THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "1,000 FATHERLESS BROTHERS (Pt.1) "JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
22 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
the mind is playing dirty games, ruether strikes again. the dialogue was very good, you also hinted from the beginning the meeting wouldbe strange - with sheleck being in shadows, his face hidden.
it's easy to say don't listen to the voices in your head, but then, when the phantoms visit you in your tent, it's so much harder to execute this 'ignore it' attitude.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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the mind is playing dirty games, ruether strikes again. the dialogue was very good, you also hinted from the beginning the meeting wouldbe strange - with sheleck being in shadows, his face hidden.
it's easy to say don't listen to the voices in your head, but then, when the phantoms visit you in your tent, it's so much harder to execute this 'ignore it' attitude.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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Thanks for your kind words, Tina. Yes, voices can be very real and it's good to know you're not alone in hearing them.
Comment from Dashjianta
A short one but a good one. After all Doctrex's talk of brotherhood, Glnot goes for the throat and target's Doctrex's doubts in his own words. And he uses the illusion of the two people he trust's most to do it. Good descriptions of the fake brothers' entry and the way Sheleck avoids looking at him to hide the illusion as long as possible.
And then Doctrex goes and breaks his own advice by sending Engle away instead of telling him.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
"I robbed myself of my sleep,(.)" I tried to laugh, but it fell flat.
Giln stared into my eyes and a slow smile spread his lips across his teeth. //With difficulty I took my eyes off him and turned them to Sheleck. "And Sheleck, do you--think I'm a fraud?"
--New para at //?
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2015
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A short one but a good one. After all Doctrex's talk of brotherhood, Glnot goes for the throat and target's Doctrex's doubts in his own words. And he uses the illusion of the two people he trust's most to do it. Good descriptions of the fake brothers' entry and the way Sheleck avoids looking at him to hide the illusion as long as possible.
And then Doctrex goes and breaks his own advice by sending Engle away instead of telling him.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
"I robbed myself of my sleep,(.)" I tried to laugh, but it fell flat.
Giln stared into my eyes and a slow smile spread his lips across his teeth. //With difficulty I took my eyes off him and turned them to Sheleck. "And Sheleck, do you--think I'm a fraud?"
--New para at //?
Comment Written 15-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2015
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Thanks for the six! Glad this resonated with you.
Comment from Twilightspire
Whoa, that was freaky and weird that it mirrored my earlier observations in the previous post.
This was what I was afraid of, somehow Doctrex's past coming back to bite him in the butt.
Glnot is a slippery little man, using the brothers like that to drive home Doctrex's own insecurities.
Fabulous work on this chapter, one of my favorite so far just for the implications and the eeriness factor.
:D
-T.J.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Whoa, that was freaky and weird that it mirrored my earlier observations in the previous post.
This was what I was afraid of, somehow Doctrex's past coming back to bite him in the butt.
Glnot is a slippery little man, using the brothers like that to drive home Doctrex's own insecurities.
Fabulous work on this chapter, one of my favorite so far just for the implications and the eeriness factor.
:D
-T.J.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Thanks, TJ. Yes, I enjoyed the undercurrents that went through this chapter, some foreshadowing and the feeling that dreams have of lingering on after the dreamer wakens.
Comment from lindalcreel
So Rheuther is playing another game making Doctrix doubt the support of his men. It's the same old divide and conquer rule when dealing with your enemy. I wonder how Doctrix is going to fix this. Could there be some truth in what was said in the dream?
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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So Rheuther is playing another game making Doctrix doubt the support of his men. It's the same old divide and conquer rule when dealing with your enemy. I wonder how Doctrix is going to fix this. Could there be some truth in what was said in the dream?
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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Oh, yes, there's a ton of truth in what the brothers said in the dream. It represents all his fears and self-doubts. Doctrex has not hidden it from the readers that he is a fraud. He feels that to his marrow and knows he is "playing a very serious game of general".
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Still, they don't know the truth yet, but if Rheuther has anything to do about it, the soldiers will find out.
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid words like heard, smelled, felt, and saw.
"What is it, brothers?" I asked, . . .
"They're using Zurn as. . . "The say a strong general is. . . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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Try to avoid words like heard, smelled, felt, and saw.
"What is it, brothers?" I asked, . . .
"They're using Zurn as. . . "The say a strong general is. . . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
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I keep looking back at the quotes you have above, but they don't tell me what you think needs correction. I DO go over every suggestion in the final edit, but only as long as I can see what the reviewer says needs tweaking.
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"What is it, brothers?"--comma before brothers.
In the second quote, the g in general should not be in caps.
Karlene
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And both are excellent catches. Thanks, I'll make the changes now.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Terrific use of the magick to reveal what I feel is an important element in this military story. Doctrex is not an average leader, he knows it and now the reader is reminded that everything hangs on how well he can pull off his unique style of leadership. Will it bring success to a war that is fought as much in the mind as with the body, or will it bring on defeat? Very well done, Jay.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2014
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Terrific use of the magick to reveal what I feel is an important element in this military story. Doctrex is not an average leader, he knows it and now the reader is reminded that everything hangs on how well he can pull off his unique style of leadership. Will it bring success to a war that is fought as much in the mind as with the body, or will it bring on defeat? Very well done, Jay.
:) Bev
Comment Written 04-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Bev, for this in-depth review. Too many people overlook the fact that Doctrex is a "fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants" general. In this connection I think you'll enjoy the next couple of chapters.
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Sounds awesome, Jay. :)
Comment from innerworlds
1. ""It can't wait until morning? Who're we?" ... I'm very glad that you used an apostrophe on the word "Who're"! But... would it better to to use "Who are"?
2. "What is it brothers," I said, not able to stifle a yawn" ... Is a question mark needed after "brothers"?
I must say that this is the second time I've been disappointed in Doctrex since I first started reading "The Trining". Both times, two of his soldiers were acting unlike themselves and he still didn't suspect that something was amiss right away, even beginning to doubt himself at one point. Fortunately, however, this time he eventually recognized the situation ... but only after several clues that his visitor's behavior was suspect. Not a good thing for a general who just announced to his troops that they should be alert for such anomalies.
You mentioned earlier that there might be some SPAG problems, and I certainly can't dock you any stars because I don't like Doctrex's behavior. But I just don't feel that this chapter is a six star contender yet. But it sure is a good read!!!
Looking forward to the next chapter!
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2014
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1. ""It can't wait until morning? Who're we?" ... I'm very glad that you used an apostrophe on the word "Who're"! But... would it better to to use "Who are"?
2. "What is it brothers," I said, not able to stifle a yawn" ... Is a question mark needed after "brothers"?
I must say that this is the second time I've been disappointed in Doctrex since I first started reading "The Trining". Both times, two of his soldiers were acting unlike themselves and he still didn't suspect that something was amiss right away, even beginning to doubt himself at one point. Fortunately, however, this time he eventually recognized the situation ... but only after several clues that his visitor's behavior was suspect. Not a good thing for a general who just announced to his troops that they should be alert for such anomalies.
You mentioned earlier that there might be some SPAG problems, and I certainly can't dock you any stars because I don't like Doctrex's behavior. But I just don't feel that this chapter is a six star contender yet. But it sure is a good read!!!
Looking forward to the next chapter!
Comment Written 04-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2014
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Okay, you talked me into it. "Who're" no more. That's how it would be pronounced in New York, where the who'res walk the street.
Took care of the question mark, too.
Both good catches. Thanks Randi
I can understand your disappointment of Doctrex's behavior. You did recognize it as a "vision", though, didn't you? And as visions (or dreams anyway) usually are populated by whatever in in your unconscious mind ... and I'm sure Doctrex's mind was roiling with self-doubts about his relationship with his men and the effects of his speech on them--as demonstrated by his request for Giln to get an idea of the mood of the men. And, I don't know how it is with you, but with me and Doctrex, the effects of a powerful dream will carry over into the next chapter. LOL, more than you needed to know?
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Are you sure you're not a psychologist? Very deep stuff written there.
I'll see both you and Doctrex in the next chapter.
... And, no, it isn't possible to know more than I needed. I have an insatiable appetite for knowing.
I've been up watching the election results. I would like to know what makes people choose certain candidates. Baffling.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi..well, piss. I mean he just can't seem to get these guys to understand. And showing some compasssion for Zurn, you'd think it would raise his merit. I think something is about, something in the air, and these men are being fed some pretty bad stuff...poor Doctrex. Well, there is lots more book to go..and it will get better for him, I hope.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2014
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Hi..well, piss. I mean he just can't seem to get these guys to understand. And showing some compasssion for Zurn, you'd think it would raise his merit. I think something is about, something in the air, and these men are being fed some pretty bad stuff...poor Doctrex. Well, there is lots more book to go..and it will get better for him, I hope.
padumachitta
Comment Written 04-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2014
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I think you're gonna like the next three chapters, though, Padumachitta. If I can get you to sit in your chair long enough. LOL, hope you had a nice trip.
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is yet another interesting addition to the story that the author has created with this piece of work. This is very good indeed and I am getting into this now.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2014
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This is yet another interesting addition to the story that the author has created with this piece of work. This is very good indeed and I am getting into this now.
Comment Written 03-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2014
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I'm glad you're enjoying it, Tomes. The real battle starts next chapter. But it's a battle like you've never heard of before. Don't forget this is a fantasy!
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Yes indeed. Thank you.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
Loved the title, another got you, as the mind works, so much fleeting, writer stirring the pot, friends, at call, let us not seek, let us capture not kill, wonder whose magic will work, she still in the wings, always good or another cup of coffee..Walt
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2014
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Loved the title, another got you, as the mind works, so much fleeting, writer stirring the pot, friends, at call, let us not seek, let us capture not kill, wonder whose magic will work, she still in the wings, always good or another cup of coffee..Walt
Comment Written 03-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2014
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You just hunger for his lust interest don't you, you dirty old man? LOL, thanks a heap for the 6 stars. I had a hunch you'd like this.