My Life in words
Viewing comments for Chapter 71 "Turn to me. (Free verse)"All of my poems of release.
17 total reviews
Comment from Indie Skreet
shit Jackie, I wished I saved that six and gave it for this and I would love to give you another, but they are so damned mean, so I can only give each of my favourite author's one a month :( This is an exceptional write and so very brave. You have dug where you have needed to to write this and I have absolutely no doubt how painful that would have been. You have excelled here for sure, Indie xx
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2013
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shit Jackie, I wished I saved that six and gave it for this and I would love to give you another, but they are so damned mean, so I can only give each of my favourite author's one a month :( This is an exceptional write and so very brave. You have dug where you have needed to to write this and I have absolutely no doubt how painful that would have been. You have excelled here for sure, Indie xx
Comment Written 17-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2013
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Once again Indie I know you empathise and feel the words. You're a wee star. :) Jaq xx
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Much better! Just one more suggestion:
I'm here watching(,) saddened so much--
First review (FOUR stars)
So sorry to hear of your niece. This is a powerful poignant poem. Emotionally intense and with a tender tone of concern. Quite touching.
The reason for four stars is a lack of fluidity and ease of read. Choosing to use no punctuation is not wrong, and I see from your notes that it's intended, but when sentences are not clearly defined by the formatting, it makes the reader have to think about form while reading, thus distracting form the content.
One remedy would be to use line breaks at the end of sentences. Example:
A cut, a scratch, another wound
to show that you're alive
a knife, a needle, something else
to make your blood run free
To ease your worries, salve your fears
you harm your very soul
your body pays the hefty price
to clear your troubled mind
Another option would be to use punctuation, which gives you more leeway in terms of phrasing options--like semicolons, commas, periods and dashes--to 'sculpt' the cadences more clearly.
Another option would be to rely only on caps to specify new sentences. If you chose this option, then some of the phrases that might have had semicolons or dashes would need to be separate sentences for smoother reading.
Personally, I like the option of using full punctuation for this poem, as your phrasing style has many pauses that need not be periods.
One more option would be to alter the phrasing so more lines have enjambment smoothly between them, without punctuation, but I think that's the more complex option and not required.
*Spag-
How has it come to this
my dear and tortured girl?
That the only way to feel alive
is to scar yourself for life
The question mark, technically, should come at the end of the sentence. Suggest:
How has it come to this
my dear and tortured girl--
That the only way to feel alive
is to scar yourself for life?
*
I'm here for you(--)just turn around
my arms are open... waiting
The poem is very touching and I can see why some have awarded a six. However, I cannot, with integrity, give five stars because the lack of punctuation weakens the poem in my opinion, and I do think using it, or amending the style of formatting for easier flow and reading would significantly improve it.
Lots of love,
rd
PS BTW--I often opt for no punctuation in short poems or in poems, like free verse, where line breaks can show the pauses. But there are times when it is the right too to use, IMHO.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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Second review
Much better! Just one more suggestion:
I'm here watching(,) saddened so much--
First review (FOUR stars)
So sorry to hear of your niece. This is a powerful poignant poem. Emotionally intense and with a tender tone of concern. Quite touching.
The reason for four stars is a lack of fluidity and ease of read. Choosing to use no punctuation is not wrong, and I see from your notes that it's intended, but when sentences are not clearly defined by the formatting, it makes the reader have to think about form while reading, thus distracting form the content.
One remedy would be to use line breaks at the end of sentences. Example:
A cut, a scratch, another wound
to show that you're alive
a knife, a needle, something else
to make your blood run free
To ease your worries, salve your fears
you harm your very soul
your body pays the hefty price
to clear your troubled mind
Another option would be to use punctuation, which gives you more leeway in terms of phrasing options--like semicolons, commas, periods and dashes--to 'sculpt' the cadences more clearly.
Another option would be to rely only on caps to specify new sentences. If you chose this option, then some of the phrases that might have had semicolons or dashes would need to be separate sentences for smoother reading.
Personally, I like the option of using full punctuation for this poem, as your phrasing style has many pauses that need not be periods.
One more option would be to alter the phrasing so more lines have enjambment smoothly between them, without punctuation, but I think that's the more complex option and not required.
*Spag-
How has it come to this
my dear and tortured girl?
That the only way to feel alive
is to scar yourself for life
The question mark, technically, should come at the end of the sentence. Suggest:
How has it come to this
my dear and tortured girl--
That the only way to feel alive
is to scar yourself for life?
*
I'm here for you(--)just turn around
my arms are open... waiting
The poem is very touching and I can see why some have awarded a six. However, I cannot, with integrity, give five stars because the lack of punctuation weakens the poem in my opinion, and I do think using it, or amending the style of formatting for easier flow and reading would significantly improve it.
Lots of love,
rd
PS BTW--I often opt for no punctuation in short poems or in poems, like free verse, where line breaks can show the pauses. But there are times when it is the right too to use, IMHO.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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Thanks rd will look at this again at home. Much appreciated as always my friend xx
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Happy to help--do let me know if you decide to edit...happy to take a second look. Love, rd
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I chose the first option with a couple of other punctuation put in, hope it reads better for you rd. Once again many thanks my friend, Blessings Jaq xx
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Much better. Noted one more suggestion in second review. Love and Blessings, rd
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Lol I took that one out, what am I like!! Thanks for your perseverance rd xx
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Hugs, rd
Comment from adewpearl
good consonance of hard C sounds in cut/scratch
good alliteration in knife/needle
vivid detail that shows the horror of this activity
and which explains what motivates people to engage in such self-destructive behavior
desecrate, struggle...excellent verb choices that add emotional intensity to this poem of compassion
Brooke
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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good consonance of hard C sounds in cut/scratch
good alliteration in knife/needle
vivid detail that shows the horror of this activity
and which explains what motivates people to engage in such self-destructive behavior
desecrate, struggle...excellent verb choices that add emotional intensity to this poem of compassion
Brooke
Comment Written 22-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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Thank you so very much Brooke. As always an informative and well written review. :) Jaq xx
Comment from RJ
A very moving free verse poem. I have known someone that has been self-harming. It touches my heart deeply while reading of the pain someone is in as they feel a need to inflict pain on themselves. Prayers to you and your niece. Rj
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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A very moving free verse poem. I have known someone that has been self-harming. It touches my heart deeply while reading of the pain someone is in as they feel a need to inflict pain on themselves. Prayers to you and your niece. Rj
Comment Written 21-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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Thanks so much RJ prayers much appreciaaed Jaq xx
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Hello my friend I don't know what to say or whether I am qualified to give my opinion on this write I used to self harm I know your niece needs someone she can confide in right now offer her a friendly ear it is probably what she needs someone who will not judge her I hope she is ok regards Jill
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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Hello my friend I don't know what to say or whether I am qualified to give my opinion on this write I used to self harm I know your niece needs someone she can confide in right now offer her a friendly ear it is probably what she needs someone who will not judge her I hope she is ok regards Jill
Comment Written 21-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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Thanks Jill any help is welcomed. Sorry to hear you went through this too. I'll be there for her no matter what, Jaq xx
Comment from write hand blue
The black background matches the mood of the poem. I can't imagine the anguish that inspired this poem. Words delivered by careful alteration. Hidden pain behind words wonderfully expressed and borne for a loved one. I hope this girl reads your poem... Mel.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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The black background matches the mood of the poem. I can't imagine the anguish that inspired this poem. Words delivered by careful alteration. Hidden pain behind words wonderfully expressed and borne for a loved one. I hope this girl reads your poem... Mel.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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Thank you Mel, much appreciated xx
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My pleasure...
Comment from Pili Pubul
This is a magnificent poem , not only in the talented writing
But in the powerful message you send about this unfortunately
Not very uncommon mental illness , self destructive when coping
With life is to difficult. Wonderful compassionate images of you extended
Hand and heart. Bravo.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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This is a magnificent poem , not only in the talented writing
But in the powerful message you send about this unfortunately
Not very uncommon mental illness , self destructive when coping
With life is to difficult. Wonderful compassionate images of you extended
Hand and heart. Bravo.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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Thank you so much Pili your words mean a lot. She is a lovely girl who is very troubled. Jaq x
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You are so welcome, I had volunteer to help with trouble children, I had a couple of them with this heart breaking problem. They where lovely and sensitive.
Comment from MizKat
Jaq Cee - This is a beautifully written poem, but also sad that your niece is harming herself. I hope she'll come to you and you are able to help. Kat
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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Jaq Cee - This is a beautifully written poem, but also sad that your niece is harming herself. I hope she'll come to you and you are able to help. Kat
Comment Written 21-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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I hope so too MizKat, she's a beautiful girl. Thanks for reading and commenting. Jaq xx
Comment from GWinterwin
Words that shows you care much for your loved one. A sad story about what this person is going through. Words that flow well and tell such a sad story. Good writing about this problem. God bless.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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Words that shows you care much for your loved one. A sad story about what this person is going through. Words that flow well and tell such a sad story. Good writing about this problem. God bless.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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Thanks for your kind words GW, much appreciated. Jaq x
Comment from reconciled
Awsome write...Jaq so good.. God bless you girl..........thats what what Forrest would do God bless Jaq.....love that video...one of his last. Alright you...great job love you Michael
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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Awsome write...Jaq so good.. God bless you girl..........thats what what Forrest would do God bless Jaq.....love that video...one of his last. Alright you...great job love you Michael
Comment Written 20-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2013
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Thank you so much for your review and fantastic rating Michael. Love back at ya, Jaq xx
