My Life in words
Viewing comments for Chapter 87 "Neon Souls."All of my poems of release.
12 total reviews
Comment from Maureen's Pen
There is a lot of energy in this one Jaq. Well penned throughout, I liked the awareness and the gift within your words penned....the light of many souls.
Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it.
Maureen
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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There is a lot of energy in this one Jaq. Well penned throughout, I liked the awareness and the gift within your words penned....the light of many souls.
Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it.
Maureen
Comment Written 20-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2013
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Thank you so much Maureen xx
Comment from MM lives on :)
Neon souls are bright and full of blight yet one day when we wake will our souls become a prophecy of this essence we call life. A brilliant poem, 6 easy stars!
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Neon souls are bright and full of blight yet one day when we wake will our souls become a prophecy of this essence we call life. A brilliant poem, 6 easy stars!
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Many thanks for your words and understanding :) Jaq xx
Comment from Earl of Oxford
Hi, Jaq.
Blimey, where can I buy (or steal, LOL) some of these 'neon souls' you're so lucky to have? :-)
Different and very enjoyable poem, and may the souls be with you.
Best wishes, Ray
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Hi, Jaq.
Blimey, where can I buy (or steal, LOL) some of these 'neon souls' you're so lucky to have? :-)
Different and very enjoyable poem, and may the souls be with you.
Best wishes, Ray
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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At least you didn't say 'may the force be wiyh you' lol. Thanks so much Ray :) Jaq xx
p.s. I think it may be 'wine o'clock' very soon here so batten down the hatches...lol x
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It was an intentional play on that saying, Jaq, though avoided mentioning 'souls of the feet' - Damn! I just did it. :-)
'Wine o'clock' sounds good to me.
"Cheers". :-)
Ray x
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I knew that was what you meant :)) Jaq xx
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I'm glad YOU did, Jaq, as I'm often unsure myself what I'm rambling on about. :-) x
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Lol ;) xx
Comment from RJ
A nice poem, it flowed well and had a good message. I believe we all have neon souls or spirit guides who are there with us every step in our lives and we need to listen deep inside to hear them. Thanks for sharing. Rj
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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A nice poem, it flowed well and had a good message. I believe we all have neon souls or spirit guides who are there with us every step in our lives and we need to listen deep inside to hear them. Thanks for sharing. Rj
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Thank you for your kind words RJ. Much appreciated :) Jaq xx
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Hello my friend this is well written and reads very well with good rhythm and rhyme I enjoyed this well presented poem I am still playing catch up sorry I am late reviewing regards Jill
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Hello my friend this is well written and reads very well with good rhythm and rhyme I enjoyed this well presented poem I am still playing catch up sorry I am late reviewing regards Jill
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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No problems Jill always a pleasure to read your thoughts :) Jaq xx
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Much better! Excellent edit on the end. One more suggestion (optional)
illuminate my path as it unfurls.
this is fine but the flow is not super-smooth. If this were my poem, I'd trim it to:
illuminate as path unfurls.
but of course, it is YOUR poem, and if you want the 'my' in there, it is fine to keep it. Love, rd
First review (THREE stars)
I like the expression: NEON SOULS. Indeed, shiny souls are the best company and your poem expresses this well, JC.
I enjoyed the tone and content here and hope your neon friends stay with you every moment, every breath!
Critique of the writing (not the content):
The issues causing a three star rating are mostly related to SPAG. In the first stanza, souls is plural but the verb (guides) is not. Remove the 's' to make the verb and subject match correctly. Same goes for LIGHTS and ILLUMINATES. The flow could also be improved by trimming unnecessary filler words, like THE.
Also, the punctuation choices to not suit the flow well. May I suggest alternatives?
original:
Neon souls that shine so bright,
guides me safely through the dark nights.
Lights my way through a mixed-up world,
illuminates my path as it unfurls.
edit example:
Neon souls that shine so bright
guide me safely through dark nights,
light my way through a mixed-up world,
illuminate my path as it unfurls.
Nice content here but as with the first stanza, the flow is choppy and grammar a bit awkward here:
These souls are with me constantly,
they listen intently to all I say.
Never judge nor do they condemn,
Watch me fall then pick me up again.
As you've expressed a receptivity to critique and suggestions, I'm going to take the liberty to offer more editing examples and I hope they illustrate the potential of your poem to 'sing'. Also, it's optimal not to repeat pronouns unnecessarily, as in my edit of line two, but it is sometimes best to use them for clarity, as in line three below. Making the lines separate sentence fragments gives an intensely choppy flow and makes the poem sound forced. using linking words for enjambment is one remedy, though filler words should ideally be minimized.
While I often trim out filler words for brevity and a tight, polished feel, In some poems they serve to add fluidity to pacing. This is one of the latter, in my opinion.
Editing example:
These souls are with me constantly,
and listen intently to all I say.
They never judge nor do they condemn
but watch me fall and then pick me up again.
Sentence style caps have been the norm up til now and then this last stanza suddenly uses all caps. Suggest continuing sentence style capitalization:
Neon essence swirls around me,
K(k)eeps me sane, sets my mind free.(,)
T(t)akes my hand (for) the way to show,
E(e)ases my journey, aids it's flow.
With above edits
Neon essence swirls around me,
keeps me sane, sets my mind free,
takes my hand the way to show,
eases my journey, aids it's flow.
One more suggestion... 'The way to show" is reverse syntax and makes the line sound forced to fit the rhyme. Consider revising.
Hope this critique proves constructive and do let me know if you make revisions, my dear Jaq!
Love and light,
rd
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Second review
Much better! Excellent edit on the end. One more suggestion (optional)
illuminate my path as it unfurls.
this is fine but the flow is not super-smooth. If this were my poem, I'd trim it to:
illuminate as path unfurls.
but of course, it is YOUR poem, and if you want the 'my' in there, it is fine to keep it. Love, rd
First review (THREE stars)
I like the expression: NEON SOULS. Indeed, shiny souls are the best company and your poem expresses this well, JC.
I enjoyed the tone and content here and hope your neon friends stay with you every moment, every breath!
Critique of the writing (not the content):
The issues causing a three star rating are mostly related to SPAG. In the first stanza, souls is plural but the verb (guides) is not. Remove the 's' to make the verb and subject match correctly. Same goes for LIGHTS and ILLUMINATES. The flow could also be improved by trimming unnecessary filler words, like THE.
Also, the punctuation choices to not suit the flow well. May I suggest alternatives?
original:
Neon souls that shine so bright,
guides me safely through the dark nights.
Lights my way through a mixed-up world,
illuminates my path as it unfurls.
edit example:
Neon souls that shine so bright
guide me safely through dark nights,
light my way through a mixed-up world,
illuminate my path as it unfurls.
Nice content here but as with the first stanza, the flow is choppy and grammar a bit awkward here:
These souls are with me constantly,
they listen intently to all I say.
Never judge nor do they condemn,
Watch me fall then pick me up again.
As you've expressed a receptivity to critique and suggestions, I'm going to take the liberty to offer more editing examples and I hope they illustrate the potential of your poem to 'sing'. Also, it's optimal not to repeat pronouns unnecessarily, as in my edit of line two, but it is sometimes best to use them for clarity, as in line three below. Making the lines separate sentence fragments gives an intensely choppy flow and makes the poem sound forced. using linking words for enjambment is one remedy, though filler words should ideally be minimized.
While I often trim out filler words for brevity and a tight, polished feel, In some poems they serve to add fluidity to pacing. This is one of the latter, in my opinion.
Editing example:
These souls are with me constantly,
and listen intently to all I say.
They never judge nor do they condemn
but watch me fall and then pick me up again.
Sentence style caps have been the norm up til now and then this last stanza suddenly uses all caps. Suggest continuing sentence style capitalization:
Neon essence swirls around me,
K(k)eeps me sane, sets my mind free.(,)
T(t)akes my hand (for) the way to show,
E(e)ases my journey, aids it's flow.
With above edits
Neon essence swirls around me,
keeps me sane, sets my mind free,
takes my hand the way to show,
eases my journey, aids it's flow.
One more suggestion... 'The way to show" is reverse syntax and makes the line sound forced to fit the rhyme. Consider revising.
Hope this critique proves constructive and do let me know if you make revisions, my dear Jaq!
Love and light,
rd
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Thank you so much Rama for your concise and helpful critique, I've made the amendments that you suggested, how does it look now to you? Love and blessings, Jaq xx
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Hi dear Jaq~! On my way to look...please revisit for a second review in a few minutes...Love, rd
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Thank you so much rd. Much love :) Jaq xx
Comment from Chanphy
This is a beautiful poem. I like the structure of the poem and the rhyme and rhythm. They all work well together to create a well written poem. The poem has a lively beat to it. It seems like it can be sung.
I enjoyed reading.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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This is a beautiful poem. I like the structure of the poem and the rhyme and rhythm. They all work well together to create a well written poem. The poem has a lively beat to it. It seems like it can be sung.
I enjoyed reading.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Thank you so much for your kind words Chanphy :) Jaq x
Comment from Kingsland
There are those out there that are a great assistance to us.you are writing about the very same here. This verse flows smoothly and has a very positive message line in its poetic thoughts. I enjoyed partaking of this well delivered piece of poetic art... John
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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There are those out there that are a great assistance to us.you are writing about the very same here. This verse flows smoothly and has a very positive message line in its poetic thoughts. I enjoyed partaking of this well delivered piece of poetic art... John
Comment Written 18-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Ahh John thank you for your lovely words. :) Jaq xx
Comment from reconciled
Hey Jaq -smile- love your neon poem..-smile- Nice graceful flow with elegant rhyme -smile Wonderful read love ya Michael
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Hey Jaq -smile- love your neon poem..-smile- Nice graceful flow with elegant rhyme -smile Wonderful read love ya Michael
Comment Written 18-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Thanks Michael it is always a pleasure to have you read my words. :) Jaq xx
Comment from Spike the second
Hello Jaq
I like this a lot. I never imagined neon souls, but reading your poem it makes perfect sense.
I wonder if Neon souls will become LED ones, like Neon lights (wasn't that a Simple Minds album?) being replaced by LED ones for pollution and cost cutting!
Great poem my friend.
Blessings
Spike
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Hello Jaq
I like this a lot. I never imagined neon souls, but reading your poem it makes perfect sense.
I wonder if Neon souls will become LED ones, like Neon lights (wasn't that a Simple Minds album?) being replaced by LED ones for pollution and cost cutting!
Great poem my friend.
Blessings
Spike
Comment Written 18-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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LOL Spike, in this day and age it will be LED or Plasma. Thanks for your review my friend, God Bless :) Jaq xx
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Hi Jaq
I have re-entered this review as I am sure I gave you 5 stars. But on my Replies to Reviews page it shows 4 stars - very strange indeed as I never would give you that.
Blessings my friend.
Spike
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Thank you so much Spike I think you did give me a 5 already. :) Jaq xx
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Oh Jaq
I am relieved at that, as I thought I may have clicked the wrong one. It would have been six but I don't have any to give at the moment. Your poem surely deserves 5 or 6, not 4!
It's not that same person that did it before is it?
Blessings
Spike
