to another time/dimension and had knowledge that would save lives with that knowledge? I think I would feel that I had righted an ancient wrong, albeit in another place and time. Great chapter, Jay. Doctrex has now become a bona fide general. :) Bev
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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This chapter makes me wonder what I would do if I was to be transported to another time/dimension and had knowledge that would save lives with that knowledge? I think I would feel that I had righted an ancient wrong, albeit in another place and time. Great chapter, Jay. Doctrex has now become a bona fide general. :) Bev
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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I never thought of righting an ancient wrong. Neat! That's empowering!
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:)
Comment from lindalcreel
So Doctrix was right all along. I hope the men realize it's not their beloved saint they are going after, but Rheuther's men. Rheuther never seems to amaze me with all the tricks he pulls. This did remind me of the Trojan horse. You did an excellent job of turning the tides, but Doctrix and his men aren't out of the woods yet.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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So Doctrix was right all along. I hope the men realize it's not their beloved saint they are going after, but Rheuther's men. Rheuther never seems to amaze me with all the tricks he pulls. This did remind me of the Trojan horse. You did an excellent job of turning the tides, but Doctrix and his men aren't out of the woods yet.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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Yes, it was very intentional on my part to parallel the Trojan Horse scenario, until Doctrex could do his thing. Appreciate your visit.
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Always a pleasure.
Comment from krprice
Excellent chapter.
This Father Ziltinaur is not the Santa Claus of earth. It is a great idea.
I look forward to more.
Karlene
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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Excellent chapter.
This Father Ziltinaur is not the Santa Claus of earth. It is a great idea.
I look forward to more.
Karlene
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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That was an interesting creative evolution. I had the idea of the Trojan Horse all along, with the soldiers inside Ziltinaur. It wasn't until the actual first draft writing and thinking about what could be the opposite, yet potentially deadly, mindset (compared to the bogey man) that would lead the mean to be non-resistent. Before the mean were only going to be inside Ziltinaur. When I got the idea of Santa Claus, it was a piece of cake to add a bagful of men as well. The rest, as they say, is history.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
Image creation, lots of questions left, hypnotic trance, holding, play on past history, more to come in that vine, alive or dead, what happened to the plans sent for portable weapon, eyes fixed, background seeking, enjoying, Walt
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Image creation, lots of questions left, hypnotic trance, holding, play on past history, more to come in that vine, alive or dead, what happened to the plans sent for portable weapon, eyes fixed, background seeking, enjoying, Walt
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Thank you once again, for that lovely chartreuse cross. It goes so well with the very staid and disciplined five stars in a row!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
How horrible! Doctrex once again makes the right choice and his men are saved. I am sure they are glad, even though they weren't happy when he first slayed the giant.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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How horrible! Doctrex once again makes the right choice and his men are saved. I am sure they are glad, even though they weren't happy when he first slayed the giant.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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You're right... They are glad, they were sad, before that they were mad. Poor Doctrex. Is there ever going to be consistency in his fighting force?
Comment from Fridayauthor
Another very good chapter with lots going on.
It takes a re-read to make sure the final is truly a what-might-have-happened. The sitting on the ground confused me as that's where he was after being wounded.
flimsy was the fabric of allegiance. ... nice line.
Within a half-hour it had ended. ... the way they were falling and the limited number, makes me think a lot less time...
I'm off to probably have a tooth implant...
Good job, Jay.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Another very good chapter with lots going on.
It takes a re-read to make sure the final is truly a what-might-have-happened. The sitting on the ground confused me as that's where he was after being wounded.
flimsy was the fabric of allegiance. ... nice line.
Within a half-hour it had ended. ... the way they were falling and the limited number, makes me think a lot less time...
I'm off to probably have a tooth implant...
Good job, Jay.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Ahh, wishing I could have opted for the implant. They would have needed four implants. That and the partials would have been $14,000. I had to opt for partials on the bottom, full dentures on the top. Will never enjoy steak again! LOL, but hey, see how easily diverted I get. Thanks my friend ... and the point's well taken on the imagined scenario. In the rewrite, I might cut that out altogether. I've had two reviewers think it actually happened! Good luck with the implant surgery.
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I liked the imagined part. Perhaps it could be squeezed in before?
I'm off to Algadonas, Mexico. If you'd opted for south of the border, you'd be eating steak now.
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No,it would have made me want the implants more, but money was tight. Alas! Did not make wise plans for retirement. I'll look over the imagined part some more then. I don't know why, but I was thinking you would be most critical of it.
