THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "ARROWSTORM (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
26 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
this was one hell of a good chapter! very tragic as well. the number of the dead soldier is high and it only showed the power of the enemy - together with all his magic skills. consider adding the total number of the unit - how many soldiers were left? i kind of lost the count - is it 200? maybe doctrex can say something like "73 out of 200" or something like that to even highlight the tragedy behind this loss. just a thought you can easily disagree with and discard :)
some more observations:
I knew they were scared. But I hoped the bravado they created in their heads kept them strong // should be one sentence?
without being a part of the pain [of it], the beautiful symmetry of the pain [of it], // i'm having a trouble with the parts in the brackets
Hands on my wrists, pushing down. // sentence fragment, i'm a huge enemy of these (my pet peeves), you don't use them frequently, so i thought i'd point it out
"No, [W]e don't dare. I don't think it's the pain. Probably the pressure from the bandages.["] // the "W" in "we" shouldn't be capital, and a missing mark at the end of the speech
His face, crowded with concern. // again the sentence fragment
"What happened,[?]" I said[asked], trying to keep my voice even.
// i'd put the question mark at the end of the speech and change the speech tag, but it's up to you, i've seen questions written like that (the way you wrote it) in published books, so i guess it's a matter of style and there is not the only right way to do it...
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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this was one hell of a good chapter! very tragic as well. the number of the dead soldier is high and it only showed the power of the enemy - together with all his magic skills. consider adding the total number of the unit - how many soldiers were left? i kind of lost the count - is it 200? maybe doctrex can say something like "73 out of 200" or something like that to even highlight the tragedy behind this loss. just a thought you can easily disagree with and discard :)
some more observations:
I knew they were scared. But I hoped the bravado they created in their heads kept them strong // should be one sentence?
without being a part of the pain [of it], the beautiful symmetry of the pain [of it], // i'm having a trouble with the parts in the brackets
Hands on my wrists, pushing down. // sentence fragment, i'm a huge enemy of these (my pet peeves), you don't use them frequently, so i thought i'd point it out
"No, [W]e don't dare. I don't think it's the pain. Probably the pressure from the bandages.["] // the "W" in "we" shouldn't be capital, and a missing mark at the end of the speech
His face, crowded with concern. // again the sentence fragment
"What happened,[?]" I said[asked], trying to keep my voice even.
// i'd put the question mark at the end of the speech and change the speech tag, but it's up to you, i've seen questions written like that (the way you wrote it) in published books, so i guess it's a matter of style and there is not the only right way to do it...
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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I know starting a sentence with a conjunction can be Clunky. I've always done it, particularly with "But". I'll see about combining this.
No, that last comment is well-taken. It should have been a question and a question mark.
Comment from Dashjianta
Something (Glnot's magic, I presume) is controlling the Pomnots, or I'd imagine they'd attack en-mass in furious mob, as they did at the Kojutake. Their mindless docility worked though, lulling the men into a false sense of security and leaving them grouped together for the archers to attack. Glnot seems to be a step ahead of Doctrex at every turn.
I like the way you described his pain--and the disconnection from it, and the way he reacts to the news of the dead men. He's set himself an arduous, and depressing, task, with all those letters to write, but at least it gives him something to focus on.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
But, now as our arrows penetrated their furry bodies and they dropped
--move the comma to after 'now'
One group would stay here as back up (backup) to the archers
who were busily preventing the creatures from breaking through
--Just 'busy' rather than 'busily'?
I addressed the other two groups: "Okay, you men circle left around the creatures,
--add something to the affect that he motions/points/nods towards each group as he addresses them? Would probably fit in before he speaks.
Seventy-five young, vital soldiers.
--Seventy-six.
they'll need to rest at least a day, won't they(,) sir?
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2015
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Something (Glnot's magic, I presume) is controlling the Pomnots, or I'd imagine they'd attack en-mass in furious mob, as they did at the Kojutake. Their mindless docility worked though, lulling the men into a false sense of security and leaving them grouped together for the archers to attack. Glnot seems to be a step ahead of Doctrex at every turn.
I like the way you described his pain--and the disconnection from it, and the way he reacts to the news of the dead men. He's set himself an arduous, and depressing, task, with all those letters to write, but at least it gives him something to focus on.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
But, now as our arrows penetrated their furry bodies and they dropped
--move the comma to after 'now'
One group would stay here as back up (backup) to the archers
who were busily preventing the creatures from breaking through
--Just 'busy' rather than 'busily'?
I addressed the other two groups: "Okay, you men circle left around the creatures,
--add something to the affect that he motions/points/nods towards each group as he addresses them? Would probably fit in before he speaks.
Seventy-five young, vital soldiers.
--Seventy-six.
they'll need to rest at least a day, won't they(,) sir?
Comment Written 12-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2015
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Did I miscount again? There're supposed to be 76 men, instead of 75? LOL, what are you an accountant? I know... no comma after a connective conjunction. I was ignorant of that rule until someone pointed it out to me in a later chapter. I would do a find and delete for every single but, and, nor, or, so, etc. and remove the comma before I posted. But there had to be thousands upon thousands in the chapters before this. Thanks, Alex.
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The doctor told him it was 76--unless the doctor's wrong and he's the one needs correcting.
I've been ignoring the commas after the whatsits (one day I will make the effort to learn the correct terms--for some reason they refuse to stick) since you mentioned them but this one looked like it need moved rather than squished so I gave it a poke.
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Unless the last of the dead men wasn't young and vital so doesn't count ;) (sorry, bad joke. I have an odd sense of humour sometimes)
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Ah-ha! I knew I wouldn't make a mistake of that caliber. Damn doctor! LOL, I'll change that.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Very clever that his leg was ripped off in his mind, but was just injured. That was a surprise. Well written as always. Off to the next chapter~Debbie
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Very clever that his leg was ripped off in his mind, but was just injured. That was a surprise. Well written as always. Off to the next chapter~Debbie
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Debbie, thank you so much for the 6th Star. That means so much to me. Yes, I rather liked the introspection as well.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Wow, action packed. I was worried Doctrex was going to snap out of this world. I am glad he did not. Though, his injury is no light thing.
And yet, he still wants to do his duty.
paduamchitta
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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Hi. Wow, action packed. I was worried Doctrex was going to snap out of this world. I am glad he did not. Though, his injury is no light thing.
And yet, he still wants to do his duty.
paduamchitta
Comment Written 14-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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No, no more snapping out of this and into that other world. Looks like you're playing catch up. Thank you for your loyalty to it.
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Hi...I know he is there and has chosen to stay...but there is just this slight worry in the back of my mind, it is good, it creates tension...(I think it is the way my mind reacts to uncertainty, and war is always uncertain:-)
padumachitta
Comment from Fridayauthor
You were right, Jay, that I read these out of order. It makes much more sense now. Much was unclear on the next chapter without this one.
This is very well done. The writing is fine, as usual.
My only question is an old one. The catapults would have been a big help and the last I remember, they were sent back to be re-designed. It seems a lot of time has gone by and it might be wise to mention them, or a desire to get them.
Good job!
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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You were right, Jay, that I read these out of order. It makes much more sense now. Much was unclear on the next chapter without this one.
This is very well done. The writing is fine, as usual.
My only question is an old one. The catapults would have been a big help and the last I remember, they were sent back to be re-designed. It seems a lot of time has gone by and it might be wise to mention them, or a desire to get them.
Good job!
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Ray! Thanks for the honor! You know, the catapults would have been a big help. I wish I had handled the catapults differently in a previous chapter. I'm afraid a lot of people will remember how good Camp Jerri Fibe was at weapon development and wonder when...
The fact remains all the challenges have been met and (most of them) overcome without the devise. It becomes unnecessary as a devise in the plot. I'm afraid if I mentioned their desire to have them, it will build up reader expectation. I may have to reconstruct earlier chapters to show how impractical they would be in the far northern provinces.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
It is full, markers in advance, enjoyed, craft is certainly in your corner, still where are we, lots of possibilities pushed out, wonder still on my mind, miss the young lady, she let this happened, charge forward...going for a beer run, keep up the great story telling.. Walt
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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It is full, markers in advance, enjoyed, craft is certainly in your corner, still where are we, lots of possibilities pushed out, wonder still on my mind, miss the young lady, she let this happened, charge forward...going for a beer run, keep up the great story telling.. Walt
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Walt, you are amazing! Thank you for making my day!
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid heard, saw, felt, and smelled.
The others roared. . . Delete I knew. Begin with They were scared.
Be sure to check for commas before 'and then'.
Good chapter. Either you've been in combat or spoken those men who had been.
Karlene
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Try to avoid heard, saw, felt, and smelled.
The others roared. . . Delete I knew. Begin with They were scared.
Be sure to check for commas before 'and then'.
Good chapter. Either you've been in combat or spoken those men who had been.
Karlene
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Neither combat, nor researched. Just my imagination. Thanks for the suggestions.
Comment from marijmd
"Yes, sir," he said, and took his eyes from mine. - I would drop the he said part since you just used it on the last line - feels overused.
Getting the list of dead will be hard since he was out for the end of the battle - I'm sure he is not going to like it - and it will weigh heavily on him.
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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"Yes, sir," he said, and took his eyes from mine. - I would drop the he said part since you just used it on the last line - feels overused.
Getting the list of dead will be hard since he was out for the end of the battle - I'm sure he is not going to like it - and it will weigh heavily on him.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2014
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Thank you for reading, Maria, and for the suggestion. I checked it out and changed it to: [The smile disappeared. "Yes, sir." He took his eyes from mine.] Doctrex is obsessed with writing personal letters to the parents of his fallen. I think that was all explained before you came aboard.
Comment from Drew Delaney
I didn't take note of any problems in this chapter, Jay. There appears to be much pain in this chapter. So many dead, and many injured following their battle.
The writing is tight and concise. There is a lot of action. Well written.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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I didn't take note of any problems in this chapter, Jay. There appears to be much pain in this chapter. So many dead, and many injured following their battle.
The writing is tight and concise. There is a lot of action. Well written.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Drew, for latching onto another chapter. You'll find, though this is a fantasy novel, it's grounded in reality. Glad to have you aboard.
Comment from royowen
Wow, great battle episode this one Jay, I loved the action, it's interesting looking through the eyes of a narrator, because when we lose contact, it means that Doctrex is off with unconsciousness, I rather like the story through the eyes of the general, well narrated, well written, enjoyed it! Blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Wow, great battle episode this one Jay, I loved the action, it's interesting looking through the eyes of a narrator, because when we lose contact, it means that Doctrex is off with unconsciousness, I rather like the story through the eyes of the general, well narrated, well written, enjoyed it! Blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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That type of writing has always been a challenge to me. I'm glad you found it worthwhile.
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Keep it up Jay,