Sewn Into the Sky
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Sewn Into the Sky"Collection of Free Style Poetry
39 total reviews
Comment from Megalips
It's a six star all the way...I have but five. Metaphorical...definitely. Imagery (as always) amazing. Some of your poems are very much like the beginning of some old classic novel with the incredible descriptive language swirling like a tornado thru pages...some of your poems are like the middle...others, the end. And here, I sense you looking for your father, shout of a vacant voice, breathless, empty hollow in purple sky...and you found instead your brothers and sisters...stars in midnight sky...and you can find your way, Greg, out of dark spaces. Keep going....keep going....keep going...
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2015
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It's a six star all the way...I have but five. Metaphorical...definitely. Imagery (as always) amazing. Some of your poems are very much like the beginning of some old classic novel with the incredible descriptive language swirling like a tornado thru pages...some of your poems are like the middle...others, the end. And here, I sense you looking for your father, shout of a vacant voice, breathless, empty hollow in purple sky...and you found instead your brothers and sisters...stars in midnight sky...and you can find your way, Greg, out of dark spaces. Keep going....keep going....keep going...
Comment Written 19-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2015
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you are incredible. Honestly one of the first people to get this. That's amazing. Thank you. I titled the book this. I'm actually going to add a few yo the book. When Rama compiled them it formed that diary
Pain
Withdrawal
Trapped on couch
Depression
God
Hope
Love
Baby
So I'll add a couple more about him.
Wow though, thank you again! You seriously are incredible.
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whew....I got it...had me sweating it
Comment from evrenios
You have created a feeling and atmosphere in this piece by the deliberate obscuring of edges of reality and meaning. That is difficult to do. However, in you enthusiasm to create a feeling and vivid metapor, they bog down the imagery, if you would believe. Some of them are heavy, unnecessary, weighting down the delicate trajectory of the poem. Many times, in the context of poetry, a word can speak for itself without a modifier. Look at your images - almost every one has some kind of "clever" modifier. It becomes habit and the reader loses the image. Remember, you don't want to force the metaphor. If everything is described that way, it doesn't become a finished product. Know when to trim the underbrush. It could use some pruning - I scratched myself looking under your metaphorical bushes.
Some good metaphorical images: Dog howling, was sewn into a memory. Tell me truthfully - do you really want to use the word "atop" when there were no other poetic contractions in the poem? Careful of repeated words in one sentence: a heat kissed THIS icy ache for due to THIS encounter under a faceless sky.
Since you asked for my feedback I will give you two other points. I loved the alliteration in the second sentence. You created the hiss of the tire - almost as if the car was leaving in the rain (tears?) However, "A snapping crunch sneaks" How does a crunch sneak? Find another clearer way to say this without trying so hard to describe with adjectives.
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reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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You have created a feeling and atmosphere in this piece by the deliberate obscuring of edges of reality and meaning. That is difficult to do. However, in you enthusiasm to create a feeling and vivid metapor, they bog down the imagery, if you would believe. Some of them are heavy, unnecessary, weighting down the delicate trajectory of the poem. Many times, in the context of poetry, a word can speak for itself without a modifier. Look at your images - almost every one has some kind of "clever" modifier. It becomes habit and the reader loses the image. Remember, you don't want to force the metaphor. If everything is described that way, it doesn't become a finished product. Know when to trim the underbrush. It could use some pruning - I scratched myself looking under your metaphorical bushes.
Some good metaphorical images: Dog howling, was sewn into a memory. Tell me truthfully - do you really want to use the word "atop" when there were no other poetic contractions in the poem? Careful of repeated words in one sentence: a heat kissed THIS icy ache for due to THIS encounter under a faceless sky.
Since you asked for my feedback I will give you two other points. I loved the alliteration in the second sentence. You created the hiss of the tire - almost as if the car was leaving in the rain (tears?) However, "A snapping crunch sneaks" How does a crunch sneak? Find another clearer way to say this without trying so hard to describe with adjectives.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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I understand. Its the rhythm, flow of my style. The crunch "sneaks" as in the sounds creeps past, hardly being noticed. Words, phrases can form deeper meanings. Formal poetry is old, dead. This is the new age. I have sonnets and rondeaus that are in perfect form. Maybe you'd prefer those. They are in my book Selections. Id be surprised if you found them to be a four. Ill give you a member bump if you do.
I can write in either style. This was just my most recent work that wasn't a simple two second prompt. My style in free verse. Rapid assonance, deeper combos. I didn't understand your "atop" suggestion though. But, each word is deliberately placed in all my pieces. I can change something though if it is used incorrectly though for sure. Was atop?
Comment from Matoshka
How very wonderful your picture is, and your words sometimes feel anguished, alone and then you realize you are not alone, but surrounded by the ones you love. I enjoyed this very much. Blessings
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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How very wonderful your picture is, and your words sometimes feel anguished, alone and then you realize you are not alone, but surrounded by the ones you love. I enjoyed this very much. Blessings
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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Thank you so much. I've been pretty sick, hence the delay in getting back. Truly thank you so much.
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So very welcome, Gregory, I pray you will get better and feel the peace of God. Your write was so good. Blessings
Comment from Janelle
You weren't kidding when you wrote:
"Every word within every line of every piece that I write, holds significant power and meaning, and has been placed there very deliberately. Everything I share here will have a piece of me within it."
for it certainly shows in this dark yet strangely illuminating poem. Each word does appear to have been carefully chosen, and as carefully placed. It sounds like you are on a difficult path in your journey, but have realised the you are not on it alone. Keep striving, you will get there and posting your work will help you to reach so many people who will support you and give others on a similiar path, the knowledge that they are also not alone. Regards, Jan
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2013
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You weren't kidding when you wrote:
"Every word within every line of every piece that I write, holds significant power and meaning, and has been placed there very deliberately. Everything I share here will have a piece of me within it."
for it certainly shows in this dark yet strangely illuminating poem. Each word does appear to have been carefully chosen, and as carefully placed. It sounds like you are on a difficult path in your journey, but have realised the you are not on it alone. Keep striving, you will get there and posting your work will help you to reach so many people who will support you and give others on a similiar path, the knowledge that they are also not alone. Regards, Jan
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2013
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That means a lot that you read my notes. Truly thank you. And thank you for reviewing my poem. It seems that appreciated the meaning. Yes I'm in a difficult place as some know here. I'm gettin through it though I think ;) thank you...
Comment from Poetofheart2013
your poem is very beautiful and and heart warming poem.
And your right we never alone and I felt that when I read your poem. Good Job
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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your poem is very beautiful and and heart warming poem.
And your right we never alone and I felt that when I read your poem. Good Job
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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Thank you so much. I've been pretty sick, hence the delay in getting back. Truly thank you so much.
Comment from tfawcus
This is a rich tapestry of words tightly woven into a knot of loneliness, that time when all sounds lose their meaning. Loneliness is a drain through which our soul can so easily slip without the support of friends and family. Unlike solitude, it is not always a choice.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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This is a rich tapestry of words tightly woven into a knot of loneliness, that time when all sounds lose their meaning. Loneliness is a drain through which our soul can so easily slip without the support of friends and family. Unlike solitude, it is not always a choice.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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Thank you so much. I've been pretty sick, hence the delay in getting back. Truly thank you so much. Thank you for getting the deeper meaning too. I like your take. Spot on
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Gregory,
This is a superb poem and my only regret is I just gave out my six (ugh) Your excellent word choices are expressive, the flow is smooth, good use of alliteration and enjambments gives this piece even more charm. I like the melancholy flavor of the lines but the last word gives hope to the sorrowful theme. Well done...Bravo, chey
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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Hi Gregory,
This is a superb poem and my only regret is I just gave out my six (ugh) Your excellent word choices are expressive, the flow is smooth, good use of alliteration and enjambments gives this piece even more charm. I like the melancholy flavor of the lines but the last word gives hope to the sorrowful theme. Well done...Bravo, chey
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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Wow that's a great virtual six! I'm honored. You really got it. Thank you. Your intelligent review of alliteration and enjambment makes it that much more meaningful to me. I'd like to follow each other more. I love your intelligence. ;)
Comment from gramalot8
As our Lord and Savior has said... "You're not alone". Grateful that we have Him to turn to and that most of the time we do have family and friends in our times of need as well. Great message and thanks for sharing this with us.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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As our Lord and Savior has said... "You're not alone". Grateful that we have Him to turn to and that most of the time we do have family and friends in our times of need as well. Great message and thanks for sharing this with us.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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Thank you. Bless you. He has been with me every step of the way.
Comment from CR Delport
Yes, you are right. In the universe you will never be truly alone. This is a very well written poem. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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Yes, you are right. In the universe you will never be truly alone. This is a very well written poem. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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Thank you so much. I've been pretty sick, hence the delay in getting back. Truly thank you so much.
Comment from dmt1967
This is a very sad story but I do like the end line 'I met the night tonight at the loneliest time in my life' very profound thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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This is a very sad story but I do like the end line 'I met the night tonight at the loneliest time in my life' very profound thank you for sharing
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2013
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Thank you so much. I've been pretty sick, hence the delay in getting back. Truly thank you so much. You got it, it is sad but uplifting at the end yes?
