Louise, part 1
Boy tempted by lust and faith37 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
I remember a 'Louise' and its effect on me. I remember having no idea,until then, how much I enjoyed the unfettered accessibility two a woman who knew what we both would enjoy. This sounds quite authentic. Indeed, go on.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2013
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I remember a 'Louise' and its effect on me. I remember having no idea,until then, how much I enjoyed the unfettered accessibility two a woman who knew what we both would enjoy. This sounds quite authentic. Indeed, go on.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2013
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Hope you didn't take her for a walk down by the river. LOL. Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
Comment from humpwhistle
Gretchen, I like this story. It's got edge in a quiet way.
You're building. Creating suspense.
I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to suggest you swap out some of the more mundane, nondescript verbs like looked, moved, walked. You use several strong, evocative verbs in this story, but this tends to make the weaker ones stand out. Just a thought.
Again, I like your story. I made a few notes as I read.
Peace, Lee
touched the tip of the nubby pencil to her tongue and waited. --Since the very next line has her asking for his order, 'and waited' doesn't feel right, unless you added something like, 'Finally she asked, What can I get...'
Louise drew in another lungful of smoke then held it out to me. --I don't think she handed the 'lungful of smoke' out to him. Maybe you need to replace 'it' with cigarette or butt, or something like that.
cat-like
My heart started slamming into my ribs...--How about My heart slammed into my ribs? Stronger, more visceral.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Gretchen, I like this story. It's got edge in a quiet way.
You're building. Creating suspense.
I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to suggest you swap out some of the more mundane, nondescript verbs like looked, moved, walked. You use several strong, evocative verbs in this story, but this tends to make the weaker ones stand out. Just a thought.
Again, I like your story. I made a few notes as I read.
Peace, Lee
touched the tip of the nubby pencil to her tongue and waited. --Since the very next line has her asking for his order, 'and waited' doesn't feel right, unless you added something like, 'Finally she asked, What can I get...'
Louise drew in another lungful of smoke then held it out to me. --I don't think she handed the 'lungful of smoke' out to him. Maybe you need to replace 'it' with cigarette or butt, or something like that.
cat-like
My heart started slamming into my ribs...--How about My heart slammed into my ribs? Stronger, more visceral.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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I do not mind at all for you to make suggestions. I agree with the term less active or weaker verbs. I have a hard time coming up with what I call stunning words or descriptions. I am going to go back and look through my story for your suggestions. Please, if you have time, read the second part and let me know what you think. Thank you for taking the time to read and help on this. Gretchen
Comment from GWinterwin
Good story with words to keep the reader interested all the way to the end. Things that are real and yet keep the reader wondering what will happen next.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Good story with words to keep the reader interested all the way to the end. Things that are real and yet keep the reader wondering what will happen next.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the great review. I really appreciate it. Gretchen
Comment from Gungalo
Ah I have finally caught you at the beginning of a story. And what a story it is too. Does this boy think he can handle her? He went to great lengths to be alone with her. And she, while playing innocent, set the stage just right. Hair down and cat-like moves. Ohhh what will she do next?
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Ah I have finally caught you at the beginning of a story. And what a story it is too. Does this boy think he can handle her? He went to great lengths to be alone with her. And she, while playing innocent, set the stage just right. Hair down and cat-like moves. Ohhh what will she do next?
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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I think we all know what she will do next. Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
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Smile
Comment from Titanx9
I guess you might say the conflict in this one is in Tucker's pants. The dialogue is outstanding as well as the imagery of Louise slinking around like a cat in heat who's found a prey. We'll have to see what type of lesson Tucker will learn from this woman who seems world jaded. I think it's a great story!
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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I guess you might say the conflict in this one is in Tucker's pants. The dialogue is outstanding as well as the imagery of Louise slinking around like a cat in heat who's found a prey. We'll have to see what type of lesson Tucker will learn from this woman who seems world jaded. I think it's a great story!
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the wonderful and helpful review. Gretchen
Comment from trimple
A fabulous start to this story. The pace was very smooth and the story telling engaging from the get go. A young virgin male we assume, attracted to a blond waitress. Born to a preacher, we are lead to believe that he is stuck between a rock and a hard place, quite literally.
The only line I felt could do with rewriting was ..
"my fingers entwined with her painted ones."
We have established already that her fingernails are painted red. A little overkill perhaps? otherwise a super read.
I look forward to the next chapter.
Kind regards
trimple :)
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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A fabulous start to this story. The pace was very smooth and the story telling engaging from the get go. A young virgin male we assume, attracted to a blond waitress. Born to a preacher, we are lead to believe that he is stuck between a rock and a hard place, quite literally.
The only line I felt could do with rewriting was ..
"my fingers entwined with her painted ones."
We have established already that her fingernails are painted red. A little overkill perhaps? otherwise a super read.
I look forward to the next chapter.
Kind regards
trimple :)
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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I admit to overkill. Thank you for pointing it out. I was trying to show that the fingernails were his hot button, but I do understand where you are coming from. Thanks for the alert. Thank you for the wonderful and helpful review. Gretchen
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Gretchen,
You have written the fantasy of every teenage boy. When the hormones begin to rise so do the desires. I must admit, my infatuation was not with an older woman...could be I don't know what I was missing. As I understand, a pretty sizeable number of young men actually dream of becoming involved with a cougar.
Ah, those were the days. I look forward to part II.
Curtis
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Gretchen,
You have written the fantasy of every teenage boy. When the hormones begin to rise so do the desires. I must admit, my infatuation was not with an older woman...could be I don't know what I was missing. As I understand, a pretty sizeable number of young men actually dream of becoming involved with a cougar.
Ah, those were the days. I look forward to part II.
Curtis
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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I don't understand the whole older woman thing but then in the case of my husband and I am the cougar. The whole time we were dating, I kept asking the question, why would you want me when you could have someone younger and prettier. But who's to argue with almost twenty years. LOL. I really appreciate your kind and fun review. Gretchen
Comment from amahra
That wasn't long at all; or maybe I enjoyed so much I didn't noticed. LOL! An older woman and younger man, ummmmm. I guess that makes her a gouger.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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That wasn't long at all; or maybe I enjoyed so much I didn't noticed. LOL! An older woman and younger man, ummmmm. I guess that makes her a gouger.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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I liked writing this, but for me to write a story over 1200 words is unbelievable. Thank you for the wonderful review and the kind words. Gretchen
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I would imagine that is how a young man would feel about
a sexy older woman but she will swallow him up and spit him out. Poor kid. Good job Gretchen. Nancy
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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I would imagine that is how a young man would feel about
a sexy older woman but she will swallow him up and spit him out. Poor kid. Good job Gretchen. Nancy
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the great review. Please read the second part if you have time. Who knows, he may not be the who gets chewed up and spit out. LOL. Gretchen
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this is well written my friend and reads very well you bring both characters to life so well I enjoyed well done my friend regards Jill
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Yes this is well written my friend and reads very well you bring both characters to life so well I enjoyed well done my friend regards Jill
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
