THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "ZILTINAUR'S BAG O' GIFTS (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
26 total reviews
Comment from justafan
What a mind you have!!! This is incredible, Jay. I am reading it backwards and I still love it!! Now, what to say...Okay, I am gonna go with ... WOW!!
Well done, my friend. :)
Always,
Missy
ATB (wink wink)
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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What a mind you have!!! This is incredible, Jay. I am reading it backwards and I still love it!! Now, what to say...Okay, I am gonna go with ... WOW!!
Well done, my friend. :)
Always,
Missy
ATB (wink wink)
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Thanks, Missy! You know you don't have to do this. I appreciate it, though. This is one of my favorite chapters of the book (this and part I).
Comment from Tina McKala
now only lets hope that the soldiers would man up and recognize the danger before the danger eats them. the parallel with the troy and the horse was well executed. very good idea! again, no suggestions, it reads smoothly, and dives deep into psychology, and it is a fascinating read!
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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now only lets hope that the soldiers would man up and recognize the danger before the danger eats them. the parallel with the troy and the horse was well executed. very good idea! again, no suggestions, it reads smoothly, and dives deep into psychology, and it is a fascinating read!
Comment Written 23-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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I'm so happy you like this chapter and the next (I peeked at your review). I spent an awfully long time on them, to get them just right.
Comment from Twilightspire
A gigantic Trojan Santa Horse! Brilliant! Another excellently written chapter. I get the mood shift now and am glad you quickly jumped us to fight or flight mode again. Great work on the pace and descriptions in this piece. You really know how to get a story back on track in record time.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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A gigantic Trojan Santa Horse! Brilliant! Another excellently written chapter. I get the mood shift now and am glad you quickly jumped us to fight or flight mode again. Great work on the pace and descriptions in this piece. You really know how to get a story back on track in record time.
-T.J.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Ah, my hunch was right! You weren't disappointed. Haha, I just got that, "A gigantic Trojan Santa Horse"! Funny.
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
This was very good, I really dug the bizarre, Santa-esque character that you had. I can tell you have a really rich lore here and your characters, particularly your lead Doctrex, has a fully realized personality. "I brought my eyes down to his leg where I had a clear view of the effectiveness of my surgery." Loved this sentence, the use of surgery was superb. A few very minor nitpicks: "feeling suddenly all alone and vulnerable." I would swap feeling and suddenly. Also "withdrew my sword", I think drew would be more effective. Great stuff here, interested in checking out the rest.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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This was very good, I really dug the bizarre, Santa-esque character that you had. I can tell you have a really rich lore here and your characters, particularly your lead Doctrex, has a fully realized personality. "I brought my eyes down to his leg where I had a clear view of the effectiveness of my surgery." Loved this sentence, the use of surgery was superb. A few very minor nitpicks: "feeling suddenly all alone and vulnerable." I would swap feeling and suddenly. Also "withdrew my sword", I think drew would be more effective. Great stuff here, interested in checking out the rest.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Thank you, my young friend. I like your close read of my work. I'm glad you chose this chapter. It's one of my favorites. I made both those suggested changes. You were spot on! Thanks again.
Comment from lindalcreel
Doctrix was wise to meet with the "Santa Clause" alone. If the men could see that this was another illusion courtesy of Rheuther, they would know they were being tricked and that would make them even more loyal to Doctrix. We'll see what happens next and if I'm right.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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Doctrix was wise to meet with the "Santa Clause" alone. If the men could see that this was another illusion courtesy of Rheuther, they would know they were being tricked and that would make them even more loyal to Doctrix. We'll see what happens next and if I'm right.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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You are pretty much spot on, Linda. Of course they will feel all the expected contrition after there is proof that Ziltinaur was full of warriors. I can say this, knowing you've read and reviewed the other chapters.
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Looking forward to what Rheuther has planned next. It's good to know that he was weakened by this last attempt at destroying Doctrix.
Comment from krprice
I couldn't let that happen.. . .Whatever, was going to be done to stop him, clearly was on me!
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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I couldn't let that happen.. . .Whatever, was going to be done to stop him, clearly was on me!
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Karlene. Are you saying I should eliminate the sentence that was between the two you have above? Something to think about in the interest of word economy. I'll have to mull that over. Thanks for reading this and for your kind words.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Oh Jay you showed that Doctrex couldn't be fooled by ZILTINAUR.
It sounds like the so called gentle steel giant is an oversize Grinch.
Gert
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Oh Jay you showed that Doctrex couldn't be fooled by ZILTINAUR.
It sounds like the so called gentle steel giant is an oversize Grinch.
Gert
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Ha! A good description, Gert. Thanks.
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You are welcome
Gert
Comment from Walter L. Jones
Bad boy what are you going to do when they come for you, clever stuff, held me at watch and see, courage, a leader, better than expected, a writer, expected.. Walt
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Bad boy what are you going to do when they come for you, clever stuff, held me at watch and see, courage, a leader, better than expected, a writer, expected.. Walt
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Now I'm gonna have the "Bad Boy" lyrics running through my mind for the rest of the afternoon. Thanks! No, really, thanks for the lovely 6 star rating!
Comment from Dashjianta
Hi Jay,
I enjoyed this chapter, even without knowing everything that's happened before. The way its written, there's enough detail through Doctrex's thoughts for me to jump in and understand what is happening and not feel lost. I like the concept of Ziltinaur being a giant projection of Santa and the comparison with the trojan horse. I also enjoyed the confrontation between Ziltinaur and Doctrex--though brief, or BECAUSE it's brief, rather--Doctrex's attack on Ziltinaur is very believable. And the reactions of the men watching adds a nice extra dimension which adds life to the scene.
Oops. Almost forgot to say--nice hook to end a chapter on. Keeps me wanting to read to find out what's under the cover.
Only a couple of crits. First is the length of some of the sentences, especially during the attack on Ziltinaur. When you come back to edit it'd be worth trying to shorten them or split them up. This will give a nice contrast to the earlier part of the chapter when he's watching Ziltinaur's approach and to the calmness of his thoughts immediately preceeding his attack.
Also watch how much you're using adverbs. I picked out one example where I think you could reduce their usage, but there were a couple of others where you could delete them without losing any meaning. (use of 'suddenly' was one example) or where a stronger single word would work better.
Didn't do a line edit this time, but did note some things that stood out:
Thoughts and Suggestions:
They glanced at me impatiently, reproachfully, then smilingly up at Ziltinaur.
--Careful of using so many adverbs this close together. It was smilingly that knocked me out of the flow. Suggest: They glanced at me, impatient and reproachful, then smiled up at Ziltinaur.
They came to me as though I were their father and they were my petulant children just wanting to finish the game they had started before being told to come inside for the evening.
--This works well because it conveys the emotions through a description people can relate to.
At this point(,) I wasn't sure the brothers had the will to resist Ziltinaur's magical charm
--Comma after the time reference.
I was tempted to hum a few bars of My Kabeez.
--Nice injection of his impulse here.
I noticed there was momentary movement inside it that settled to stillness
--Use 'a' instead of 'there was'?
The instant it brushed past me, I had Rain Spirit II turned, and raising my sword...
--Move the second comma to after 'and' or it can be misread as Rain Spirit II raising the sword. (Or I did anyway) Also consider killing the last comma in this sentence.
I brought the sword back the (a) third time
I sensed his right heel was starting to raise as I
--Replace 'was starting' with 'start' and 'raise' with 'rise' (read an article in a magazine where an agent/editor (don't remember which) automatically kills any of use of 'started', 'began', etc. Personally I don't agree with it, but it's worth bearing in mind.)
the marriage of my muscle, sinew and adrenalized thrust drove the blade with unerring guidance to and through the opened mesh.
--excellent description. Perhaps consider 'precission' instead of 'guidance'.
which would have sent him careening noisily down into the valley; whether from memory of mission or projected will
--Would suggested a new sentence rather than a semi-collon here. The sentence is a wee bit long to follow as it is.
If there's anything specific you'd like to ask please do.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Hi Jay,
I enjoyed this chapter, even without knowing everything that's happened before. The way its written, there's enough detail through Doctrex's thoughts for me to jump in and understand what is happening and not feel lost. I like the concept of Ziltinaur being a giant projection of Santa and the comparison with the trojan horse. I also enjoyed the confrontation between Ziltinaur and Doctrex--though brief, or BECAUSE it's brief, rather--Doctrex's attack on Ziltinaur is very believable. And the reactions of the men watching adds a nice extra dimension which adds life to the scene.
Oops. Almost forgot to say--nice hook to end a chapter on. Keeps me wanting to read to find out what's under the cover.
Only a couple of crits. First is the length of some of the sentences, especially during the attack on Ziltinaur. When you come back to edit it'd be worth trying to shorten them or split them up. This will give a nice contrast to the earlier part of the chapter when he's watching Ziltinaur's approach and to the calmness of his thoughts immediately preceeding his attack.
Also watch how much you're using adverbs. I picked out one example where I think you could reduce their usage, but there were a couple of others where you could delete them without losing any meaning. (use of 'suddenly' was one example) or where a stronger single word would work better.
Didn't do a line edit this time, but did note some things that stood out:
Thoughts and Suggestions:
They glanced at me impatiently, reproachfully, then smilingly up at Ziltinaur.
--Careful of using so many adverbs this close together. It was smilingly that knocked me out of the flow. Suggest: They glanced at me, impatient and reproachful, then smiled up at Ziltinaur.
They came to me as though I were their father and they were my petulant children just wanting to finish the game they had started before being told to come inside for the evening.
--This works well because it conveys the emotions through a description people can relate to.
At this point(,) I wasn't sure the brothers had the will to resist Ziltinaur's magical charm
--Comma after the time reference.
I was tempted to hum a few bars of My Kabeez.
--Nice injection of his impulse here.
I noticed there was momentary movement inside it that settled to stillness
--Use 'a' instead of 'there was'?
The instant it brushed past me, I had Rain Spirit II turned, and raising my sword...
--Move the second comma to after 'and' or it can be misread as Rain Spirit II raising the sword. (Or I did anyway) Also consider killing the last comma in this sentence.
I brought the sword back the (a) third time
I sensed his right heel was starting to raise as I
--Replace 'was starting' with 'start' and 'raise' with 'rise' (read an article in a magazine where an agent/editor (don't remember which) automatically kills any of use of 'started', 'began', etc. Personally I don't agree with it, but it's worth bearing in mind.)
the marriage of my muscle, sinew and adrenalized thrust drove the blade with unerring guidance to and through the opened mesh.
--excellent description. Perhaps consider 'precission' instead of 'guidance'.
which would have sent him careening noisily down into the valley; whether from memory of mission or projected will
--Would suggested a new sentence rather than a semi-collon here. The sentence is a wee bit long to follow as it is.
If there's anything specific you'd like to ask please do.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Thanks one more time for your CLOSE READ of this chapter. I especially appreciate your information of what editors may reject for. Again, this will be pasted into my folder for my next edit. I feel so indebted to you.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi Jay. Well, he is a braver person than I am. The readers had to know this was not 'father Xmas'...but how to proove it and not get killed.
I expect something nasty this way ccomes...
padumachitta
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Hi Jay. Well, he is a braver person than I am. The readers had to know this was not 'father Xmas'...but how to proove it and not get killed.
I expect something nasty this way ccomes...
padumachitta
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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I love it: "something nasty this way comes!" Thanks for reading this chapter. From the sheer attention to detail it required, it was one of my better chapters to write.