THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "PROPHECY FULFILLED? (Pt 1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
23 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
i like how he thinks about it. this way he also provides us, the readers, with time to think about it all together with him, plus he gives us a chance to see his feelings about it. well done!
Those men, readying themselves out there. They deserved more. // the first sentence is a sentence fragment, so i can't help myself, but point it out and suggest joining it with the following sentence :) my pet peeve, i know :)
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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i like how he thinks about it. this way he also provides us, the readers, with time to think about it all together with him, plus he gives us a chance to see his feelings about it. well done!
Those men, readying themselves out there. They deserved more. // the first sentence is a sentence fragment, so i can't help myself, but point it out and suggest joining it with the following sentence :) my pet peeve, i know :)
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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Yeah, I'm surprised I let that sentence fragment go. There's a place for them, when used judiciously. That was not the place.
Comment from Dashjianta
And so the eighty-second death comes. And its got Doctrex convinced everything Glnot's visions show is true--quite a change after his convincing his men the visions weren't to be trusted the first night they were affected.
Dialogue seems natural--I like the doctor's character--and everything flows well.
No nits or suggestions.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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And so the eighty-second death comes. And its got Doctrex convinced everything Glnot's visions show is true--quite a change after his convincing his men the visions weren't to be trusted the first night they were affected.
Dialogue seems natural--I like the doctor's character--and everything flows well.
No nits or suggestions.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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GOOD!!!! Thanks, Alex.
Comment from Twilightspire
This is an excellent chapter. I love that a majority of it is introspection. Once again, our Doctrex is questioning his leadership in terms of this new vision. Who can he trust? What can he do? What does it all mean?
Excellent display of his own insecurities and how he may deal with them. I'm thoroughly enjoying getting to know this man and everything that drives him.
Great work, my friend. Let the marathon read commence!
-T.J.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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This is an excellent chapter. I love that a majority of it is introspection. Once again, our Doctrex is questioning his leadership in terms of this new vision. Who can he trust? What can he do? What does it all mean?
Excellent display of his own insecurities and how he may deal with them. I'm thoroughly enjoying getting to know this man and everything that drives him.
Great work, my friend. Let the marathon read commence!
-T.J.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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TJ, you are amazing! First you have to realize I already gave you the full dollop of surprise and amazement for the last review you gave me, since it was the first on my "reply" queue. Now I'm into about the 5th or 6th reply. I'm still just as amazed! Anyone so dedicated to something I've written, that he will go back and make up the chapters he missed at 2 centavos a shot, I'm humbled. Thank you my friend. From the bottom of my heart.
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid words like heard, felt, saw, and smelled.
Those men, readying themselves. . . I knew. . . delete.
Also the ones later in the paragraph.
Good chapter. The recognized seal well deserved.
Karlene
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2014
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Try to avoid words like heard, felt, saw, and smelled.
Those men, readying themselves. . . I knew. . . delete.
Also the ones later in the paragraph.
Good chapter. The recognized seal well deserved.
Karlene
Comment Written 18-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Karlene. Thank you for your added compliment as well!
Comment from Selina Stambi
The Master will leave his yoke. His plow will drift in random directions. One Master the other Master will join. The bride and the forsaker wait. .. intriguing words - ominous indeed. Somewhat sinister!
Great chapter, Jay. Is it shorter than usual, or am I getting comfortable with your chapter length? :)
I'm going to be away for a month. Leaving next week. Will try to review as much as I can before I leave.
Hope you've had a wonderful week so far.
Sonali
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2014
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The Master will leave his yoke. His plow will drift in random directions. One Master the other Master will join. The bride and the forsaker wait. .. intriguing words - ominous indeed. Somewhat sinister!
Great chapter, Jay. Is it shorter than usual, or am I getting comfortable with your chapter length? :)
I'm going to be away for a month. Leaving next week. Will try to review as much as I can before I leave.
Hope you've had a wonderful week so far.
Sonali
Comment Written 16-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Sonali. A Whole MONTH? What'll I do? No smart phone? No tablet? What'll YOU do?
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I'll be meeting more FS friends in Australia and NZ!
I detest the smartphone. Only have it on when I'm out of the house. The tablet is only for emergencies. :) I'll pop in when I can, I promise.
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Marion's from New Zealand. Will you be seeing her?
Comment from Writingfundimension
I like the way your work some backstory into this chapter, Jay, just to remind us of Doctrex's past persona and how much he is seeking redemption. The exchange between he and Braims was especially well done. :) Bev
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2014
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I like the way your work some backstory into this chapter, Jay, just to remind us of Doctrex's past persona and how much he is seeking redemption. The exchange between he and Braims was especially well done. :) Bev
Comment Written 16-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Bev. I was hoping it would be seamless, but doing a Three-Booker, knowing some readers might start in the second or third book, need for background was an unexpected encounter.
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I understand those kinds of considerations, Jay. As a reader, it's much appreciated. I do follow quite a few folks LoL.
:) Bev
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
I don't need war. But you need me, Doctrex. (this would read better as one sentence, I think)
Caught up, finally. Well written as always. Have a good evening, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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I don't need war. But you need me, Doctrex. (this would read better as one sentence, I think)
Caught up, finally. Well written as always. Have a good evening, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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That's odd. I didn't know you were even behind. Thank you for your suggestion. I looked at it both ways. I know the grammarian would like to see it without a sentence beginning with 'But'. But, I was wanting something to show Braims taking the time to consider his response. A period did that. I will use your suggestion in my final edit, however. I'll be far enough away from it that I'll have more objectivity.
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I'm chronically behind, LOL~Debbie
Comment from High Wire Girl
Jay, my dear.
Here are my suggestions, at your discretion (of course):
- The two soldiers who got sick, how about - The two soldiers who became ill when you did. I know (that) one died.
- "He's eating and drinking. I think he's okay.(period) Capitalize Why?"
- We can wait another day if you don't (feel capable).
- "Let's do it!" Ditch the second "I'm ready."
- He had used the new snowfall, I'd switch that to 'weather conditions' because you mention snow in the next sentence.
- Instead of He smiled, but briefly, how about His smile was brief.
- Instead of But I know there will be, how about 'But I know it will persist.'
- Instead of You and the men will be doing it, what if you say 'You and the men will be contributing to the broken bodies I must mend'...
- Why not let the other medics go with us(?) New sentence - You and the recovered soldiers can follow us in a week or so. (period instead of ?)
- He reached (into) his pocket, instead of 'to'.
- Instead of And then he looked back, Just begin the sentence with Then...
- He nodded, smiled (no comma) and lifted the flap. The crunch of ice under his feet grew fainter until it blended with the sound of the wind.
- I would find myself in (a) position to lead my army. (period) A combined 5,000 men would storm through the gates of the Palace of Qarnolt Rhuether.
Okey dokey. Signing out.
Be well, friend.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Jay, my dear.
Here are my suggestions, at your discretion (of course):
- The two soldiers who got sick, how about - The two soldiers who became ill when you did. I know (that) one died.
- "He's eating and drinking. I think he's okay.(period) Capitalize Why?"
- We can wait another day if you don't (feel capable).
- "Let's do it!" Ditch the second "I'm ready."
- He had used the new snowfall, I'd switch that to 'weather conditions' because you mention snow in the next sentence.
- Instead of He smiled, but briefly, how about His smile was brief.
- Instead of But I know there will be, how about 'But I know it will persist.'
- Instead of You and the men will be doing it, what if you say 'You and the men will be contributing to the broken bodies I must mend'...
- Why not let the other medics go with us(?) New sentence - You and the recovered soldiers can follow us in a week or so. (period instead of ?)
- He reached (into) his pocket, instead of 'to'.
- Instead of And then he looked back, Just begin the sentence with Then...
- He nodded, smiled (no comma) and lifted the flap. The crunch of ice under his feet grew fainter until it blended with the sound of the wind.
- I would find myself in (a) position to lead my army. (period) A combined 5,000 men would storm through the gates of the Palace of Qarnolt Rhuether.
Okey dokey. Signing out.
Be well, friend.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Mary, for all the suggestions. Far to many to consider doing anything about now. I will paste them to my folder and use them with the final edit. Some good stuff, of course. A lot of it, I have to say, is the writer's voice as he (read I) picture the character speaking. Some of the narrative is also the writer's voice which, hopefully, differs from every other writer's voice. That is not to say that unclear writing shouldn't be made clearer or even that ineffective writing shouldn't be made more effective. Some manner of speaking, though, is what it is. PLEASE THOUGH, keep doing the superb job you are doing. It's up to me to decide where my line for change is drawn.
Do you know, I think we are the only two on Fan Story who say Okey dokey?
Thanks again.
Jay
Comment from Goodauthor
A dire prediction, but it seems inevitable that this selfish man will lose his bid to destroy this entity and his army, who already questions their Master's decision will abandon him. It will be interesting to see what happens.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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A dire prediction, but it seems inevitable that this selfish man will lose his bid to destroy this entity and his army, who already questions their Master's decision will abandon him. It will be interesting to see what happens.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Linda. I hope you stick around until all of it plays itself out.
Comment from Fridayauthor
Very nice chapter, especially the opening few paragraphs. I like the description. I was pleased to hear the medic had helpers as I was about to mention that fact, given the large number of wounded to care for.
This is being very picky, but his line, "At least I have the letters." seems to say writing the letters gives him some solace. I don't see that writing them would be anything but a painful but necessary chore.
More super-picky. This time, point of view. This is Doctrex's story all the way. Therefore, "before he felt that arrow rip into his stomach."... is something HE can't say. It could easily be changed to.."before the arrow ripped into his...
I knew what my dark soul was capable of.
I knew the capabilities of my dark soul.
The penultimate paragraph raises the "series" question we discussed. If someone is reading this book as a stand alone, this paragraph doesn't work. If nothing else, it is too far into this book. Consider instead, a full prologue chapter summarizing the entire situation and how it came about.
Good chapter, overall Jay. Sorry to be so wordy.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Very nice chapter, especially the opening few paragraphs. I like the description. I was pleased to hear the medic had helpers as I was about to mention that fact, given the large number of wounded to care for.
This is being very picky, but his line, "At least I have the letters." seems to say writing the letters gives him some solace. I don't see that writing them would be anything but a painful but necessary chore.
More super-picky. This time, point of view. This is Doctrex's story all the way. Therefore, "before he felt that arrow rip into his stomach."... is something HE can't say. It could easily be changed to.."before the arrow ripped into his...
I knew what my dark soul was capable of.
I knew the capabilities of my dark soul.
The penultimate paragraph raises the "series" question we discussed. If someone is reading this book as a stand alone, this paragraph doesn't work. If nothing else, it is too far into this book. Consider instead, a full prologue chapter summarizing the entire situation and how it came about.
Good chapter, overall Jay. Sorry to be so wordy.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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I answered this with a wordier response than this one you are apologizing for. Unfortunately, when I went back to paste your fine rendition of "my dark soul", and tried to come back I lost everything. I'll summarize. Your take on Doctrex's using the letters as solace was right. I'll think of a way around that. The rest give me varying degrees of disagreement. LOL, in other words I'll mull them over a while. Thanks Ray for taking the time and giving this such a close read.
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He could say to the medic something like...."At least you don't have the heartwrenching duty to write to their greiving parents as I do..."
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That's a thought, Ray. I will consider that. The word "duty" would bother me because he has taken it as his personal choice. But, your idea makes good sense.
