THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "COLD IS THE ENEMY"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
26 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
the mood starts to get darker, so does the weather. they are approaching their goal, and the big final battle - if there is one - or at least doctrex's confrontation with glnot - whatever form it should take.
you do a very good job showing doctrex from different points of view, which is a remarkable success as you write only in 1st person POV. you show him as a fahter (in his relationship to zurn), as a general (in his relationship to his men), a devoted lover (in his relatiosnhip to axtilla). he has his priorities, and he showed a strong moral within.
and i also like how you weave the legends into this "real" world - how the fairy tales become real, making us also question where do the myths of our world come from and why they started to be told and survived centuries... i SO LOVE the multilevered factor of this story!
What I felt [was] even more descriptive [was] a freakish eight-fingered hand // i may be wrong (grammar is not my strength as english is my second language) but should both "was" be there? or a comma missing?
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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the mood starts to get darker, so does the weather. they are approaching their goal, and the big final battle - if there is one - or at least doctrex's confrontation with glnot - whatever form it should take.
you do a very good job showing doctrex from different points of view, which is a remarkable success as you write only in 1st person POV. you show him as a fahter (in his relationship to zurn), as a general (in his relationship to his men), a devoted lover (in his relatiosnhip to axtilla). he has his priorities, and he showed a strong moral within.
and i also like how you weave the legends into this "real" world - how the fairy tales become real, making us also question where do the myths of our world come from and why they started to be told and survived centuries... i SO LOVE the multilevered factor of this story!
What I felt [was] even more descriptive [was] a freakish eight-fingered hand // i may be wrong (grammar is not my strength as english is my second language) but should both "was" be there? or a comma missing?
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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You've described in one short paragraph what I would have taken a page to do. I'm going to copy/paste to my folder for promoting The Trining. You've given me nothing less than an outline for a synopsis! Thank you, Tina.
I'll have a look at that second part. It's a little clunky! English is your 2nd Language. What was your first: Shakespear?
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haha :D wow, i had no idea! :D happy i could help ;)
ps: i'm slovak, but i live in prague, czech rep.
Comment from Dashjianta
A glimmer of hope for Zurn with a potential witness to his courage (and now I understand why Doctrex recognising the torchbearer was important). Like the comparisons between Jed and Engle.
Interesting legend about the Pomnot. Adds depth to the world and builds on the history.
The image of the units forming an eight fingered fist is good.
One thought: you refer to Eele's fan here, but haven't mentioned it before in this book. If you're planning to publish this as separate books, you might what to look at working in a scene with Eele and Doctrex recapping the plan, enemy position, etc. for new readers jumping in at the third book.
Suggestion:
I asked him to check around whether anyone had seen Zurn save the soldier's life by snuffing out his burning clothing.
--I stumbled over this sentence. Think it might flow better if you delete 'around'.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2014
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A glimmer of hope for Zurn with a potential witness to his courage (and now I understand why Doctrex recognising the torchbearer was important). Like the comparisons between Jed and Engle.
Interesting legend about the Pomnot. Adds depth to the world and builds on the history.
The image of the units forming an eight fingered fist is good.
One thought: you refer to Eele's fan here, but haven't mentioned it before in this book. If you're planning to publish this as separate books, you might what to look at working in a scene with Eele and Doctrex recapping the plan, enemy position, etc. for new readers jumping in at the third book.
Suggestion:
I asked him to check around whether anyone had seen Zurn save the soldier's life by snuffing out his burning clothing.
--I stumbled over this sentence. Think it might flow better if you delete 'around'.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2014
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Thanks so much, Alex. You're an asset.
Eele's fan was mentioned earlier in BOOK III. I think it was one of the earlier chapters you hadn't read. In fact, it was spelled out in greater detail originally.
I removed the "around" as you suggested. It does read more smoothly, thank you.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay
You have a very and excellent story,
I like your images of the Pomnots. and yes, the various characters in your novel
They all are interesting
Gert
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Hello Jay
You have a very and excellent story,
I like your images of the Pomnots. and yes, the various characters in your novel
They all are interesting
Gert
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Thank you so much, Gert. This had me confused. I thought you were getting caught up on past chapters. This was for the contest!
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Well Like to see you get #1
Comment from Twilightspire
Yikes. You do a fine job of making us all feel the cold. I love stories that make the weather as intimidating as the antagonist and this one is one of the better descriptions I've read. I actually reached for a blanket near the end. :D
I like how you are drawing the parallels between Engle and Jed, how Engle doesn't quite live up to Doctrex's expectations. Jed sure raised the bar.
"Freakish eight-fingered hand, closing into a fist." I love that line. It pointed out in a lovely description the intention of Eele's Fan, one that correctly emphasizes what the plan is all about and just plain sounds cool.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Yikes. You do a fine job of making us all feel the cold. I love stories that make the weather as intimidating as the antagonist and this one is one of the better descriptions I've read. I actually reached for a blanket near the end. :D
I like how you are drawing the parallels between Engle and Jed, how Engle doesn't quite live up to Doctrex's expectations. Jed sure raised the bar.
"Freakish eight-fingered hand, closing into a fist." I love that line. It pointed out in a lovely description the intention of Eele's Fan, one that correctly emphasizes what the plan is all about and just plain sounds cool.
-T.J.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Bless you, T.J. You do know it's only Sunday. (I'm reading these in reverse order as I scroll down the screen), but you've already given me three 6s and I can see you gave me a 6 for the one below "The Pomnot Revisited". You know, T.J., you need to save some for some of the other great stuff out there. Not that I'm not being puffed up like a blowfish, but... wait! Never mind, friend! Feels too good. Seriously, thanks, T.J.
Comment from GracieAnn
Jay, this installment has particularly strong descriptive phrases that communicate well. The emotions of the players is important to this write. Well done. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2014
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Jay, this installment has particularly strong descriptive phrases that communicate well. The emotions of the players is important to this write. Well done. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 10-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2014
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Thank you, GracieAnn. You're reading them in reverse order, aren't you? Hey, I'm thrilled you're just reading them.
Comment from rjpurdy
Nicely done again Jay. I am a tad envious of skill at providing back story while building anticipation for what is surely the impending war. The characters are totally likeable and I find myself admiring the General Doctrex. I am immersed in the story now and you can count on me to follow closely. Professionally written, Technically solid. It flows and reads fast and I might quite possibly be sitting on a horse next to engle and the general. Thank you Jay.
Peace & Grace - Rod
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Nicely done again Jay. I am a tad envious of skill at providing back story while building anticipation for what is surely the impending war. The characters are totally likeable and I find myself admiring the General Doctrex. I am immersed in the story now and you can count on me to follow closely. Professionally written, Technically solid. It flows and reads fast and I might quite possibly be sitting on a horse next to engle and the general. Thank you Jay.
Peace & Grace - Rod
Comment Written 08-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Oh, geez, it's good to have you aboard, or astride, horse or crossan. There's more happening around the bend. I probably won't be posting until Friday, so I can build up some memberbucks. But, I have a hunch it'll be worth the wait. Thanks, Rod.
Jay
Comment from lindalcreel
Did he find Zurn or did I miss that part? Maybe he was helping the men carry that creature out of the tent. The fun is just beginning for Doctrix and his men, and I have to agree, keeping warm will be the least of their worries.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Did he find Zurn or did I miss that part? Maybe he was helping the men carry that creature out of the tent. The fun is just beginning for Doctrix and his men, and I have to agree, keeping warm will be the least of their worries.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Yes, it was in the first part of this chapter. Engle told him he had been in the eating area. Then, later, Doctrex found him in the ranks, on his crossan, in the eleventh row, but he made sure Zurn didn't know he was checking up on him. Later, he was chastising himself for spending so much time worrying about Zurn, when he could be putting the other soldiers at risk.
The next two chapters will pick up the action.
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Thanks so much for explaining.
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You are welcome, Linda.
Comment from marijmd
I do think Zurn is too simple to understand his actions were not honorable - he seems to go more on instinct than thought.
I know what it is like to be out in the cold day in and out - it is tough on the body but even tougher on the mind
(Of course I was teaching skiing - so there was warm lodges and hot chocolate after!)
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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I do think Zurn is too simple to understand his actions were not honorable - he seems to go more on instinct than thought.
I know what it is like to be out in the cold day in and out - it is tough on the body but even tougher on the mind
(Of course I was teaching skiing - so there was warm lodges and hot chocolate after!)
Comment Written 07-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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I have no experience with cold, nada! It was educated guesswork. I wish now I would have accentuated the stillness by having the sound of the ice crunching under the crossans' hooves. I'll save it for the edit.
Comment from Goodauthor
This was an excellent continuation of your story. I'm sort of expecting Zurn to do something heroic. I just can't picture him as a coward. So I'll keep reading just to see what happens. It keeps me wondering. Good luck.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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This was an excellent continuation of your story. I'm sort of expecting Zurn to do something heroic. I just can't picture him as a coward. So I'll keep reading just to see what happens. It keeps me wondering. Good luck.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Linda, for having faith in Doctrex, Zurn and their author. And, please keep wondering.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Writingfundimension
I so enjoyed all the internal dynamics of this chapter, Jay. The relationship between Doctrex and Engle feels a bit tenuous to me. It's interesting that Doctrex tries to be so careful with him. I wonder if he's still getting a feel for the measure of what kind of man he is? Anyway, a great read, as usual. :) Bev
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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I so enjoyed all the internal dynamics of this chapter, Jay. The relationship between Doctrex and Engle feels a bit tenuous to me. It's interesting that Doctrex tries to be so careful with him. I wonder if he's still getting a feel for the measure of what kind of man he is? Anyway, a great read, as usual. :) Bev
Comment Written 07-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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You'll be able to see what Doctrex was "digging for" in the next chapter, Bev. Thanks for coming back for this.
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A pleasure, Jay. :)
