Walk With Me.
Viewing comments for Chapter 50 "Winds of Change."From victim to survivor of abuse.
20 total reviews
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
Consider:
"...accidental birth(') Holly has now blossomed into an intelligent OMIT COMMA and lovely young lady.
"...Holly acknowledged THAT she must choose...
"The circumstances were highly puritanical and ironic given
The same feelings I felt when I was 17 and from a poor family, although I never went to a Catholic school. Well written and presented with the right amount of empathy.
Regards:
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Consider:
"...accidental birth(') Holly has now blossomed into an intelligent OMIT COMMA and lovely young lady.
"...Holly acknowledged THAT she must choose...
"The circumstances were highly puritanical and ironic given
The same feelings I felt when I was 17 and from a poor family, although I never went to a Catholic school. Well written and presented with the right amount of empathy.
Regards:
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Thank you for a generous review and positive comments.
I appreciate your time and support.
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Dear seken58:Glad to gear from you again. Do drop by sometime..am writing 100 short poems on America.
With Respect: Steve C
Comment from RGstar
Adolescence in view. innocent or otherwise. the growing into one's sexuality is paramount to life itself and the direction it takes.
A nice beginning to your story.
Much to like about the human concept it depicts.
Good to see it's progression,
RGstar
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Adolescence in view. innocent or otherwise. the growing into one's sexuality is paramount to life itself and the direction it takes.
A nice beginning to your story.
Much to like about the human concept it depicts.
Good to see it's progression,
RGstar
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Thank you for your comments and generous review. I appreciate it.
Comment from c_lucas
Children having children is not a very wise choice. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Children having children is not a very wise choice. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Thank you. I appreciate your exceptional six star review.
I really appreciate your support and positive comments.
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You're welcome, Shirley. Charlie
Comment from kiwijenny
I think you should "show" Holly's dilemmas with active interaction. This is written very passively. But Holly is young, she is at school. This transition from a strict Catholic private school has lots of possibilities......have nuns and her converse in a flash back then contrast this in her new setting, perhaps.
God bless
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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I think you should "show" Holly's dilemmas with active interaction. This is written very passively. But Holly is young, she is at school. This transition from a strict Catholic private school has lots of possibilities......have nuns and her converse in a flash back then contrast this in her new setting, perhaps.
God bless
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Thanks for your review and comments.
I appreciate it.
Comment from Dean Kuch
I thought this was very well written, and it certainly held my interests as young Holly struggled with the rigors of adolescence, puberty, and all of the tough, demanding questions that accompany them. The fact that the poor girl really had no one to confide it, other than here extremely depressed mother, only seemed to compound her problems.
I see a lot of great possibilities for this story. I think you should pursue it further, seeken58.
Nicely done...
"In thebackgroung background of any group she felt comfortable"...I believe you meant "background" here, seken58?
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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I thought this was very well written, and it certainly held my interests as young Holly struggled with the rigors of adolescence, puberty, and all of the tough, demanding questions that accompany them. The fact that the poor girl really had no one to confide it, other than here extremely depressed mother, only seemed to compound her problems.
I see a lot of great possibilities for this story. I think you should pursue it further, seeken58.
Nicely done...
"In the
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Thank you Dean.
Your positive comments and generous review are much appreciated.
Thanks for the correctionand for your continued support.
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It was my pleasure, as always.
:]
Comment from barkingdog
I think you have more than one chapter here. You haven't filled out your scenes with dialogue which will highlight your characters when we can hear them speak.(Not just Holly and her mother, but the boys and girls at school.)
If you use the omniscient POV you can get into all of their heads.
I did some editing before I read the notes:
Her motto was; "out of sight, out of mind," and that suited her just fine.
Her motto was 'out of sight, out of mind' and that suited her just fine.
-With a growing sense of unease(,) Holly acknowledged
-no one she could trust
- He was a dashing and debonair American
-Older and more
- promises(,) and she was swept
- happened(,) and she began
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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I think you have more than one chapter here. You haven't filled out your scenes with dialogue which will highlight your characters when we can hear them speak.(Not just Holly and her mother, but the boys and girls at school.)
If you use the omniscient POV you can get into all of their heads.
I did some editing before I read the notes:
Her motto was; "out of sight, out of mind," and that suited her just fine.
Her motto was 'out of sight, out of mind' and that suited her just fine.
-With a growing sense of unease(,) Holly acknowledged
-no one she could trust
- He was a dashing and debonair American
-Older and more
- promises(,) and she was swept
- happened(,) and she began
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Thank you for a generous and supportive review. I appreciate your time and detailed comments.
Thanks for your suggestions as well.
Comment from Gooloom
Good story. well written. Neat paragraphs. Holly's plight is treated very insensitively by her family. All teenagers have these problems but Family honour becomes more important and the child is forced to do things she does not want to do. This point has been brought out very well by the writer. Would like to know what happens to Holly?
Gooloom
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Good story. well written. Neat paragraphs. Holly's plight is treated very insensitively by her family. All teenagers have these problems but Family honour becomes more important and the child is forced to do things she does not want to do. This point has been brought out very well by the writer. Would like to know what happens to Holly?
Gooloom
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thank you for a generous review and comments.
I appreciate your understanding when reading the concept of the story. Holly is a character I have written previous short stories about and one day hope to edit and combine into a novel.
I have only been sharing my writing since March this year and still have so much to learn.
Thank you for your interest.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, seken, the story of the girl who struggled to do right, but was labelled because of her values, she wanted to see what life had to offer and therefore a conundrum presented itself before her. i know i was often mocked, once by my doctor, for staying a virgin until i married at 36. so i would like to see her stick with her commitments, but show the dreams she had for a loving relationship
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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this is very well written, seken, the story of the girl who struggled to do right, but was labelled because of her values, she wanted to see what life had to offer and therefore a conundrum presented itself before her. i know i was often mocked, once by my doctor, for staying a virgin until i married at 36. so i would like to see her stick with her commitments, but show the dreams she had for a loving relationship
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thank you so much for a positive and encouraging review. I appreciate your time and comments and I remember your kindness to me when I first joined this site.
God bless.
Comment from Teagan Rose Horton
wow this is excellent, you have used such great techniques, your writing is so precise and profound, i loved reading this, you have such great talent and enthusiasm, i hope to read more from you, have a blessed day
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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wow this is excellent, you have used such great techniques, your writing is so precise and profound, i loved reading this, you have such great talent and enthusiasm, i hope to read more from you, have a blessed day
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thank you so much.
I appreciate your positive and encouraging review.
Comment from adewpearl
physical, abuse - drop the comma
Although shy and reticent, - add comma
You introduce your main character well
hormone-bolstered young men - add the hyphen
despite dressing respectfully for her age, - add comma
boost the male hormones higher, - add comma
Not yet a master of the cutting reply, - add comma
a buffer to her emotions, - add comma
trysts all turned to nothing, and -add comma
Close to the end you say Holly is unaware of her sexuality and her appeal to the opposite sex - but for several earlier paragraphs you write about how she is pursued and taunted by boys with wolf whistles - this seems to be contradictory.
You are definitely developing an interesting character - I like how you bring in her back story
Brooke
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
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physical, abuse - drop the comma
Although shy and reticent, - add comma
You introduce your main character well
hormone-bolstered young men - add the hyphen
despite dressing respectfully for her age, - add comma
boost the male hormones higher, - add comma
Not yet a master of the cutting reply, - add comma
a buffer to her emotions, - add comma
trysts all turned to nothing, and -add comma
Close to the end you say Holly is unaware of her sexuality and her appeal to the opposite sex - but for several earlier paragraphs you write about how she is pursued and taunted by boys with wolf whistles - this seems to be contradictory.
You are definitely developing an interesting character - I like how you bring in her back story
Brooke
Comment Written 05-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
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Thanks for your review.
I appreciate your feed back. I really can't seem to please anyone with regard to commas.I have even used the Whitesmoke
Grammar etc checker.
Previous reviewers said I had too many commas and reviewed, like you, with a four. It begins to get confusing for, in or out, I get the same reviews.
