Ambrosia
Mining in space 597 words35 total reviews
Comment from Benny Beeharry
I like the story.
Gentle and simple ,it flows nicely to the end. Does not take an exertion to read or follow. The conversation very natural.
Good work.
Happy new year.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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I like the story.
Gentle and simple ,it flows nicely to the end. Does not take an exertion to read or follow. The conversation very natural.
Good work.
Happy new year.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Hi Benny Beeharry. I am delighted that you like the story. Happy New Year to you too!
Comment from jmdg1954
Okay... you certainly accommodated the requirements of the contest and did it in the most unique method I've ever read. I'm not a sci-fi guy at all, but since the contest was no cuss/no sex I gave it a shot...
I found it delightful. A princess with the aspirations of taking over gramps' business harvesting space water. Great idea, well written and enjoyable.
John
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Okay... you certainly accommodated the requirements of the contest and did it in the most unique method I've ever read. I'm not a sci-fi guy at all, but since the contest was no cuss/no sex I gave it a shot...
I found it delightful. A princess with the aspirations of taking over gramps' business harvesting space water. Great idea, well written and enjoyable.
John
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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I am so happy that you enjoyed this little sci-fi story, John. I take it as a great compliment since you don't like sci-fi. I understand about the no cuss/no sex statement. I find myself reading a lot of young adult novels to avoid those two things in the adult literature. Someone should start a publishing company that specializes in clean lit. I think there is a bigger audience out there than they realize.
Comment from GracieAnn
w.j., I must agree with your pastor. I love sci-fi and distain the other cheap tools that writers sometimes use to sell their wares. The plot is creative and futuristic. I enjoyed this contest entry. Maybe you should make it several chapters. All the best in the contest! :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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w.j., I must agree with your pastor. I love sci-fi and distain the other cheap tools that writers sometimes use to sell their wares. The plot is creative and futuristic. I enjoyed this contest entry. Maybe you should make it several chapters. All the best in the contest! :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 02-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much for the encouraging review, Gracie Ann. I too love sci-fi, but sometimes I end up reading the classics to avoid the "other cheap tools" as you say. I am thinking this could be expanded into a longer story. Gramps couldn't have made a fortune without stepping on a few toes and a curious teenager in spaceâ?¦well, there could be all sorts of obstacles and dangers lurking.
Thank you for your support and the kind comments.
Comment from Pilot2Pen
Overall, I think this is an excellent story. You have managed to get a well-written story that makes sense within the 600-word limit. You definitely capture the affection Abigail and her grandfather have for one another. You also gave the reader a lot of background on each character through the effective use of dialogue.
I have just a couple of suggestions. The sentence, "I thought it would be one of the boys that would take an interest in space and the mining operations. Never guessed it would be my sixteen-year-old Princess." seems to be a little forced--perhaps trying to get too much information into the story. The "boys" seem irrelevant to the story and could probably be omitted.
Also, "All the levels of ambrosia. How do you determine the purity level?" is an example of your use of phrases as a sentence. Your character is very well educated and smart so I think she would use complete sentences. For example, "Gramps, how do you determine the different purity levels of Ambrosia?" would be an effective way to combine your phase and your sentence.
Other than those minor nits, you have a well-constructed story. I like the message that Ambrosia represents the great value of the common things in life and should be embraced.
Good job.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Overall, I think this is an excellent story. You have managed to get a well-written story that makes sense within the 600-word limit. You definitely capture the affection Abigail and her grandfather have for one another. You also gave the reader a lot of background on each character through the effective use of dialogue.
I have just a couple of suggestions. The sentence, "I thought it would be one of the boys that would take an interest in space and the mining operations. Never guessed it would be my sixteen-year-old Princess." seems to be a little forced--perhaps trying to get too much information into the story. The "boys" seem irrelevant to the story and could probably be omitted.
Also, "All the levels of ambrosia. How do you determine the purity level?" is an example of your use of phrases as a sentence. Your character is very well educated and smart so I think she would use complete sentences. For example, "Gramps, how do you determine the different purity levels of Ambrosia?" would be an effective way to combine your phase and your sentence.
Other than those minor nits, you have a well-constructed story. I like the message that Ambrosia represents the great value of the common things in life and should be embraced.
Good job.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Thank you for the wonderful review. I appreciate you taking the time to be thorough and give some useful ideas. I like your suggestions for improvement. The word economy and the flow are better than the original.
I went to your page and see one poem. It was well written. I hope you will share more of your own work.
Thank you again for the kind remarks and encouragement. Happy New Year!
Comment from Leineco
Nice touch! . . Water ---. more precious than diamonds and gold!
Ans isn't that, actually, the truth? Given life without one of them,
which would we pay any price for?
But then, water-o-philes? LOL Treating water like some fancy
wine!! OMG - you never know how totally trifling humans can be!
Nice write :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Nice touch! . . Water ---. more precious than diamonds and gold!
Ans isn't that, actually, the truth? Given life without one of them,
which would we pay any price for?
But then, water-o-philes? LOL Treating water like some fancy
wine!! OMG - you never know how totally trifling humans can be!
Nice write :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much for the encouraging review, Leineco. I appreciate your insights and kind comments. I live in a desert state and water is restricted each summer. Water really is precious.
