<3 " thoughtscapes" by Noni <3
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Betrayal"A book of poetry, quotes and short stories
7 total reviews
Comment from Sankey
Hi great story. Thanks, very exciting, but sad of course.
I forget if this was done for a competition originally?
Quite a lot going on and it kept my interest right along.
Should have had more expression marks around the speaking parts.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2014
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Hi great story. Thanks, very exciting, but sad of course.
I forget if this was done for a competition originally?
Quite a lot going on and it kept my interest right along.
Should have had more expression marks around the speaking parts.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2014
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Thank you for the kind review and input...I'll keep that in mind next time...thank you, have a great weekend!! :)
Comment from Rikki66
It seems to remind me of a movie on Lifetime. The story to me was run of the mill no real twist. ie One of the men at the bar was the husband or boyfriend of Kevin's paramour. Add a suspect,add a fear.
Biggest problem tell me less show me more;don't tell me they fought let me see the fight.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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It seems to remind me of a movie on Lifetime. The story to me was run of the mill no real twist. ie One of the men at the bar was the husband or boyfriend of Kevin's paramour. Add a suspect,add a fear.
Biggest problem tell me less show me more;don't tell me they fought let me see the fight.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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thanks...
Comment from mfowler
Some reconciliation! Kevin was not a nice guy and Susan shouldn't have suddenly realised she loved him. There you go, your story has stirred me up, got my emotional reaction.but, of course, it should. You complex narrative about love and betrayal grabs your attention and delivers the drama in spades.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2013
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Some reconciliation! Kevin was not a nice guy and Susan shouldn't have suddenly realised she loved him. There you go, your story has stirred me up, got my emotional reaction.but, of course, it should. You complex narrative about love and betrayal grabs your attention and delivers the drama in spades.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2013
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My first attempt at the story...sometimes like life, there are no happy endings...Happy New Year and thank you for reading :)
Comment from Jodah
Good story. Had me hooked from the start and I couldn't put it down until I had finished. The ending was a surprize too. Maybe you could have split some of the paragraphs and made them shorter, but apart from that it was an enjoyable read
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2013
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Good story. Had me hooked from the start and I couldn't put it down until I had finished. The ending was a surprize too. Maybe you could have split some of the paragraphs and made them shorter, but apart from that it was an enjoyable read
Comment Written 29-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2013
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Thank you very much...this is my first attempt, but I'm so glad you liked it....I appreciate the feedback :) Happy New Year
Comment from Jacq77
I found this an interesting, and tragic, story which held my attention all the way through to the end. And it was not an end I was expecting. Despite the fact her husband had a change of heart, I could not feel sorry for a man who contemplated such an awful thing, even if for a moment. Well done with this well-written piece. I only hope Susan finds the happiness she is looking for.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2013
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I found this an interesting, and tragic, story which held my attention all the way through to the end. And it was not an end I was expecting. Despite the fact her husband had a change of heart, I could not feel sorry for a man who contemplated such an awful thing, even if for a moment. Well done with this well-written piece. I only hope Susan finds the happiness she is looking for.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2013
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Thank you so much, I'm glad you found it interesting. I don't know why exactly that I wrote it that way....but I wanted some suspense...:) Have a Happy New Year!!
Comment from Erik McGinley
Sad story but well written and enjoyable.
I find myself wondering what you could buy with 10k. You could buy a lot of things .. a car maybe .. a human soul?
I wonder if you could buy integrity with it? Probably wouldn't work anyway. Why would liars ever want to buy integrity anyway. They think deceit is more useful I suppose.
Hide this, bury that, twist the other. Avoid the issues that need to be dealt with. Priceless!
Hmm, I wonder what inspired that film? Maybe it was 10K.
I liked your story. It was well written to get me reflecting emotionally on the ending and intellectually on that 10K.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2013
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Sad story but well written and enjoyable.
I find myself wondering what you could buy with 10k. You could buy a lot of things .. a car maybe .. a human soul?
I wonder if you could buy integrity with it? Probably wouldn't work anyway. Why would liars ever want to buy integrity anyway. They think deceit is more useful I suppose.
Hide this, bury that, twist the other. Avoid the issues that need to be dealt with. Priceless!
Hmm, I wonder what inspired that film? Maybe it was 10K.
I liked your story. It was well written to get me reflecting emotionally on the ending and intellectually on that 10K.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2013
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To tell the truth, I'm not sure where the 10k came from, just sounded like a good number, lol...Thank you for reading and the great review...Happy New Year to you and yours!!
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I think the 10K bit, being so little, snagged at my attention as being a paltry someone to pay for someone's life.
The other thoughts were really just me weaving that in with the thread of deception that you have in the story.
I'm sorry if that was not clear. Sometimes I just fire and forget my thoughts and also forget to explain properly what it is about someone's work that has inspired them.
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Not at all....I thank you for reading it :) But I will tell you that I had a change of heart...I went back an edited the 10K to 50K, Lol :) Happy New Year to you and yours...I guess for a lawyer that was pretty cheap but I have known of some that would do it for much less...I must watch too much crime television, haha
Comment from Nosha17
A really good story, strong story line. You made good use of narrative, descriptions, dialogue and it read well. However, as it is a contest entry, I wanted to tell you I noted some errors of grammar and punctuation, hope you didn't mind my telling you. Maybe, you could proof read it. For example, in the 2nd paragraph, you wrote, 'had went'-it should be 'had gone'-Faye
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2013
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A really good story, strong story line. You made good use of narrative, descriptions, dialogue and it read well. However, as it is a contest entry, I wanted to tell you I noted some errors of grammar and punctuation, hope you didn't mind my telling you. Maybe, you could proof read it. For example, in the 2nd paragraph, you wrote, 'had went'-it should be 'had gone'-Faye
Comment Written 27-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2013
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Thank you very much Nosha17. This is my first ever story. I did take your advice and appreciate that very much. I did go back and change a few things, thank you again.
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You are very welcome, just happy to have helped. Faye