THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "TWO SADDLES, ONE EMPTY CORPSE (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
23 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
i wonder what glnot's intention with the two fallen phantoms was. to keep doctrex and his men in fear? i guess i have to read on to find out :)
again, no suggestions :)
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
  |
i wonder what glnot's intention with the two fallen phantoms was. to keep doctrex and his men in fear? i guess i have to read on to find out :)
again, no suggestions :)
Comment Written 23-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
-
Thanks Tina. No suggestions is good news! The thanks are all the same.
Comment from Dashjianta
So if the missing soldiers were never missing, where did the empty crossans come from--would they crumble to ash if poked with scissors too, or will they just vanish when nobody's looking/believing in them? Not that it matters, just what I wondered when I got to the end.
Story's continue to flow at a good pace, and the continuing attacks from Glnot keep things interesting and leave me wondering what will come next.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
The snow came and stopped so quickly, and the blanket thrown off so soon,
--I want to out a 'was' after blanket to tie in with 'came'--don't know if that's right or not. Hmm...reading the whole sentence again, probably not.
leaning in on each other to keep warm.There would be fuel enough
--Missing space after the full stop.
The brothers had their torch lit in their tent and their silhouette(s?) crawled on the canvas.
--Depends on how squished together they are.
get the stretcher and to secrete the body back to the medics' wagon
--Is 'secrete' the right word here? (It means 'hide' yes? (just checking it's not got another meaning I don't know--(no, not THAT one. No turning the body into squishy goo;))) so would read as 'hide the body back to the medic's wagon') If you said 'to secrete the body at/in the medics' wagon' it would be a better fit. If you keep it as it is sneak/smuggle would work better.
And, one of the birds had one of the Advance Intelligence men's head(s)--Arz's head--in its talons.
--Instinct is telling me it should be plural 'one of their heads' not 'one of their head', otherwise its one of one.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2015
|
So if the missing soldiers were never missing, where did the empty crossans come from--would they crumble to ash if poked with scissors too, or will they just vanish when nobody's looking/believing in them? Not that it matters, just what I wondered when I got to the end.
Story's continue to flow at a good pace, and the continuing attacks from Glnot keep things interesting and leave me wondering what will come next.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
The snow came and stopped so quickly, and the blanket thrown off so soon,
--I want to out a 'was' after blanket to tie in with 'came'--don't know if that's right or not. Hmm...reading the whole sentence again, probably not.
leaning in on each other to keep warm.There would be fuel enough
--Missing space after the full stop.
The brothers had their torch lit in their tent and their silhouette(s?) crawled on the canvas.
--Depends on how squished together they are.
get the stretcher and to secrete the body back to the medics' wagon
--Is 'secrete' the right word here? (It means 'hide' yes? (just checking it's not got another meaning I don't know--(no, not THAT one. No turning the body into squishy goo;))) so would read as 'hide the body back to the medic's wagon') If you said 'to secrete the body at/in the medics' wagon' it would be a better fit. If you keep it as it is sneak/smuggle would work better.
And, one of the birds had one of the Advance Intelligence men's head(s)--Arz's head--in its talons.
--Instinct is telling me it should be plural 'one of their heads' not 'one of their head', otherwise its one of one.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2015
-
Doing eight reviews in a day, must be exhausting, dear Alex, or you are simply a masochist. LOL, thanks though for another fine review.
Comment from Twilightspire
Nicely written! You add enough tension to make us tear through the chapter and at the end, give us a glimpse of Glnot's strategy.
Like Glnot himself, you managed to hide the strategy in plain sight. All of us were reading the same story, but I never put it together in this way until Doctrex came out and said it, then it all clicked into place. Fantastic pacing and build with this. Being able to look ahead and plant little ideas in the body of the story is a touch of a true master. Wonderful work, my friend.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
 |
Nicely written! You add enough tension to make us tear through the chapter and at the end, give us a glimpse of Glnot's strategy.
Like Glnot himself, you managed to hide the strategy in plain sight. All of us were reading the same story, but I never put it together in this way until Doctrex came out and said it, then it all clicked into place. Fantastic pacing and build with this. Being able to look ahead and plant little ideas in the body of the story is a touch of a true master. Wonderful work, my friend.
-T.J.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
-
OMG, TJ. Such high praise. I have to go to the doctor today for my annual exam. I hope he doesn't take measurements of my skull! There might be an unexplained enlargement. Hahaha, thanks for the six stars my friend.
Comment from jaeladarling
I'm so glad to finally have time to get caught up on this story! I got flooded with work, and I haven't had any free time. Some interesting things going on here - smoke and mirrors. :) I'm looking forward to seeing how this thing is fought and won.
Great chapter - on to the next!
Suggestions:
"to keep warm.There would" (Space after the period)
"their own special warmth," (No comma)
"our inner resolve and I felt" (Comma after "resolve")
"in their tent and their silhouette" (Comma after "tent")
"And, the cook didn't mind" (No comma)
"After a while something broke his spell and" ("After a while, something broke his spell, and")
"but as you can see we've" (Comma after "see")
"What does that mean, Engle." (Question mark)
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
|
I'm so glad to finally have time to get caught up on this story! I got flooded with work, and I haven't had any free time. Some interesting things going on here - smoke and mirrors. :) I'm looking forward to seeing how this thing is fought and won.
Great chapter - on to the next!
Suggestions:
"to keep warm.There would" (Space after the period)
"their own special warmth," (No comma)
"our inner resolve and I felt" (Comma after "resolve")
"in their tent and their silhouette" (Comma after "tent")
"And, the cook didn't mind" (No comma)
"After a while something broke his spell and" ("After a while, something broke his spell, and")
"but as you can see we've" (Comma after "see")
"What does that mean, Engle." (Question mark)
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
-
But you've gotta admit, I keep you less busy, right? I could have sworn I got rid of all the commas after "and" and "but"; I see I'm forgetting them before, though. Sure glad to have you back, Jaela.
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A good story which kept my interest and concentration to the end. The descriptive content was easy to follow. Thanks for sharing and no need to suggest any changes .Mary
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
|
A good story which kept my interest and concentration to the end. The descriptive content was easy to follow. Thanks for sharing and no need to suggest any changes .Mary
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
-
Thank you so much, Mary. I'm really enjoying having you aboard.
Comment from innerworlds
I like your use of
1. The fuel for the fire came from the brush they had been uncovering from (its) blanket of snow. Since this sentence headed a new paragraph, it took a moment for me to figure out what "its" referred to. Might be my medication brain, though.
2. "Serendipitously" is a mighty big word for a simple concept. (And the computer kept reminding me that it was not spelled correctly.) Would a more common term, such as "Fortunately", better suit the military style of speech? And should this sentence be placed at the end of the previous paragraph to match the subject matter?
3. Giln and Sheleck were in their tent(,) next to mine.. Is this comma needed?
4. "secrete the body back to" the medics' wagon...I'm not sure about this usage, but if 'secrete' means 'conceal', would one conceal the body 'to' or 'in' the medics wagon?
5. Go to Braim(')s wagon. Possessive comma?
6.
1. The fuel for the fire came from the brush they had been uncovering from (its) blanket of snow. Since this sentence headed a new paragraph, it took a moment for me to figure out what "its" referred to. Might be my medication brain, though.
2. "Serendipitously" is a mighty big word for a simple concept. Would "Something more common, such as "Fortunately" better suit the military style of speech? And should this sentence be placed at the end of the previous paragraph to match the subject matter?
3. Giln and Sheleck were in their tent(,) next to mine.. is this comma needed?
4. "secrete the body back to" the medics' wagon...I'm not sure about this usage, but if 'secrete' means 'conceal', would one conceal the body 'to' or 'in' the medics wagon?
5. Go to Braim(')s wagon. Possessive comma?
That's it! I must be regaining my health. I'm getting picky again!
As usual, your writing is loaded with mystery and intrigue. Couldn't give it six stars, but five stars is right there on the edge!
Looking forward to more! Nice work!
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014
|
I like your use of
1. The fuel for the fire came from the brush they had been uncovering from (its) blanket of snow. Since this sentence headed a new paragraph, it took a moment for me to figure out what "its" referred to. Might be my medication brain, though.
2. "Serendipitously" is a mighty big word for a simple concept. (And the computer kept reminding me that it was not spelled correctly.) Would a more common term, such as "Fortunately", better suit the military style of speech? And should this sentence be placed at the end of the previous paragraph to match the subject matter?
3. Giln and Sheleck were in their tent(,) next to mine.. Is this comma needed?
4. "secrete the body back to" the medics' wagon...I'm not sure about this usage, but if 'secrete' means 'conceal', would one conceal the body 'to' or 'in' the medics wagon?
5. Go to Braim(')s wagon. Possessive comma?
6.
1. The fuel for the fire came from the brush they had been uncovering from (its) blanket of snow. Since this sentence headed a new paragraph, it took a moment for me to figure out what "its" referred to. Might be my medication brain, though.
2. "Serendipitously" is a mighty big word for a simple concept. Would "Something more common, such as "Fortunately" better suit the military style of speech? And should this sentence be placed at the end of the previous paragraph to match the subject matter?
3. Giln and Sheleck were in their tent(,) next to mine.. is this comma needed?
4. "secrete the body back to" the medics' wagon...I'm not sure about this usage, but if 'secrete' means 'conceal', would one conceal the body 'to' or 'in' the medics wagon?
5. Go to Braim(')s wagon. Possessive comma?
That's it! I must be regaining my health. I'm getting picky again!
As usual, your writing is loaded with mystery and intrigue. Couldn't give it six stars, but five stars is right there on the edge!
Looking forward to more! Nice work!
Comment Written 28-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014
-
Now you're back, Randi! LOL, Thanks for the close read. Phew! Not nearly as bad as it looked at first. You duplicated 1-5 and 6 was a blank. No, it's not your medicated brain about the paragraphing. I broke up some longer paragraphs so it would appear easier to read, but sometimes it wasn't done with aforethought. I'll take a close look at that with the final edit. Serendipitously was one of my vocabulary words for the week. No, not really. I just like it, I guess. But, you are absolutely right. It should only be said when wearing a tutu! No, fortunately will be better. And I've been getting too many raised eyebrows over secreting. That will be changed in the final edit. Ah-HA, but Braim's wagon is correct. It's possessive. Or, are you saying I didn't use the possessive?
I'll check these all out. See? You're good for me. Thanks.
-
The comma was absent from Braims when I read through your version.
Note: I did find that I had left a number 6 followed by a repeat of the one through five comments. BUT... I had erased the extras before I pressed SAVE. So.... can computers get Lymes Disease or am I just hallucinating?
And, by the way... you truly deserve to win accolades for your reviews... and your replies! Congratulations! Well deserved!!!
Well,it's a couple minutes before midnight. Best get to bed before I turn into a pumpkin! G'night! Signed, Cidnerella
-
Thank you ... I'll just call you Cid for short (Cidnerella)!
Comment from Sam Mendonca
This is the first writing that I have read of yours.
Excellent usage of very descriptive wording and also showing the emotions of the characters.
Looking forward to seeing where the story line goes from this point. (smile)
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014
|
This is the first writing that I have read of yours.
Excellent usage of very descriptive wording and also showing the emotions of the characters.
Looking forward to seeing where the story line goes from this point. (smile)
Comment Written 28-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014
-
Thank you, Sam. It's gotta be difficult getting in on the middle of a long 3 part Novel. You are welcome, of course! But don't feel obligated to continue on if it becomes burdensome.
Blessings, Jay
-
No problem. (Smile)
Comment from Fridayauthor
Some very nice descriptions in this chapter, Jay. You get a good sense of the surroundings.
The three communal fires seem paltry for more than a thousand. Over three hundred soldiers hunkered down around each? That, and the limited size of the food and supply capabilities still give me a problem for the size of the army.
A good chapter, and interesting twist.
Thanks!
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014
|
Some very nice descriptions in this chapter, Jay. You get a good sense of the surroundings.
The three communal fires seem paltry for more than a thousand. Over three hundred soldiers hunkered down around each? That, and the limited size of the food and supply capabilities still give me a problem for the size of the army.
A good chapter, and interesting twist.
Thanks!
Comment Written 28-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014
-
You know, you are right about the three communal fires. But, hey, it keeps Doctrex's toes toasty, right? Seriously, with just a few tweaks I can quadruple the number of communal fires (I may have to increase the size of the forest they got the wood from, but doable). About the food supply... I don't know. Maybe the explanation of the compact food (forgot what I called them) should be better, but combat troops in most all wars are used to "rations", and there weren't a source of fresh veggies.
-
I liked the compact food; it made sense. I was more concerned with days of food, three meals a day, without replenshing supplies, all carried and supplied by a single wagon.
Just being picky between sets in my tennis tournament all this week.
-
A big wagon, Ray. I mean really, REEEE-LEEEY big. LOL, I do wonder how in actual combat situations (WWII and Korean, for example), military personnel got their rations. I'm genuinely curious. They might be miles away from their supply source. Hmmm.
Comment from krprice
From outside my tent,. . .
Try to avoid unnecessary 'that's.
Try to avoid words like felt, smelled, heard, or saw.
Check for commas before a conjunction in a series of words, phrases, or clauses.
I knew Rhuether was. . .Delete I knew. You're in his POV, so it's obvious he knew.
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014
|
From outside my tent,. . .
Try to avoid unnecessary 'that's.
Try to avoid words like felt, smelled, heard, or saw.
Check for commas before a conjunction in a series of words, phrases, or clauses.
I knew Rhuether was. . .Delete I knew. You're in his POV, so it's obvious he knew.
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 28-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2014
-
I deleted "I knew". You were right. Unnecessary "thats"! Really, Karlene? Sometime I'm gonna call your bluff on "that", LOL, but I do a "find" search before each chapter (and sometimes take out thats I need to go back and re-insert because it is awkward without it.
Thanks bunches, Karlene for coming back chapter after chapter. I think you like the story... Hmmmm?
Comment from Writingfundimension
This delightfully complicated chapter furthers the story and deepens the mystery, Jay. I like your comparison of Glnot to the Wizard of Oz - that made for a great analogy. Doctrex manages to stay one step ahead of his adversary, I think, because he's allowed his men to think outside the box and for themselves. Great job!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2014
|
This delightfully complicated chapter furthers the story and deepens the mystery, Jay. I like your comparison of Glnot to the Wizard of Oz - that made for a great analogy. Doctrex manages to stay one step ahead of his adversary, I think, because he's allowed his men to think outside the box and for themselves. Great job!
:) Bev
Comment Written 27-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2014
-
Thanks for the kind words, Bev. I love the way you have deepened the character of Doctrex in your own perception. I hope that's what others feel. When I wrote it, I was just flyin' by the seat of my pants ... whatever the hell that image means!
-
You have a character with a lot of depth, Jay. I also happen to have a real fascination for psychology, so I think I read more into things more than most. :) Bev