My Life in words
Viewing comments for Chapter 46 "Locked In"All of my poems of release.
12 total reviews
Comment from Pierre Francis
This is all about finding oneself and the purpose of one's life while mired in doubt and confusion. You have bared your soul eloquently, and the feeling of being trapped in a less-than-ideal existence comes across strongly and unambiguously. While you might not have tried to keep a fixed/consistent rhythm, I believe the poem would be much stronger if it were there, but that's your call, of course. Poetry, being so personal and subjective, does not lend itself to simplistic interpretation, unlike most prose.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2013
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This is all about finding oneself and the purpose of one's life while mired in doubt and confusion. You have bared your soul eloquently, and the feeling of being trapped in a less-than-ideal existence comes across strongly and unambiguously. While you might not have tried to keep a fixed/consistent rhythm, I believe the poem would be much stronger if it were there, but that's your call, of course. Poetry, being so personal and subjective, does not lend itself to simplistic interpretation, unlike most prose.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2013
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review Pierre. Meter isn't my strong point but I will look at it again xxx
Comment from October21
Hi Jaq!!
... WOW!!!!!!
I'm absolutely stunned by your poem. It has blown me away- your best yet. Every time you write it gets better!!!
I'm doing it "Shenel style" from now on... Picking out quotes (this is how we do it at school... LOL!!)
Locked in a life of misery
lost in a world of dreams,
alone in a room full of people,
nothing is ever as it seems.
- this is a REALLY powerful opening!!! "Alone in a room full of people"- this is EXACTLY how someone lonely and lost would feel. Even when they are surrounded by many people they know there is nobody to stand by THEM... So sad and unfortunate, and yet so common! That line took my breath away! The whole stanza was perfect. "Nothing is ever as it seems"- amazingly true, Jaq. We often think things are WORSE than they are... And when they seriously are truly bad, we don't realise it... Always the wrong way around, and this creates problems for us.
Slowly I try moving forward
to enhance my bereft lifestyle,
and to make much better choices
that give me a reason to smile.
- as long as we are trying... Isn't that all that matters? "Lifestyle" and "smile"... Loved that rhyming!
Why is it life is so hard,
for one but not another?
What's the answer? I need to know
can I change mine for some other?
- An answer we ALL search for... I'm sure many will relate! Why do bad things happen to us, but for others, life is so close to perfect? What makes them better than us? What have we done to deserve this? The questions in the stanza fit flawlessly for the piece... Feeling uncertain of our paths, not knowing what to do, how to trust or be OURSELVES... I think that our personalities changing, losing a loved one... None of that compares to losing yourself. Because then you have no hope to recover all the broken pieces.
The answer I'm told lies within
this I hope to be true,
but how to reach inside of me
of this I have no clue.
- the answer is ALWAYS beneath the surface. It's a matter of whether we are strong enough to smash through the glass and grab it. And we may not know HOW to be that brave... Well said! Reaching inside is so hard because of all the things we find, like mistakes, regrets and our painful pasts... Never easy to relive... Great stanza:-)
This inner self, strong and bright
which pulls some from the abyss,
appears to be lost from my sight,
I want to be aware of this.
- you're right! There is always a brighter hope and a clearer situation for happiness... The answers are sometimes nearer than we think... But sometimes we lose them along the way, caught up in looking too far ahead to the future... It's the present that counts.
This spiritual path will appear
the moment my mind clarifies,
I need to dig deep within me,
to sort out the truth from the lies.
- Yes! Digging deep is the key! It's no good to try once and give up. We must KEEP trying! Loved that last line... Always hard but once it's done we have a better sense of knowing who to trust and what to do with the truth:-)
I've lived my days to constantly
please all the people around me,
I need to escape from this life
as it stops me from running free.
- often, we do take care of others a little TOO much... So much so that we forget about looking after ourselves.
- one suggestion:
I need to escape from this life
as it stops me from running free - you use "from" twice... Perhaps it would work if you removed one, as the lines work fine without them:-) I would take it from the first line, but that's me:D x
AMAZING poem, Jaq! I'm so happy I can give you a six and for a piece that TRULY, COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY deserves it!!!!
Love ya:)
Shenel Xx
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2013
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Hi Jaq!!
... WOW!!!!!!
I'm absolutely stunned by your poem. It has blown me away- your best yet. Every time you write it gets better!!!
I'm doing it "Shenel style" from now on... Picking out quotes (this is how we do it at school... LOL!!)
Locked in a life of misery
lost in a world of dreams,
alone in a room full of people,
nothing is ever as it seems.
- this is a REALLY powerful opening!!! "Alone in a room full of people"- this is EXACTLY how someone lonely and lost would feel. Even when they are surrounded by many people they know there is nobody to stand by THEM... So sad and unfortunate, and yet so common! That line took my breath away! The whole stanza was perfect. "Nothing is ever as it seems"- amazingly true, Jaq. We often think things are WORSE than they are... And when they seriously are truly bad, we don't realise it... Always the wrong way around, and this creates problems for us.
Slowly I try moving forward
to enhance my bereft lifestyle,
and to make much better choices
that give me a reason to smile.
- as long as we are trying... Isn't that all that matters? "Lifestyle" and "smile"... Loved that rhyming!
Why is it life is so hard,
for one but not another?
What's the answer? I need to know
can I change mine for some other?
- An answer we ALL search for... I'm sure many will relate! Why do bad things happen to us, but for others, life is so close to perfect? What makes them better than us? What have we done to deserve this? The questions in the stanza fit flawlessly for the piece... Feeling uncertain of our paths, not knowing what to do, how to trust or be OURSELVES... I think that our personalities changing, losing a loved one... None of that compares to losing yourself. Because then you have no hope to recover all the broken pieces.
The answer I'm told lies within
this I hope to be true,
but how to reach inside of me
of this I have no clue.
- the answer is ALWAYS beneath the surface. It's a matter of whether we are strong enough to smash through the glass and grab it. And we may not know HOW to be that brave... Well said! Reaching inside is so hard because of all the things we find, like mistakes, regrets and our painful pasts... Never easy to relive... Great stanza:-)
This inner self, strong and bright
which pulls some from the abyss,
appears to be lost from my sight,
I want to be aware of this.
- you're right! There is always a brighter hope and a clearer situation for happiness... The answers are sometimes nearer than we think... But sometimes we lose them along the way, caught up in looking too far ahead to the future... It's the present that counts.
This spiritual path will appear
the moment my mind clarifies,
I need to dig deep within me,
to sort out the truth from the lies.
- Yes! Digging deep is the key! It's no good to try once and give up. We must KEEP trying! Loved that last line... Always hard but once it's done we have a better sense of knowing who to trust and what to do with the truth:-)
I've lived my days to constantly
please all the people around me,
I need to escape from this life
as it stops me from running free.
- often, we do take care of others a little TOO much... So much so that we forget about looking after ourselves.
- one suggestion:
I need to escape from this life
as it stops me from running free - you use "from" twice... Perhaps it would work if you removed one, as the lines work fine without them:-) I would take it from the first line, but that's me:D x
AMAZING poem, Jaq! I'm so happy I can give you a six and for a piece that TRULY, COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY deserves it!!!!
Love ya:)
Shenel Xx
Comment Written 04-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2013
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Awwww Shenel thank you so much for this 'Review a la Shenel' :). Love it. Your reviewing skills are just blossoming my wee friend. I will take that from out, I hadn't rralised I'd doubled up on it :). Much appreciated as always :) Jaq xxxx
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You're very welcome Jaq!!! I just love reviewing!! Especially your work:-) xx
Comment from closetpoetjester
Hey there...lovely poem. Tentative, full anticipation for what's in store for ones self when they don't quite know how to access the path they want.
Sounds like you are on the right track...stop trying to please everyone ELSE all the time mate, and just please yourself sometimes.
You are just as important in the grand scheme of things but no good to anyone if you crumble. Please take the time to treat yourself and give yourself some of the things you deserve. Sounds like you've made a great start with the poetry. I don't think anyone necessarily tries to embark on a self discovery journey when they write...they just want to share their soul...however along the way, valuable lessons are learned about ones self...I can guarantee that.
Poetry is not only good for the soul but indirectly its GREAT self help and therapy...what you don't cover, someone else will...you'll often be enlightened and discover what it is to share the gammut of emotion and love people here feel for words. (Except the shit writers of course LMAO)
Well done...good luck with your self endeavours. Nicely written and flowed quite well considering no specific meter.
Cheers P
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2013
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Hey there...lovely poem. Tentative, full anticipation for what's in store for ones self when they don't quite know how to access the path they want.
Sounds like you are on the right track...stop trying to please everyone ELSE all the time mate, and just please yourself sometimes.
You are just as important in the grand scheme of things but no good to anyone if you crumble. Please take the time to treat yourself and give yourself some of the things you deserve. Sounds like you've made a great start with the poetry. I don't think anyone necessarily tries to embark on a self discovery journey when they write...they just want to share their soul...however along the way, valuable lessons are learned about ones self...I can guarantee that.
Poetry is not only good for the soul but indirectly its GREAT self help and therapy...what you don't cover, someone else will...you'll often be enlightened and discover what it is to share the gammut of emotion and love people here feel for words. (Except the shit writers of course LMAO)
Well done...good luck with your self endeavours. Nicely written and flowed quite well considering no specific meter.
Cheers P
Comment Written 03-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2013
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Thanks so much P I'm not much good at meter :). I just love words. Thank you so much for your lovely review. I did initially start poetry as therapy I found it cathartic, but I enjoy it too so hope to go forward with it. :). Jaq xx
Comment from GarthL
Great image and honest self-appraisal spoken from your heart Jaq. Life does at times seem to be a prison that we just want to break free from and the reality is that the search can be long and arduous. Persistence and patience are The Key mate, if it was so easy everyone would have found it but few actually do. True seekers strive on regardless in the knowledge that it may be just around the corner and when you do find it the world will open in a way we can't yet comprehend. My heart is with you on your journey Jaq, StayStrong, Garth Love Van btw!
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2013
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Great image and honest self-appraisal spoken from your heart Jaq. Life does at times seem to be a prison that we just want to break free from and the reality is that the search can be long and arduous. Persistence and patience are The Key mate, if it was so easy everyone would have found it but few actually do. True seekers strive on regardless in the knowledge that it may be just around the corner and when you do find it the world will open in a way we can't yet comprehend. My heart is with you on your journey Jaq, StayStrong, Garth Love Van btw!
Comment Written 01-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2013
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I will get there Garth, I want to. :) Peace and Love mate. Thanks for your inspirational words :) Jaq xx
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You will Jaq, I have every confidence in you, desire is a very strong emotion that can circumvent all hardship and toil!!
Comment from adewpearl
good alliteration in phrases like locked in a life/lost and moment my mind
good use of abcb rhyme and of enjambment to enhance the flow of your poem
effective expression of heartfelt emotion
Brooke
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2013
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good alliteration in phrases like locked in a life/lost and moment my mind
good use of abcb rhyme and of enjambment to enhance the flow of your poem
effective expression of heartfelt emotion
Brooke
Comment Written 01-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2013
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Thanks Brooke sometimes you just have to write exactly what you're feeling. :) Jaq xxx
Comment from Indie Skreet
Hi my sweet, a heart-felt poem indeed which makes me think of you. A few suggestions for you to consider, but ignore me if you so wish :). To make flow smoother - third stanza, delete the 'for' another. fifth stanza second line - change 'that' to 'which' and 'people' to 'some'. second stanza last line, typo 'to to'. Luv ya, Indie xx
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Hi my sweet, a heart-felt poem indeed which makes me think of you. A few suggestions for you to consider, but ignore me if you so wish :). To make flow smoother - third stanza, delete the 'for' another. fifth stanza second line - change 'that' to 'which' and 'people' to 'some'. second stanza last line, typo 'to to'. Luv ya, Indie xx
Comment Written 01-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Thanks so much Indie I'll sort it when I'm on the PC. Your help is always appreciated xx
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phew - good and thanks too :) xx
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this is well written my friend I think you should live your life to please yourself and be happy well done on this strong write my friend regards Jill
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Yes this is well written my friend I think you should live your life to please yourself and be happy well done on this strong write my friend regards Jill
Comment Written 01-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Thanks so much Jill xxx
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Thanks so much Jill xxx
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Hi Jaq -
A well penned work with great nuggets of wisdom throughout it. Yup Dig deep and clean the festering.
Great job with this one - you hold the reader from beginning to end.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Hi Jaq -
A well penned work with great nuggets of wisdom throughout it. Yup Dig deep and clean the festering.
Great job with this one - you hold the reader from beginning to end.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Comment Written 01-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Thanks Maureen your words are much appteciated xx
Comment from Gungalo
I've lived my days to constantly
please all the people around me,
I need to escape from this life
as it stops me from running free.
And it will until you get control of it girl. Some days it just seems as if there is no catching up, I know. That's the time to run ahead.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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I've lived my days to constantly
please all the people around me,
I need to escape from this life
as it stops me from running free.
And it will until you get control of it girl. Some days it just seems as if there is no catching up, I know. That's the time to run ahead.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Cheers Gungalo I know. I just have to act xx
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Yepper.
Comment from TAB_that's me
Good writing of your feelings. happiness has to come from inside and not from pleasing others - pleas yourself more often and learn to say no. Take care.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Good writing of your feelings. happiness has to come from inside and not from pleasing others - pleas yourself more often and learn to say no. Take care.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2013
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Thanks for your kind review x
