Late
Love, Time, and Death51 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
Lance, this was a very touching story, all the more effective for being narrated in the first person.
I felt a lump in my throat when I realized that Jim was dead.
A very good read.
All the best in the contest.
Sonali :)
Spags:
"Wait, did you(,) (d)id we lose the baby?"
A born skeptic(,) I had my doubts
and may God forgive me(need a colon here :) I froze
It's a miracle you made (it) out in time
  |
Lance, this was a very touching story, all the more effective for being narrated in the first person.
I felt a lump in my throat when I realized that Jim was dead.
A very good read.
All the best in the contest.
Sonali :)
Spags:
"Wait, did you(,) (d)id we lose the baby?"
A born skeptic(,) I had my doubts
and may God forgive me(need a colon here :) I froze
It's a miracle you made (it) out in time
Comment Written 02-Oct-2013
Comment from Christof McTarnahan
"It must have been loud, but all I remembered was my screams. I saw my life. I saw my death. I saw darkness."...nice imagery. I can tell you put a lot of yourself into this.
|
"It must have been loud, but all I remembered was my screams. I saw my life. I saw my death. I saw darkness."...nice imagery. I can tell you put a lot of yourself into this.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2013
Comment from Lovinia
Hi lancellot
An interesting and entertaining read. You have kept the flow and the tension throughout, building suspense as the story unfolds. A clever story line which keeps the reader intrigues to the end. Something different and definitely a story conclusion to keep the reader thinking .... this falls into the unexplained supernatural and is perfect for the prompt. Your conclusion clearly defines the skeptic turned 'believer'.
One little glitch for me, and it may be just my interpretation is wonky, but I don't understand this line.
"If she wasn't late I probably wouldn't even be doing this." I presume you are meaning that despite her lateness issues, he still loves her even though he is always on time? My son said this is what he thought it meant ... so maybe it is just me. :)
Jim's dead because she was late ........ and he still saved her. Her lesson learned too late. You have added the conflict after setting the scene and what an impact conclusion. The tension between the couple is clear and handled with sensitivity.
Excellent dialogue which matched the moment. I particularly enjoyed the last two lines of dialogue which told so much with complete clarity. I like your 'play' on circumstance, she got out in time and for Jim it was too late.
Only one other thing, now that I read it again, the pregnancy lines sound as though the appointment had been on the day of the accident, yet she was thinking back - "How we stayed together after that I don't know."
Over-all a tight, well constructed story which made the reader fell comfortable with the reality of the drive, provided tension and suspense and delivered with a strong conclusion. The reader feels emotions for the couple and strong empathy. Well done and a great story for the contest. I think one of the best entries. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxoxo
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2013
|
Hi lancellot
An interesting and entertaining read. You have kept the flow and the tension throughout, building suspense as the story unfolds. A clever story line which keeps the reader intrigues to the end. Something different and definitely a story conclusion to keep the reader thinking .... this falls into the unexplained supernatural and is perfect for the prompt. Your conclusion clearly defines the skeptic turned 'believer'.
One little glitch for me, and it may be just my interpretation is wonky, but I don't understand this line.
"If she wasn't late I probably wouldn't even be doing this." I presume you are meaning that despite her lateness issues, he still loves her even though he is always on time? My son said this is what he thought it meant ... so maybe it is just me. :)
Jim's dead because she was late ........ and he still saved her. Her lesson learned too late. You have added the conflict after setting the scene and what an impact conclusion. The tension between the couple is clear and handled with sensitivity.
Excellent dialogue which matched the moment. I particularly enjoyed the last two lines of dialogue which told so much with complete clarity. I like your 'play' on circumstance, she got out in time and for Jim it was too late.
Only one other thing, now that I read it again, the pregnancy lines sound as though the appointment had been on the day of the accident, yet she was thinking back - "How we stayed together after that I don't know."
Over-all a tight, well constructed story which made the reader fell comfortable with the reality of the drive, provided tension and suspense and delivered with a strong conclusion. The reader feels emotions for the couple and strong empathy. Well done and a great story for the contest. I think one of the best entries. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxoxo
Comment Written 02-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2013
-
Thank you. That line is reference to them thinking she was pregnant. After the wedding she went to the doctors appointment.
-
Silly me .... of course. Me ... duh?? My pleasure I enjoy your writing .... well done. L xoxo
Comment from allborn66
This is a excellent story. You had a theme and carried it throughout the story. The characterization is good. The interactions are believable.
Barbara
|
This is a excellent story. You had a theme and carried it throughout the story. The characterization is good. The interactions are believable.
Barbara
Comment Written 02-Oct-2013
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Lancellot,
I really enjoyed reading this story. It is fast paced and well composed. I once had a friend who was chronically late but it never seemed to bother her if she made people wait. I have to say I hate that. I wasn't expecting the twist at the end but it served to make the story more powerful. Well done and good luck in the contest....chey
|
Hi Lancellot,
I really enjoyed reading this story. It is fast paced and well composed. I once had a friend who was chronically late but it never seemed to bother her if she made people wait. I have to say I hate that. I wasn't expecting the twist at the end but it served to make the story more powerful. Well done and good luck in the contest....chey
Comment Written 02-Oct-2013
Comment from emjaihammond
This is a moving story. I am very impressed with the writing and the creative mind that wrote it. Such a sad but good ending with the woman trying to take it all in.
|
This is a moving story. I am very impressed with the writing and the creative mind that wrote it. Such a sad but good ending with the woman trying to take it all in.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2013
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh, what a touching and terrific write this is, and so believable! This is the type of exceptional story I would pay money to read (and I use the local library - it's only a block from home).
Best of luck with this marvelous tale - everything about it is perfect, in my opinion. With this calibre of writing, you don't need me to spell out that the plot is fabulous, the dialogue natural, the characters believable, the narrative voice powerful, the descriptions vivid, the pacing perfect... :) My last six this week (and I was SO determined to hold onto it...)
 |
Oh, what a touching and terrific write this is, and so believable! This is the type of exceptional story I would pay money to read (and I use the local library - it's only a block from home).
Best of luck with this marvelous tale - everything about it is perfect, in my opinion. With this calibre of writing, you don't need me to spell out that the plot is fabulous, the dialogue natural, the characters believable, the narrative voice powerful, the descriptions vivid, the pacing perfect... :) My last six this week (and I was SO determined to hold onto it...)
Comment Written 02-Oct-2013
Comment from amahra
There are many stories like this one. Some real and some fiction. I saw a movie once when the family dog ran off and got help for his human family which consisted of a husband, wife and little boy. The help came and when the family tried to thank their trusty dog, the paramedics said that couldn't have been the same dog, because their dog was dead in the back seat of their car. And he had been dead for hours.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
 |
There are many stories like this one. Some real and some fiction. I saw a movie once when the family dog ran off and got help for his human family which consisted of a husband, wife and little boy. The help came and when the family tried to thank their trusty dog, the paramedics said that couldn't have been the same dog, because their dog was dead in the back seat of their car. And he had been dead for hours.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2013
Comment from Charlene0513
A well constructed story with all the elements of fear and drama. Every minute that passes when in shock there will always be a place of denial set in after realizing that what she lived for had now been taken from her whether it be fate or just a threat.
Charlene
|
A well constructed story with all the elements of fear and drama. Every minute that passes when in shock there will always be a place of denial set in after realizing that what she lived for had now been taken from her whether it be fate or just a threat.
Charlene
Comment Written 01-Oct-2013
Comment from T. White
Your story touched my heart as I have lost a husband and other loved ones in my life. I say " I should have" all the time, but accidents happen.
|
Your story touched my heart as I have lost a husband and other loved ones in my life. I say " I should have" all the time, but accidents happen.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2013
