First Pitch
Not your ordinary baseball story30 total reviews
Comment from ZBaron
This was a great read. I absolutely enjoyed it and found that once I started the first sentence I didn't look up until I had finished. Held me all the way through and the concrete detail and description makes this a fantastic read. Very well done.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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This was a great read. I absolutely enjoyed it and found that once I started the first sentence I didn't look up until I had finished. Held me all the way through and the concrete detail and description makes this a fantastic read. Very well done.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Baron, I appreciate your reading my story and thanks for the generous rating and uplifting review. Certainly appreciated. John
Comment from mtrybak
You are AMAZING!!! You made me cry exactly where I should cry. You made me feel pain and sadness thinking as a mother "Dear God, please let this never happen to my children." I wanted to stand up and cheer with everyone else. But I am standing up and cheering for you. I have never read something on here that touched off so many emotions. It's time for you to start entering contests. You, Amore mio, are my hero and MVP!
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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You are AMAZING!!! You made me cry exactly where I should cry. You made me feel pain and sadness thinking as a mother "Dear God, please let this never happen to my children." I wanted to stand up and cheer with everyone else. But I am standing up and cheering for you. I have never read something on here that touched off so many emotions. It's time for you to start entering contests. You, Amore mio, are my hero and MVP!
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Michele, you are absolutely the best!! Thank you for the 6's, your fan support and of course your friendship!! Your words, mi amore mean a lot. JohnnyD Now I gotta get back to your PM.
Comment from Joannforsberg
This would be wonderful expanded. Here in MIchigan we have a writer named Johanthan Raid who writes books using small towns in a State as the setting. Then, he also writes at least one book about each State in the Union. All are done in a mystery setting, ghost story type. As I was reading this I thought about you and a series. Using sports in small towns as the theme. There are none right now for young boys and incorporating sports, explaining places and settings of a town, and some tensity of sports and relationship would make a wonderful series. Especially more stories of young boys hurt, poor, parents divorced, etc... all types of struggles young boys go through at that age.
I enjoyed this. JO
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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This would be wonderful expanded. Here in MIchigan we have a writer named Johanthan Raid who writes books using small towns in a State as the setting. Then, he also writes at least one book about each State in the Union. All are done in a mystery setting, ghost story type. As I was reading this I thought about you and a series. Using sports in small towns as the theme. There are none right now for young boys and incorporating sports, explaining places and settings of a town, and some tensity of sports and relationship would make a wonderful series. Especially more stories of young boys hurt, poor, parents divorced, etc... all types of struggles young boys go through at that age.
I enjoyed this. JO
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Jo, wow! What can I say. You have given me a tremendous review and do much other information to devour. I am humbled by it all. Thank you.
I fully plan to continue this story in the book version. John
Comment from TonyD
A beautiful story, artfully written. Only one typo I noted that did not detract from the story. Second line the word , I believe, should be "their", not "there".
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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A beautiful story, artfully written. Only one typo I noted that did not detract from the story. Second line the word , I believe, should be "their", not "there".
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Yes that's correct. Thanks for the correction and generous rating. I appreciate the words in your review. Thank you. John
Comment from Matthew M.
A nice story. It jumps a little fast at times. It also has a lot of telling and not as much showing. It was hard to get really emotionally involved with Randy. It would have be more solid if there was more showing of his struggles. The scene in the bunk bed could have been expanded with the brothers talking about Randy's struggles. As it was, it was almost a scene that wasn't needed.
Here are some edits and suggestions:
exodus from there vocabulary
there should be their
boys heads should be boys'
"growth plate popped" doesn't sound very scientific from an orthopedic specialist.
I can play fall baseball (comma) Dad?"
Twice you used ... that means to have a dramatic pause or an incomplete thought. It is not normally used to finish a sentence. http://styleguide.yahoo.com/editing/punctuate-proficiently/ellipsis-points
Then there is an abrupt jump to Randy whispering to Trev. This could be a scene break or have some kind of transition explaining where they were, such as something as simple as: Randy rolled over in bed one night later February. "Trev,
Lots more ellispses. They need to go next to the word. strike anyone... any age... at any time
If you are going to copy George Brett call him George Brett. Otherwise it looks almost comical calling him Mr. Pine Tar. I would suggest a truly fictional character.
I have a ten year old and an eleven year old boy. They don't know who George Brett is. They are big baseball fans. Yet players that played 15 years before they were born are hard to idolize. I would suggest a more current player to be the hero. Or instead os saying "one of his own baseball heroes." how about "of such a baseball legend."
"Okay (comma) coach"
Why not go for the gusto and say "Okay, Dad."
As I mentioned earlier some of the scene breaks are very abrupt and could use a little more warning. In a book they would be chapter breaks. Some writers on fanstory I have noticed used a series of ****** for a scene break.
This could be made into a book someday. It has a nice story about a kid overcoming obstacles and doing what he loves, but it still needs a lot of work.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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A nice story. It jumps a little fast at times. It also has a lot of telling and not as much showing. It was hard to get really emotionally involved with Randy. It would have be more solid if there was more showing of his struggles. The scene in the bunk bed could have been expanded with the brothers talking about Randy's struggles. As it was, it was almost a scene that wasn't needed.
Here are some edits and suggestions:
exodus from there vocabulary
there should be their
boys heads should be boys'
"growth plate popped" doesn't sound very scientific from an orthopedic specialist.
I can play fall baseball (comma) Dad?"
Twice you used ... that means to have a dramatic pause or an incomplete thought. It is not normally used to finish a sentence. http://styleguide.yahoo.com/editing/punctuate-proficiently/ellipsis-points
Then there is an abrupt jump to Randy whispering to Trev. This could be a scene break or have some kind of transition explaining where they were, such as something as simple as: Randy rolled over in bed one night later February. "Trev,
Lots more ellispses. They need to go next to the word. strike anyone... any age... at any time
If you are going to copy George Brett call him George Brett. Otherwise it looks almost comical calling him Mr. Pine Tar. I would suggest a truly fictional character.
I have a ten year old and an eleven year old boy. They don't know who George Brett is. They are big baseball fans. Yet players that played 15 years before they were born are hard to idolize. I would suggest a more current player to be the hero. Or instead os saying "one of his own baseball heroes." how about "of such a baseball legend."
"Okay (comma) coach"
Why not go for the gusto and say "Okay, Dad."
As I mentioned earlier some of the scene breaks are very abrupt and could use a little more warning. In a book they would be chapter breaks. Some writers on fanstory I have noticed used a series of ****** for a scene break.
This could be made into a book someday. It has a nice story about a kid overcoming obstacles and doing what he loves, but it still needs a lot of work.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Thank you thank you thank you for the review!! I truly appreciate all that feedback! The corrections obviously, and all the suggestions I understand what you mean by them and will look at them and all other reviews when I begin to expand this. This is a great review!! John
Comment from tedanytime
You have told this story well, intertwining the twins...their sameness and differences. With one boy striving to help the other overcome illness is a wonderful idea.
Certainly this can become an inspiring story for youngsters. They need stories of everyday youth that are heros in lifes situations.
I appreciate what this story highlights.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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You have told this story well, intertwining the twins...their sameness and differences. With one boy striving to help the other overcome illness is a wonderful idea.
Certainly this can become an inspiring story for youngsters. They need stories of everyday youth that are heros in lifes situations.
I appreciate what this story highlights.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Thank you Ted for this great review. I appreciate your words, John
Comment from angelmagnet
This little story begs for more words, more thoughts, and more information. If it's short to keep the children's attention, I think you give up a lot of information that needs to be told. What are the years like dealing with chemo and such. In the first line you use the word there when you mean their. This is a good start, don't stop writing
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reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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This little story begs for more words, more thoughts, and more information. If it's short to keep the children's attention, I think you give up a lot of information that needs to be told. What are the years like dealing with chemo and such. In the first line you use the word there when you mean their. This is a good start, don't stop writing
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Thank you Angel. I do want to expand this into a book for children to read. This is like the Cliff Notes version. Thank you for your review I appreciate it. John
Comment from adewpearl
exodus from their vocabulary - should be their
turn boys' heads - add apostrophe for plural possessive
you set the stage well in your intro as well as introducing the main characters effectively
good use of natural-sounding dialogue
play fall football, Dad - add comma for direct address
for all my accomplishments, Randy - add comma for direct address
Okay, coach - add comma
what an exciting, fun story :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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exodus from their vocabulary - should be their
turn boys' heads - add apostrophe for plural possessive
you set the stage well in your intro as well as introducing the main characters effectively
good use of natural-sounding dialogue
play fall football, Dad - add comma for direct address
for all my accomplishments, Randy - add comma for direct address
Okay, coach - add comma
what an exciting, fun story :-) Brooke
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Thank you Brooke for those corrections. As always, I do appreciate them. If expanded properly, do you think this would be a good book for children 9-12 years of age? If you get a chance, I'd like your opinion.,
Thank you ... John
Comment from GracieAnn
This a heartwarming story with such a wholesome and positive message. One grammatical change="there" should be "their".
I liked the line "they high-fived each other while in the womb"=great!
"tearing the cover off the baseball",good word picture.
"But his dreams were washed away like infield dirt on his uniform" -freshly put. I think this is appropriate for the target age group. Good job!
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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This a heartwarming story with such a wholesome and positive message. One grammatical change="there" should be "their".
I liked the line "they high-fived each other while in the womb"=great!
"tearing the cover off the baseball",good word picture.
"But his dreams were washed away like infield dirt on his uniform" -freshly put. I think this is appropriate for the target age group. Good job!
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Thank you so much Gracie for this great review! I truly appreciate your time to read and review. John
Comment from beccabootie123
being a pediatric nurse I know that cancer well. the fact that he is still alive is a testiment to his will and strong family great story. glad you could write about it with an ending that could have been worse. thank you well done
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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being a pediatric nurse I know that cancer well. the fact that he is still alive is a testiment to his will and strong family great story. glad you could write about it with an ending that could have been worse. thank you well done
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2013
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Becca thank you for that great review. Expect to see further posts on this story because I want to expand it to a children's book. Your profile said you where from NJ.. Where about? I live in NJ... John
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raised in iselin new jersey but now I live in the San Francisco bay area. family all still in toms river and the like
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I live in Tinton Falls (Monmouth County). Spent many formidable years in Garwood (in between Cranford and Westfield). Small world..
