THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "PENALTY FOR DESERTION: DEATH (PT 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
22 total reviews
Comment from justafan
I am just amazed at the thought process for this storyline. The details, the new words. Well, you know what I am trying to say. Dang Jay this is wonderful. Lot of catching up to do...lol.
Always,
Missy
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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I am just amazed at the thought process for this storyline. The details, the new words. Well, you know what I am trying to say. Dang Jay this is wonderful. Lot of catching up to do...lol.
Always,
Missy
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Glad you read this, Missy. You are a wonderful person!
Comment from Tina McKala
oh boy they won't kill zurn for real, will they?
i also wonder what it means that his wound disappeared so quickly and why does he remember things this time. soemthing must have been done differently than the first time he jumped off the bridge.
just a small observation: when doctrex was telling the profues about the reasons why zurn shouldn't be in the army and who did what to violate this fact, i felt an urge to skip the paragraph as this was second? third? time we read about it. but this can be caused also by the fact i read the books one right after the other, so i have it in fresh memory. in real life people can make a break between the books and then it's good to remind them of this. so i leave it up to your consideration, and just highlight the repetitous thoughts of Doctrex.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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oh boy they won't kill zurn for real, will they?
i also wonder what it means that his wound disappeared so quickly and why does he remember things this time. soemthing must have been done differently than the first time he jumped off the bridge.
just a small observation: when doctrex was telling the profues about the reasons why zurn shouldn't be in the army and who did what to violate this fact, i felt an urge to skip the paragraph as this was second? third? time we read about it. but this can be caused also by the fact i read the books one right after the other, so i have it in fresh memory. in real life people can make a break between the books and then it's good to remind them of this. so i leave it up to your consideration, and just highlight the repetitous thoughts of Doctrex.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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No, Tina, others have brought that to my attention. I have to take a cold hard look at scenes like that. I appreciate your bringing it to my attention.
Comment from Dashjianta
Another good chapter. Flows well--conversation with the medic allows their journey to be covered without going into too much detail. Already feel sorry for Zurn without having read previous books--Doctrex's summing-up gives a good impression of what's happened previously, and his and the Profues's reactions show they care for and feel responsible for Zurn.
Nits:
"Who goes.(?)"
nodding vigorously as though that would help drive home the truth of it."
--Stray " at the end
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2014
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Another good chapter. Flows well--conversation with the medic allows their journey to be covered without going into too much detail. Already feel sorry for Zurn without having read previous books--Doctrex's summing-up gives a good impression of what's happened previously, and his and the Profues's reactions show they care for and feel responsible for Zurn.
Nits:
"Who goes.(?)"
nodding vigorously as though that would help drive home the truth of it."
--Stray " at the end
Comment Written 22-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2014
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Thank you for the marvelous catches, Alex. I can understand an occasional lacking of a questionmark, but where do those stray closed quotes come from? LOL, I appreciate you.
Comment from Twilightspire
That is most definitely a chilling ending. Excellent cliff hanger and statement to draw us back.
Sorry I've gotten behind, but I'm hoping to catch up today.
I love that you bring the mystical element back, with Doctrex's wound disappearing and hinting at the old legend.
I really didn't want to read forward to hear what Doctrex was going to do with Zurn. I understand his reservations and his need to do what the law demands, but it's still a depressing thought.
I hope that he can manage to find a way around the law, for all of their sakes.
Excellent work with this chapter. You built the tension perfectly and made us feel both for Doctrex and Zurn.
Onward to the next.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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That is most definitely a chilling ending. Excellent cliff hanger and statement to draw us back.
Sorry I've gotten behind, but I'm hoping to catch up today.
I love that you bring the mystical element back, with Doctrex's wound disappearing and hinting at the old legend.
I really didn't want to read forward to hear what Doctrex was going to do with Zurn. I understand his reservations and his need to do what the law demands, but it's still a depressing thought.
I hope that he can manage to find a way around the law, for all of their sakes.
Excellent work with this chapter. You built the tension perfectly and made us feel both for Doctrex and Zurn.
Onward to the next.
-T.J.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Again, T.J. I'm reading this in reverse, this being the first of the catch up chapters you've read. If I'm not mistaken, you've given me all your 6s for the week (and this is only Sunday). If that isn't a humbling experience for me as a writer, I don't know humble! All I can say (and, I'm saying it for all the reviews you gave me) is a huge THANK YOU, DEAR FRIEND.
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You have more than earned it. It's actually kind of a weird place to be. I loved being able to read a lot at once, but it was killing me not being able to read them as they came out.
It's like binge watching on Netflix as opposed to watching every week.
I finally had a chance to sit down and catch up and you didn't disappoint. You made my wait so worth it. :D
Comment from barbara.wilkey
It can't be death. I am sure they are making a mistake. Zurn didn't really desert. I will vow that he didn't. It's a mistake. I know it is. Something beyond his control happened.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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It can't be death. I am sure they are making a mistake. Zurn didn't really desert. I will vow that he didn't. It's a mistake. I know it is. Something beyond his control happened.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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Now, just calm down, Barbara. Breathe in ... slowly. That's right, now out ... Ah... you'll feel better, maybe as early as next chapter. Thanks, dear friend, for reading and caring.
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid words like hear/heard, feel/felt, see/saw, smell/smelled.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Check for forgotten commas in compound sentences and in series of words, phrases, and clauses.
Excellent chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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Try to avoid words like hear/heard, feel/felt, see/saw, smell/smelled.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Check for forgotten commas in compound sentences and in series of words, phrases, and clauses.
Excellent chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 04-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Karlene. I'm gonna start challenging on unnecessary "thats", LOL. I now go through each chapter with find/replace and root out every that THAT'S not needed. Commas? That's another matter!
By the way, I don't want to appear unappreciative about your email, but if you sent it I didn't get it! If you didn't send it, don't worry about it. I'm in no hurry. Phew! that was weird.
Comment from CR Delport
Jay, this is well written and reads really well. I just want to make a few observations, which is only my own nits.
1) I did feel a little light-headed when I raised myself to a seated position, but after a moment that went away.
Behind me, the medic asked--and I thought, a little disappointedly--how I felt. --- You used "a little" twice and both times not necessary. Also, "a little disappointedly" reads a bit awkward.
2) At one place that starts with: "Since we arrived here." you use "really" twice. I would leave it out.
3) You make frequent use of adverbs, which weakens the writing a little. Using stronger verbs might be better.
Have a great weekend.
Christelle.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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Jay, this is well written and reads really well. I just want to make a few observations, which is only my own nits.
1) I did feel a little light-headed when I raised myself to a seated position, but after a moment that went away.
Behind me, the medic asked--and I thought, a little disappointedly--how I felt. --- You used "a little" twice and both times not necessary. Also, "a little disappointedly" reads a bit awkward.
2) At one place that starts with: "Since we arrived here." you use "really" twice. I would leave it out.
3) You make frequent use of adverbs, which weakens the writing a little. Using stronger verbs might be better.
Have a great weekend.
Christelle.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Christelle (what a lovely name!), for your kind words and your helpful advise. Yes, there are some convoluted sentences there. And isn't it strange how duplicate words pop up and it takes someone else to notice it? Thank you so much. I will take a hard look at these as soon as the post drops.
Comment from GracieAnn
jay, this is an interesting beginning of the next segment. The wound that is mysteriously healed is a great suspense hook. The grit of the General is strong and he is true to his character to follow the rules and override emotions. Solid dialogue. Well done. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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jay, this is an interesting beginning of the next segment. The wound that is mysteriously healed is a great suspense hook. The grit of the General is strong and he is true to his character to follow the rules and override emotions. Solid dialogue. Well done. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 03-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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Thank you, GracieAnn for reading and for your kind remarks. Yes, Doctrex has to be a strong and moral leader. You'll see, as the story progresses.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
This is excellent reading, Jay. I found it gripping and I wanted to side with the two brothers in their horror of what might happen. I just want to get on and read the next chapter now, Giddy
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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This is excellent reading, Jay. I found it gripping and I wanted to side with the two brothers in their horror of what might happen. I just want to get on and read the next chapter now, Giddy
Comment Written 03-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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You'll get your wish first thing in the morning, Giddy. Thanks for reading this one!
Comment from Sankey
Wow friend. A strong chapter. Be good to see where this is all gong. You are doing really well thanks. About my breaking up of my bigger chapters. I inadvertedly told Tom what I was doing when I had trouble splitting another chapter. Apparebntly I was in breach of FS rules. But as Michael Cahill agrees the new split off chapters were not just a part of the old bigger chapters they did have newer content as you yourself know by now. I wrote about my slip of the tongue in a poem called Foot In Mouth Fred. Seems I won't be splitting anymore chapters. Mikey said I should not have said anything to Tom. Oh well next story I write will have smaller chapters and lots more pictures ha! Really enjoying reading your story mate.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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Wow friend. A strong chapter. Be good to see where this is all gong. You are doing really well thanks. About my breaking up of my bigger chapters. I inadvertedly told Tom what I was doing when I had trouble splitting another chapter. Apparebntly I was in breach of FS rules. But as Michael Cahill agrees the new split off chapters were not just a part of the old bigger chapters they did have newer content as you yourself know by now. I wrote about my slip of the tongue in a poem called Foot In Mouth Fred. Seems I won't be splitting anymore chapters. Mikey said I should not have said anything to Tom. Oh well next story I write will have smaller chapters and lots more pictures ha! Really enjoying reading your story mate.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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Nope, you shouldn't have told Tom, but you're nothing if not honest! And, Tom has to follow the rules. Thanks for taking in my chapter, Geoff. A good one coming up as Doctrex has his talk with Zurn.
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Yeah looking forward to that one. Wanna see how Doctrex deal with him over his misdemeanor(sp?) Zurn might get the Foot in Mouth disease too ha!
