haiku (stark grey trees)
nature haiku 3-5-316 total reviews
Comment from missy98writer
Val,
Your Haiku is splendidly written with beautiful imagery.
The art work you used is awesome.
In your Haiku you used excellent alliteration with the W & T words.
Your satori line is great.
Your kigo is very good you used.
I enjoyed your lines:
stark grey trees
thrash in winter winds
limbs rattle
It's a shame you didn't win this contest.
I'd recommend your Haiku to other reviewers.
Please have a nice day,
Melissa.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2012
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Val,
Your Haiku is splendidly written with beautiful imagery.
The art work you used is awesome.
In your Haiku you used excellent alliteration with the W & T words.
Your satori line is great.
Your kigo is very good you used.
I enjoyed your lines:
stark grey trees
thrash in winter winds
limbs rattle
It's a shame you didn't win this contest.
I'd recommend your Haiku to other reviewers.
Please have a nice day,
Melissa.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2012
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Thanks Missy - you would not believe how many people thought this was bland and stark. All I want to do is write a decent haiku. YIKES Though it did get recognized - I guess I should not complain.
Comment from Rembrandt
The shivering side of simple poems is not as appealing to the reader who makes the winner of the contest. Poetically, you've fulfilled the guidelines, included some alliteration, and touched upon one strong sensory connection with hearing. While all of this is very well done, the subject is a bland "grey". In order to win, give it some spin. (It works in politics as well as writing.)
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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The shivering side of simple poems is not as appealing to the reader who makes the winner of the contest. Poetically, you've fulfilled the guidelines, included some alliteration, and touched upon one strong sensory connection with hearing. While all of this is very well done, the subject is a bland "grey". In order to win, give it some spin. (It works in politics as well as writing.)
Comment Written 14-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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Interesting review, I'm surprised you gave it a five star rating. It was my intention to make this poem stark and brittle. It is a haiku, after all. I really do appreciate your review. Thank you
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Your five stars are correct for you did nothing wrong. My hopeful suggestion implied one of the many strategies for winning the member money. To market your poem, it's necessary to write to the audience appeal and I sincerely hope you will win :-) in future haiku's. May I invite you to visit my portfolio and read haiku (blue white horizon) to see what I mean. You have both talent and potential and I look forward to reading more of your work!
Comment from lustrousmetal
I love that there is both visual and aural imagery in this poem. I also love that you avoided the impulse to go for the "pretty" visual. Well done!
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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I love that there is both visual and aural imagery in this poem. I also love that you avoided the impulse to go for the "pretty" visual. Well done!
Comment Written 14-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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Thank you much - you would be surprised at the people that feel this is too stark. After all, it was my intention for it to be stark. Thank you so much
Comment from RYME4U
This is very well written and descriptive. I like the strong words you have used.I can just hear those branch rattling!Good job.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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This is very well written and descriptive. I like the strong words you have used.I can just hear those branch rattling!Good job.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much
Comment from Bojenn
The message contained in your chosen words is strong. Good choice. It contains strength and lots of emotion that comes with the winter.
"Stark, grey (gray?), trees= great
Thrash, winds + power packed
Rattle of limbs + strong visual
Good good great!
bojenn
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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The message contained in your chosen words is strong. Good choice. It contains strength and lots of emotion that comes with the winter.
"Stark, grey (gray?), trees= great
Thrash, winds + power packed
Rattle of limbs + strong visual
Good good great!
bojenn
Comment Written 14-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much for this great review
Comment from MidnightWriter4U
Very good nature theme Haiku 3-5-3--true to poem form. The artwork goes well with this theme. The last line emphatic without being an extension of the other two. Good word choice with "thrash". Enjoyed!
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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Very good nature theme Haiku 3-5-3--true to poem form. The artwork goes well with this theme. The last line emphatic without being an extension of the other two. Good word choice with "thrash". Enjoyed!
Comment Written 14-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much - I had a great internal debate between "thrash" and another word, but thrash won.
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You are very welcome. MN :)
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Mystery Author,
I like this haiku for late fall. Most of the leaves have fallen and turned shades of brown on the ground. The hardwood ridge is bare, naked trees stand grey, and northeast winds clatter branches against each other. It's impossible to hear a buck this last week of deer season, and hunters have to rely on sight only. I like your satori line, "limbs rattle", reflecting the affect of thrashing winds in treetops.
Nicely penned! Good Luck in the contest!
Kimbob
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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Hi Mystery Author,
I like this haiku for late fall. Most of the leaves have fallen and turned shades of brown on the ground. The hardwood ridge is bare, naked trees stand grey, and northeast winds clatter branches against each other. It's impossible to hear a buck this last week of deer season, and hunters have to rely on sight only. I like your satori line, "limbs rattle", reflecting the affect of thrashing winds in treetops.
Nicely penned! Good Luck in the contest!
Kimbob
Comment Written 14-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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You write the most beautiful reviews,and I would nominate you but I already have this month. Thank you so much for this absolutely insightful review
Comment from DBastian
I do like the description, visual exhibited by your haiku. Did you mean "Thrash"? That makes more sense to me, anyway. Though, I could see trash being victim to winter winds, too. Either way, your words in 11 syllables are very descriptive and beautiful. Great job! Lovely picture choice, too!
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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I do like the description, visual exhibited by your haiku. Did you mean "Thrash"? That makes more sense to me, anyway. Though, I could see trash being victim to winter winds, too. Either way, your words in 11 syllables are very descriptive and beautiful. Great job! Lovely picture choice, too!
Comment Written 14-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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I did mean thrash - thank you for pointing that out. Though I liked your version of trash, too. Thank yo so much. I appreciate you reading it.
Comment from Helvi2
I think you have wonderfu potential for this to be an excellent haiku. The Japanese do not have "ing" in their vocabulary so I would change "rattling" to "rattle. I'm not sure about "trash" either. A small change to "thrash" would have those limbs swinging. You'd really have a GREAT haiku with those changes. I'd be nore than happy to come back and change the rating if you decide to make those changes.
"UPDATED REVIEW" to 5 Stars
Good Luck in the Contest! :o) Helvi
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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I think you have wonderfu potential for this to be an excellent haiku. The Japanese do not have "ing" in their vocabulary so I would change "rattling" to "rattle. I'm not sure about "trash" either. A small change to "thrash" would have those limbs swinging. You'd really have a GREAT haiku with those changes. I'd be nore than happy to come back and change the rating if you decide to make those changes.
"UPDATED REVIEW" to 5 Stars
Good Luck in the Contest! :o) Helvi
Comment Written 13-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much - I made the changes. One was an error, and I like the sound rattle better anyway. I appreciate your help and review
Comment from Georgia333
Great piece of poetry.great,picture.the piece perfectly described the issue and impact of storms when they come. It gave the reader to imagine the tale in action well done.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2012
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Great piece of poetry.great,picture.the piece perfectly described the issue and impact of storms when they come. It gave the reader to imagine the tale in action well done.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much for this lovely review.