My Life in words
Viewing comments for Chapter 61 "Kyrie Eleison, Christe Eleison."All of my poems of release.
7 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
solid use of abcb rhyming
nice touches of alliteration like in then things and meek and mild and mortal man
good consonance of P sounds in path disappears
excellent use of enjambment to enhance the flow of your lines
I love the way the imagery of your final stanza pairs with your illustration
You convey a very strong message that God doesn't just pull puppet strings, that He allows us free will and that sometimes this means we get off the straight and narrow path, and this is all for good reason. Brooke
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2013
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solid use of abcb rhyming
nice touches of alliteration like in then things and meek and mild and mortal man
good consonance of P sounds in path disappears
excellent use of enjambment to enhance the flow of your lines
I love the way the imagery of your final stanza pairs with your illustration
You convey a very strong message that God doesn't just pull puppet strings, that He allows us free will and that sometimes this means we get off the straight and narrow path, and this is all for good reason. Brooke
Comment Written 18-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2013
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Thank you so much Brooke for a lovely review as always. :) Jaq xx
Comment from GarthL
It certainly does feel at times that we've been abandoned Jaq and those sentiments are very beautifully expressed in this heart-wrenching piece.
Please forgive my suggestions but I feel if you consider them you'll have a consistent 8/6/8/6 syllable count throughout that would read more smoothly. It would then be like My One Desire you reviewed with each quatrain also being able to be read as rhyming couplets in iambic heptameter.
These words were sung today - add 'in church
and we're left with mortal man. - delete 'and'
I hope to understand one day,
why my path was strewn with glass.
Maybe then I'll have the answers--
as to why I felt his wrath.
'I hope one day I'll understand
why life was strewn with glass,
and maybe I'll have answers as
to why I felt his wrath'
Always your decisions though Jaq and I do respect that!!
LiveLove'n'Peace, Garth
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2013
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It certainly does feel at times that we've been abandoned Jaq and those sentiments are very beautifully expressed in this heart-wrenching piece.
Please forgive my suggestions but I feel if you consider them you'll have a consistent 8/6/8/6 syllable count throughout that would read more smoothly. It would then be like My One Desire you reviewed with each quatrain also being able to be read as rhyming couplets in iambic heptameter.
These words were sung today - add 'in church
and we're left with mortal man. - delete 'and'
I hope to understand one day,
why my path was strewn with glass.
Maybe then I'll have the answers--
as to why I felt his wrath.
'I hope one day I'll understand
why life was strewn with glass,
and maybe I'll have answers as
to why I felt his wrath'
Always your decisions though Jaq and I do respect that!!
LiveLove'n'Peace, Garth
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2013
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Thanks so much Garth, I did use the changes you offered. PeacenLove Jaq xx
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Always just considered suggestions Jaq but if you're happy then I'm happy. I do believe it reads better though, well done!! Garthxox
Comment from FayK89
The first thing that sprang to mind was that, as someone from up North, I couldn't work out why 'glass' would rhyme with 'wrath' but I figured it out eventually - really it's up to you whether you want to stick with it considering it relies so heavily on accent. To stick with the same theme this could be 'changed to ;why glass was strewn along my path' or 'why this was chosen to be my path' as these rhyme in every accent. I just think that having to push for that final rhyme takes away from the otherwise really well kept form of the poem.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2013
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The first thing that sprang to mind was that, as someone from up North, I couldn't work out why 'glass' would rhyme with 'wrath' but I figured it out eventually - really it's up to you whether you want to stick with it considering it relies so heavily on accent. To stick with the same theme this could be 'changed to ;why glass was strewn along my path' or 'why this was chosen to be my path' as these rhyme in every accent. I just think that having to push for that final rhyme takes away from the otherwise really well kept form of the poem.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2013
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Hi Fay, thanks for your review. I didn't actually struggle for that rhyme I was always going to use wrath as is, but thank you for your idea :) Jaq x
Comment from Righteous Riter
The message is clear and to the point. This piece has a nice flow and a hot topic. I love reading about God, especially good things. This piece held my attention from the beginning to the end.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2013
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The message is clear and to the point. This piece has a nice flow and a hot topic. I love reading about God, especially good things. This piece held my attention from the beginning to the end.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2013
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Thanks RR, so pleased you enjoyed this one. ;) Jaq x
Comment from October21
Hi Jaq:-) I don't think we will ever find out the answers to these questions. Sometimes bad just happens to us. Really liked your powerful and deep words my friends:-)
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2013
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Hi Jaq:-) I don't think we will ever find out the answers to these questions. Sometimes bad just happens to us. Really liked your powerful and deep words my friends:-)
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2013
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Thanks Shenel you are a wee gem. I know these things happen for a reason xxx
Comment from Indie Skreet
Hi Jaq, another haunting and well executed poem. I struggled on the last stanza, it will read much more smoothly if you take the word 'truly' our - 'I hope to understand one day'. Tempted to six you on this and probably would have without those two extra syllables :), very much so, but I never know what you have got in your box of tricks, so I am keeping them safe to see what else you come up with ......... you always do. warmly Indie xx
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2013
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Hi Jaq, another haunting and well executed poem. I struggled on the last stanza, it will read much more smoothly if you take the word 'truly' our - 'I hope to understand one day'. Tempted to six you on this and probably would have without those two extra syllables :), very much so, but I never know what you have got in your box of tricks, so I am keeping them safe to see what else you come up with ......... you always do. warmly Indie xx
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2013
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Thanks Indie, I'll have a look at that now. Always a pleasure girlie :) Jaq xxx
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Thanks for that Indie it reads better :) xxx
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you do misery so well lol xx
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Hahahahaha lmao girlie. It's sad but true :) xxx
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Hello my friend yes life does see so easy when we are children as we move on we do have many trials that hopefully one day we will understand why we are put through so much well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2013
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Hello my friend yes life does see so easy when we are children as we move on we do have many trials that hopefully one day we will understand why we are put through so much well done regards Jill
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2013
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Thanks Jill, it's always a hard one but we do get there in the end. :) Jaq xx
