THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "GLNOT RUETHER'S SHADOW (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
22 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
very strange and dark prediction. you lay it out well, it seems like doctrex and glnot should become one, the war won't be won in the way that is expected now... or that is my understanding of it.. anything can happen and i can't wait to find out what exactly. i know you won't let me down. :)
"How were the creatures' bodies disposed of?" Between his frequent trips to the adjoining tent to attend to the needs of Giln, Sheleck and the other two soldiers, overseeing the assistants who worked in shifts, around the clock, to keep water in those bodies who kept trying to doze off, and making sure someone was always boiling water for drinking, and for purifying cups and medical paraphernalia, Braims stopped by on the third day to ask me that question. // this is one damn long speech tag... consider putting the question at the end of it to make it more readable, and also consider dividing the long description into a few sentences.
(my voice put quotes around those two words), // i'm not sure whether brackets are the proper way to write this - maybe speech--the text --speech?
"But,(") Sheleck ventured, warily, "what about // missing marks -in the brackets
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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very strange and dark prediction. you lay it out well, it seems like doctrex and glnot should become one, the war won't be won in the way that is expected now... or that is my understanding of it.. anything can happen and i can't wait to find out what exactly. i know you won't let me down. :)
"How were the creatures' bodies disposed of?" Between his frequent trips to the adjoining tent to attend to the needs of Giln, Sheleck and the other two soldiers, overseeing the assistants who worked in shifts, around the clock, to keep water in those bodies who kept trying to doze off, and making sure someone was always boiling water for drinking, and for purifying cups and medical paraphernalia, Braims stopped by on the third day to ask me that question. // this is one damn long speech tag... consider putting the question at the end of it to make it more readable, and also consider dividing the long description into a few sentences.
(my voice put quotes around those two words), // i'm not sure whether brackets are the proper way to write this - maybe speech--the text --speech?
"But,(") Sheleck ventured, warily, "what about // missing marks -in the brackets
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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Dang git, I dearly love the long sentence. Sorry. I will attend to it ... mainly since I thought it was you asking about the bodies and I was thinking, "she has a well-developed argument, but GAWD, that sentence is long." You got my attention. I'll check out all the others. Thanks, Tina.
Comment from Dashjianta
I like the way you've worked that vision--very clever. It ties in really well with everything that's happened--and happens. And it has Doctrex wondering who else is going to die.
Dialogue between Doctrex and the doctor is good, too. And the thoughts of Doctrex's/the men's mothers.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
(")Two things I'm hoping: There's a
creatures to dispose of our seventy-six.
--To continue from the yesterday--Doctrex appears to have decided the doctor was right. (Just saying in case you changed it to 75)
I wasn't prepared for that. I didn't speak for a moment. He waited.
--A question, rather than a suggestion: Should this be broken into two paragraphs too (so 'He waited.' is on its own)? I've been separating paragraphs like this as well, but am really not sure. (the 'as well' will only make sense if you've read the review for the previous chapter-sorry about that) (The doubt's coming from comments an editor made on my opening chapters, where she said I should always start a new paragraph when changing POV--and this is the type of thing she highlighted.)
"The good keep dying, don't they?" I finally said.(asked)
More than warm, I kept your boys, and my charges, a bit crispy, even.
--I like this.
"But,(") Sheleck ventured, warily,
Many blades of his mighty plow had(have?) been broken off by a band of angry neighbors.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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I like the way you've worked that vision--very clever. It ties in really well with everything that's happened--and happens. And it has Doctrex wondering who else is going to die.
Dialogue between Doctrex and the doctor is good, too. And the thoughts of Doctrex's/the men's mothers.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
(")Two things I'm hoping: There's a
creatures to dispose of our seventy-six.
--To continue from the yesterday--Doctrex appears to have decided the doctor was right. (Just saying in case you changed it to 75)
I wasn't prepared for that. I didn't speak for a moment. He waited.
--A question, rather than a suggestion: Should this be broken into two paragraphs too (so 'He waited.' is on its own)? I've been separating paragraphs like this as well, but am really not sure. (the 'as well' will only make sense if you've read the review for the previous chapter-sorry about that) (The doubt's coming from comments an editor made on my opening chapters, where she said I should always start a new paragraph when changing POV--and this is the type of thing she highlighted.)
"The good keep dying, don't they?" I finally said.(asked)
More than warm, I kept your boys, and my charges, a bit crispy, even.
--I like this.
"But,(") Sheleck ventured, warily,
Many blades of his mighty plow had(have?) been broken off by a band of angry neighbors.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Great suggestions. I'll consider the paragraph split. And that singular plural question at the end. I might have you consider that was Rhuether who said it not me .... Not buying it, huh? LOL, I'll take care of all of it. Gotta go to the market and get something for dinner. Bye, and thanks again.
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And my battery's just gone flat. I'll have to wait until tomorrow (technically later today) to find out why the soldier toppled off his horse now.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
In death I was not even able to give them a proper burial
(comma after death)
I like the 'crispy' line-very funny. Well written, my friend~
Debbie
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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In death I was not even able to give them a proper burial
(comma after death)
I like the 'crispy' line-very funny. Well written, my friend~
Debbie
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Debbie, for reading this. I'll correct the missing comma. I hope you got unconfused about the order. I had no idea you were three chapters behind.
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If you click the chapters at the top of the page, part 2 comes before part one for some reason??? I usually wait to read chapters until the are 2 or 3. More continuity for my old brain~Debbie
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I know. It does that on my Portfolio, too. It was because of that I published my third to last chapter of book II out of order and caused so much confusion.
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Okay, so I'm not completely crazy because that was the order I read them in, LOL~Debbie
Comment from Writingfundimension
I love how you wove the vision and it's obtuse meaning into the story. It was like solving a puzzle as I followed along. Your writing is always a pleasure to read, Jay.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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I love how you wove the vision and it's obtuse meaning into the story. It was like solving a puzzle as I followed along. Your writing is always a pleasure to read, Jay.
:) Bev
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Bev, for your observation. It's good to know when it works.
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You're very welcome, Jay. :)
Comment from Goodauthor
I've been under the weather for the past couple days. I haven't read or written since Monday. It's going to be interesting to see what happens.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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I've been under the weather for the past couple days. I haven't read or written since Monday. It's going to be interesting to see what happens.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Sorry you weren't feeling well. I see you posted something today. I've got it saved to read later.
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Believe me, It's hard to lose interest in the story when you keep adding suspense in each chapter.
Comment from drivenbackward
Very well written, Jay, which is completely expected. I'm not familiar with the story, so I can't comment on that much, but I found one tiny grammatical error:
"The good keep dying, don't they?" I finally said -- Missing period after 'said'
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Very well written, Jay, which is completely expected. I'm not familiar with the story, so I can't comment on that much, but I found one tiny grammatical error:
"The good keep dying, don't they?" I finally said -- Missing period after 'said'
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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That is such a kind thing you said, Dan. I'll go back immediately and take care of the missing period. Usually I don't make changes until the final edit, but not where it makes me look stupid not to. This is one of those. LOL, thanks, Dan. (Change made.)
Comment from jaeladarling
Hmmm...a mysterious vision. I always wonder what direction these will go, and I like to think that somehow events will play out much differently than it appears. I hope I'm not disappointed! ;)
Great chapter - lots of intrigue, and I can't wait to see what happens next. :)
Suggestions:
"Between his frequent trips to the adjoining tent to attend to the needs of Giln, Sheleck and the other two soldiers, overseeing the assistants who worked in shifts, around the clock, to keep water in those bodies who kept trying to doze off, and making sure someone was always boiling water for drinking, and for purifying cups and medical paraphernalia, Braims stopped by on the third day to ask me that question." (Holy crap. This is a long sentence. Okay. I'm going to do two things. I'm going to suggest wording this differently, and I'm going to suggest a revision for what you currently have. I strongly suggest you go with one of the changes. This will make it easier on your readers. Just remember that when people are reading the story as a whole (instead of broken up into chapters here on FS), they'll know who these people are without the lengthy description reminding them. ;) Suggested change 1: "In the midst of his harried tasks, Braims stopped by on the third day to ask me that question." Suggested change 2: "Between attending the needs of the ill soldiers, overseeing the shift assistants, and making sure someone was always boiling water for drinking and other needs, Braims stopped by on the third day to ask me that question." Suggested revision: "Between his frequent trips to the adjoining tent to attend to the needs of Giln, Sheleck and the other two soldiers, overseeing the assistants who worked in shifts around the clock to keep water in those bodies who kept trying to doze off, and making sure someone was always boiling water for drinking and for purifying cups and medical paraphernalia, Braims stopped by on the third day to ask me that question."
"But, my guess is" (No comma)
"And, we didn't have enough" (No comma)
Two things I'm hoping: (You don't need this on its own line. It can be attached to the previous paragraph for one full piece of dialogue.)
"But, they chose the place" (No comma)
"We got some food in them and they've" (Comma after "them")
"Before leaving he wanted" (Comma after "leaving")
"He left and I closed my eyes." (Comma after "left")
"to open my eyes when" (Comma after "eyes")
"And, I was a fraud," (Remove the comma after "and")
"And, in the gathering gray dawn" (Comma after "dawn")
"I had just finished the third letter when the tent flap opened and Sheleck entered and stood just inside, brushing snow from his shoulders; Giln followed a moment later, and the two of them crossed gingerly to my bunkside." ("I had just finished the third letter, when the tent flap opened. Sheleck entered and stood just inside, brushing snow from his shoulders. Giln followed a moment later, and the two of them crossed gingerly to my bunkside.")
"He glanced at Sheleck who nodded" (Comma after "Sheleck")
"So, he's up to his" (No comma)
"So, what does that mean?" (No comma. If you meant a pause after "So", an ellipsis would work great here.)
"And, he is clever." (No comma)
"and the two soldier's duty." (soldiers')
"the secret knowledge (my voice put quotes around those two words)," (Did he really say what's in the parentheses?)
"remember, I told the two of you and Zurn before we got to Camp Kabeez the secret knowledge (my voice put quotes around those two words)," (No commas)
"But, Sheleck ventured, (Close the quote)
"Between the two of them they" (Comma after "them")
"I had been wounded and you" (Comma after "wounded")
"But, he spoke to me" (No comma)
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Hmmm...a mysterious vision. I always wonder what direction these will go, and I like to think that somehow events will play out much differently than it appears. I hope I'm not disappointed! ;)
Great chapter - lots of intrigue, and I can't wait to see what happens next. :)
Suggestions:
"Between his frequent trips to the adjoining tent to attend to the needs of Giln, Sheleck and the other two soldiers, overseeing the assistants who worked in shifts, around the clock, to keep water in those bodies who kept trying to doze off, and making sure someone was always boiling water for drinking, and for purifying cups and medical paraphernalia, Braims stopped by on the third day to ask me that question." (Holy crap. This is a long sentence. Okay. I'm going to do two things. I'm going to suggest wording this differently, and I'm going to suggest a revision for what you currently have. I strongly suggest you go with one of the changes. This will make it easier on your readers. Just remember that when people are reading the story as a whole (instead of broken up into chapters here on FS), they'll know who these people are without the lengthy description reminding them. ;) Suggested change 1: "In the midst of his harried tasks, Braims stopped by on the third day to ask me that question." Suggested change 2: "Between attending the needs of the ill soldiers, overseeing the shift assistants, and making sure someone was always boiling water for drinking and other needs, Braims stopped by on the third day to ask me that question." Suggested revision: "Between his frequent trips to the adjoining tent to attend to the needs of Giln, Sheleck and the other two soldiers, overseeing the assistants who worked in shifts around the clock to keep water in those bodies who kept trying to doze off, and making sure someone was always boiling water for drinking and for purifying cups and medical paraphernalia, Braims stopped by on the third day to ask me that question."
"But, my guess is" (No comma)
"And, we didn't have enough" (No comma)
Two things I'm hoping: (You don't need this on its own line. It can be attached to the previous paragraph for one full piece of dialogue.)
"But, they chose the place" (No comma)
"We got some food in them and they've" (Comma after "them")
"Before leaving he wanted" (Comma after "leaving")
"He left and I closed my eyes." (Comma after "left")
"to open my eyes when" (Comma after "eyes")
"And, I was a fraud," (Remove the comma after "and")
"And, in the gathering gray dawn" (Comma after "dawn")
"I had just finished the third letter when the tent flap opened and Sheleck entered and stood just inside, brushing snow from his shoulders; Giln followed a moment later, and the two of them crossed gingerly to my bunkside." ("I had just finished the third letter, when the tent flap opened. Sheleck entered and stood just inside, brushing snow from his shoulders. Giln followed a moment later, and the two of them crossed gingerly to my bunkside.")
"He glanced at Sheleck who nodded" (Comma after "Sheleck")
"So, he's up to his" (No comma)
"So, what does that mean?" (No comma. If you meant a pause after "So", an ellipsis would work great here.)
"And, he is clever." (No comma)
"and the two soldier's duty." (soldiers')
"the secret knowledge (my voice put quotes around those two words)," (Did he really say what's in the parentheses?)
"remember, I told the two of you and Zurn before we got to Camp Kabeez the secret knowledge (my voice put quotes around those two words)," (No commas)
"But, Sheleck ventured, (Close the quote)
"Between the two of them they" (Comma after "them")
"I had been wounded and you" (Comma after "wounded")
"But, he spoke to me" (No comma)
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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To the first person who suggested that first sentence was awfully long and that I should consider breaking it into several, I said, "Not negotiable." Before I sound like a temperamental and naive fool, I should tell you that you took the time to suggest alternative suggestions, whereas she didn't. But, I did explain to her I wanted to preserve the frenzied activity that Braims was under and the long sentence did that. What I didn't explain to her was that I spent a great deal of time on that sentence so a careful reader shouldn't trip himself up over the clauses and the character shifts included in the sentence. If Faulkner can have a sentence run for two pages (I believe it is in "As I Lay Dying"), I think I can be excused for a sentence 1/20 that long. LOL, that is BEFORE I look over and study your suggestions. You might convince me yet. Don't think I'm not THRILLED you took the time to work on that sentence. I just wanted to clarify my position.
Thank you, again, Jaela, for all you've done.
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LOL No worries! I had a feeling that the reason you did that was to show frenzy. That's why I call them all suggestions or say they're for the writer's "consideration". BELIEVE ME, I know what it is for other people to try to say, "My way or the highway." So, you know, keep it if you want. Your book = your baby. But if you DO keep it, then you'll want to make the fixes I showed you in that very last suggestion (#3). This way, it'll at least be punctuated correctly. ;)
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And um, I've said "Not negotiable" to more than my fair share of critics, so no worries. :p :)
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Hey, you said it to me on the ellipses, remember? I'm just glad we have a dialogue about it and if someone can't defend his/her position but refuses to budge, then there's something deeper going on. Right?
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Punctuation, I have no problem changing, as long as it makes sense. You are backing up your corrections with rules. And there are reasons for rules. If a rule doesn't make sense, the rule needs to be changed, and until it is, should only be violated with knowledge of the possible consequences.
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Okay...I'm not getting any kind of deep here. I've had people ask me for reasons, and since you're defending yours, I'm defending mine. It's the last word I have on it. I DON'T CARE if you use my suggestions or not. It's your story, after all.
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Whoa, Jaelaf! What did I say that made you think I don't value your suggestions? I do, and I value you as a reviewer and writer. Or, am I overreacting to your All Caps? My heart dropped when I read that.
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I am so confused. I was reading your replies as defensive, and I thought, crap, here we go. Someone I thought I was having good conversations with is suddenly doing a 180 on me. (It's happened before, just because voice tone and implication is usually lost in text communication.) I used all caps because I needed emphasis, and there is no option for italics in this reply box. No snark or attitude behind it at all. (Maybe I should say AT ALL. :p) Okay. Now that we've both been through the wringer, let's just start again with the next chapter... :) (And probably a lot of it is because I'm an emotionally-charged female, so those synapses were going in ten directions at once. Maybe drinking tea and no tea at once is the solution.)
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Good, good, good! We both know we are good writers. We both are genuinely trying to help. What more can we ask for or expect?
God Bless.
Jay
Comment from lindalcreel
So Rheuther is behind all of this as expected. I know these are visions, but is there a chance that he could be wrong depending on what Doctrix does? Sometimes we can alter fate and I think it may be possible to Doctrix to get the upper hand somehow.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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So Rheuther is behind all of this as expected. I know these are visions, but is there a chance that he could be wrong depending on what Doctrix does? Sometimes we can alter fate and I think it may be possible to Doctrix to get the upper hand somehow.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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I'm counting everything on Doctrex getting the upper hand, Linda. LOL, thank you for taking such an interest in this aspect of the novel. It's really the critical aspect of it.
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My pleasure:)
Comment from Sankey
Hey friend. Yet another dramatic chapter. A good read all through. Very good as regards no spagging. More drama coming I am guessing. Thanks again.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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Hey friend. Yet another dramatic chapter. A good read all through. Very good as regards no spagging. More drama coming I am guessing. Thanks again.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Geoff. Yes, a lot of drama in store for you.
Comment from krprice
Check your ms. for series of words, phrases, or clauses, and place a comma before the conjunction.
I woke up feeling cold. Suggest: I woke up shivering. OR
I woke up with a chill dancing across my body. Goosebumps popped up like weeds in a garden.
I had just finished the. . . opened. Sheleck entered and. . . later. The two of them. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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Check your ms. for series of words, phrases, or clauses, and place a comma before the conjunction.
I woke up feeling cold. Suggest: I woke up shivering. OR
I woke up with a chill dancing across my body. Goosebumps popped up like weeds in a garden.
I had just finished the. . . opened. Sheleck entered and. . . later. The two of them. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 14-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Karlene. I'll Paste this into my folder for the final edit. I appreciate the time you put into it.
