THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "LIEUTENANTS DOWN! (Pt.1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
30 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
oh man, from one disaster into another. i hopw it's nothing serious, and the four poor guys will be okay soon. at first i thought they were down becuase they were worried for zurn's fate, i wasn't expecting something like this poison, or worse, a magic trick. :/ your twists and turns are very well planned and timed!
"I know."
"Well?"
"Thanks?"
Braims rolled his eyes. // ROFL!!!! This made me laugh so much!
desiccated weariness of the spirit // i like this expression
what was that, three months ago? // good, i haven't realized how much time passed since then.
That was to be expected. But none looked as spiritually depleted as these two. // one sentence?
, and collected his limp body before it hit the floor. "You okay? // a very strange question to ask, Braims... if I were Sheleck I may even start to laugh
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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oh man, from one disaster into another. i hopw it's nothing serious, and the four poor guys will be okay soon. at first i thought they were down becuase they were worried for zurn's fate, i wasn't expecting something like this poison, or worse, a magic trick. :/ your twists and turns are very well planned and timed!
"I know."
"Well?"
"Thanks?"
Braims rolled his eyes. // ROFL!!!! This made me laugh so much!
desiccated weariness of the spirit // i like this expression
what was that, three months ago? // good, i haven't realized how much time passed since then.
That was to be expected. But none looked as spiritually depleted as these two. // one sentence?
, and collected his limp body before it hit the floor. "You okay? // a very strange question to ask, Braims... if I were Sheleck I may even start to laugh
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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Ha! You're right about Braims silly question. I'll work that out in the final edit. Friend, I wanted to tell you before I forget: I was notified today that 6 of my Trining chapters have made ATB status. It was your review in each of these cases that nudged it over. Thank you so much. I'm sorry. I was a salesman for 40-some years. I guess I'll always be a score-keeper. Keeps the zest!
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isn't it lovely when that happens? :) and your novel definitely deserves it.
Comment from Dashjianta
That is one nasty illness/poisoning the Profue's are suffering--and really well described. Doctrex's observations make me sympathise with the brothers.
I liked the crutches and sling too--adds some light humour before the next setback (the illness) is revealed.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
Then, as on a sudden impulse,
--Do you need an 'if' after 'as'?
without lifting his head which was now resting on his forearms, spread across his thighs.
--I got this rather amusing image of his head spreading out on his thighs when I read this. Might just be me, but may be worth rewording to avoid. (I can't think of an suggested fix :( )
He put one bucket by Giln and the other by Sheleck. Then he poured water in each cup.
--Because you've got 4 sentences starting (more or less) with 'He did x', you might want to combine this into one to avoid the repeitition. eg: He put one bucket by Giln, the other by Sheleck and then poured water in each cup.
It's a minor tweak, but it removes one of the 'he's.
you need to be drinking lots of water. As hard as it is for you, I want you to sit up and drink this water."
--Delete 'this water' to avoid the repeat? The reader knows its water because you showed it being poured.
and roared out spume after spume of vomit
--That is NOT a pleasant image. Gets the image across though.
The assistant who Braims had instructed to boil water
--I think it should be 'whom' not 'who. (Apparently: if you can re-arrange the sentence and put a subject pronoun (I or he) in the space, you should use 'who'. If you can put an object pronoun (me, him) in the space, you should use 'whom'.(Braims instructed him)) Or you could just take out 'who'.
A metal ladle, hanging over the lip of the pot(,) clunked
he dribbled enough water in his mouth to start him sputtering. His eyes snapped open. "That's better. Now, you've got to drink your water."
--I'm not sure on this, but, because the first action (dribbling water) is the doctor's, the second Shelleck's, and the third (speaking) the doctor again, do they need to split into separate paragraphs? I've been chopping paragraphs like this in my own edits, but I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, or if it's too much sometimes.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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That is one nasty illness/poisoning the Profue's are suffering--and really well described. Doctrex's observations make me sympathise with the brothers.
I liked the crutches and sling too--adds some light humour before the next setback (the illness) is revealed.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
Then, as on a sudden impulse,
--Do you need an 'if' after 'as'?
without lifting his head which was now resting on his forearms, spread across his thighs.
--I got this rather amusing image of his head spreading out on his thighs when I read this. Might just be me, but may be worth rewording to avoid. (I can't think of an suggested fix :( )
He put one bucket by Giln and the other by Sheleck. Then he poured water in each cup.
--Because you've got 4 sentences starting (more or less) with 'He did x', you might want to combine this into one to avoid the repeitition. eg: He put one bucket by Giln, the other by Sheleck and then poured water in each cup.
It's a minor tweak, but it removes one of the 'he's.
you need to be drinking lots of water. As hard as it is for you, I want you to sit up and drink this water."
--Delete 'this water' to avoid the repeat? The reader knows its water because you showed it being poured.
and roared out spume after spume of vomit
--That is NOT a pleasant image. Gets the image across though.
The assistant who Braims had instructed to boil water
--I think it should be 'whom' not 'who. (Apparently: if you can re-arrange the sentence and put a subject pronoun (I or he) in the space, you should use 'who'. If you can put an object pronoun (me, him) in the space, you should use 'whom'.(Braims instructed him)) Or you could just take out 'who'.
A metal ladle, hanging over the lip of the pot(,) clunked
he dribbled enough water in his mouth to start him sputtering. His eyes snapped open. "That's better. Now, you've got to drink your water."
--I'm not sure on this, but, because the first action (dribbling water) is the doctor's, the second Shelleck's, and the third (speaking) the doctor again, do they need to split into separate paragraphs? I've been chopping paragraphs like this in my own edits, but I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, or if it's too much sometimes.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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You have a whole number of good catches and suggestions here, Alex. I'll check them all with the final edit. Especially that spreading head thing. Thanks!
Comment from James Dooney
This is quite a nice little work here indeed. it was the title that drew me in here. The work that followed was solid also. Well done.
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2014
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This is quite a nice little work here indeed. it was the title that drew me in here. The work that followed was solid also. Well done.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2014
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Thank you, James. I hope it drew you in enough to interest you in the rest of the chapters.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Jay, I think your chapters are out of order, or else I am really confused. I think the 2 parts of chapter 4 are reversed, or I'm confused which is entirely possible. Look at it and see if it's you or me~Debbie
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Jay, I think your chapters are out of order, or else I am really confused. I think the 2 parts of chapter 4 are reversed, or I'm confused which is entirely possible. Look at it and see if it's you or me~Debbie
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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It's you, Debbie. I don't make mistakes. That said, LOL, this is chapter five you're reading here. Part 1 of chapter four is "Under the Bed, Behind the Eyes, (which you just read and reviewed) and Part 2 is Arrowstorm, where they actually confront the enemy and Doctrex is wounded.
Comment from drivenbackward
Another good chapter, Jay. Only two small notes to consider below:
Read these backwards, which is a little odd. LOL.
Giln smiled, weakly -- Not sure why you have a comma here.
"Again," said Braims, "Any pain swallowing?" -- 'any'
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Another good chapter, Jay. Only two small notes to consider below:
Read these backwards, which is a little odd. LOL.
Giln smiled, weakly -- Not sure why you have a comma here.
"Again," said Braims, "Any pain swallowing?" -- 'any'
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Thanks for coming back for another read, Dan. Not sure why I have a smile after "smiled", either, except that I don't know a damn thing about comma use. I did know better about not capping "Any", and will take care of that now. Thanks, my friend, and please keep coming back!
Comment from lindalcreel
Sounds like they have picked up some kind of intestinal bug probably from drinking unclean water. I'm sure Rheuther had something to do with that too, but what a way to have to go into battle. That certainly will cripple the troops.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Sounds like they have picked up some kind of intestinal bug probably from drinking unclean water. I'm sure Rheuther had something to do with that too, but what a way to have to go into battle. That certainly will cripple the troops.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Hopefully, it can be kept away from most of the troops.
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Hopefully.
Comment from jaeladarling
Goodness gracious, so much illness! Wonder what in the world's going on. Looking forward to reading more and finding out.
Really liking this story - nice work!
Suggestions:
"to greet the brothers Profue's unit," (It's awkward reading "the brothers Profue". What is it, anyway? Is the last name Profue or Profues? I'm going to assume it's Profue. You'll want this to say "to greet the Profue brothers' unit,". If you really want to keep the words inverted, then it's, "to greet the brothers Profues' unit," which is just even more awkward. Just my opinion. Up to you. ;)
"at their camp, just a little" (No comma)
"wanted to, but figured" (No comma)
"strategies of battle: my mistakes." (semicolon)
"wanted to gloat, but was smart" (No comma, or add "he" after "but")
"next to my cot while Braims" (Comma after "cot")
"he asked, as he jammed" (No comma)
"Again," said Braims, (The comma after "Braims" should be a period. If it's supposed to be a continued sentence, then the comma stays, but you'll want lowercase "any" following it.)
"And, start boiling more." (No comma)
"said Sheleck, without lifting his head which" (Move the comma to after "head")
"small drink, but then" (No comma)
"across the tent and Braims" (Comma after "tent")
"beside each and Braims" (Comma after "each")
"The assistant who Braims had" ("whom" - the assistant is the object here)
"to boil water, now returned" (No comma)
"A metal ladle, hanging over the lip of the pot clunked" (No comma - or add another comma after "pot")
"three steps, and collected his" (No comma)
"head back which forced his" (Comma after "back")
"and drink your water take him" (Comma after "water")
"Sheleck tried a smile but it" (Comma after "smile")
"He reached out and took the cup, pulling it awkwardly to his mouth and drank." ("He reached out and took the cup, pulling awkwardly to his mouth, and drank." OR, "He reached out and took the cup, pulled it awkwardly to his mouth, and drank.")
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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Goodness gracious, so much illness! Wonder what in the world's going on. Looking forward to reading more and finding out.
Really liking this story - nice work!
Suggestions:
"to greet the brothers Profue's unit," (It's awkward reading "the brothers Profue". What is it, anyway? Is the last name Profue or Profues? I'm going to assume it's Profue. You'll want this to say "to greet the Profue brothers' unit,". If you really want to keep the words inverted, then it's, "to greet the brothers Profues' unit," which is just even more awkward. Just my opinion. Up to you. ;)
"at their camp, just a little" (No comma)
"wanted to, but figured" (No comma)
"strategies of battle: my mistakes." (semicolon)
"wanted to gloat, but was smart" (No comma, or add "he" after "but")
"next to my cot while Braims" (Comma after "cot")
"he asked, as he jammed" (No comma)
"Again," said Braims, (The comma after "Braims" should be a period. If it's supposed to be a continued sentence, then the comma stays, but you'll want lowercase "any" following it.)
"And, start boiling more." (No comma)
"said Sheleck, without lifting his head which" (Move the comma to after "head")
"small drink, but then" (No comma)
"across the tent and Braims" (Comma after "tent")
"beside each and Braims" (Comma after "each")
"The assistant who Braims had" ("whom" - the assistant is the object here)
"to boil water, now returned" (No comma)
"A metal ladle, hanging over the lip of the pot clunked" (No comma - or add another comma after "pot")
"three steps, and collected his" (No comma)
"head back which forced his" (Comma after "back")
"and drink your water take him" (Comma after "water")
"Sheleck tried a smile but it" (Comma after "smile")
"He reached out and took the cup, pulling it awkwardly to his mouth and drank." ("He reached out and took the cup, pulling awkwardly to his mouth, and drank." OR, "He reached out and took the cup, pulled it awkwardly to his mouth, and drank.")
Comment Written 14-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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Okay, Jaela, you convinced me. I'm going to go get my comma primer. If I don't have a hard copy, it's to Amazon kindle or Google. I have trouble trusting a Google search. Do you have a favorite Grammar expert?
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I'm going to post an essay on commas tonight, and I'll send you a list of sites you can visit. ;)
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Thank you, dear Jaela.
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I'll keep my eyes peeled, as unappealing as that is!
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Ah, man, not the runs, those are worse than arrows...well, not that I have ever been shot with arrows.
I like the interplay between the men. As usual, your dialogue goes so well with the feel of this story.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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Hi. Ah, man, not the runs, those are worse than arrows...well, not that I have ever been shot with arrows.
I like the interplay between the men. As usual, your dialogue goes so well with the feel of this story.
padumachitta
Comment Written 14-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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I have to admit I was happy with the flow of this piece (no pun intended). I'm glad you enjoyed it as well.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
now that is writing! Good stuff, pour our mind in, drag us into the picture, will doctor x grab and reach back into his other life, memory at hold, sucked me, good trap, well presented, got a smile out me.. Walt
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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now that is writing! Good stuff, pour our mind in, drag us into the picture, will doctor x grab and reach back into his other life, memory at hold, sucked me, good trap, well presented, got a smile out me.. Walt
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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What a way to start the day and the week! Who am I kidding -- I'm retired. One day's like the next. But, your 6 really does make it special. I love the validation a writer of your caliber gives it.
Comment from GracieAnn
Jay, this is a highly descriptive write of an abysmal scene not uncommon on battle fields, or worse yet, right here in the Dallas area. Ebola-you've got to be kidding. This is not good. Good dialogue and demonstrates the concern and caring of the men for one another. I suspect it is not food poisoning, in this case. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Jay, this is a highly descriptive write of an abysmal scene not uncommon on battle fields, or worse yet, right here in the Dallas area. Ebola-you've got to be kidding. This is not good. Good dialogue and demonstrates the concern and caring of the men for one another. I suspect it is not food poisoning, in this case. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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You're only the second person to mention the connection between their illness and ebola. I really thought there'd be more. Thanks, GracieAnn for reading this chapter and for your kind rating.